Report: Hacksaw to Change Mondays and Saturdays to Thursdays

Santa Monica, CA - Unhappy with the performance of several of the weekdays in 20HT, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris is considering adding more Thursdays to the calendar week.

According to reports, Hacksaw commissioned his trusted advisor and legal partner Hackosaur to audit the past 12 months and determine the number of wins Back Door Santa had achieved on each of the original 7 days of the week.

"It blew my mind when he dropped the report on my desk," said Hacksaw. "The data speaks for itself. 100% of our wins have come on a Thursday. So I ask any analyst out there - if there is such a strong line of demarcation, doesn't it make sense to add more Thursdays to the week?"

"As a result, two days of the week formerly known as Monday and Saturday will potentially also be Thursdays, increasing the number of Thursdays in a given week by 200%," Hacksaw continued. "Now that's something I can get behind."

Hacksaw hopes that this change will also have a positive impact on team hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

"He's the only team member bowling well this season," said Hacksaw. "Imagine how much better he would be if he didn't constantly have to ask if it's Thursday yet. Three days out of 7, he's going to know the answer."

In other team news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish had his ball worked on this week in hopes that it will improve his dismal performance this season. According to sources, Dynamite removed the urethane cover and replaced it with the shell of the Pinta Island tortoise.

According to Hackapedia, this turtle is one of the few species of Giant Galapagos tortoises and the rarest animal in the world - since there is only one left alive. "Lonesome George" is the sole surviving member of the Pinta Island race, and analysts predict that George won't last much longer in the harsh Galapago islands without a shell for protection.

"I was devastated to hear the news about George and his pending demise," said Dynamite, an avid animal lover. "Mankind can be so cruel. As a result, I dedicate every strike I get this season in honor of Lonesome George. I should get a lot of strikes thanks to the improved accuracy and sheen of my new Pinta Island tortoise bowling ball."

And finally this week, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon refuted reports that he was offended by the name of the latest awesome BDS tradition, the Piston Honda. The ACLU had reported that the name was offensive to all Japanese(?) Americans.

"I want to say to all my Chinese brethren, put down your arms and have a little fun out there," said Tabon.

Dynamite Not Traded

Santa Monica, CA -

The TNT trade deadline passed this afternoon, and contrary to numerous analyst predictions, Back Door Santa weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was not traded and will remain with BDS until the end of the season or until he is released.

"I don't know where those rumors came from," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "We weren't trying to get rid of him. I can confirm, however, that we found no takers on any team in the league, so if we were going to hypothetically trade him, it would have been impossible."

Dynamite has been a disappointment and fuck i'm late for bowling HAYO

Dynamite Tests Positive for StegaMAXXX, Is Reinstated

DynaGirl demonstrates the hallucinogenic effects of StegaMAXXX

Santa Monica, CA -

ESPNBDS reported this morning that Back Door Santa weak link Dynamite Chris Parish had tested positive for the PED StegaMAXXX, and as a result his 50-game ban was reversed and he re-joined the team.

Last Friday, during a routine drug test, Dynamite tested negative for the stegosaurus antler spray developed by BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, and as a result was banned by BDS for 50 games, the standard penalty for a first offense.

Dynamite immediately appealed the decision, stating that he was confused by the label on the bottle and did not realize he needed to take StegaMAXX every hour in order to keep traces of it in his urine.

"The label is written in steggish, which is the ancient language of the Jurassic-era dinosaurs," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "Dynamite has studied steggish at length, but admits that it often takes away from his true love, mahogany identification."

"This is partly my fault, maybe," said Powderkeg. "I tried calling the labeling company when I was back in the Jurassic era, suggesting maybe we use English on the labels instead of steggish, but unfortunately the cell reception 4 million years ago was terrible."

Dynamite hired famed steggish historian Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on prehistoric communication, to represent him during his appeal. The duo then traveled to NYC to plead their case in front of The Honorable Hackosaur, the presiding arbitrator. After an intense 4 femtoseconds of debate, Judge Hackosaur realized that Hackosaur had an airtight case, and ordered that Dynamite be re-tested immediately.

"I'm embarrassed - I feel like I let the team down," said Dynamite. "Not as much as, say, every single game I've bowled this season."

The reinstatement of Dynamite is rurored to be bittersweet for the rest of Back Door Santa. On one hand, they have high hopes that StegaMAXXX can help even the shittiest of bowlers. On the other hand, sources say that the team was really looking forward to not having to pretend that Dynamite could eventually turn this thing around, because holy fuck it's unbelievable.

Reporters surrounded Powderkeg after the case and asked him if he thought that while Dynamite has been atrocious, it was actually a ruse to build a high handicap for the stretch run, as well as continue to enjoy the sweet sweet nectar of each puff from his StegaMAXXX inhaler.

"Next question," replied Powderkeg.

Powderkeg Invents Stegosaurus Antler Spray

Available for $64MM/oz

Santa Monica, CA -

ESPNBDS reported early Wednesday that the reason BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons missed bowling last week was because he had traveled back in time to the Jurassic era to collect the necessary ingredients for his latest creation, a Stegosaurus antler spray called StegaMaXXX.

According to TNT league sources, tensions on Back Door Santa had come to a head after BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish shit the bed for a record 5th week in a row. As a result, Powderkeg was sent 4 million years back in time along with Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on extinct cuticle hormones.

"It's been unbelievable," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "I mean, it's literally like Dynamite has never fucking bowled before. Hacksaw asked him last week, 'Well what do you normally look at when you throw the ball' and he had no fucking idea. Dude this is your 9th season, what the fuck. HOW DO YOU NOT REMEMBER HOW TO FUCKING BOWL YOU FUCKING FUCK."

Hackosaur was dispatched back to the Hacksaw, Inc labs to try and calculate the substances needed to invent a supplement powerful enough to overcome Dynamite's bed shitting. After a grueling 4.3 pectoseconds of number crunching on his Hackpad, Hackosaur determined that there has only been one substance in the history of earth adequate enough to overcome Dynamite's calamity - the late spring seasonal spinal pheremones of the greatest hermivorous quadruped in the history of the world.

According to Hackapedia, the Stegosaurus consisted on a diet mainly of low-lying bushes and shrubs, and because if its low brain-to-body mass ratio, was easily charmed by handsomeness and guile. Thus, it was determined that only Powderkeg had the intangibles necessary to travel back in time and gather the necessary ingredients for StegaMaXXX without changing the course of the history of mankind.

According to surveillance heiroglyphics recently discovered in Egypt, legend tells of man of 'great chiseled heart and groin' who landed in the middle of the desert and seduced an angry Stegosaurus herd with rapturous dancing and a discount double check. He then methodically collected the velvety covering of the third torsal back antler of each stegosaurus, leaving but with a kiss and a promise for a morning phone call that never came, as phones had not been invented at the time.

After returning to 20HT, Powderkeg retreated to the Hacksaw, Inc labs to begin development on StegaMaXXX. According to a recently filed FDA document, one ounce StegaMaXXX contains over 40 trillion milligrams of stegosaurus antler pheremone, allowing a user of the spray to keep his or her own accuracy within .000004% of median tendency. Initial estimates price an ounce of StegaMaXXX at $64,000,000.

"It's my greatest creation, even more than my damn weiner kids," said Powderkeg. "Something had to be done. We all laugh and joke because he bought the original Hacksaw and he can really cook a mean rack of ribs, but we should fucking fire him. Before we got to that point, I thought maybe it might be easier to exhaust all other options, including traveling back in time to the Jurassic period to harvest the velvet of an ancient and extinct animal in order to use its power solely to marginally increase the efficiency of a member of an amateur bowling league."