Report: Last Night's Victory Was Predicted 400 years ago

Santa Monica, CA-

Chong tends to his brick oven in this undated photo

Last night, Back Door Santa captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon delivered a tasty Italian pizza pie to help defeat a bunch of fucking assholes.

This morning, CNN is reporting that The Captain's performance was actually predicted 400 years ago by his ancestor, Somerville businessman Chong Tabonese.

According to reports, Tabonese left a diary of his predictions buried under one of the oak bowling lanes that used to comprise Beacon Street in Somerville. The diary was discovered last night during the predictable riots in Boston, where the locals took to the streets to celebrate their first World Series championship in 5 years by destroying private property and ruining the lives of those around them.

The diary, obtained by CNN's Anderson Cooper, has been deemed authentic by Harvard University as the prose matches that of other published works left behind by our nation's first and only Asian-Italian.

"This is without question the writing of Chong Tabonese," said Cooper. "He-a clearly predicts a pizza pie delivery from one of his future grandkids that will help defeat a team of dickheads."

CNN has published select excerpts from the diary:

30th October of the Year Sixteen hundred and 20:

"Hey, oh, why you no finish you egg roll, capice? It's Chong Tabonese here, I mean c'mon hey, I'm-a writing in my diary hee-ya. It's been a good day, you talkin' to me? Threw some balls on the lanes with this new guy, Nicholas Gunpowder, hey yo, he's-a fromma da Keg family. We had a little ah, how you say, chow mein eh? He's got a lotta kids, a lotta kids from that one.

And then this otha guy, Hans Hack, always with the dinosaur. 'I predict a dinosaur', always with his inventions. So I says to him "Hey I'm-a gonna hackpad you across the back side, you get me? Hey-o" anyway he's a good guy and his wife D'Gonny's a little piece of ah, how you say, panda express.

So anyways I'm there with the guys you know, and I'm like Hey yo, I have a feeling, I gotta feeling that someone descended from my Asian-Italian loins, he's-a gonna have a big day, he's-a gonna be making the pizza pies, you know? He's-a gonna be out there and there's-a gonna be danger, and it's-a gonna be in the form of a bunch of guys who are, how you say, fucking dicks. But my boy, he's a gonna rowah the boat, and he's a gonna make the pizza pie, and these dicks is gonna cry. Anyway that's a my prediction."

Earth Celebrates World Hack Day

Earth -

Nations across the world gathered today to celebrate the only holiday celebrated by all 196 countries on earth, World Hack Day.

Financial markets in Japan, Europe, and the United States opened at record highs as investors threw down their cash to honor John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline as well as the most successful small investor in world history. Tourists flocked to exotic locales owned by Hacksaw, including Spain, Mars, and 7 of the 13 counties in Portugal.

They day is a celebration of the birth of John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline, and an avid fisherman. The Hacksaw family began in 1620, when Hans Giovanni Hack emigrated to Jamestown, VA from either the Netherlands, Italy, or Germany. Finding that the New World in Virginia was disturbingly devoid of good looking women in which he might plant his powerful seed, Hack sailed up the coast of the Americas until he spotted several hotties hanging out on the shores of Boston Harbor.

Quickly after settling in New England, Hans met a comely lass of virtue true, D'Gonny Marie Phoodmastre. The Phoodmastre family had left England under duress after beating the Royal Family in the Ye Olde Bowling Tournament of 1619. King James IV (of the Stuart family) was unable to convert a 7-10 split in the championship game, and immediately accused his opponent, the sterling and handsome Cirque Du Somèr Phoodmastre (possibly of France) of witchcraft.

Hans and D'Gonny were soon married, and built a home on a development they named Somerville, after D'Gonny's father. They started the family fortune with a series of markets called D'Gonny's Phoodmastre, which they then sold to local conglomerate ConAgra Jones, whose company would own the markets until they were purchased by Hacksaw in 2011.

It is in Somerville where Hans Hacksaw began developing the science needed to ensure that his family would become the most successful bowling bloodline in the history of the world. Hans purchased nearby Beacon Street, tore up the cobblestone, and installed 14 bowling lanes built to his exact specifications. As he had yet to invent mahogany, these early lanes were built using local birch trees and cheap Native American labor. Locals would gather at the nearby pub, The Thirsty Hans, and place bets on how many consecutive 300 games Hans could bowl before they all got smallpox.

He also designed the first Hackpad prototype, an 8 inch by 12 inch piece of granite on which you could write calculations with chalk. Not wanting this technology to get into the wrong hands, he buried the prototype in the backyard so it could be discovered 400 years later by his great-great-great-great-great-great grandsaur, Hackosaur, and be used to design the current Hackpads we know and love today.

Hans and D'Gonny formed their first bowling team, Backdoor Father Christmas (BDFC), with a handsome guile-y neighbor, Nicholas Gunpowder, descendent of the Kegg family and father of 64% of the children in New England. Gunpowder recruited local businessowner Chong Tabonese, the only Asian Italian to have ever existed. Tabonese had made millions in Italy by providing secondary plans to city officials. If Plan A didn't work, they would then ask Tabonese to help them get to Plan B.

According to legend, D'Gonny's time on the team was cut short when she was injured by a 2x4 thrown in celebration after a strike (not in the face though). Not wanting to risk further calamity, she was replaced by shady fencing salesman TNT Chris Parish, who owned a building company called Weak Link Discount Fences. Parish was beloved by fathers in Somerville, for they knew that if he was courting their daughters, there was no risk that they could get knocked up in any reasonable timeframe.

Anyway that's the history of the Hacksaw family, eat your fucking hashbrowns.

Barbara Palvin-Lyons Files For Divorce

Powderkeg and Palvin-Lyons during happier times

Santa Monica, CA -

It's not a very happy 20th birthday for Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin-Lyons, as the beauty announced that she was filing for divorce from her husband of four weeks, Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

"Is is with deep regret that I have decided to end my marriage to the most consistent man I've ever know, Powderkeg," Palvin-Lyons said in a written statement. "Where I come from, Germany or whatever, Wednesday nights are a sacred time to be with family and to do it. I understand that my beloved Powderkeg is a selfless man and long before me dedicated his life to bowling, and I love him so much that I can no longer stand in his way. It's laughable to think that this brave hero used to only bowl 3 games a night. But after 5 games every Wednesday, he's too fatigued to bowl one game of love with me."

According to the Associated Press, the pair began a whirlwind romance after meeting through the popular dating app TindHack, where users can peruse photos of Back Door Santa and send anonymous 'flirts'. The app comes standard on the Hackpad, and uses a powerful soconium-powered processor that allows the members of Back Door Santa to quickly filter the trillions of flirts received in a manner of nanoseconds.

TindHack was developed in August 2013 by Hacksaw Inc, and quickly sold to Zynga for $918 trillion dollars. The app had come under fire from media outlets because out of the trillions of flirts sent to BDS each day, 50% of them were from one woman who was concurrently planning her large-scale wedding to a 50 year old, knowing the whole time that it's kind of a really shitty thing to do to a person, even if he is old.

"Love is blind," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "Love knows no boundaries, especially the boundary of not looking for a better option up until literally two weeks before your wedding. Hey I'm sure it's gonna work out though, that's a good foundation."

In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled his latest investment this week, HO2, a $578 quadrillion dollar oxygen bar designed to fight bowling fatigue. According to documents obtained by CNN, the team was entrenched aboard Lil Soco discussing ways to fight the fatigue that comes from bowling 5 games a night when Shot Boy casually glanced 14 degrees southwest of the moon and discovered a pocket of oxygen so pure and flammable that even a light brain synapse within 200 miles would create an explosion so powerful that the Milky Way would vanish within seconds.

Oxygen from this pocket in the atmosphere is delivered to HO2 daily so that members of BDS can take a little pick me up after the 5th frame of the 3rd game, the official "half way point" on Wednesday nights.

And finally this week, notorious BDS bachelor Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon stepped out with his new wife, Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin-Lyons-Tabon, at an event honoring bowling captains who date recently divorced supermodels.