Report: Mayans Predicted 2012 BDS Championship

Bogotá, Colombia,

Researchers at the University of Bogotá have uncovered an ancient Mayan document that predicts a championship for "a bold and handsome group of champions named Pwdrkg, Shtby, Dynmte, Hcksw."

While many modern scholars have discussed an alleged Mayan prediction that the world will end in 2012, Colombian scientists have repeatedly refuted those claims, citing an erroneous semicolon in the Mayan writings that once removed, changes the predictions entirely.

Using advanced carbon-14 dating and analyzing the bone structure of bodies found in Mayan tombs, the University of Bogotá was able to determine that the Mayan hand was physically unable to produce a semicolon, and instead theorize that the symbol used was some sort of ancient Mayan 'emoticon'.

"Hola, como estás," said Professor Juan Carlos De Las Calcetines of the University of Bogotá. "We have new evidence that shows the Mayans predicted a bowling championship of historic proportions in the year 2012 AD. Entonces, if you read their writings without inferring a semi-colon, the Mayans are not predicting the end of the world. Rather, they are predicting the end of the reign of the one they call 'El Diablo del Presidente'. Obviously, it makes a lot more sense that a spiritual people such as the Mayans would predict something of this nature. Graciás."

According to the study, this handsome bowling team would be led on a journey of championshipness by a mythical creature they called Hackosaur. Legend has it that the Mayans discovered prehistoric artifacts in the limestone of Usumacinta of an other-wordly being, one of "great guile and aeronautical ability", though at the time the Mayans had not the technology to know what the aero part of that word meant. One day far into the future, after many suns, the Mayans predicted that an avid fisherman would possess the guile and financial resources to resurrect the mythical Hackosaur and harness his guile and real estate acumen to finally defeat the ferocious and unjust El Diablo Del Presidente.

"The Mayans were very accurate in their predictions," continued Professor De Las Calcetines. "They said that the cost of bringing Hackosaur back to life would be more than three cows."

The writings continued to say that this Diablo could be found on an island called Kooba, located somewhere southwest of Mee-a-mee, an ancient city which the Mayans theorized would be the birthplace of cock-a-roaches and shirts of low quality. El Diablo would finally be conquered when one of the handsome bowlers entered what the Mayans called "La Zona De Construccion" - the same method used by the ancient peoples to build their ancient buildings. Once the conqueration was complete, the mythical Hackosaur would call to the heavens using the standard Mayan expression of success: HAYO.

El Presidente Taps Vanilli to Head Anti-Corruption Task Force

El Habana, Cuba - In an effort to fight allegations that his bowling league has reached the tipping point of corruption, TNT despot El Presidente has hired the one who isn't dead from Milli Vanilli to head a global task force aimed at fighting nefariousness.

According to inside sources, TNT was thrown into disarray last week when league rules were changed on the fly to allow anyone to bowl on any team whenever they felt like showing up, and furthermore could just go back and re-write scores and hold up any current game for thirty minutes.

"It was unbelievable," said a handsome anonymous source from his office on the sun, which he owns along with his trusted advisor, a dinosaur. "I mean halfway through our game, this guy just shows up and it's like 'Hey OK he's subbing now, and also we have to stop everything so he can fix the scores.' We went to El Presidente for a ruling, and he went on the record saying he had absolutely no problem with it, and this type of thing happens in Cuba all the time."

The anonymous source, an avid fisherman, continued that "ever since BDS captain my captain Clint 'Shot Boy' Tabon was forced out as Vice Presidente, the system of checks and balances has failed. It's almost like El Presidente was waiting for this moment to kick things up a notch."

At his press conference today, El Presidente announced that he was serious about fighting allegations of corruption.

"It has come to my attention that my empire is under attack, and something has to be done. My people are losing faith in my top-secret, proprietary scoring system - and with that, I'd like to announce the hiring of Vanilli, the last surviving member of Grammy-winning duo Milli Vanilli. I needed to make a strong statement that TNT is about fairness and integrity, and if there's a better way to show it than hiring a Grammy-winning artist, I haven't heard it."

According to Bayshore Lanes, Vanilli will be given full reign of supervision, working closely with current Head of Security Pablo Lyons as they effort to sniff out corruption and illegality. As per his MO, Vanilli will meet with El Presidente in closed quarters at the culmination of each league week to adjust scores based on the Corruption Ratio - a mathematical scoring system so fair and just that it need not be explained to any of the league members. In response to El Presidente's announcement, the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, released a statement:

"We applaud the all-knowing El Presidente for having the strength to take a stand in the face of corruption while the rest of TNT sits back and allows the integrity of the league to crumble. What better way to show a dedication to non-nefariousness than by hiring 20-time Cuban Grammy-winning artist, and winner of the Cuban Nobel Prize for Honesty, Vanilli. El Presidente will have the last laugh when his efforts to fight corruption in TNT will succeed in the face of full-on cheating support from league members."

In other news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish got his comeuppance this past weekend when he recklessly parked in a legal parking spot on the street for the third time in six months, and awoke to find his entire car covered in grease, rendering it undriveable.

According to the Los Angeles Times, citizens of Hermosa Beach have praised the vigilantes for finally taking a stand against a neighborhood terror for abusing the free and completely legal parking spots under the flimsy excuse that it's fucking legal to park there. Hermosa Police are worried that Dynamite may have reached the breaking point and take matters into his own hands, despite their swift responses over the last 12 months of doing absolutely nothing about this.

"He's got a six month old daughter," said an inside police source. "So yes - the car was undriveable. But if something had happened to his daughter and he needed to get to a hospital quickly, we've got a superb public transportation system in Hermosa Beach. An extra 20 minutes is not going to make much of a difference in a life-or-death situation. You can't just go through life parking legally, especially on a street that has ample street parking 100% of the time."

According to sources, Dynamite is in talks with BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon to help him catch these heroes. Shot Boy would allegedly be stationed on a remote mountain top in Nepal, where he can casually glance at Hermosa Beach during the pitch black night to catch the person doing this.

Hackosaur Named 2012 Sportsman of the Year

Santa Monica, CA -

In what has been a super-crazy busy slow news week, Sports Illustrated magazine announced today that Back Door Santa coach Hackosaur was their 2012 Sportsman of the Year.

After quitting in September 2011 due to what he perceived as a "lack of heart" from BDS, Hackosaur triumphantly returned for the 2012 TNT Winter season and led Back Door Santa to the most historic non-Cuban ass kicking in bowling history.

"He earned every bit of this award," said former BDS arch-enemy and current low-paid Sports Illustrated intern Ravi McLiarstein. "The team was in a bad place last year, and for the first time the rampant cheating and advanced corruption of El Presidente was starting to wear on them. Hackosaur felt like he needed a break and took some time to focus on helping Hacksaw purchase Christmas."

Bowling analysts were quick to applaud the award, as Hackosaur is perceived to be the primary reason the handsome fellows in BDS were able to overcome adversity to blaze through the plebian TNT schedule. Bowling Prospectus noted that the overall team GARP (guile over replacement player) for Back Door Santa went up an astonishing 8 billion percent.

The state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, released a statement after receiving word of Hackosaur's achievement:

"We congratulate Hackosaur and the entire Back Door Santa team for their second-place finish in the 2012 season, as they came closer than ever before to catching El Presidente and his noble team of winners. By finishing a mere 60 points behind El Presidente, it is the highest non-El Presidente finish in TNT history. We here at Corruption Enthusiast also applaud the good sportsmanship of Back Door Santa for realizing that the final numbers at the end of this season will be under review of course, as the winner can truly only be determined once El Presidente asserts his special math, a math that is full of fairness and can only be understood and comprehended by the likes of El Presidente, the most fair and righteous of all bowling el presidentes. To reiterate, we congratulate El Presidente and this most honorable of announcements from Sports Illustrated magazine."