BDS, Wallendas Take Precautions

Santa Monica, CA - The members of Back Door Santa and The Bowling Wallendas have retreated to Hacksaw's 100-foot luxury lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", in an effort to thwart plans by corrupt league despot El Presidente to derail TNT's much-heralded championship match on Thursday.

According to league sources, El Presidente called the White House early Wednesday and told President Obama that he was finally "willing to negotiate" his surrender as the totalitarian dictator of TNT. Obama was so excited to hear the news that he scheduled a trip to El Presidente's bunker in Los Angeles for Thursday evening. Sources also said that El Presidente has no intentions of giving up his iron fist rule of the league, but instead only wants to create a diversion and give himself enough time to rig the league score sheets and place his own team in the championship game against four blind guys. Not guys who are bowling with their blind score, but dudes who are legally blind. If that match does occur, the Wynn Las Vegas sports book gives El President's team 7-1 odds to win the championship.

In a show of solidarity and fairness, BDS ringer Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, extended an olive branch to the Wallendas and asked them to stay with BDS aboard his spacious lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", for their own protection and to ensure the safety of both teams before the big match. The teams will then travel from Lil SoCo to Bayshore lanes aboard Hacksaw's 200 seat private jet, the befittingly-named "Johnnie Skymaster." The jet, recently purchased by Hacksaw for $16.8 billion dollars, comes equipped with a 5-star buffalo steakhouse, a 300 acre African safari, a ten-story Four Seasons hotel, a water slide, a high-stakes casino, and 16 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.

"I've had a soft spot for the Wallendas ever since First Captain Kevin Meister agreed to help defend me in Roe v Boat, and all I want is a fair match. The Wallendas seem to be enjoying their time here, and Heather has really taken a shine to the high-stakes casino. We'll probably comp her this weekend."

The Wallendas put themselves in the position for the title game by annihilating the competition last week, beating some team I don't feel like looking up but the point is, this is going to be a huge match. The Wallendas have a lifetime 37-2 record against Back Door Santa, led by Adam McStrikerson and his patented "walk away like you don't need that shit" post-strike strut. Fans across the world have been regaled and entertained by the many times FC Meister has made sweet sweet love to the ball return machine.

It's been an exhausting week for Back Door Santa as they prepare for the championship match. Team Captain My Captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon returned Wednesday from Geneva, where he was honored by the World Astrological Association for his work in discovering a new comet 25 light years away. He first noticed it Monday while he was adjusting his rearview mirror and casually glanced up into the sky with his insane new laser vision awesomeness. The WAA celebrated the feat by destroying every telescope in Switzerland cuz they don't need that shit anymore with Shot Boy around, and declared April as National Shot Boy Century.

BDS rookie and resident heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons is embroiled in a sex scandal, namely that all the chicks in TNT want to have sex with him and at this point are making it fairly obvious. The scandal started when a league member (identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons") went on the internet and started calling out all the "whores lol" in TNT and how they'd "better step off my man m i rite".

"I have not done anything to cause all this," said the handsome rookie with his biceps glistening in the sun. "I mind my own business, and furthermore I'm a happily married man. My wife, Madelyn Burke-Lyons, doesn't need to spend her time reading this in the tabloids. She's so upset that last night she waited almost 2 nanoseconds to whip off her bikini and start worshipping me when I came home."

When asked if he had an open marriage, Powderkeg said only "absolutely" and that "there's a decent chance" he would satisfy some of the other league ladies at his leisure, providing it didn't interfere with his love of bowling.

In other BDS news, look at this fantastic episode rundown from Season 3 of Melrose Place. God damn they don't make shows this awesome anymore

"Sydney makes a suspicious deal with two new business partners for Mancini Designs for a new pantie hose. With Brooke's help, Amanda launches a successful coup against Alison by making her look incompetent to D&D's board of directors which results in Alison's dismissal and Amanda immediately taking over her position. Meanwhile, Michael threatens Amanda when he receives a restraining order from her. Kimberly get complimented out of the camp when she breaks her drill instructor's arm and returns as an unstable-as-ever person, vowing to get back at Michael for abandoning her. Matt meets the hospital's new plastic surgeon, Paul Graham, who is also gay and invites Matt out on a date. Also, Jo feels guilty about seeing Jess behind Jake's back.

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Trial Of The Century Begins

Santa Monica, CA

Flanked by his legal counsel, First Captain Kevin Meister, John "Hacksaw" Serris entered a Santa Monica courtroom today to defend himself in the $40 million dollar lawsuit filed against him by California Bowling Pin Makers of American #69.

Tensions mounted early in the trial when it was determined that the lawyer for Union #69, named "E.L. Presidente", was actually TNT league president Rue "El Presidente" Meade who disguised himself with a fake mustache and sombrero. Meister questioned the identity of E.L. Presidente after he made several comments throughout his opening statements that "we all know freedom is stupid", and was seen openly fixing league scoresheets while pretending to take notes.

"Your honor, I object!" said FC Meister. "The legal counsel for Union 69 is obviously El Presidente and therefore represents a conflict of interest during this trial."

"If I'm actually El Presidente, then how many fingers do I have?" replied E.L. Presidente.

Meister had Hacksaw face the jury and hold up ten fingers, which turned out to be the exact amount of fingers on the hands of El Presidente. In a brilliant move, Meister instructed Hacksaw to put on a pair of sanitary leather gloves to symbolize that he had 'washed his hands of corruption.'

It has been a trying week for Hacksaw, who instead of preparing for this week's league match had to spend $276 billion of his own money to install a security system on his 200-foot yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat", in response from numerous death threats from timber lobbyists commonly known as the "Wood Mafia." Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, also installed 10-foot thick bullet and missile-proof windows on his lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo."

In related news, Associated Press this week printed excerpts from a police sting suggesting that Back Door Santa's opponents this week, Split It And Quit It, were being funded by the Wood Mafia.

"It all makes sense," said First Captain Kevin Meister during an interview aboard Hacksaw's 200-foot yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat." "You'll notice that everytime they bowl against a team that is openly anti-Wood Mafia, they throw a 3,000 series. When they bowl a neutral team, they take a night off. I fully expect them to bowl out of their minds this week against BDS which is complete bullshit. I'm out of order? YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER," said Meister to no one in particular.

In other news, BDS hotshot rookie sexpot Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons began a media tour to promote his award-winning documentary "Lies, Betrayal, Drugs, Madelyn Burke-Lyons, Bowling, and Laughter: The Powderkeg Story," directed by Martin Scorcese. The film begins in January 2011 during the TNT draft, and follows Lyons and his team through last week, when they somehow won 3 points despite bowling with their heads up their asses. In one controversial scene, a slow-motion Lyons bowls a 180 game despite a fan (identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons") velcroing herself to his waist for nine frames.

"I wanted my fans to see a side of me that ESPN rarely shows," said Powderkeg on "The Today Show." "Everyone knows that I just love to bowl, but I'm more than that. I also love to watch my team bowl, and I also love bowling."

Team captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon appeared on 60 Minutes to address rumors that BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish had recently completed a stay at "Nuances," the brand new rehabilitation center aboard Hacksaw's lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo." Spanning over 24,000 square feet, Nuances boasts an Olympic diving center, a go kart track, 17 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's specifications, a demolition derby, and the world's first dodo bird petting zoo. The formerly-extinct birds are on loan from the Hacksaw Preservation society, which was able to resurrect the birds by combining fossil DNA and intangibles.

Morley Safer: Shot Boy, tell us about Dynamite. We heard he was in rehab

SB: Yeah, we had to get his addiction straightened out before next week. We're trying to win a championship, but more importantly, we want him to be healthy.

MS: So what is his addiction?

SB: Shitting the bed

MS: Let me get this straight - he's been shitting on beds?

SB: It's a metaphor, Morley. By "shitting" I mean "shitting," and by "bed" I mean "my soul".

MS: Has this been going on a long time?

SB: Ever since I can remember. People don't know the troubles he has because he's so handsome, but he's been shitting the bed as long as I've known him. One time he shit the bed so hard during a ping pong game that I was forced to see his dong.

MS: Out of context, that doesn't even make sense.

SB: All I know is when I see anachondas now I freak out.

Row The Boat Full Of Seamen

Santa Monica, CA - With the TNT Winter season winding down, Back Door Santa's legal team paid a visit to Hacksaw John Serris' 200 foot yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat", to discuss next steps.

First Captain Kevin Meister, the official legal counsel for BDS and seasoned seafarer, spent 7 hours aboard the glorious vessel to help Hacksaw prepare for his defense in the case of Hacksaw vs. Union 69. The case, which the London tabloids have dubbed "Roe v Boat", has garnered worldwide interest and attention. Hacksaw and Meister hunkered down in the tavern Hacksaw had built on his yacht, Thirsty Scholar West, to go over Hacksaw's testimony in what Meister told the New York Times was "a public witch hunt against handsomology."

"Never in my 7 week legal career have I witnessed such a sham lawsuit," said the sea captain. "Arrrgh, it makes me angrier than a mermaid on stilts. It's not my fault the union insists on making pins using common wood, when other materials such as enforced titanium or Kevlar are readily available and could potentially withstand the brute force of a Hacksaw roll. We're building a case to prove that Union 76 has long been provided kickbacks from the lumber industry, or as it's most commonly known, Wood Mafia. They've been terrorizing forests since the dawn of time. Everyone knows this. I probably don't even need to build a case. I just need to show up. If you search Google for "Wood Mafia" this will be the first article you see. Probably the ONLY article, because before today nobody's ever had the stones to take them on. Fucking Wood Mafia man, jesus the beers were flowing this afternoon in the Thirsty Scholar West, I'm telling you."

When asked about what evidence he had to help Hacksaw's defense, Meister said that he had "a lot of hearsay and conjecture, which are kinds of evidence."

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, spent the rest of the day purchasing a new lifeboat for his yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat." This new lifeboat, the appropriately named "Lil SoCo", is 100-feet of pure beauty. Equipped with 10 bowling lanes built to his specifications, Lil SoCo also has 3 helicopter landing pads, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a parking garage to house his vintage Hollywood collection (including the Harley-Davidson fatboy used by rugged Jake Hanson on Melrose Place), and an observatory with a telescope fifty-one times more powerful than the Hubble. Its 6 billion horsepower outboard motor is powered by 200 megatons of plutonium, and there's room onboard for Hacksaw's designer Louis Vitton lifejackets.

"Conditions get rough out there sometimes, and God forbid if something happened while at sea, I wanted to make sure my guests and I had an escape vessel," said Hacksaw.

In other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons guest-starred on daytime television's most popular soap opera, "It Never Ends". He played handsome womanizer Dr. Tad Winslow, with sexy results.

"It was fun, I've always had the acting bug," said Powderkeg. "Usually most offers I get are for modeling. In fact, famed photographer Ashley Goeser-Lyons came over for a high-profile photo shoot just yesterday. I found her style unique in that in lieu of bringing a camera or taking pictures, she told me we were meant to be together and then locked herself in my bathroom and wouldn't come out until I promised to hold her."

The Twitter-verse was alive with gossip and speculation about the high-profile photo shoot, and the Huffington Post printed screengrabs of comments from one randomly-selected account, @moonlyons:

"WTF are you doing in the bathroom b****. I can see you from this tree"

"Hey @powderkeg I forgive you loveypants. LOL i can c u"

"and be wonderful! RT@powderkeg I just love to bowl"

"lol i no rite RT@elpresidente democracy is stupid. I love corruption"

"lol at all teh haters RT@madelynburkelyons dude that's my husband"

"they r sexy 2 RT@dynamite this week's post is crazy long and I haven't even gotten to the other team members."

The Los Angeles Times reported that BDS team members Dynamite Chris Parish and Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon took a meditation retreat to work on Dynamite's game, or lack thereof. The duo hiked 14 miles to the top of Mt. Hackmore, the world's second-tallest mountain, which had just been installed on the second deck of Hacksaw's 200-foot yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat." Once they were at the summit, Shot Boy read excerpts from his upcoming bowling strategy guide, titled "Have You Ever Considered Not Fucking Sucking." Much of the text is comprised of comments Shot Boy has made directly to Dynamite in recent weeks.

"We are only two weeks away from position week, and now is the time to ramp up our game," said Shot Boy. "I expressed concern to Dynamite that he fucking blows, and I'm worried that he could potentially ruin things for the entire team unless he took not being shitty seriously. I felt like it was a productive conversation."

Shot Boy also made headlines this week when he discovered a new galaxy 20 billion light years away from the earth, just by looking up into the night sky with his new awesome laser vision awesomeness.