Santa Monica, CA -
The Associated Press is reporting that Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on anti-biotic optimization, has developed (in conjunction with The Marinara Panda, a hot new LA eatery that provided funding) the world's first "super penicillin" in an effort to fight a new dangerous strain of pneumonia attacking the Los Angeles area.
The powerful super penicillin, dubbed "Hackcidil" by the New England Journal of Medicine, is reportedly 4 trillion times more powerful than traditional anti-biotics, and is earth's best chance to defeat a Cuban-based strain of pneumonia that is terrorizing handsome Americans. Hackcidil was synthesized by Hackosaur this week in response to the news that his sexy Godmother, Hackawife, had fallen ill to the dangerous virus known as El Pneumoniadente.
According to the journal, Hackcidil is a powerful combination of traditional penicillin, two parts soconium, a dash of guile, four tablespoons of witch hazel, 5ml of cayenne, 4 puffs of StegaMaXXX, and 2 egg whites.
"This is the most sophisticated antibiotic I've ever seen," said the hilariously-named US Surgeon General, Rear Admiral Boris D. Lushniak. "It doesn't just cure you of El Pneumoniadente. It takes El Pneumoniadente out back and beats it like a bitch. It calls it names, if you will. 'Does your husband cause fevers?" is a question it might ask. Sure, El Pneumoniadente is a cute name; but make no mistake Billy: Given the chance, this virus will eat you and your entire family."
Hackosaur's research was funded by the good folks at The Marinara Panda, a brand new Chinese-Italian fusion restaurant in Los Angeles that won the first-ever Michelin 40,000-star rating.
"Hacksaw told me he had to skip bowling because Hackawife was feeling ill due to El Pneumoniadente," said MP's founder, captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "I was torn up - I don't like bowling without the avid fisherman. The news was wrecking my home life - I only made sweet love to my wife six times today. My poor boo. But she looked me in the eye and said "Baby, if there's anyone who can make a difference, it's the sexy husband of Alexandria Daddario-Tabon, the chick who just got naked on True Detective last night."
Doctors are so confident in the effectiveness of Hackcidil that they have already booked Hackawife to compete in next week's annual Hacksaw Triathalon, historically known as the world's most challenging athletic event. Contestants must complete a 2 mile ocean swim, a 100 mile bike ride, a marathon, and then eat 56 hot dogs in under 4 minutes.
"Hackcidil not only cures pneumonia, it also creates a super-human, if you will," Rear Admiral Lushniak continued. "Once her body is rid of the virus, Hackawife will continue to grow in power to the point that she will be a threat to all nations on earth. One of the main side effects is a complete lack of patience. Say for example, you came home in April and said to your wife, Honey we are now officially 3 years since our last bowling championship. And let's say, for argument's sake, that your wife was now a superhuman who was hopped up on a combination of cayenne, egg whites, and soconium. The phrase "epic beatdown" gets thrown around a lot these days ... my diagnosis is that you should just win a championship."
According to sources, BDS weak link Dynamite "Chris" Parish wrapped up recording this week of his new smooth jazz album, a 14 song set of soothing, sexy sounds entitled "Don't Kill Me Pussycat." The album's intended use is for emergency situations where your soconium-riddled superwife is coming at you with the power of a thousand Hacksaw-owned suns because you threw a 204 in the last game but were still swept by that lying shitbag Ryan Gallagher.
"There's not gonna be a big market for this record," said Dynamite. "But it's about the art, and saving my teammate from future beatdowns."
In other news, United States traitor Lisa "Deep Throat" Morgan held a protest outside Hackosaur's lab today after learning from the internet that a dinosaur, made from ancient DNA and guile, was playing God by making a new drug based on cayenne and egg whites.
And finally this week, TV's Carly Chaikin will be subbing for Hackosaur tomorrow night, with all proceeds going to her new charity, the Friends of Hacksaw Foundation.
"I was like, really moved," said Chaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family. "I mean like, every year, like, countless husbands get their asses kicked by like, I mean, like El Pneumoniadente survivors. It's like a real problem, and I was like, what can I do to help, you know. Anyway."
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Hacksaw To Announce Polar Vortex Decision
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| Bambi Tabon enjoys the HAPPY |
The strong vortex, named HAPPY (HAcksaw Polar Precipitation Y-vent) began Sunday when Hacksaw reduced power from the sun by 50%.
At a news conference Saturday evening, Hacksaw discussed his reasoning with a media throng that frankly had been taking sunlight for granted.
"It's the dawn of a new bowling season, and I want to be in a situation where I'm not sitting in the warm sunshine losing focus," said Hacksaw. "I want to keep my wits about me, not drinking Mai Tais on the beach. Unfortunately, Hackosaur has yet to complete his new mechanism that helps us control exactly which parts of the earth will feel the impact of the reduced power, and thus there's a good chance that California will be as warm as it always is, and the historic cold will only affect parts of the US I don't give a shit about."
Critics of the plan are accusing Hacksaw of trying to punish US citizens for cheating on their sun taxes, while others theorize that he's been too busy with his new role on the FX series "Justified" to have fully vetted this idea with Hackosaur and his team of researchers.
"Justified" season 5 debuted last night to record ratings, as viewers tuned in to get a first look at a guile-y new character named Hack Longinthepants, played by TV's John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman. Longinthepants is a loose canon detective, and it remains to be seen if the rest of Harlan County will grow tired of his renegade ways. Longinthepants is teamed with his veteran partner Hackosaur Givens, a throwback to the Prohibition-era dinosaurs popularized by the golden age of Hollywood and a distant cousin of Raylon Givens. Hackosaur is one day away from retirement, but agrees to go on one last mission with Longinthepants aboard their fishing boat, the coincidentally-named "Live Forever."
"Hack Longinthepants is a character I was born to play," said Hacksaw. "He plays by his own rules, nobody elses, not even his own."
Meteorologist Jim Cantore said that while he's been thrilled with the performance of HAPPY so far this week, inside sources tell him that Hacksaw's decision to end HAPPY and save the world will likely come down to whether or not he makes a pizza pie tonight.
In other news, BDS hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons returned safely from his pilgrimage to Belize, known throughout the world as the spiritual center of the bowling community. ESPNBDS reported in early December that the team feared Powderkeg had lost his love of bowling, and thus the team put him aboard Johnnie Skymaster, and in early December + 3 seconds Powderkeg arrived in Belize to find his inner bowler.
And finally this week, the stars came out to get the first look at Hollywood's newest restaurant, The Marinara Panda, an Italian-Chinese fusion restaurant recently opened by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and his boo, Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence-Tabon. Fans of Italian-Chinese fusion dined on Marinara Panda specialties like Truffle Tso's Chicken, Kung Pow Parmesan, and Hot and Sour Gnocci. The most popular dish, Basil-Wrapped Dump Gulper Shark, is a medley of olive-oil sauteed basil wrapped around pieces of Dump Gulper Shark, the world's rarest, most endangered, and tastiest shark. Diners can expect to pay upwards of $40,000 just for asking if it's one of today's specials.
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