Hacksaw Purchases Whole Foods

Santa Monica, CA -

A wild day on Wall Street concluded today with a savvy chain of events, beginning with Hacksaw Inc selling its shares of Johnnie Foodmaster to Whole Foods (WFM), then several hours later purchasing all shares of Whole Foods (WFM) and becoming the exclusive owner.

"In an effort to streamline the supply of organic hops to Häuksäuw, my investment team determined that it was in our best interests to purchase Whole Foods outright," said BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris in a statement to the Federal Trade Commission. "In order to minimize our outbound cash flow, we decided to liquidate our Johnnie Foodmaster holdings and sell our shares to Whole Foods. We then concluded that the next logical step would be to purchase all shares of Whole Foods."

According to sources, Hacksaw met throughout the night with his investment team, led by Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on stock trade haberdashery. They spent several seconds crunching numbers on their Hackpads, after updating the software to hOS v 124.3. Shares of Whole Foods opened Wednesday at $94, and jumped 10% to $103.40 once news spread that Whole Foods had reached a deal to purchase Johnnie Foodmaster. However, once more news spread that Hacksaw, as part of the deal, would not be a board member at Whole Foods, shares of Whole Foods fell dramatically to -$467. At this point, any shareholder has to pay someone to take shares off of their hands. After several seconds, an investment group led by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris arranged a deal to accept shares of Whole Foods from anyone willing to pay the balance of the shares plus a service fee of $19.95/share. That is, once a shareholder paid Hacksaw $467 plus $19.95/share, they were able to unload their worthless stock. Hacksaw was able to acquire all existing shares, a total of 184.67 million, making $3.68 billion dollars in service fees.

Once the news spread that Hacksaw had become the majority shareholder of Whole Foods (WFM), the stock price surged from -$467/share to $5,698/share - bringing Hacksaw's total profit for six seconds of trading to $1.118 trillion dollars (US).

"We're excited to welcome Whole Foods into the Hacksaw family of assets," Hacksaw's statement continued. "The synergy this deal brings - combining the fine organic hops along with the 4 million varieties of barley produced at Häuksäuw - will guarantee only the utmost quality of BDS Ale for the foreseeable future."

According to Hackapedia, the new and accurate source of US history, this was the most profitable purchase in United States history since 1803, when a group of investors led by Klaus Häuksäuw Von Guile acquired 828,000 square miles from France at the price of 3 cents/acre - nearly doubling the size of the United States at the time. The Häuksäuw Swindle (called the "Louisiana Purchase" at the time) included all of present day Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Oklahmoa, Kansas, Nebraska, and some other shit.

Hacksaw's first order of business after purchasing Whole Foods was to appoint his protege, DynaGirl, as the new CEO. Since she's only like 1, she will be mentored by Hackosaur until she reaches the legal age of 18, wherein she'll take full control of Whole Foods.

"This is not a puppet regime," said Hacksaw. "I trust the instincts of DynaGirl and she'll have full control of inventory of products. Whole Foods will continue to supply all of the foods she holds most dear, including organic spinach pouches, kale, oatmeal bars, more spinach pouches, yogurt, what you don't like yogurt pouches anymore? Ok how about this mac and cheese. No? OK what are you pointing at. You want your sippy cup? Yes? No? Now you want the yogurt. Yeah throw it on the floor, thanks. I'll pick it up again, this is a fun game."

In other news, the Associated Press released footage of two soconium-powered 18 wheelers leaving the grounds of Häuksäuw Wednesday night to begin the treacherous journey to Hermosa Beach for Hacktoberfest. According to reports, one of the 18 wheelers houses the two kegs of beer, and the other is a mobile transport for Hack Team Five, tasked with protecting the beer from thieves for rapid fans who get too close to the vehicle. The ales are scheduled to arrive in Hermosa Beach on Saturday morning, tapped during Opening Ceremonies while participants enjoy the Bloody Marys of Excellence and a hearty Guile Breakfast.

In yet other news, TMZ is reporting that BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon has filed for divorce from his boo of two months, Marissa Miller-Tabon, with the official reasoning being style cramping. Inside sources say that Miller-Tabon had been pestering Shot Boy for weeks to get an invitation to Hacktoberfest before displaying the necessary guile and accuracy desired in all attendants.

"I was brushing my teeth at my estate in Santa Monica," said Shot Boy to TMZ. "While applying toothpaste, I casually looked over my shoulder and noticed the official Hacktoberfest mugs recently delivered to Dynamite and housed in Hermosa Beach. It was then that I knew my wife was never going to love mahogany like I do."

And finally this week, the NCAA released its full schedule of championship games this week to be shown during Hacktoberfest, including:

Alabama vs LSU
Oregon vs USC
Michigan vs Minnesota

I mean holy shit HACKTOBERFEST IS GOING TO BE AWESOME. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DYNAMITE

Hacksaw Purchases American History

Santa Monica, CA -

Tired of the inconsistencies and half truths prevalent in the left-and-right wing media's portrayal of American history, TNT ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had purchased the entire American history.

"It's with great pleasure that I announce my purchase of the history of the United States of America," said Hacksaw during this week's press conference. "For too long, our precious schoolchildren have been forced to learn incorrect facts and flat-out lies that have been perpetuated by our irresponsible media and textbooks. The Hacksaw family has, for generations, kept detailed records of events and individuals who were influential in building this great land."

According to sources, Hacksaw reached his limit this past week when Ann Coulter of Fox News called the President a retard, without giving credit to some of the great retards who helped build and destroy this nation, like George W. Bush. He dispatched his trusted advisor, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on historical anecdotal actualization, to Washington DC to begin negotiations with Congress to purchase the entity of American history. Hacksaw was surprised to find that he was the only bidder, and the US Congress quickly accepted his offer of $46 trillion dollars.

Ivy League scholars across the land hailed Hacksaw's purchase as a victory for the factual accuracy and history of the United States.

"No longer will our schoolchildren be subject to the story of Johnny Appleseed," said incumbent Harvard President Drew Gilphin Faust. "Instead, they will learn the story of Hackie Mahogaseed, who traveled this great land on foot planting millions of mahogany trees with a dream that one day, every American would be able to realize his or her God given right to learn the nuances."

Textbook giant Simon & Schuster worked this week to advance copies of its new version of The History of the United States, complete with a finally accurate re-telling of the Boston Hops Party. According to the newly accurate version, citizens of Boston became enraged when the British crown sent only 4 million different kinds of hops to the colonies, far less than what was needed to brew BDS Ale for 1773's Hacktoberfest. The citizens banded together under the darkness of nightfall to throw the bushels of hops into the Boston Harbor, yelling "All hail Ye Olde Hacksawe and his merry brewers!". Aye, twas a good time.

The new textbooks also updated their factual information regarding the Teapot Dome scandal of 1922. During the scandal, members of President Warren G "Money" Harding's administration were convicted of taking bribes and handing out uncontested contracts to three US corporations who received the right to mine the lush mahogany forests near Teapot Dome, Wyoming. The corporations at the time controlled 99% of the US mahogany industry until 2010, when the industry was consolidated and sold to Hacksaw Inc for $1987 quadrillion dollars.

To celebrate his recent purchase, Hacksaw flew to Boston this week aboard Johnnie Skymaster to take part in a recreation of the Boston Hops Party. The Herald reported that Hacksaw had a wicked retahded toss of his first bushel, converting a 7-10 seagull split to the surprise of no one, and at one point reached an accuracy level of 13.47589694876 units, as measured by the HackPad 14.

In other BDS news, team captain my captain announced that filling in for Hacksaw this week would be league favorite Tara LaRue Johnson of the Center Against Nuance Scoreboarding (CANS).

"I'm quite pleased to help BDS this week, as is everyone associated with my CANS," said LaRue Johnson in a statement to the media. "Too often, TNT league matches are derailed by people who seem kind of nice but in actuality are just constantly watching the scoreboard like a bunch of bitches. We here at CANS strive to use our 'CANS-do' to prevent this sort of thing. You can be sure that my CANS will be on prominent display this week as I attempt to lure eyeballs away from the scoreboard and towards something a little more intriguing and bouncy."

BDS Hires Papas Fritas

Dynamite, Powderkeg, and Papas Fritas discuss strategy in Costa Rica

Santa Monica, CA -

TNT favorites Back Door Santa announced this week that they had hired exiled Cuban political prisoner Codi "Papas Fritas" Harris in an effort to thwart nefarious TNT despot El President's upcoming corruption.

According to reports, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was forced to take an emergency flight to Florida and check his son, notorious womanizer Cobra Kai, into rehab for allegedly getting drunk on Gutter Juice and having caesar salad with six ladies at the same time.

The trip could not come at a worse time for Back Door Santa, as the scores for October 18th have just been posted, and they narrowly lost to El Presidente 15-0 in four games.

In a statement released by the official state-run newspaper in Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, El Presidente commended the heart and intangibles of Back Door Santa, but said they were no match for El Presidente's prowess on the lanes tomorrow.

"Once again I have proved victorious," said El Presidente. "Tomorrow was a day like any other for me; I focused on the task at hand and threw to the best of my humble abilities. Back Door Santa tried valiantly to corral my endless array of strikes, but unfortunately for them, they were no match for me this upcoming Thursday."

In an emergency attempt to change the future, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish flew along with BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons flew aboard Johnnie Skymaster south to Jaco, Costa Rica to meet with the exiled Papas Fritas.

Fritas became world renowned as a professor of mahoganic science at Havana A&M University, even devoting substantial time to the El Presidente administration. However, things took a turn for the worse in 2011 when he published a scientific study stating that it's mathematically impossible for a bowler to record more than 300 pins in a single game, and questioned the authenticity of El President's numerous Cuban scoring records.

"Based on the long-standing rules of bowling, which are accepted by the World Bowling Federation, as well as basic principles of elementary arithmetic, I find it hard to believe that El Presidente, with all due respect, could bowl a 900 game," said Papas Fritas at the time. "I hereby suggest that our noble leader put an end to the traditional December 25th El Dia De El Presidente and return said date back to Christmas."

According to witnesses, El Presidente flew into a rage and had Papas Fritas imprisoned in a Cuban hot box until he promised to recant his 'devil numbers'. Not to be outdone, Fritas was able to escape the Cuban hot box by seducing the bevy of female prison guards with calm words, a twinkle in his eye, and how about some of this fine rum I happen to have here baby, you look like you could relax, no pressure, wow you're tense let me help you out with that. 

In order to ensure the safety of Papas Fritas during tomorrow's match, Emmy-winning entertainer Hack Bird has pledged the appearance of his personal security team, the Hack Bird Five. Anyone who comes within 7,000 yards of Papas Fritas must present identification proving themselves to be a member of BDS or a non-hobgoblin female.

In previously mentioned BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon boarded Yo Hacka Hacka this morning with his boo, Marissa Miller-Tabon, and flew to Florida to host an intervention for his son, the notorious womanizer Cobra Kai. Shot Boy was too distraught to give a statement to the gathering press, but his sex-fiend wife Marissa Miller-Tabon made herself available.

"It's just tragic, how a young boy could consume so much Gutter Juice," said MMT. "And then have these lades take advantage of him with their caesar salads. He's too young for sex."

Hacksaw Purchases PBS, Introduces Hack Bird

Santa Monica, CA -

In an effort to thwart Republican efforts to shut down PBS, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had reached an agreement to purchase the Public Broadcasting Network.

The announcement was made this morning at a press conference aboard Hacksaw's 200 ft luxury yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat", where Hacksaw also noted that he was changing the name of PBS' flagship show Sesame Street to Hacksaw Lane in an effort to engage the show with 21st century audiences.

"The annual cost per American to run PBS is $1.32. It's fucking ridiculous that Republicans have been threatening to shut down PBS for ten years. So fuck those fuckers, I bought it, and we're going to blow this shit out," said Hacksaw. "Hackosaur set up extensive focus groups this week, and we've made changes to some of the shows and characters in an effort to broaden our reach and of course profitability."

In one of the first changes, Hacksaw announced that Big Bird would now be called Hack Bird Presented by Johnnie Foodmaster.

"Mitt Romney is a fucking lying fuck, and fuck him for threatening to kill Big Bird," Hacksaw continued. "Well fuck him - now he can't because Big Bird doesn't exist. Instead, you'll have to aim your sights at Hack Bird, and good fucking luck getting through his security team."

Hacksaw also introduced the Hack Bird Five, a HAYO-trained assault force sworn to protect Hack Bird at all times. Each week the HBF will follow Hack Bird around as he teaches youngsters how to read, write, and hit their marks regardless of the degree of mahoganic difficulty. If an assailant so much as gets within 400 yards of Hack Bird, each member of HBF is prepared to shoot his or her soconium-powered 6 billion MM Gatling Hackers - capable of downing an adult stegosaurus from 6,000 yards in one shot, should the opportunity present itself.

In conjunction with the press conference, Hacksaw took the opportunity to introduce the shows slated for the PBS fall schedule.

Hacksaw Lane - The flagship of PBS for over forty years, Hacksaw Lane will continue to be produced by Henson Studios, albeit with 40,000 times the annual budget they had when publicly funded.  The new budget allowed for some upgrades to fan favorite characters, including Oscar the Grouch, who moves from a garbage can into a luxury 24 karat solid gold dumpster.

Soconium Company - Hacksaw hired director Martin Scorsese to revive the 70's show and adapt it to modern times.

The Hack Bird Hour - Hacksaw Lane veteran Hack Bird will host a one hour talk show with his new sidekick, Strikealupagus, a hairy elephant-like creature known for his deft touch on the bowling lanes. TMZ reported that the first guest on Hack Bird's new show will be BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, stopping by to dish 

Brewing With Uncle Hacksaw - BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, who recently purchased PBS, will host a new cooking show aimed at teaching youngsters how to safely brew their own beer.

PBS Cribs - Each week, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris will invite Americans into his various properties and estates during an intimate 30 minutes, highlighted by the first episode, when cameras were allowed for the first time on the sun.

Shot Boy's Halloween Special - A spooky hour that's not for the faint of heart, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon sits by the fireplace and tells the story of an evil goblin who fucking ruins everything, gee I wonder why we don't talk to you anymore.

PBS Nightly News with El Presidente - Airing at midnight, TNT despot El Presidente covers the news of the day and the various inaccuracies reported by the incompetent American media.

Where's Pablo? - This new show stresses fun and learning when a group of kids visit bowling alleys across the land searching for the mythical Pablo Lyons. When three side-by-side lanes show 7-10 splits after a ball hits the pocket, Where's Pablo? Weekly fun for the whole family, with sexy results.

My So-Called Hackosaur - A new reality show based on the life and times of a handsome dinosaur, revived in the 21st century by way of ancient DNA and guile.