Dynagirl Bowls 297

HAYO, Cuba - Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris held a press conference today to announce that his niece, the adorably-named Dynagirl, had finished her first week of training by bowling a 297 game.

"She was born Friday, so I was hoping that at this point she'd be a little further along in her training," said Hacksaw. "Reports coming from Hackosaur aboard Yo Hacka Hacka indicate that the 19 hour daily sessions are broken up by about 10-12 diaper changes, which hurts the flow of the lessons. That said, I'm fairly pleased that she's starting to put together passable games."

Sources said that Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on pin physics and infant care, has the youngster reading pin splits at an 11th grade level. Every time she gets a strike, he rewards her with a quick trip to the diamond district aboard Yo Hacka Hacka.

In other BDS news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish took his second week of sabbatical in order to gear up for the TNT stretch run. He's following an ancient Taoist training regimen wherein the human body is trained to only sleep two hours at a time, or even less if someone in the room is being fussy.

BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons are also on Back Door Santa, and commented that "this week's news seem rushed" but allowed that "we're just happy there's a news story this week at all, and we're glad the news outlets made the time because it would be bad luck if there were no news story, holy shit she's crying again we just fed her. I've got an idea, why don't I change your diaper and then you can immediately crap in the new one while you're smiling at me cuz now I'm your bitch."

TNT Awaits Newest Champion

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Uncle Hacksaw" Serris held a press conference this week to unveil his latest masterpiece, a $900 million Airbus converted into a flying jungle gym and youth center.

The flying vessel, the congruously-named "Yo Hacka Hacka", was built in preparation for the arrival of Back Door Santa's most handsome creation to date, Dynagirl.

"My niece Dynagirl was conceived via a combination of Dynamite's handsomeness and guile, and as such I felt that she needed to be raised on a steady diet of accuracy, good looks, and first-class travel."

Yo Hacka Hacka is 100 feet long, and can reach a top speed of 60,000 miles per hour. Its engine is powered by Soconium, a new element recently discovered during team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon's visit to the Mars Exhibit inside Hacksaw Square Garden. Witnesses say that Shot Boy had just finished taking in a MiniKeg concert when he casually glanced into the core of Mars and noticed a substance that seemed to contain 119 electrons, one more than the noble gas Ununoctium. A sample of the substance was sent to HAYO and analyzed by Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost scientist and physical matter expert.

Testing confirmed Shot Boy's assumptions that the new element not only had 119 electrons, but was also a fuel 25 billion times more efficient and clean-burning than biodiesel. Upon hearing the news, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, flew down to Cuba aboard Johnny Skymaster and met with Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on building airplane engines out of newly-discovered elements. Within a few seconds, Dr. Hackosaur had built the Soconium-powered engine that was then installed aboard Yo Hacka Hacka.

Anyway, Yo Hacka Hacka boasts a nursery, a K-12 prep school currently ranked #1 in the nation, a seven-story outdoor swing set comprised entirely of Redwood lumber, a diamond district, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. The plane will be the main method of BDS transportation for the remainder of the season as Dynagirl begins her championship training.

"I had some extra dollars floating around after winning the Most Outstanding Brew award at the 2011 Global Brewing Championships," said Hacksaw. "I didn't want my niece to suffer the same upbringing I had, when my parents couldn't afford or possibly didn't think it was safe to bring a zero year old to the bowling alley."

The Associated Press reported that Dynagirl will be whisked away from Cedars-Sinai within minutes of her arrival and transported via Johnny Skymaster to her new home aboard Yo Hacka Hacka. After daily feedings, she will attend 19-hour long training sessions with her coach, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on pin physics. Sources indicated that these plans may change if Dynagirl's mom reads this blog and demands to know what the fuck am I talking about.

"Newborns, especially newborns from my championship loins, tend to be almost too accurate at an early age," said Dynamite, the girl's alleged father and confirmed BDS weak link. "It's of utmost importance that she beings her training so as not to sully her family's good bowling name."

In other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons confirmed that he had signed on to star in a new movie to be directed by Martin Scorcese, "Two Teams". The flick will tell the story of a handsome bowling champion who infiltrates a bowling referee association and teaches them about equality and how there are two teams out there. The movie will feature a cameo from MLB Manager of the Year, Mocha Hurricane: Class 5.

"There's a really dramatic scene where my character, Chad Sexington, is wondering if the lanes will ever realize there are two teams out there. I'm about to give up when Mocha Hurricane comes in and reminds me how tough it is to beat my team even when you average over 200. The moral of the story, I think, is handsomeness."

And finally, in unrelated news, producers of the new TNT original series "Falling Skies" were forced to shut down production this week after the show's star, identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons", mysteriously disappeared and went on a Twitter binge. The tweets were printed by The Huffington Post (used with permission).

"lol u can be in a scorcese but not on my show? u r my falling skie"
"i wonder if the name @moonsexington is avail on twitter?"
"lol u shud @dynagirl it's warm in here. i'm going to wait at least another week"
"lol i no rite @elpresidente falling skies is not corrupt enuff lol"

MiniKeg Concert Erupts In Violence

Havana, Cuba - After news broke this week that Latin pop sensation MiniKeg was possibly the grandson of Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, millions of fans rushed the stage during his concert in Havana on Tuesday night.

The event was planned as a celebration of his father, Pablo Lyons, being hired by ruthless TNT despot El Presidente. The concert went on without a hitch until the band strummed the first ukelele chords of MiniKeg's international dance hit "Mi Abuelo Es El Powderkeg"; fans then rushed the stage, overpowering security forces in order to get a closer look at the handsome seed of Powderkeg's championship loins.

According to witnesses, MiniKeg was immediately crushed under the weight of an estimated 7,000 beautiful women, and was gasping for air until he was rescued a special ops team of Navy SEALs led by Lt. Commander Hackosaur. The team parachuted out of a hovering 300-ft long helicopter, the pertinently-named "Hack-A-Whirl", and whisked away the pop star before anyone knew what had happened.

According to the Associated Press, the real hero is BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, who was hiking in Nepal as part of his weekly Captain's Retreat with Bowling Wallendas manager FC Kevin Meister. Shot Boy looked over his shoulder and noticed that there was some sort of violence taking place in Havana, Cuba, so he called Lt. Commander Hackosaur from his iPhone 11 and asked him to check things out.

The official Cuban state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast, issued a statement after the riots.

"We challenge the liberal media to find any evidence that a dinosaur flew into Cuba on a helicopter after receiving a phone call on an iPhone model 7 versions newer than the models currently available on apple.com. It is libelous to suggest that the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban records, the benevolent El Presidente, would ever allow a violent incident like this to take place on Cuban soil. Next the liberal media will probably suggest that El Presidente fixes scores. This entire paragraph makes no sense we just realized because Cuba is a Communist nation which is actually the most extreme version of liberalism. Although we are not going to look it up."

After the long 14 second journey back to Santa Monica from Nepal aboard Johnny Skymaster, FC Meister turned his attention to his latest case, defending BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish from sexual harassment charges. According to police reports, there was an incident during last week's league matchup where Dynamite was caught staring a hole through an engaged chicks ass. Witnesses said that Dynamite moved his head from left to right, an obvious move from a savvy sexual harasser to check out an engaged chick's ass through his peripheral vision. Despite a stern warning from the victim's bodyguard/non-fiance to "stop checking out her ass, bro", a smug Dynamite ignored the warning and turned his attention the scoreboard, as if anyone was going to believe that was his intention in the first place.

"Things don't look good for Dynamite," said Meister. "From the outside, this feels like an open and shut case. Who knows what would have happened if her bodyguard wasn't secretly in love with her and protecting her, thinking eventually she'd come around and see that true love was right in front of her this whole time, just like in the movies. However, if I can successfully defend Hacksaw from a powerful union, I'm sure I can prove to the jury that just because the defendant had his eyes open doesn't necessarily prove he was looking at anyone in particular."

In other news, the concert violence in Cuba prompted BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris to finish construction of his latest wonder of the world, a 450,000 seat ampitheater, the veritably-named "Hacksaw Square Garden." Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, designed the venue as the home stage of Latin pop sensation and BDS-favorite MiniKeg. The building boasts its main stage, seven acres of 24,000 watt lights, a 56,000 gallon aquarium to house the world's first humpback whale petting zoo, 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications, and Mars, which was towed out its orbit last week by Johnny Skymaster and placed in its new home.

"I got tired of waiting to find out if there was life on Mars," said Hacksaw to ABC News. "I had some time last week so I flew up there and got it. MiniKeg shows typically have a lot of intermissions, so I thought it would be fun for the fans to play around on Mars."

Hacksaw Square Garden is being billed as the "world's safest place ever", with security forces being trained by the United States' top defense specialist and Navy SEAL, Lt. Commander Hackosaur. Each fan who attends a MiniKeg concert will have his or her own dedicated 5-man security team to help protect against riots.

The Huffington Post printed the remainder of Hacksaw's lengthy interview with ABC's Diane Sawyer.

DS: Why do you think the US Government has been historically reluctant to bring Mars down to earth?

JS: I think it's a lack of guile.

DS: What are the odds that anyone on your team is ever going to look up the world "guile"?

JS: Very low

DS: An anonymous source, identified only by her Twitter handle "@moonlyons", tweeted that your teammate Dynamite should not be worried about his sexual harassment case because logically he would never check out another girl lol. Are you worried?

JS: I am a little, Diane. Things get out of control when we're on the lanes. One minute we're calmly figuring out the nuances, the next thing you know we unleash a convoy of excellence. Many people have left TNT because we're too rowdy, and they want the freedom to not have any fun. It's easy for us because we're handsome, but bowling is serious business.

DS: At this point, what the fuck does this blog have to do with bowling?

JS: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, DIANE. NO, IT'S OVER

El Presidente Hires Pablo Lyons

Santa Monica, CA - On the eve of the birthday celebration in honor of Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, TNT despot El Presidente announced that he had hired Pablo Lyons as the new vice-president of his totalitarian regime.

"It is with great pride and trademark noncorruptionness that I announce the appointment of Pablo Lyons to the position of Vice President of Fairness for TNT," said El Presidente through the Cuban state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast. "As the best bowler in history, according to official Cuban records, I am looking forward to working on a daily basis with one of my most trusted advisors."

The move is sure to strike fear into the hearts of league members, as Pablo Lyons is the notoriously ruthless 20 year old illegitimate son of Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons. Legend has it that Pablo is so evil, within seconds after being born he started altering the scores of the Cedars-Sinai Doctors & Nurses bowling league. Upset with his son's lack of non-ruthlessness, a 16 year old Powderkeg underwent a controversial procedure to erase any memory of being the boy's father.

Mexican authorities have long suspected a tie between Pablo and Powderkeg based on Pablo's uncanny luck with the ladies. Rumor has it he has fathered 129 children of his own, including 16 year old Latin pop sensation MiniKeg. MK's first international hit, "Mi Abuelo Es El Powderkeg", contains many lyrics insinuating that he is the grandchild of Powderkeg.

"I've heard the song, no doubt," said Powderkeg to reporters. "I like the beat. If he is my grandchild then so be it. I just didn't think I could have a grandson since I didn't have any children. I always assumed my handsomeness could cross generational lines. Then I was reminded during the BDS spring meeting that I do in fact have a child, and his name is Pablo. And he's evil. And El Presidente just hired him. This is exactly what I thought was going to be the top story this week after hearing rumors during the spring meeting."

According to official TNT documents, Pablo Lyons will be in charge of recording scores each week, continuing a role he held in the Mexican Bowling Association as El Heado of Changingo Scoros Blatantlyo. It remains to be seen if this new scientific and pencil-written approach to scorekeeping will help El Presidente's team move up the rankings, as they currently sit in below last place.

In other BDS news, invitations went out this week to a birthday party honoring Back Door Santa captain my captain and official birthday boy, Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. The fete will be hosted by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris aboard his private jet, the befittingly-named "Johnnie Skymaster." In preparation for the event, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, recently installed a custom-built rollercoaster so that guests could enjoy a ride after snacking on an array of luxurious appetizers including manatee sliders, ancient salmon caviar, and buffalo eagle wings. The coaster, the felicitously-named Hackscraper, is 200 miles long and reaches speeds of 574 knots at its peak.

The event will also be a celebration of Shot Boy's recent wedding to Swiss starlet Desiree Armeenyfe-Tabon. Officiated by their friend Friar Hackosaur on the deck of HAYO in Cuba, the nuptials were the culmination of a whirlwind week-long romance that saw the happy couple travel the globe aboard Hacksaw's 200-foot lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil Soco". The couple were joined on their trip by Major League Baseball manager of the week, Mocha Hurricane Class 5, skipper of the first place Los Angeles Beer Frames. He entertained the lovebirds during the 3 minute (including bathroom breaks) voyage with his array of trick pitches, most notably The Headhunter.

"It's going to be a great party," said Hacksaw. "It will be a nice break for me, as I've spent most of this week engaging in one of my favorite pasttimes, ordaining ancient dinosaurs brought to life by ancient DNA and guile."

In injury news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish reported that he had been diagnosed this week with plantar fasciitis, known in medical circles as "the injury of champions" which afflicts such notable winners as Zydrunas Ilgauskas. The ailment, which fucking kills, comes at a bad time because Dynamite just lost 11 points on his handicap due to the unfortunate strategy of bowling better this season.

The injury was first reported on Twitter by an unnamed source, identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons". The tweets were printed this week by The Huffington Post (re-printed with permission).

"lol outside doctor's office. Looks lyke planter fashee-whatever lol"
"wait wut the fuck RT@dynamite foot hurts but congrats to Shot Boy and Mrs. Shot Boy"
"you won't be nootral for long bitch RT@desireetabon I luv chocolate and clint"
"lol i no rite @elpresidente pablo sure can fix a scorecard! i luv cheeting"

Hacksaw Buys Los Angeles Dodgers

HAYO, Cuba -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris held a press conference today to announce that he had come to terms with Major League Baseball to purchase their troubled Los Angeles franchise.

"I won a parlay bet last week when BDS swept The Bowling Wallendas, and BDS also set the season record for team high game with handicap," said Hacksaw. "The added income has allowed me the time and resources to spend on one of my favorite past times, saving troubled sports franchises. It had always been my intent, once I installed a 20,000 seat coliseum in the Hack-A-Whirl, to get a team there."

To separate the new ownership from the troubled past of the Dodgers, the new team will be named the Los Angeles Beer Frames, although their home games will be played aboard the Hack-A-Whirl at the newly-christened SoCo Field at HAYO Yards Aboard The Hack-A-Whirl, Presented By Hacksaw Industries. As part of the purchase agreement, all road games will also be played at SoCo Field, with the Hack-A-Whirl hovering over a destination of the home team's choosing.

"This is great for baseball," said scrappy New York Yankee captain Derek "Jeter" Jetes. "I think it's going to be a fun experience for not only the fans, but the players. It's been a dream of mine to play baseball games in a 20,000 seat coliseum aboard a helicopter."

As a special treat, each fan who purchases a ticket will get a free night's stay in the Hack-A-Whirl's 40-story Four Seasons hotel as well as a $400,000 gift card to spend at the Hack-A-Whirl's freshly completed luxury auto dealership. Fans can choose from Bugattis, Ferraris, Maseratis, and vintage automobiles like the Ford Excursion, Hummer H2, and Pontiac Fiero.

Shortly after the announcement, Hacksaw fired current skipper Donny Baseball and named legendary bowler Mocha Hurricane: Class 5 as the head of the Beer Frames. While he has no prior management experience, Mocha's hiring lowered the odds of the Beer Frames winning the World Series to 1:567,000. Gamblers across the land flocked to Las Vegas to bet $567,000 for the chance to win an easy dollar.

"We're going to change the strategy of this team to make it more like my own personality," said Hurricane. "The only types of hits allowed will be home runs and bunts. I see a lot of games in our future where we'll hit 8 home runs in a row, then everyone's watching, then we just fucking bunt in the 9th fra- uh, inning."

A little less shortly after the incident, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, dispatched his trusted confidant Hackosaur to Cuba in order to have a sitdown with the Head of Operations at HAYO, FC Kevin Meister. Rumors had been swirling that Meister has been having trouble managing both HAYO and his bowling team, The Bowling Wallendas.

"FC Meister is a seasoned international port manager, but he's a bowling captain first," said Hacksaw. "I know he would never admit to me that he's burning the candle at both ends, but I thought if I sent someone on my staff who holds a pHd in nautical psychology, such as Hackosaur, we might be able to figure this thing out."

In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons held a party aboard Hacksaw's lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", to celebrate a joint clothing venture with fellow TNT bowler Brandon Irons Hally. The new company, named "Handsomely Pantsed", will specialize in polo shirts and high-end trousers for the handsome man who has it all. Each pair of pants is made from only the finest in California condor silk, with a breathability that allows for both comfort and athletic performance on the bowling lanes or country club. The pants will retail for $80,000 a pair, and prospective buyers must first pass the Handsome Aptitude Leisure & Logistic Yield test, or HALLY.

"We made a decision early on that these pants were not for the un-handsome or even mildly-attractive," said Powderkeg. "Championships are not won by ugly people, mainly because they're often without the support of their families, on account of not being attractive."

The celebration was not without its apprehensive moments, however, when local media began to question Powderkeg on the whereabouts of his ex-wife, Madelyn Burke-Lyons-Meister. The former Mrs Burke-Lyons has been missing ever since she was served with divorce papers from the handsome bachelor once she stopped loving bowling.

"THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER, KEN. NO, IT'S OVER," yelled Powderkeg once he'd had enough.

Across the country, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish wowed the graduates of his alma mater, Ivy League State, with a commencement speech honoring their female graduates. Witnesses, mostly the male graduates who were forced to watch the speech 50 miles away on CNBC, said the speech was tough to understand on account of the constant female swooning. Luckily an anonymous attendee, identified only her Twitter handle "@moonlyons," live-blogged the speech (printed with permission from The Huffington Post).

"lol i didn't even go here"
"wut do u mean weak link u are strong wut iz he saying?"
"shut up whore RT@nicoleeggertcirca1992 I met him at 7-11 so handsome"
"lol i no rite? @elpresidente last place - good thing i write down scores with pencil"