Hacksaw Purchases Christmas

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, in attempt to help boost the flailing holiday shopping season, announced today that he had reached a $593 trillion deal to purchase Christmas from the Vatican.

According to sources with inside knowledge, the deal was finalized when Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, agreed to take on the expiring contracts of Administrative Professionals Day and Cinco De Mayo, as well as throwing in three of the six Portuguese counties owned by Hacksaw, which will now be controlled by the Pope.

"I'm pleased to announce that Christmas has joined Hacksaw enterprises," said Hacksaw. "It is my hope that with new leadership, Christmas can once again become a holiday of celebration, instead of stress and exorbitant travel costs."

"I've been working on this deal for a long time," Hacksaw continued. "I realized during Hacktoberfest that we were celebrating a holiday - but I had yet to own a holiday. I sent my trusted advisor Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on nativity financial assessment, to the Vatican to gauge interest. We were surprised to find out that we were the only bidder."

After hearing the announcement, the ever-charitable Bob Geldof commissioned Sting, Bruce Springsteen, and Bono to sing his newest holiday song, "Do They Know It's Hackmas". Proceeds from the sale will go towards needy families in three Portuguese counties who were tragically removed from the Hacksaw empire this week.

Hacksaw had no comment when asked about the status of Santa Claus, the long-tenured senior vice president of Christmas who many believe has lost touch with customers. CNN reported this morning that Claus will be let go as part of the deal, ushered out in favor of Hacksaw's hand-picked replacement, Santasaur.

CNN released grainy footage from the Great Salt Flats of Santasaur testing was is reported to be an upgraded sleigh. The new ride, the Holiday Aircraft of Yuletide Observance (or HAYO), is 700 feet long and controlled by a 69 billion oxpower Soconium engine capable of delivering presents to all of the world's good little bowlers in seven minutes.

In an effort to increase delivery efficiency, Santasaur will be joined by co-pilot Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, who will be tasked with casually viewing the optimal delivery trajectory for every home on earth from 40,000 feet. This will cease the necessity for HAYO to have to land on the roof of a home, as most houses are not equipped with the 243-mile long rooftop runways necessary for HAYO to come to a complete stop.

Bowling alleys across the land are reporting record pre-Christmas attendance, as avid bowlers are rushing to complete a 300 game in time to garner a visit from Santasaur. Children who have been bad this year, as well as anyone whose highest posted score is 299 or less, will instead receive coal in their stocking. The coal will be delivered by the Grinch, aka Scotty Short Pants.

Hackosaur Investigates TNT Money Fraud

Santa Monica, CA

Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on fraudulent bowling financial transactions, has launched an investigation into the whereabouts of a missing $10 from one of TNT's bowlers.

Last week, the unidentified bowler, identified as "Bill S", initiated the investigation by having his lawyers draft a grammatically-superior email and then hitting "reply all" to another email that had absolutely nothing to do with this. The savvy move attracted the attention of the entire league who had been reading about league cancellations but were ultimately more interested in knowing where the hell this $10 was.

"I hope Hackosaur can get to the bottom of this," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "I think the money was stolen, or possibly is still there, or is maybe owed - it was tough for a non-phD such as myself to sort through the legalese of the email. The point is, there's a big difference of your total league fee contribution being -$400 or -$390, and this could happen to anyone."

The case has garnered league-wide support for the precocious Bill S, a well-loved league member who entertains all with his popular "Grab the Hacksaw even though I fucking told you to keep your god damn thieving hands off of it" move each league week, forgetting that he did it ever week prior.

"I love that move," said TNT ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris. "A lot of times I joke around and say 'I'm not kidding, get the fuck away from me' and people think I'm serious. It takes a real student of comedy to understand that I'm joking and I love nothing more than when people ignore my requests and get their fucking stink all over my shit. Most people are too busy contributing to society to understand my sense of humor."

In other BDS news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, has backed up his words by donating $17 billion dollars to Hackosaur's investigation of the missing $10.

"That's two bottles of Early Time whiskey," said BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons. "It doesn't take much guile to figure out that we need to get to the bottom of this. Although if it did take a lot of guile, I could still figure it out because of my excessive guilification."

Silent Night, HAYO Night: Hacksaw Purchases Spain

Santa Monica, CA -

On the eve of Hacktoberfest, Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he had finalized a deal to purchase Spain, thus allowing the good citizens there to celebrate Hacktoberfest this Saturday.

"Loyal citizens of the Hacksaw nation," said Hacksaw at the news conference aboard Lil' Soco. "From the fertile shores of southern Finland, from 6 of the 31 counties in Portugal, from the ports of HAYO in Cuba to the shores of Lake Guile on the sun - let's welcome our new brethren from Spain. Let them celebrate this Saturday during Hacktoberfest as they begin a new life of championshipness and calibration."

Hacksaw's voice was almost impossible to hear during the news conference, as the crowd of 49 billion chanted "VIVA HACKSAW! VIVA HACKSAW" and rejoiced. According to sources, Hacksaw reached a deal at the 11th hour to purchase Spain by trading Saturn to the former government of Spain. Once the papers were signed, he commissioned Hackosaur to fly to the sun and shut down directional sunlight to Saturn, thus devaluing the ringed planet to the point where the former leaders of Spain were looking to sell it off as quickly as possible.

"I heard that Saturn was back on the market," said Hacksaw. "I knew that it had dropped significantly in value, so I thought maybe we could work a deal. The former leaders of Spain were strapped for cash, so I sent Hackosaur over there to look into a possible purchase. We were surprised to find out that we were the only bidder."

Once the news conference during which Hacksaw announced the purchase of Spain was over, he held another news conference to announce his latest acquisition, Saturn.

"Loyal citizens of the Hacksaw nation," said Hacksaw at the second news conference aboard Lil' Soco. "From the fertile shores of southern Finland, from 6 of the 31 counties in Portugal, from the ports of HAYO in Cuba to the shores of Lake Guile on the sun, from the sunkissed fields of Spain - let's re-welcome our new brethren from Saturn. Let them celebrate this Saturday during Hacktoberfest as they begin a familiar life of championshipness and calibration. Let's help their economy recover from the 19 minutes they were briefly not part of the Hacksaw nation."

According to CNBC, stocks plummeted 6,000% in countries not owned by Hacksaw once the news of his purchase of Spain was released.

In other news, celebrations have been planned across the globe beginning Friday night, Hacktoberfest Eve. BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish will commence the traditional icing of the keg in the holy utility bucket, a tradition that dates back to 1066, when Ye William Hacksaw The Conqueror arrived on the shores of southern England during the Norman invasion and tapped a keg before plundering Britain and taking it as his own. According to historians, the Anglo-Saxon inhabitants of Britain were quick to lay down their swords for a chance to taste the concoction, a combination of mead, local barleys, and guile.

In even more news, NBC announced that it expected an estimated 7 billion people across the globe will be watching their telecast Saturday of Hacktoberfest, making it the highest rated broadcast in history. The telecast begins at 8am PST, and NBC is reportedly charging $40 billion for 30 seconds of commercial airtime.

NBC also announced that its Hacktoberfest broadcast will be shown in every country except Cuba, where the El Presidente Network will instead show Heidi. The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, released a statement.

"The citizens of Cuba have spoken, and our benevolent leader El Presidente has awarded them by deciding to pre-empt Hacktoberfest coverage with a viewing of Heidi. Hacktoberfest celebrates the cruel persecution of barley and the fair citizens of Cuba do not support corruption and harvest. However, El Presidente does congratulate Hacksaw for almost setting the record for most strikes in a row on a Tuesday, coming close to El Presidente's record of 46."

In other BDS news, our handsome champions have been sequestered at Haüksaüw this week witnessing the final brewing process of BDS Hacktoberfest Ale. According to inside sources, at the 11th hour Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, determined that the flavor of the ale was roughly 1/45,000,000th of a percent off. Luckily for our heroes, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon casually glanced out the window and noticed 2 ounces of a rare form of nutmeg growing in the mountains of southern Finland, which was immediately added to the mixture. The dash of spice reportedly made the Hacktoberfest ale 6 billion percent tastier.

And finally this week, Bayshore Lanes announced that it planned to celebrate Dynamite's birthday tonight by limiting ball return delays to under 17 minutes per frame to help speed up the celebration. A Bayshore spokesperson, NotTodd McJones, said "Holy shit Hacktoberfest is in two days."

Lack of Blog Bad Luck

Hermosa Beach, CA

Despite an inability to corral the latest news updates due to a business trip this week, the Associated Press is reporting that this post right here counts as a full blog post, because a lack of blog post is bad luck.

The AP is also reporting that an "epic" post is on its way this weekend but that its team of reporters is in San Diego without internet access, and 3G wireless coverage is "less than adequate" due to "corruption."

#OccupadoHacksaw Cripples Spain

Madrid, Espana -

The Spanish government has been scrambling this week to prevent a complete economic collapse as its entire worker base flooded the streets of Madrid for a protest known as #OccupadoHacksaw.

According to the Associated Press, the citizens of Spain have reached their limit with the bumbling government, and vow to protest until their country is purchased by BDS team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, noted philanthropist, multi-quadrillionaire, and majority owner of Europe.

"Nosotros no les gustan los leaders de Espana!", chanted the protestors. "Queremos El Guapo Hacksaw y su dinosaur de DNA viejo y guile, Hackosaur!"

The protestors have been unanimous in their belief that Spain should have been part of the recent deal wherein Hacksaw shrewdly sold Mars to Europe for parts of Finland, both Irelands, and 6 of the 31 counties in Portugal. Support in the current government has waned even further the last two weeks, as the Spanish citizens have been glued to their television sets watching Hacksaw's recent TNT-wide tear on ESPN Deportes.

Sources told CNN that in light of the recent events, Hacksaw commissioned his consigliere Hackosaur to fly to Spain aboard Johnnie Skymaster to begin scoping out a possible purchase plan. During the 3 minute flight, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on trans-atlantic calculations, drew up the contracts of 14,385 unique deals to be presented to the current Spanish government in hopes that one of them might spark their interest.

"I've always admired the Spanish people for their culture as well as the fine rosewood used in most Hispanic bowling lanes," said Hacksaw to CNN. "Unlike those dirty hippies protesting Wall Street, I sympathize with the Spanish citizens, who just want more. I know their pain, for I alone am the sole man on earth who will never delight in being purchased by myself."

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, has reportedly been holed up at Haüksaüw preparing for November 5th's Hacktoberfest, but found time to meet with his legal counsel, First Captain Kevin Meister, to peruse Hacksaw's vast portfolio of assets in order to determine what he might sell off in order to raise the funds to purchase Spain. Meister released a statement to the AP addressing the issue.

"Now I'm not a big-city lawyer," said Meister. "But it seeems to meeee ... we can go this way or that way. Up or down. Left or center. But when the people of the great nation of Spain - a country rich in the tradition of loving the sun - are looking for a strong and skilled leader, and you already own the sun, then by gosh you might want to take a look."

Analysts at Goldman Sachs told CNBC that Hacksaw could potentially finance the purchase of Spain by selling off Saturn, a property of which Hacksaw has long found tiresome. While it was a fine novelty purchase, it lacks the resources of most of Hacksaw's properties, not to mention the impractical 19 minute round trip travel time spend aboard Johnnie Skymaster in order to get to Saturn. Goldman Sachs hinted that Hacksaw could pull a shrewd move by selling Saturn to Spain at a profit, and then shutting off all sunlight directed to Saturn by the sun, thus rendering Saturn of little value to anyone. Thusly, Hacksaw could then re-purchase Saturn from the former leaders of Spain at well below market cost.

Report: Powderkeg Too Handsome

Santa Monica, CA -

A study released this week by the Hackosaur Attractiveness Institute in Oslo, Norway (HAI-O) suggests that the recent struggles of our heroes Back Door Santa may be due to team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons' excessive levels of handsomeness.

According to the report, HAI-O compiled data over the course of the last ten months and noticed an alarming disintegration of performance that directly coincided with the continually increasing handsomeness of Powderkeg. In theory, since most experts have theorized that Powderkeg's handsomeness is unlikely to decrease its increasation, the remaining members of Back Door Santa will be forced to continually accelerate the levels of pin annihilation in order to offset the trend.

"As handsomeness goes up, so does the level of handsome pheromone released into the atmosphere. This pheromone thusly creates a level of female frenzy that will reach a tipping point; women will cease welcomed advances and standard conversation and will, in fits of uncontrollable desire, skip immediately to crass come ons and literally throwing themselves at the subject. This scenario makes it virtually impossible to excel on the bowling field as it results in mass physical chaos," read the study.

"In a stable atomic environment," the report continued, "neutrons, protons, and electrons reside in balance. For example, the handsome molecule, Pk1Wm16, has existed in this state for centuries. The number of electrons surrounding Powderkeg is increasing at a constant rate, however the level of female protons increases at a rate that exceeds this, and thusly you create a dangerous instability. In our opinion, we are not too far from seeing something along the lines of Pk16Wm409000 - that's Armageddon country."

The study pinpointed an example to prove their theory; the best performance of the season thus far was last week, when Back Door Santa bowled lanes 23 & 24, the furthest lanes from the female bowling population.

"In this scenario," the report stated, "there exists a temporary barrier which blocks a female's ability to pick up the handsome pheromone. We call this barrier the Ravi, named after the Greco-Indian God of Female Interest Blocking."

In other BDS news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris was reported to have placed a $40 billion dollar bet on his own team last week to win 3 out of four games, based on advice from his bookie Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on bowling odds. He then used those earnings to purchase the Golden Road Brewing Company in Atwater Village, which had been slandering Haüksaüw by hilariously billing itself as the city's largest craft beer brewery. Once the purchase was complete, Hacksaw hired the Hackosaur Demolition Society, a non-profit group that prides itself on leveling establishments prone to nonsense, and bulldozed the property to prepare for construction of the world's first solid gold Johnnie Foodmaster.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, then flew with his dinosaur Hackosaur aboard his 300-foot private jet, Johnnie Skymaster, in four seconds to New York City for a sit down interview with Regis & Kelly.

Reege: Hacksaw, you're SO CRAZY. You make this PURCHSE and then you just BULLDOZED IT.

Hacksaw: I couldn't stand for it Regis. I need to protect the Haüksaüw brand. These jokers are making proclamations and the point is, if I can own the sun, I can own your little brewery.

Kelly: Well I guess you could say that you let this business deal "ferment". Waka waka!!

Hacksaw: Good one Kelly! But anyway the point is, I won $40 billion dollars by betting on my own team and then used that money to put a competitor out of business.

Reege: So tell me about this SOLID GOLD JOHNNIE FOODMASTER. What's going ON?

Hacksaw: For far too long, Reege, I've heard my customers complain that they didn't have a local grocery that was made of solid gold. They felt like chumps. I sat down with my development team and said Hey listen - what can we do here.

Reege: Do you think you'll ever reach a point in your life where you stop selflessly giving back to the community, Hacksaw? I mean you're a godsend. A GODSEND.

Dr. Hurricane recalibrates; Shot Boy casually discovers Lost City of Atlantis

Santa Monica, CA -

In an article published in this month's New England Journal of Medicine, famed pHd of Accuracy Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5 admitted that he potentially "forgot to carry the 1" when determining the true c:ALIBRATE lineup for Back Door Santa.

"Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks -I have spent the last month in the lab with my mentor, Dr. Hackosaur, trying to determine how manually calculating 7 billion variables could have resulted in actually making Back Door Santa worse. To my astonishment, Dr. Hackosaur noticed that I had written a note on the OUTSIDE of my calculation arm, reminding me to carry the 1 in my calculation. As a result, I missed it, and therefore may have accidentally DE-calibrated their lineup, resulting in adverse performance," said Dr. Hurricane in his article.

Dr. Hurricane goes on to explain that while his simple mistake may have resulted in the worst performance in BDS history, it actually increased the Beer Frame Clutch Ratio of their current cleanup bowler, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish.

"In a vacuum, one must be impressed with the BFCR of Dynamite," Dr. Hurricane continued. "HOWEVAH, much like ARod hitting solo home runs during a blowout, this may be due to the fact that normally by the second frame, due to the horrific performance of BDS this season, the game is out of reach and there's no pressure. Let's not forget that when it truly mattered this week and BDS needed a strike from Dynamite in the tenth frame to win, he got a Guyot-esque 7."

When asked if BDS' sub-par performance this season should be attributed to his miscalculation and should not in any way reflect on the bowling skills of Back Door Santa, Dr. Hurricane replied "Absolutely."

In other news, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was flying Johnnie Skymaster over the Atlantic Ocean last week, when at 40,000 feet and a speed of 6 billion aero-knots, he casually looked down 40 miles deep into the Pacific Ocean and noticed the Lost City of Atlantis.

"I was traveling over the ocean trying to find a secluded spot for BDS to have our next retreat, when I remembered that in 360 BC, Greek philosopher Plato mentioned that Atlantis was a naval power situated in front of the pillars of Hercules. Thus, I kept an eye out and glanced over my shoulder for a brief look to the ocean floor; I was like 'Hey that's Atlantis'," Shot Boy said at the press conference.

Upon returning Johnnie Skymaster to HAYO off the coast of Cuba, Shot Boy discussed his discovery with BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, the world's foremost investor in sunken Greek mythology. Coincidentally, Hacksaw had been recently investigating his next purchase, so he called up his real estate agent Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on underwater real estate.

"I got on the horn with Hackosaur, and had some money floating around from my trade of Saturn to Europe," says Hacksaw. "Atlantis intrigued me because to date, all of my international ports have been above water. He started digging into it, and we were surprised to find out that we were the only bidder."

When asked how he was able to casually discover Atlantis when for centuries mankind has been unable to even determine its existence, Shot Boy explained that "he just loves to bowl" and that "you have to want it." He also mentioned that he had just finished the autobiography of Greek philosopher Crantor, student of Xenocrates, entitled "The Fig Leaf and Me: My Life and Times."

"Crantor's teachings have been very influential in my life," said Shot Boy. "He died of dropsy, which has always been one of my biggest fears, whatever that is. Anyway the point is that I discovered Atlantis this week and then Hacksaw bought it."

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, revealed that he plans to turn Atlantis into an "underwater bowling training facility and theme park" with long-term plans to house Mars there.

"I feel like if I can learn the nuances of lanes that are 40 miles below sea level, I've got a better chance of excelling at BayShore Lanes," he said.

In other BDS news, based on the news of potential non-1 carrying by Dr. Hurricane, the handsome lads announced that they'll be returning to their previous championshippy lineup this week in lieu of sucking with the old one.

"I'm disappointed that I'll no longer be the closer," said team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish. "However, I won't be disappointed in not sucking. I'm only 5 points behind Shot Boy handicap-wise, which I think we can all agree is fucking ridiculous. I can't even remember which foot I start with half the time. I've been bowling for 25 years, and I have two feet. That's not a lot of numbers to remember, yet here we are."

And finally this week, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons returned from Geneva where he was awarded the 2011 Nobel Prize for Consistency. The Nobel Foundation awards the bowler whose average between seasons changes the least. Powderkeg has long been known as BDS' most consistent bowler, because like his average only changed a couple of pins, unlike the averages of Shot Boy and Hacksaw and REDACTED.

BDS Head Coach Hackosaur Retires; Ravi A Cheater?

Santa Monica, CA

In a shocking development, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on motivational tactics, announced today through his publicist First Captain Kevin Meister that he was retiring as coach of Back Door Santa.

"It has become clear to me in recent weeks that my superb and extensive training has been wasted on Back Door Santa," said Meister, reading a prepared statement. "I have a certain loyalty to Hacksaw on account of him creating me via ancient DNA and guile, but at the same time my skillset has far surpassed even the great expectations of Dr. Hacksaw, the world's foremost expert on dinosaur career trajectory analysis. I can't keep spending my valuable time aboard Yo Hacka Hacka teaching these guys the basics, only to watch them Carl Crawford it up every Thursday."

"I had a zero year old bowl a 299 game when she was zero," the statement continued. "These jokers have yet to even enter The Construction Zone this season. Are you fucking kidding me? You have the world's greatest bowling teacher at your disposal because you created him in your spare time, yet you let your handsome talents go to waste. I mean, Dynagirl was zero years old, and she can't even stand up yet. I got her bowling a 299 game just by teaching her the basic fundamentals of accuracy. Sure I was disappointed, and sure I yelled at her - but the point is, I have a lot of work to do on the sun this week. Haüksaüw takes a lot of planning."

"And finally," the statement concluded, "I wish nothing but the best in the future to Back Door Santa. Also if they sweep tonight I'll come out of retirement."

According to TNT sources, Hackosaur will remain as the head of Hacksaw Inc, where his duties include flying Johnnie Skymaster, maintaining Hacksaw's supercollider, arranging any future celestial real estate deals, and of course managing Hacksaw's vast empire on the sun.

After the statement was read, the official legal counsel of Back Door Santa, First Captain Kevin Meister, addressed the media and commented on his latest case.

"As many of you have heard, on behalf of Back Door Santa, I have filed a lawsuit against one Ravi R. Finkelstein in the amount of $300 billion dollars due to his nefarious and blatant cheating during last week's match. The suit covers the $60 BDS had to pay in league fees, plus $299,999,999,940 in punitive damages."

Meister then beardedly laid out the key pieces of evidence in the lawsuit, including but not limited to:

- Surveillance photos of Finkelstein meeting with BayShore manager and notorious El Presidente co-hort Pablo Lyons as they went over the correct amount of glue to put under pins right before a BDS member threw their ball

- Receipts from Cedars-Sinai hospital proving that Finkelstein paid for bionic arm surgery last spring, as no human arm could withstand that fucked up delivery without breaking

- A picture of Finkelstein's lawyer handing two bags with dollar signs on them to the agent for Chris Hurre in an effort to get him to join an amateur bowling team

"Ravi R. Finkelstein likes to portray himself as a goateed marathoner," said Meister. "But the only kind of marathon he runs is a Race of Corruption."

In other BDS news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that just before this week's deadline, he had reached a deal to trade Mars to Europe for both Irelands, southern Finland, and six of the 31 counties in Portugal.

"It's been great owning Mars," said Hacksaw. "But I felt like my current lineup of real estate properties was a bit top-heavy. Adding both Irelands to the fold gives me the historical research needed to combine with the knowledge of Hessian brew as we get things rolling at Haüksaüw. The acquisition of Finland provides me with the reindeer meat I need for a new recipe I'm working on - rosemary and fennel reindeer short ribs. Portugal is nice to have, it can play any position."

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, hopes to at some point this year parlay Saturn into the rest of Europe, he said.

"I've got Hackosaur crunching numbers and looking into Neptune - I don't want to be without any planets whatsoever. But things are getting spread out and since I own the sun, I think the obvious option is to own all of Europe, which when combined with HAYO down in Cuba gives me a lot of ports."

Hacksaw Purchases The Sun

Santa Monica, CA -

Unsatisfied with the amount of sunlight his barley crops at Haüksaüw had been receiving in preparation for the fall harvest, Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he had finalized a deal to purchase the sun.

"I need to grow roughly 17 metric tons of barley a day," said Hacksaw at the news conference. "I'm getting at most 12 hours of sunlight a day at Haüksaüw, and that's just unsatisfactory. Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to own the sun. Thus, I commissioned Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on celestial real estate, and had him meet with our board of directors to put together a plan. We were surprised to find out that we were the only bidders."

The deal was initially held up by the United States Justice Department, who began an investigation into whether or not the deal would create a monopoly, in that after the purchase Hacksaw would, along with Saturn and Mars, own 30% of the solar system. During the hearings, Hacksaw reminded investigators that the deal was merely a means through which Hacksaw could produce the world's finest beverage, Hacksaw's Annual Yield: Oktoberfest aka HAYO. During the recent Kennedy Barley Honors, HAYO was awarded the nation's top prize based solely on hearsay, as there has yet been a drop of HAYO produced.

In order to harness the power of sun more efficiently, Hacksaw built a $9 trillion monitoring station in its core. The monitoring station, named the Solar Auditing Workstation (or SAW), is equipped with a sunscreen factory, a curling rink, an 18-hole executive golf course, a Soconium synthesis lab, a Westminster dog kennel, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. SAW will calculate the sun's output every 14 femtoseconds to make sure that enough power is emitted to provide adequate photosynthesis for the barley at Haüksaüw. If the sun's power is deemed inadequate, it will be boosted by an auxiliary Soconium-powered generator designed by Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on solar boost modifications. The generator is capable of producing 9,000,000 petawatts of energy per second.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, flew to the sun at 9am Thursday morning aboard Johnnie Skymaster, which was recently outfitted with a compression chamber to make space travel more comfortable to its passengers. Once he was back on earth at 9:15am, he deemed the purchase a success and began barley operations at Haüksaüw.

In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was fitted by Caterpillar construction company with a special edition Back Door hard hat this morning in preparation for his visit to The Construction Zone tonight. Caterpillar announced that it would be producing 1500 replicas of Shot Boy's hard hat and selling them on eBay, with proceeds going towards The Shot Boy Foundation, a non-profit organization that helps people find a sense of humor. The bidding for the helmets started at $190,000 each.

El Presidente Honors BDS

Santa Monica, CA -

Beloved TNT despot El Presidente awarded the El Presidente Medal of Excellence to Back Door Santa this week, during the Annual El Presidente Honors (hosted by Billy Crystal), to commemorate their record-setting matchup against El Presidente's team last week.

According to the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, Back Door Santa recorded the fewest number of losses ever in a head-to-head matchup against El Presidente, with four. The Back Door Santa blog was given permission to run an excerpt from the sports section of Corruption Enthusiast describing the event:

"His heart heavy with the burdens of being the fairest leader in the land, the honorable El Presidente registered nary a 400 game, but still took the time to acknowledge the love and adoration of the millions of supporters who showed up at Bayshore Lanes for a mere glimpse of their handsome leader and his tireless efforts against corruption and match-fixing. The match took over seven hours as the other players patiently waited for El Presidente to I don't know, maybe show up and bowl when it's his turn instead of parading around the lanes in his Affliction t-shirt and having no regard for the schedules of the common man. When asked to comment, local merchant and Bayshore Waiter/Giggolo Josh, his eyes rolling with honor of El Presidente, could only muster the most respectful whimper: What the fuck are you talking about, a million people, who the fuck writes this shit."

In other news, noted bowling scientist Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5! wrote an op-ed piece in the New York Times this week, simply titled "Are you fucking kidding me":

"You mean to tell me that I hand calculated over 7 billion variables for each of you fucks and you have lost 7 of 8 games? Are you fucking kidding me? I mean what the fuck are you even doing out there? Oh Captain My Captain's handicap is going to go up 70 pins. Seventy fucking pins! You all go out there with your hayos and your nuances and then you fucking pull down your pants and shit on your own fucking bowling balls. Now granted, you're handsome, and might I say quite handsomely-pantsed - and let's not forget that it's virtually impossible to bowl when you have women getting pissed that you didn't buy them a shot even though they've never bought you a shot in three years and - hold on, just checking some data - yup, you've never dated. But the point is this: you've learned the true meaning of Christmas."

In BDS news, our handsome heroes spent the week aboard Yo Gabba Gabba with noted anti-suck spokesdinosaur Hackosaur in an effort to determine the precise reason why BDS has lost two weeks in a row. Through a myriad of scientific methods, the exact reason was identified, but he then gave a bunch of excuses such as having a daughter and also not having a job and what the fuck do you want jesus christ.

In unrelated news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish gave a statement to the Associated Press defending himself against anonymous allegations that he's the reason why BDS has lost two weeks in a row.

"I know they're tired of my renegade ways. I'm a loose canon! I don't have any evidence that my team is preparing to replace me with a 3 month old girl. But I do have a lot of hearsay and conjecture, and those are KINDS of evidence?" said Dynamite. "The point is this: the other members of Back Door Santa have had it out for me ever since I accidentally ran over Hacksaw's cherished foot with my car. Replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and "foot" with "$7 million albino gazelle."

Moving along, planning was underway this week to begin brewing the greatest beverage known to man: Hacksaw's Annual Yield: Oktoberfest - aka HAYO. Rumor has it that team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has corralled the world's foremost barley investors, including Sammy Adams IX, to fund the brew that will highlight this year's Hacktoberfest. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, plans to grow the special hops and barley necessary for HAYO on Saturn, which he fucking owns by the way, what do you own. So anyway I told Amy that Hacksaw is making HAYO and she's like "are you fucking kidding me, when is it going to be ready" and I'm like damn woman, these things take time but the point is, there's a hidden message here: Hacksaw, get crackin.

BDS Blog Wins Pulitzer For Journalistic Seriousness

Santa Monica, CA - The Pulitzer Board announced this week that Dynamite Chris Parish, the chief correspondent for the Backdoor Santa Blog, has won the 2011 Pulitzer Prize for those journalists who have shown outstanding achievement in the field of seriousness through their reporting.

"It is with great accolade that we award this serious award, the 2011 Pulitzer Prize for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Seriousness to Dynamite Chris Parish, editor-in-chief of the Backdoor Santa blog. Throughout the life of his reporting, Mr. Dynamite has seriously shown a tendency to focus on seriousness and eschew the humorous tendencies of typical bowling-type blogs. It's refreshing for us here at the Pulitzer Board to fire up our computers and indulge ourselves in the type of factually-based serious reporting that we've come to expect from the BDS blog. We appreciate that his commentary never lowers itself to make jokes regarding historical events, such as the Watergate scandal, which was barely the most well-known political scandal in American history."

"I want to thank the Pulitzer Board for finally recognizing my achievement in the field of seriousness," said Dynamite. "One might argue that it's irresponsible journalism to expect the average American to know trivial facts about trivial American historical events, such as the events that led to the only Presidential resignation in American history. I think it was Eisenhower or something. I can't be sure, because I've never read any newspaper ever or even turned on the television set, where potentially 40% of television shows in the last thirty years have made a reference to key pieces of information about that scandal. Not on my watch, and not in my blog."

It was quite an awardly week for Dynamite, who was also honored by the Society of Mothers Ignoring Laughter and Enjoyment (SMILE) for writing the only publication in the United States that must be taken 100% seriously. SMILE highlighted several blog posts which proved that everything in his blog should be taken seriously, including:

The one where his teammate Hacksaw synthesized a fucking dinosaur

The one where said dinosaur flew an airplane from Los Angeles to Cuba in four seconds to drop a case of Southern Comfort into the wilderness of Cuba, and this case of liquor somehow helped Shot Boy escape the wrath of El Presidente, a 24 year old Santa Monica resident who is also the head of Cuba

The one where Hacksaw spent billions of dollars to build an airplane named Yo Hacka Hacka that would serve as a bowling training facility for a zero year old girl. Also, her trainer is a dinosaur who can fly an airplane, and she bowled a 299 game.

The one where Hacksaw purchased Saturn, a planet 764 times the size of earth, and put it on display at one of his properties.

The one where Back Door Santa flew to the White House and watched one of their matches with President Obama

The one where Powderkeg and Brandon "Hally" Irons started a clothing company selling $80,000 pants

In other BDS news, I mean hell that's a pretty big week for BDS.

BDS To Light Rockefeller Christmas Tree

Santa Monica, CA - NBC/Universal today announced that they had signed 2011 TNT Fall League Champions Back Door Santa as the officiants for their annual Christmas tree lighting at 30 Rockefeller Center in New York City.

"We are honored to have the handsome lads in BDS join us during this wonderful ceremony, as I know their schedule will be quite busy after winning their third championship," said NBC news anchor Brian Williams. "I also appreciate BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris for extending the olive branch to me - I can finally leave the house without fear."

According to sources, Hacksaw made it his top priority during the offseason to settle his feud with Brian Williams. He dispatched his most trusted advisor Hackosaur - the world's foremost expert on hostile TV personality negotiations - to New York City via Johnnie Skymaster in order to pick up Williams and take him to a meeting with Hacksaw aboard Hack-a-Whirl. While the two former combatants discussed a truce, the 300-foot helicopter hovered above Los Angeles and hosted the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards. According to reports, the award ceremony was abruptly ended after five minutes when Hacksaw realized that they're fucking retarded and promptly ordered everyone associated with the awards off Hack-A-Whirl mid-air.

Once the truce was signed, Hacksaw showed his gratitude by giving Williams a tour of his 75,000-acre brewery, Haüksaüw. Williams was treated to a pint from the latest batch of Back Door Ale, which Williams reportedly said "made every other beverage ever taste like the rotten piss of a thousand dead rhinos."

In preparation for next month's Hacktoberfest, Hacksaw revealed the latest addition to Haüksaüw, a specialty cheese factory. The 20,000,000 square foot building, the opportunely-named Hackamook, has 7 trillion dairy cows, three cheese culture tanks, a thirty-story arcade room, an IMAX theater, a space shuttle landing pad, a dairy molecular research laboratory, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. Hackamook is capable of producing 17 metric tons of fine cheese per hour, including well-regarded varieties like extra sharp cheddar, stilton, gouda, and a new flavor invented by Hackosaur, colby hack.

The Associated Press reports that Hacksaw hired Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on beer/dairy flavor cross-pollinated maximization, to craft a suitable cheese to be pared with this fall's Back Door Ale. When he found that current species of dairy cows were unable to produce the exact milk necessary to fully accent the flavor of BDS ale, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on bovine genetic reproduction, synthesized a hybrid cow embryo using only his vast knowledge of zygote fertility and also guile.

Colby hack is available at Johnnie Foodmaster stores across the United States for $90,000/ounce, and potential customers must first send their headshots to Hacksaw in order to be approved for purchase, so that no uggos are eating the cheese.

In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon joined the effervescent Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons and team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish aboard the team's aerial training facility, Yo Hacka Hacka, to practice lifting their 2001 TNT Fall Season championship trophies.

"We haven't lifted a trophy since April, since we had the four month summer practice league, and I wanted to make sure we start building up our endurance to carry the hardware," said Shot Boy. "I don't want us trying to lift trophies in December and acting as if we weren't prepared to win the championship and lift the trophies. It's part of my job to keep the team prepared."

Powderkeg, Meister Form ZACHFOCS

Santa Monica, CA -

In a last ditch effort to ensure some sort of fairness to TNT before the start of the fall season, Back Door Santa's Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons and The Bowling Wallendas' First Captain Kevin Meister announced the formation of an investigative supergroup, named ZACHFOCS.

"Now I'm not a big city lawyer," said Meister. "But it seeeeemmmsss to meeee ... that when a guy has a deadly injury but shows up for bowling to watch a thief bowl a 317 game with handicap as his substitute, corruption has gone too far."

ZACHFOCS, or Zealously Adored Champions Heralded For Opposing Corruption & Suspiciousness, aims to bring to light the blatant corruption and mismanagement that has plagued the TNT Summer practice season in order to prevent its ugly recurrence during the lovely fall season, dubbed "Season of True Champions" by ESPN.

ZACHFOCS was formed after Powderkeg and Meister received information from an anonymous tipster associated with the current "first place" team, Evil Soup. The informant, dubbed "Deeper Throat" by those in the know, indicated that her team is a bunch of cheating liars, just as sure as her name is L*sa M*rgan.

The case against Evil Soup is damning, according to reports. Accusations include but are not limited to:

- The team was formed the first week of the summer practice season, without filling out the various W2 forms and rigorous background checks required of all TNT applicants
- Their best bowler, Bob The Snake, has a long history of tanking various matches to keep his handicap low, so he can get 15 pins a game even though he's never bowled under 240
- Their fourth bowler, TGI Davedays, only shows up 40% of the time so that the team can call up a ringer to sub for him.
- They once used a sub named Harold "The Thief" McStealerson, a known felon who's wanted in 50 states for being a dirtbag.
- Never in the history of TNT bowling, dating back to April 2011, have the two teams who met in the previous season's championship game failed to make it to the following championship game without some level of El Presidente-esque interference.
- Vegas guaranteed victories for BDS and the Wallendas at the end of July; matches for both teams were "postponed" due to suspicious closing of lanes at Bayshore, an establishment with a long history of timely upkeep and reliability.

"Look, the bottom line is this," said Meister. "The Santas and Wallendas are champions. We love to bowl and we play with heart. We recognize that there are two teams out there. We can't sit here and let Evil Soup make a mockery of this institution. ZACHFOCS is not going to sit here and get a bunch of 9's and just assume everything's on the up and up."

In other league news, it's position week I think this week, where the teams in TNT battle for their positions to begin the fall season in September. All eyes and cameras will be on lane number six-ish, where Back Door Santa looks to put the finishing touches on its new lineup. Heralded as the most scientific bowling lineup in the history of science, it was first calculated by Dr. Hurricane: Class 5 using his c:ALIBRATE method, and tested for the first time last week.

"We won three out of four games," said team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "We could have swept but we realized that we wanted to work out a few kinks and purposely lose a game in order to test the science. We've got one more chance to work on it during position week, wherein each team bowls to determine its team number for the fall season. There's been a lot of media coverage for our game this Thursday, and rightfully so."

In other BDS news, in preparation for the upcoming Hacktoberfest, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris completed his latest purchase, Germany.

"I made the decision that I wanted to kick it old-school with this year's Hacktoberfest, so why not kick it the oldest school and host it in Europe. I talked to my agent Hackosaur, who is not only #1 on the west side, he's also the world's foremost expert on European land investment. He told me that Germany was currently available, so I went for it," explained Hacksaw. "To my surprise, we were the highest bidder."

Hacksaw immediately won over the native Krauts by renaming Germany to Hacksaw's Bavarian Funhouse. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, filed a petition with the European Union to drop the euro as HBF's form of currency, and the nation will immediately begin using its new currency, the khahnvoy, to buy and sell goods. Because HBF currently boasts an AAA rating from Standard and Poors, the value of one khahnvoy is equivalent to 14 euros and $19 American.

According to the Associated Press, the natives of Hacksaw's Bavarian Funhouse have taken a shine to their newfound respect on the global marketplace, and have planned a national holiday this Friday, August 19th in order to parade in the streets and spend their hard-earned khahnvoys in celebration. The day, dubbed "National Hacksaw Appreciation Month", will be featured on a commemorative silver khahnvoy; a handsome profile of Hacksaw on the front, and a picture of Hackosaur piloting Johnnie Skymaster on the back.

And finally this week, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish returned from his sabbatical in Minnesota with his favorite accomplice Dynagirl. According to published reports, tensions on the flight home mounted when a bunch of uggos tried to look at Dynagirl and it's like, quick looking at my daughter fatties.

Dr. Hurricane: Class 5 Calibrates BDS

Santa Monica, CA -

The handsome champions of Back Door Santa announced today that they were altering their lineup order - something that hasn't been attempted in bowling circles for 664 years.

Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on medieval bowling history, noted that the last time a bowling lineup had been changed was during the reign of Edward III of England, in 1347. Edward III was looking for a way to shake up the Royal Bowling Team of the High Court, known then as the Heroic Archers of Ye Oval Efforts (HAYOE). Unfortunately for Edward, the Black Death began a year later in 1348, wiping out 60% of Europe's population, and many scholars at the time attributed the plague to Edward's cavalier attitude towards bowling lineup regimen.

Preferring to make history rather than learn from it, BDS convened at team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish's modest 40,000 square foot estate in Hermosa Beach on Sunday to vote on the lineup measure. After a unanimous and handsome decision, they turned to the scientific community to determine the optimal bowling lineup that would not only prove successful, but be most impenetrable to the nefarious and unannounced rule changes that have dominated TNT's summer season.

BDS put a call into Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5, skipper of the Los Angeles Beer Frames and an analyst at the prestigious Hackosaur University, a bowling research institute funded by the good people at Hacksaw Tax Shelter Emporium. Dr. Hurricane is known throughout the scientific community as the world's second foremost expert on bowling lineup efficiency, behind only Hackosaur.

"It was a big challenge because they needed an answer quickly," said Dr. Hurricane. "The lads wanted to test out the new lineup during the end of the TNT Summer Optional Practice League - This One Doesn't Count So Show Up If You Feel Like It Or Cancel Random Weeks, in preparation for when official league play starts up in September, when the matches begin to count again for the first time since April. Luckily, I'd been putting the finishing touches on my new algorithm and was anxious to test it out."

The new Back Door Santa lineup was finalized using Mocha Hurricane's patented formula, the coefficient: Apex Lane Integration for Bowling Readiness And Transcendent Efficiency - or c:ALIBRATE. The handsome formula scientifically emphasizes skill at the head of the order, weak linkitude right at the end, and balanced championshipness throughout.

"What I noticed during my research was that over time, the ability of a bowling lineup to succeed against totalitarian and arbitrary rule changes degrades. What worked a year ago, or even three months ago, in the face of El Presidente's corruptionality might not work anymore. One option is to add someone to your team who's handsomely-pantsed, but since BDS wants to keep its core championshipness together, we can use c:ALIBRATE to build a lineup that can minimize the degredation trajectification," added Dr. Hurricane.

c:ALIBRATE measures over 7 billion characteristics of a bowler, including but not limited to handsomeness, nuance readability, championshipality, intangibles, and guile. Each bowler is then given an overall score between 0 and 6,000,000,001, and those scores determine his place in the bowling lineup.

According to the Associated Press, Dr. Hurricane spent several minutes on Monday measuring each of the 7 billion of BDS' characteristics by hand, revealing the following c:ALIBRATE scores:

Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
John "Hacksaw" Serris: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
Dynamite Chris Parish: 17

Dr. Hurricane went on to explain the simplistic tie-breaking procedures of c:ALIBRATE, which also shows why this formula will be universally adopted due to its ease of use.

"In the event of a tie, in order to prevent a recurrence of Black Death, team members are ordered by the number of unique letters in their last name. As you can see, we still have a tie.

The second tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you then rank the players based on the number of letters in their first name, wherein any number of letters less than 5 is counted as a 5. As you can see, we still have a tie.

The third tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you then rank the players by number of championships on a binary scale. Zero championships is given a value of 0, and any number > 0 is given a value of 1. As you can see, we still have a tie.

The fourth tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you rank players based on the telephone country code of the nation in which their most recent championship took place; since each member won their most recent championship in the United States and thus all have a value here of 001, as you can see we still have a tie.

"The fifth tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you arrange the players in reverse alphabetical order by the third letter of their first name," said Dr. Hurricane. "Thusly, you can see that we now have a new bowling order as thusly:

1. Shot Boy
2. Hacksaw
3. Powderkeg
4. Dynamite

Dr. Hurricane then used c:ALIBRATE to rank most desired subs for BDS, in the unlikely event that on a given week they forget that they love to bowl:

1. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
2. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
3. Brandon "Hally" Irons
4. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
5. Fast Jerry Kaufmann
87. Scotty Shortpants
7quadrillion: Harold "The Thief" McStealerson

Shot Boy, Meister Testify

Washington D.C. -

Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and BDS legal counsel First Captain Kevin Meister were in Washington this week to testify before the Senate Corruption Committee with regard to what in the fuck is going on with the TNT league this year.

Meister opened the session with one of the most powerful and romantically moving statements in Senate history, pleading with lawmakers to suspend debt ceiling discussions until a thorough investigation of TNT's practices could be completed.

"Pillars to the left of me ... post bowwwwwwlllinggg to the right (pronounced raaht). Am I not a man? Am I not a bowler? Do the Wallendas and BDS not bleed if you cut them? Because gentlemen, El Presidente has cut us deep. Cut us to the very soul. Anthony Cortese is full of evil soup, the kind of corrupt meal that while delicious ... (ten minute pause) ... it fills you with hate. Now, I'm a simple man, but it seeeeeemmmmmsss to meeee .... that two of the best teams in the league should get a fair chance during a league season. And that's just not the case here gentlemen," said Meister.

According to Shot Boy's testimony, the league has been completely fucked this season. One egregious violation occurred when "first place" Evil Soup enjoyed the subbing services of one Harold "The Thief" McNeverleaves bowling a 317 game with handicap, which is technically only possible in Cuba. I mean what is the fuck. Not to mention some dude bowling a 700 series against BDS and then mysteriously being unable to bowl the following week even though he showed up, paving the way for that fucking Harold dude to show up and eyeball the foam hacksaw for four hours like a god damn psycho. I know he's going to try and steal that shit. And what a fucking clusterfuck with these lanes being fucked up so it's thrown to a vote to postpone a week, yet somehow it's not mentioned that if we postpone a week then we're actually skipping it.

"It's no way to run a league," said Shot Boy. "Congressmen, I implore you to stop cheating on your wives while lecturing me on values long enough to take a look at this. The fate of our nation is at stake, probably. And just let me say, no Senate investigation is complete without taking a break and enjoying a nice glass of Southern Comfort, the official spirit of Shot Boy. Its smooth smooth flavor and satisfying finish is just what the doctor ordered. Welcome to flavor country."

Cuba's official state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast, was also in Washington to report on the story, and released an official statement.

"United States residents Clint Tabon and Kevin Meister testified before the devil Senate today and asked them to allocate funds to honor El Presidente, the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban documents. Tabon and Meister expressed their anger that their nazi-commie government didn't have the strength to honor the greatest man alive, the honorable anti-corruption pioneer we are honored to call El Presidente. He runs the fairest bowling league in the land, according to Tabon and Meister, and they are quite pleased with the open communication and non-corruption the league is experiencing this season. All hail 2011 Summer League champs Evil Soup, said Tabon and Meister. This team is in no way some sort of rigged puppet regime team placed in the league solely to dethrone the cheating Back Door Santa, as a matter of fact Evil Soup has been in the league for years, according to official Cuban documents."

In other BDS news, invites were mailed out this week for the first annual Hacktoberfest, to be held in Hacktober at Hacksaw's hops and barley plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. Hacktoberfest is the annual celebration of the fall beer calibration, when the first 8 billion barrels of Back Door Ale are distributed to the public. It's rumored that Hacksaw will use the event to unveil his latest purchase, Saturn.

"I can't comment directly as the contracts have not been signed," said Hacksaw. "But I'm known around these parts as a bit of a 'ringer' and I thought, What better way to celebrate calibration than by purchasing the biggest rings I could find. I called up my real estate agent Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on planetary investment, and we were surprised to see that we were the only bidder for Saturn."

In troubling BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons entered a rehabilitation center after enduring a two-week bender and hitting rock top. According to witnesses, the trouble started when Powderkeg's parter-in-crime, noted womanizer Cobra "Kai" Tabon, flew in from Florida at the beginning of July and goaded Powderkeg into going out to get some bitches. The boiling point was reached two weeks ago during BDS's match against this other team, and Powderkeg and Cobra showed up drunk as fuck on Gutter Juice, a potent mixture of PowderBull, absinthe, and guile. Witnesses said that it seemed as though Powderkeg temporarily forgot how much he loved to bowl and spent the majority of the time swinging Cobra Kai around the bowling alley while throngs of women fainted.

"I love three things: bowling, being a champion, and Gutter Juice. Unfortunately for me, those things are not always compatible. I'd like to stress that I apologize for letting my teammates down, It's not all Cobra's fault. All of these years I've watched him turn into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim of Cobra Kai Tabon. I will not stand here and let the media disparage the good folks at Gutter Juice. They make a good product, a product that was just invented by me. I would like to take this time to announce that Cobra Kai Tabon and I have reached a deal with Hacksaw Inc to ferment and bottle a new product called Gutter Juice. It's a 750-proof energy beverage powered by the rings of Saturn."

In preparation for the production of Gutter Juice, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, added a new wing to his barley and hops plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. The wing is a combination potato farm and planetary particle harvester. I don't really know where I'm going with this exactly but the point is that Powderkeg invented Gutter Juice and it's going to be fermented and bottled at Haücksaüw. This blog entry really escalated quickly.

And finally this week, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish underwent surgery in Birmingham, AL this week to repair his torn labia. The surgery was performed by famed physician Dr. James Andrews, who was guided during the process by Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on labia repair. According to sources, Dynamite had been hoping that the labia would heal on its own with intense physical therapy, but in the end he opted for surgery in hopes that he could begin not killing his team just by showing up. Dr. Hackosaur's surgery includes creating a small incision near the labia, and then bitch slapping the patient until he mans the fuck up and stops being a bitch.

Cortese Hired By Corrupution Enthusiast

Havana, Cuba - The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, announced today that it had hired TNT secretary Tony Cortese as its new editor-in-chief.

"It is with great pride and accuracy that we announce the hiring of beloved Cuban-Italian Anthony Cortese as the new editor-in-chief of our hallowed publication," said Corrupution Enthusiast on its front page. "His honest, no-nonsense reporting style will fit nicely with our history of accuracy and journalistic integrity. We have enjoyed reading his weekly updates to the TNT league which display his trademark objectivity towards TNT defending champions, according to official Cuban records, Pants On the Ground."

According to official statements, Cortese was hired once Corruption Enthusiast got the go-ahead from El Presidente, the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban documents. El Presidente was in the middle of one of his trademark 400 games when he paused to rescue an orphan from capitalism and then meet with Cortese to discuss his writing style.

"Tony is my kind of writer," said the honorable El Presidente. "We don't care what actually happened on a Thursday. We care about what's printed the following Tuesday and distributed to the league. Sometimes it takes a couple days of reflection to accurately portray last week's results, regardless of the scores at the time."

In other league news, the members of Back Door Santa held a meeting in Paris at the HAE-O in order to regroup after being rolled over during last week's matchup, where they were only able to muster a tie against Evil Sooop because they got rolled over.

"We got rolled over," said team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "It's the only way to accurately convey a situation in which each team ends up with the exact same amount of points. We were annihilated."

Witnesses said that the BDS boys held a closed-door meeting, followed by a tour of the newest wing of the HAE-O, the Hall of Excellence. The $372 billion exhibition was designed by Hackosaur, the world's pre-eminent expert on museum wing architecture, and features statues and oil paintings commemorating the historic Back Door Santa championship run of August 2011.

John "Hacksaw" Serris, the museum's owner, decided to fund the project now even though the season is not yet over, in the interests of time.

"Championship Week this season falls right in the middle of brewery season," said Hacksaw. "My focus in August will be on this year's batch."

In an effort to increase the efficiency of the brewery process, Hacksaw announced the completion of his latest masterpiece, a 75,000 acre hops and barley plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, outfitted the plantation with a 37-story brewery, 2,000 John Deere tractors, a laser light exhibit, a moon lander, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. Haücksaüw will be capable of producing 400,000 gallons of Back Door Ale per day, and is situated on the viewing deck of his airborne training center, the congruously-named Yo Hacka Hacka.

"One of the key components of the brewing process is relative humidity," said Hacksaw. "As I designed my plantation with Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on meteorology, we decided that an airborne plantation will allow us to adjust altitude based on optimal humidity. It's just a pet project of mine."

The completion of Haücksaüw is welcome news for the world's championship beer drinkers, as historically Hacksaw had been unable to keep up supply in the face of increasing demand. The Associated Press noted that the supply of Back Door Ale had run dry in recent weeks, upsetting beverage enthusiasts everywhere, most notably pregnant women who are fucking pissed off, how do you only make 48 bottles, what are you some kind of idiot.

In other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons won an award last night at The ESPY's for "World's Most Handsome Handsomeologist." Surely fueled by his recent increase in pin accuracy, Powderkeg beat out fellow nominees Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, Los Angeles Beerframes skipper Mocha Hurricane: Class 5, and Turkey Juice sexpot Brandon Irons Hally by the narrowest of margins.

"It's with great pride, honor, and accuracy that I accept this award," said Powderkeg. "It's an honor to be nominated, especially when much of this group is very handsomely-pantsed. I just try to show up every week, calibrate the lanes, really learn the nuances. I just love to bowl."

Powderkeg was accompanied to the ESPY's by the star of TNT's "Falling Skies", identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons."

"Right now I'm thinking of another meeting - IN BED," said Powderkeg.

And finally, in dramatic news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was served with a cease-and-desist letter from his own legal counsel, First Captain Kevin Meister. In the letter, FC Meister demanded that Dynamite cease and desist from not writing about Meister in this week's blog, but maybe Meister should have thought twice about calling him a queer in response to what sources said was a very nice and thoughtful email from Dynamite this week.

Shot Boy: Dynamite Not Out (Probably)

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon held a press conference today to refute rumors that the team was preparing to replace legendary weak link Dynamite Chris Parish.

"There is no truth to the rumors, originally posted in the official state newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, that we are going to replace Dynamite," said Shot Boy. "While it's true that in his absence we have ascended the league standings at a rapid rate, he originally purchased our trademark foam Hacksaw so we are fucking stuck unfortunately."

Dynamite was absent from last week's matchups due to the birth of his wonderchild, the adorably-named Dynagirl, and Back Door Santa was so ill-prepared that they swept all four games and climbed into second place. Rumors began circling that the team held a secret meeting aboard Dynagirl's flying training center, the congruously-named "Yo Hacka Hacka", and discussed with Hackosaur about the youngster's progress and potential ability to step in for the remainder of the TNT season.

According to witnesses, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on infant training and team harmony, indicated that Dynagirl was still only bowling at a consistent 290-pin level and he would need a few more weeks to shore up training before she would be ready for the grueling TNT schedule. Also, she's still only zero.

In other league news, BDS legal counsel First Captain Kevin Meister returned to Los Angeles after successfully defending his latest client, Casey Anthony, in the murder trial of her two year old daughter that she murdered. Casey "The Guilty Murderer" Anthony, as she's known in murderous circles, was acquitted on all charges of murdering her daughter after Meister convinced the jury that Anthony's murdery qualities would probably come back to haunt them if they convicted her.

"Miss Anthony is a murderer, and as such is not afraid of murder, or murdering anyone," said Meister in his closing remarks. "She will definitely murder you, just as sure as she murdered her two year old daughter. I ask that the jury look at all of the evidence and then remember that I guarantee you'll be murdered if you find my client guilty."

Meister then flew via Johnny Skymaster to Paris to attend the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the recently renovated Louvre, or as it's known now, Hacksaw's Arty Emporium & Observatory (HAE-O). Team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, recently purchased the museum in an effort to improve American-Frenchie relations.

"The proceeds from Hackosaur's soconium research have allowed me the time and resources to invest into one of my favorite pasttimes, renovating historic museums. I look forward to helping art lovers across the country enjoy these beautiful paintings the way they were meant to be enjoyed - the Hacksaw way," said Hacksaw in a statement.

The new and improved HAE-O boasts a 14 story rock-climbing wall, 2 miles of bulletproof glass surrounding the Mona Lisa, a rodeo, a SCUBA certification center, 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications, and Mount Rushmore, recently moved from South Dakota via the Hack-A-Whirl.

And finally this week, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons announced the arrival of his new energy drink, PowderBull. The beverage will be available nationwide at all Johnny Foodmaster locations, and is a combination of Coors Light, Southern Comfort, and 6,000 pentagrams of ginseng. One can costs $10,000 and the exciting drink sold out in four seconds.

"It's a combination of what drives me," said Powderkeg in a statement. "I kept the price point high to deter ugly people from making the purchase. This isn't something that's going to make you handsome if you're not starting with a handsome base. It's more of the final touch that makes a handsome person a champion. There are no guarantees when it comes to winning, but I do guarantee that if you purchase this beverage for $10,000 you will be a champion, assuming you were handsome to begin with."

Dynagirl Bowls 297

HAYO, Cuba - Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris held a press conference today to announce that his niece, the adorably-named Dynagirl, had finished her first week of training by bowling a 297 game.

"She was born Friday, so I was hoping that at this point she'd be a little further along in her training," said Hacksaw. "Reports coming from Hackosaur aboard Yo Hacka Hacka indicate that the 19 hour daily sessions are broken up by about 10-12 diaper changes, which hurts the flow of the lessons. That said, I'm fairly pleased that she's starting to put together passable games."

Sources said that Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on pin physics and infant care, has the youngster reading pin splits at an 11th grade level. Every time she gets a strike, he rewards her with a quick trip to the diamond district aboard Yo Hacka Hacka.

In other BDS news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish took his second week of sabbatical in order to gear up for the TNT stretch run. He's following an ancient Taoist training regimen wherein the human body is trained to only sleep two hours at a time, or even less if someone in the room is being fussy.

BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons are also on Back Door Santa, and commented that "this week's news seem rushed" but allowed that "we're just happy there's a news story this week at all, and we're glad the news outlets made the time because it would be bad luck if there were no news story, holy shit she's crying again we just fed her. I've got an idea, why don't I change your diaper and then you can immediately crap in the new one while you're smiling at me cuz now I'm your bitch."

TNT Awaits Newest Champion

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Uncle Hacksaw" Serris held a press conference this week to unveil his latest masterpiece, a $900 million Airbus converted into a flying jungle gym and youth center.

The flying vessel, the congruously-named "Yo Hacka Hacka", was built in preparation for the arrival of Back Door Santa's most handsome creation to date, Dynagirl.

"My niece Dynagirl was conceived via a combination of Dynamite's handsomeness and guile, and as such I felt that she needed to be raised on a steady diet of accuracy, good looks, and first-class travel."

Yo Hacka Hacka is 100 feet long, and can reach a top speed of 60,000 miles per hour. Its engine is powered by Soconium, a new element recently discovered during team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon's visit to the Mars Exhibit inside Hacksaw Square Garden. Witnesses say that Shot Boy had just finished taking in a MiniKeg concert when he casually glanced into the core of Mars and noticed a substance that seemed to contain 119 electrons, one more than the noble gas Ununoctium. A sample of the substance was sent to HAYO and analyzed by Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost scientist and physical matter expert.

Testing confirmed Shot Boy's assumptions that the new element not only had 119 electrons, but was also a fuel 25 billion times more efficient and clean-burning than biodiesel. Upon hearing the news, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, flew down to Cuba aboard Johnny Skymaster and met with Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on building airplane engines out of newly-discovered elements. Within a few seconds, Dr. Hackosaur had built the Soconium-powered engine that was then installed aboard Yo Hacka Hacka.

Anyway, Yo Hacka Hacka boasts a nursery, a K-12 prep school currently ranked #1 in the nation, a seven-story outdoor swing set comprised entirely of Redwood lumber, a diamond district, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. The plane will be the main method of BDS transportation for the remainder of the season as Dynagirl begins her championship training.

"I had some extra dollars floating around after winning the Most Outstanding Brew award at the 2011 Global Brewing Championships," said Hacksaw. "I didn't want my niece to suffer the same upbringing I had, when my parents couldn't afford or possibly didn't think it was safe to bring a zero year old to the bowling alley."

The Associated Press reported that Dynagirl will be whisked away from Cedars-Sinai within minutes of her arrival and transported via Johnny Skymaster to her new home aboard Yo Hacka Hacka. After daily feedings, she will attend 19-hour long training sessions with her coach, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on pin physics. Sources indicated that these plans may change if Dynagirl's mom reads this blog and demands to know what the fuck am I talking about.

"Newborns, especially newborns from my championship loins, tend to be almost too accurate at an early age," said Dynamite, the girl's alleged father and confirmed BDS weak link. "It's of utmost importance that she beings her training so as not to sully her family's good bowling name."

In other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons confirmed that he had signed on to star in a new movie to be directed by Martin Scorcese, "Two Teams". The flick will tell the story of a handsome bowling champion who infiltrates a bowling referee association and teaches them about equality and how there are two teams out there. The movie will feature a cameo from MLB Manager of the Year, Mocha Hurricane: Class 5.

"There's a really dramatic scene where my character, Chad Sexington, is wondering if the lanes will ever realize there are two teams out there. I'm about to give up when Mocha Hurricane comes in and reminds me how tough it is to beat my team even when you average over 200. The moral of the story, I think, is handsomeness."

And finally, in unrelated news, producers of the new TNT original series "Falling Skies" were forced to shut down production this week after the show's star, identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons", mysteriously disappeared and went on a Twitter binge. The tweets were printed by The Huffington Post (used with permission).

"lol u can be in a scorcese but not on my show? u r my falling skie"
"i wonder if the name @moonsexington is avail on twitter?"
"lol u shud @dynagirl it's warm in here. i'm going to wait at least another week"
"lol i no rite @elpresidente falling skies is not corrupt enuff lol"

MiniKeg Concert Erupts In Violence

Havana, Cuba - After news broke this week that Latin pop sensation MiniKeg was possibly the grandson of Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, millions of fans rushed the stage during his concert in Havana on Tuesday night.

The event was planned as a celebration of his father, Pablo Lyons, being hired by ruthless TNT despot El Presidente. The concert went on without a hitch until the band strummed the first ukelele chords of MiniKeg's international dance hit "Mi Abuelo Es El Powderkeg"; fans then rushed the stage, overpowering security forces in order to get a closer look at the handsome seed of Powderkeg's championship loins.

According to witnesses, MiniKeg was immediately crushed under the weight of an estimated 7,000 beautiful women, and was gasping for air until he was rescued a special ops team of Navy SEALs led by Lt. Commander Hackosaur. The team parachuted out of a hovering 300-ft long helicopter, the pertinently-named "Hack-A-Whirl", and whisked away the pop star before anyone knew what had happened.

According to the Associated Press, the real hero is BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, who was hiking in Nepal as part of his weekly Captain's Retreat with Bowling Wallendas manager FC Kevin Meister. Shot Boy looked over his shoulder and noticed that there was some sort of violence taking place in Havana, Cuba, so he called Lt. Commander Hackosaur from his iPhone 11 and asked him to check things out.

The official Cuban state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast, issued a statement after the riots.

"We challenge the liberal media to find any evidence that a dinosaur flew into Cuba on a helicopter after receiving a phone call on an iPhone model 7 versions newer than the models currently available on apple.com. It is libelous to suggest that the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban records, the benevolent El Presidente, would ever allow a violent incident like this to take place on Cuban soil. Next the liberal media will probably suggest that El Presidente fixes scores. This entire paragraph makes no sense we just realized because Cuba is a Communist nation which is actually the most extreme version of liberalism. Although we are not going to look it up."

After the long 14 second journey back to Santa Monica from Nepal aboard Johnny Skymaster, FC Meister turned his attention to his latest case, defending BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish from sexual harassment charges. According to police reports, there was an incident during last week's league matchup where Dynamite was caught staring a hole through an engaged chicks ass. Witnesses said that Dynamite moved his head from left to right, an obvious move from a savvy sexual harasser to check out an engaged chick's ass through his peripheral vision. Despite a stern warning from the victim's bodyguard/non-fiance to "stop checking out her ass, bro", a smug Dynamite ignored the warning and turned his attention the scoreboard, as if anyone was going to believe that was his intention in the first place.

"Things don't look good for Dynamite," said Meister. "From the outside, this feels like an open and shut case. Who knows what would have happened if her bodyguard wasn't secretly in love with her and protecting her, thinking eventually she'd come around and see that true love was right in front of her this whole time, just like in the movies. However, if I can successfully defend Hacksaw from a powerful union, I'm sure I can prove to the jury that just because the defendant had his eyes open doesn't necessarily prove he was looking at anyone in particular."

In other news, the concert violence in Cuba prompted BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris to finish construction of his latest wonder of the world, a 450,000 seat ampitheater, the veritably-named "Hacksaw Square Garden." Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, designed the venue as the home stage of Latin pop sensation and BDS-favorite MiniKeg. The building boasts its main stage, seven acres of 24,000 watt lights, a 56,000 gallon aquarium to house the world's first humpback whale petting zoo, 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications, and Mars, which was towed out its orbit last week by Johnny Skymaster and placed in its new home.

"I got tired of waiting to find out if there was life on Mars," said Hacksaw to ABC News. "I had some time last week so I flew up there and got it. MiniKeg shows typically have a lot of intermissions, so I thought it would be fun for the fans to play around on Mars."

Hacksaw Square Garden is being billed as the "world's safest place ever", with security forces being trained by the United States' top defense specialist and Navy SEAL, Lt. Commander Hackosaur. Each fan who attends a MiniKeg concert will have his or her own dedicated 5-man security team to help protect against riots.

The Huffington Post printed the remainder of Hacksaw's lengthy interview with ABC's Diane Sawyer.

DS: Why do you think the US Government has been historically reluctant to bring Mars down to earth?

JS: I think it's a lack of guile.

DS: What are the odds that anyone on your team is ever going to look up the world "guile"?

JS: Very low

DS: An anonymous source, identified only by her Twitter handle "@moonlyons", tweeted that your teammate Dynamite should not be worried about his sexual harassment case because logically he would never check out another girl lol. Are you worried?

JS: I am a little, Diane. Things get out of control when we're on the lanes. One minute we're calmly figuring out the nuances, the next thing you know we unleash a convoy of excellence. Many people have left TNT because we're too rowdy, and they want the freedom to not have any fun. It's easy for us because we're handsome, but bowling is serious business.

DS: At this point, what the fuck does this blog have to do with bowling?

JS: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, DIANE. NO, IT'S OVER

El Presidente Hires Pablo Lyons

Santa Monica, CA - On the eve of the birthday celebration in honor of Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, TNT despot El Presidente announced that he had hired Pablo Lyons as the new vice-president of his totalitarian regime.

"It is with great pride and trademark noncorruptionness that I announce the appointment of Pablo Lyons to the position of Vice President of Fairness for TNT," said El Presidente through the Cuban state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast. "As the best bowler in history, according to official Cuban records, I am looking forward to working on a daily basis with one of my most trusted advisors."

The move is sure to strike fear into the hearts of league members, as Pablo Lyons is the notoriously ruthless 20 year old illegitimate son of Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons. Legend has it that Pablo is so evil, within seconds after being born he started altering the scores of the Cedars-Sinai Doctors & Nurses bowling league. Upset with his son's lack of non-ruthlessness, a 16 year old Powderkeg underwent a controversial procedure to erase any memory of being the boy's father.

Mexican authorities have long suspected a tie between Pablo and Powderkeg based on Pablo's uncanny luck with the ladies. Rumor has it he has fathered 129 children of his own, including 16 year old Latin pop sensation MiniKeg. MK's first international hit, "Mi Abuelo Es El Powderkeg", contains many lyrics insinuating that he is the grandchild of Powderkeg.

"I've heard the song, no doubt," said Powderkeg to reporters. "I like the beat. If he is my grandchild then so be it. I just didn't think I could have a grandson since I didn't have any children. I always assumed my handsomeness could cross generational lines. Then I was reminded during the BDS spring meeting that I do in fact have a child, and his name is Pablo. And he's evil. And El Presidente just hired him. This is exactly what I thought was going to be the top story this week after hearing rumors during the spring meeting."

According to official TNT documents, Pablo Lyons will be in charge of recording scores each week, continuing a role he held in the Mexican Bowling Association as El Heado of Changingo Scoros Blatantlyo. It remains to be seen if this new scientific and pencil-written approach to scorekeeping will help El Presidente's team move up the rankings, as they currently sit in below last place.

In other BDS news, invitations went out this week to a birthday party honoring Back Door Santa captain my captain and official birthday boy, Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. The fete will be hosted by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris aboard his private jet, the befittingly-named "Johnnie Skymaster." In preparation for the event, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, recently installed a custom-built rollercoaster so that guests could enjoy a ride after snacking on an array of luxurious appetizers including manatee sliders, ancient salmon caviar, and buffalo eagle wings. The coaster, the felicitously-named Hackscraper, is 200 miles long and reaches speeds of 574 knots at its peak.

The event will also be a celebration of Shot Boy's recent wedding to Swiss starlet Desiree Armeenyfe-Tabon. Officiated by their friend Friar Hackosaur on the deck of HAYO in Cuba, the nuptials were the culmination of a whirlwind week-long romance that saw the happy couple travel the globe aboard Hacksaw's 200-foot lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil Soco". The couple were joined on their trip by Major League Baseball manager of the week, Mocha Hurricane Class 5, skipper of the first place Los Angeles Beer Frames. He entertained the lovebirds during the 3 minute (including bathroom breaks) voyage with his array of trick pitches, most notably The Headhunter.

"It's going to be a great party," said Hacksaw. "It will be a nice break for me, as I've spent most of this week engaging in one of my favorite pasttimes, ordaining ancient dinosaurs brought to life by ancient DNA and guile."

In injury news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish reported that he had been diagnosed this week with plantar fasciitis, known in medical circles as "the injury of champions" which afflicts such notable winners as Zydrunas Ilgauskas. The ailment, which fucking kills, comes at a bad time because Dynamite just lost 11 points on his handicap due to the unfortunate strategy of bowling better this season.

The injury was first reported on Twitter by an unnamed source, identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons". The tweets were printed this week by The Huffington Post (re-printed with permission).

"lol outside doctor's office. Looks lyke planter fashee-whatever lol"
"wait wut the fuck RT@dynamite foot hurts but congrats to Shot Boy and Mrs. Shot Boy"
"you won't be nootral for long bitch RT@desireetabon I luv chocolate and clint"
"lol i no rite @elpresidente pablo sure can fix a scorecard! i luv cheeting"