Powderkeg: Too Accurate?

Santa Monica, CA -

Scientists at the Accuracy Study Society (ASS) announced this week the results of their latest analysis suggesting that Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons' recent swoon may be the result of being 'too accurate.'

"There are many theories hypothesizing that one can, in fact, be too accurate," said ASS head Dr. Scott E. Shortpantz. "While Powderkeg has remained consistent, he's finding that his slow and deliberate approach with the ball often increases his accuracy to a level of 15 or higher, when his best results are typically achieved when he keeps his accuracy in the 11-13 range on a scale of 1-10."

Dr. Shortpanz, now a part of his record 5th scientific community in five seasons because other scientists love to be around him, initially tried to cancel the press conference altogether because it started a few minutes late, and he has places to be.

"While this slow and deliberate approach may be beneficial to the countless ladies watching at home on ESPNBDS, our study suggests that Powderkeg instead fire the ball with as much torque as possible, regardless of how many pins are left," Dr. Shortpanz continued. "It was this type of approach that worked during the 2011 championship season, and we're confident that while he may dance perilously close to 'almost' too accurate - 'almost' is just the right amount to claim the 2012 championship."

Immediately after the press conference, swarms of women took to social networks to post death threats directed at Dr. Shortpanz, an ASS, because he suggested that Powderkeg was anything less than the perfect handsometrical specimen. One of the many Powderkeg-centric websites, www.girlswithpowderkegtattoos.com, was shut down for several hours as hysterical women posted numerous tales of bedroom satisfaction and heartbreak in support of the young swashbuckler.


On this week's Monday conversation, broadcast on ESPNBDS, Powderkeg sat down with reporter Erin Andrews to discuss the results of that ASS Dr. Scott E. Shortpanz' study:

EA: Powderkeg, can I call you that?
PK: Of course
EA: Ok, so for the record, can I take off my blouse?
PK: Again?
EA: So talk about your recent accuracy - what do you think's going on?
PK: Well Erin, sometimes I think that the refs forget there are two teams out there. It's like they're consistently forgetting 50% of the teams
EA: It's almost like, Come on blue! Right?
PK: That's correct
EA: Tell us about your challenge record this season. It's been pretty good, 100%
PK: Well I have to thank Coach Hackosaur. He's the one reading the nuances
EA: Because he's calibrating
PK: That's correct
EA: Will you calibrate my pants?
PK: What?
EA: Nothing
PK: Do you have any food?

In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, head of Lionsgate Films, celebrated the $155 million opening weekend of their latest release, The Hacksaw Games. The movie tells the tale of teens from the 12 districts who fight to the death in front of a live audience, with the winner getting a $50 gift card to Johnnie Foodmaster and a 7 second around-the-world ride aboard Hacksaw's 300-foot lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil' Soco."

The most celebrated scene in the epic involves the main protagonist, Katniss Evergreen, who while hiding in the woods stumbles upon one of Hacksaw's hidden bowling lanes, built to his exact specifications. She studies the rich grains of the mahogany and is able to decifer the relative humidity of that latitudinal location in the woods, and really a lot of fun was had by all.

Rogue Scientist Fired From Hackosaur Lab

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris told Santa Monica police this week that his undercover investigative team, Hackerpol, had identified the rogue scientist who had infiltrated Dr. Hackosaur's lab during the creation of the Dynamite Cyborg.

"After last week's less-than-stellar debut of Dynamite Cyborg, I became suspicious," said Hacksaw in a statement. "I found it hard to believe that a cyborg created via MS Paint and the latest version of Hackborg could perform so poorly. Furthermore, it's impossible that Dr. Hackosaur, a noted cyborgotanist, would knowingly design such a shoddy product, even on a meager $7 trillion budget."

According to reports, Hackerpol discovered that a corrupt saboteur had been hired by Dr. Hackosaur during the final stages of cyborg development. Sources have identified the dastardly 'scientist' as one "Dr. Dale Presidentay", posing as a researcher from The South, USA.

Hackerpol interviewed researchers on Dr. Hackosaur's team, and most noted that Presidentay acted suspicious from the start. While most researchers were using their iHackpads to carefully calibrate the Dynamite Cyborg, Presidentay was reading a book called "How To Sabotage A Cyborg" and bragging about bowling a 2400 series, which is only possible in Cuba, and definitely not The South.

"What we ended up with was a cyborg that frankly did not perform as well as I had hoped," said Hacksaw. "The Dynamite Cyborg kept saying that he was having trouble reading the grains of oak in the lanes, which is surprising since the lanes are made of mahogany. He then threw the challenge flag whenever he got a strike, as if he was not programmed to get a strike. Furthermore, I found it suspicious that when El Presidente stopped by, Dynamite thanked him for giving him life and talked about how much fun they were going to have in Cuba. I mean, it's not like El Presidente was in the lab, we would have noticed. But there was something about this Dale Presidentay character who hailed from The South that I found curious. In any event, the only reason I can think of as to why the Dynamite Cyborg was so shitty last week is because there was a traitor in our lab."

The Associated Press printed a transcript of a Twitter conversation between Dr. Dale Presidentay and an anonymous scientist in the lab, identified only by her Twitter handle, @drashleylyons:

@drashleylyons: I am so hungry where are the 'raccoons' lol

@drdalepresidentay: hello i am from the south you all, i reckon its time 2 change scores

@drashleylyons: what part of the south lol

@drdalepresidentay: the southern part, def not cuba lol what is mahoginny

@drashleylyons: why do u even work here lol i love burritos

@drdalepresidentay: what do u mean i am scientist from the south. yee haw where is pablo

@drashleylyons: wut lol when we r calibrating u r holding test tubes upside down lol amirite

@drdalepresidentay: lol how do u know? raccoons are always eating with you #insidejoke

@drashleylyons: @drdalepresidentay got your email. it's 'nuances' not 'noo onciz' lol

@drdalepresidentay: fav athlete of all time is El Presidente

Hackosaur Creates Dynamite Cyborg

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that his team of scientists, led by noted cyborgotanist Dr. Hackosaur, have built an exact replica of BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish that will be used for the remainder of the TNT season.

"This cyborg, or cybernetic organism, looks and feels exactly like Dynamite, except that we've added some nuances to increase his consistency 4 billion percent," said Hacksaw. "So we expect, that with this 4 billion percent increase in consistency, he will now be consistent roughly 50% of the time, on a consistent basis. At the very least, this cyborg can't be any shittier at bowling than Dynamite."

According to the Associated Press, the prototype was digitally designed by Dr. Hackosaur's team using a combination of MS Paint and Hackborg, one of the latest additions to iHackpad store. Researchers drafted a sketch of the cyborg in Paint and then used Hackborg to determine the optimal level of intangibles needed to result in the effective increase in consistency.

The new Dynamite Cyborg could not come at a better time, as BDS is making their annual spring run towards a championship, with only Dynamite's consistent lack of consistency standing between them and more hardware.

"Look, this has been a long-time coming," said Hacksaw. "Shot Boy, Powderkeg and I convened on my 200-foot luxury yacht, the aptly-named 'Row The Boat', and discussed a course of action. It was either calmly ask Dynamite to practice a bit more, or ask the prehistoric dinosaur I brought back to life with a combination of ancient DNA and guile to construct a fully-operational cyborg in the form of Dynamite, and then use said cyborg for the rest of the season."

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, sat down with Cyborg Fancy magazine this week and detailed some of the technical aspects of this new handsome robot. They include:

- A 40 trillion horsepower soconium-powered central nervous system able to calculate to the 99.97th percent what foot to start on

- a built-in HackPad quad quadcore processor designed to minimize variations in score between games from 80 pins to 25 pins

- a left arm with removable stun-gun that can be used to subdue Powderkeg when he is approaching 209 pins in any given game

- a memory processor that will track and analyze Dynamite's precise hacksaw throwing technique so it can be used to help future generations

- an internal database with the exact molecular breakdowns of over 48 billion different types of mahogany and their associated nuances and grains

- extra points for UNC-Asheville, currently needing 8 over Syracuse, cuz I picked this game ok I'm gonna watch now 1-2-3- backdoor!!

Report: El Presidente To Bowl 2400 Series Tomorrow

Havana, Cuba -

The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, reported earlier today that benevolent leader El Presidente will bowl a 2400 series tomorrow night against TNT favorites Back Door Santa.

"ESPN has confirmed that our beloved tyrant El Presidente surpassed even his own Cuban records with an historic showing at Bay Shore Lanes against Back Door Santa," the paper said. "Never before has a more fair leader bowled three straight 800 games, and it may never happen again. But if it does, it will be El Presidente. Let there be no doubt that El Presidente is the greatest bowler in Cuban history."

According to Corruption Enthusiast, the members of Back Door Santa attempted to forfeit the match before it even began, knowing that they did not have the heart and intangibles to challenge El Presidente and his consecutive 800 games.

"We barely get 800 pins as a team in most games," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "So I knew when I witnessed El Presidente bowl that 2400 series 20 hours from now that we were in trouble. There is nothing fishy about this whatsoever, and it would be tantamount to treason to suggest otherwise."

Corruption Enthusiast also reported that after the match, which is tomorrow, BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons bequeathed unto El Presidente his wife, Ashley Lyons-Presidente, for she had earned the right to be with a man of handsomeclivity and guilete such as the fair leader of Cuba.

"I don't know what I'm going to bowl tomorrow," said Powderkeg. "But my high series ever is like a 620 - so there's no way I'm going to beat the 2400 El Presidente bowled against us tomorrow."

In other news, the tech world was abuzz today as BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris threw his hat into the tablet ring and debuted what is sure to be the hottest gadget of 2012, the HackPad. Each HackPad is made of the finest mahogany, each grain more different than the next, and the screen boasts a resolution 49 billion times better than the Hubble telescope. The quadruple quad-core processor is powered by soconium, allowing the HackPad to process 6.6 quadrillion calculations per exasecond.

The tablet was designed by noted tabphysicist Hackosaur, building on a prototype he created 4.5 million years ago during the Mesozoic Era. Realizing that current iPads lacked the capabilities to monitor and control the sun's rays from outside of wifi range, Hackosaur teamed with Boost Mobile to include in each HackPad a wireless 13G connection - currently only available aboard Johnnie Skymaster. The HackPad retails for $4.5 billion dollars when you sign a two-year contract with Boost Mobile.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, admitted during a press conference today that he simply needed more computing power to calculate his bowling scores.

"I've got 14 lanes build to my exact specifications on every vessel in my fleet," said Hacksaw. "So with the amount of games I play, and the need to constantly measure not only the nuances, but also regulate the humidity and atmospheric conditions - that necessitates a soconium-powered processor. After all, the jules needed to create a Construction Zone on earth are vastly different than the kilojules needed on the sun."

And finally this week, Back Door Santa would like to thank superfan Tara "LaRue" Johnson for coming out to watch their match, even though they already lost 20 hours from now due to El Presidente's 2400 series.