Santa Monica, CA - The stars came out last night in Santa Monica for the 1st annual Hacky Awards, the heralded ceremony that marks the end of the winter bowling season and celebrates outstanding achievement in the field of excellence.
The Hackies are the brainchild of BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris as a way to commemorate the spring harvest, as well as provide a measuring stick by which all guile across the land can be compared.
The biggest award of the night, Team Most Likely To Administer A Beat Down To That's How We Roll, was given to Back Door Santa amid thunderous applause and topless women.
"I'd like to thank the voters all across the land, the sun, and Mars," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "We don't necessarily bowl to win awards, but we do bowl to win, and then typically as a result of that winning, we win awards. So congratulations on voting correctly."
In what was possibly the highlight of the night, Fast Jerry Kaufmann raced Lil' Soco around the world, with proceeds going to the Hacksaw Foundation, a non-non-profit focused on helping youngsters in third-world, non-Hacksaw-owned countries calibrate. The race was tight at first, as Lil' Soco and its 7 billion horsepower soconium-fueled engine was initially able to keep pace with the 73 year old Kaufmann, but in the end the vessel was no match for the inhuman speed of the world's fastest bowler.
With Back Door Santa sweeping the awards, the only drama of the night came during the arrival of TNT despot El Presidente, fresh off his termination from the University of Arkansas. According to reports, El Presidente was riding his big wheel last week with a 25-year-old engaged female staff member, when the big wheel crashed into a meeting room where El Presidente was prepared to be secretly taped imploring the New Orleans Saints to tear Frank Gore's ACL, much like he did when a coach for the Washington Redskins. When asked by police if there was anyone else on his big wheel during the big wheel crash, El Presidente commented on record that he was a big fan of Fidel Castro, because everyone hates him yet he's been in power for 60 years. He then said that Tim Tebow sucks, except wait now he's good and the Broncos should keep him, but wait they should get rid of him, ok good was this a good move for the Jets, he's terrible though so Mark Sanchez has nothing to worry about, but the point is it must have been hell for anyone watching ESPN this week.
A full list of the night's winners below:
Most Handsome: (tie) Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, John "Hacksaw" Serris, Dynamite Chris Parish
Most Consistent - Lifetime Achievement: Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons
Fastest Learner (Nuances): John "Hacksaw" Serris
Mahogany Identification: Dynamite Chris Parish, Cyborg
2012 Best Tech Innovation: Hackpad (10g version)
Highest Average, under-1 division: Dynagirl (299)
Most Disappointing, under-1 division: Dynagirl
Best Closing Ration, Season: Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon (41%)
Best Closing Ratio, Last Season: Dynamite Chris Parish (80%)
Least Tacos Eaten: Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons
Best Listener: Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons
Fisherman, Most Avid: John "Hacksaw" Serris
