Santa Monica, CA -
Hackosaur, championship coach of Back Door Santa as well as the top scientist in his field, announced this week that he was hanging up his bowling hat for while, and he was going fishin.
"It is with much excitement today that I announce a sabbatical from bowling in order to focus my efforts on coaching Back Door Santa, the world's fastest-rising fishing team," said Hackosaur in a prepared statement. "While I know this decision will come as a surprise to the bowling community, the fact of the matter is that the sport I have loved for millions of years, since I invented it, has been over-run by cockbrains in Costco jeans, screaming bearded banshees, old people, and the dirty French. Fuck the French."
"Furthermore," Hackosaur continued, "bowling on Mondays is for assholes."
As the news rippled through the bowling community, fans of BDS stormed the gates of the residence of Francois Hollande, the current President of France, demanding that any and all French on US soil be captured and returned to France until they figured out which one was robbing the world of BDS.
"Zee fans of zee bowlingz, zey are very angry," said Hollande. "I vould like to zay to zee American peoples, pleaze do not judge all of uz based on zee ack-shunz ahv one dairty Frenchman, sis vous plais."
Sources close to Hackosaur said that over the course of this winter season, he had become increasingly frustrated with the direction of the league, going so far as to actually long for the days of El Presidente's totalitarian rule.
"El Presidente may have been corrupt, but at least he wasn't a fucking clown," said BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman. "I know I sure as hell didn't create Hackosaur out of ancient DNA and guile just so he would have to spend time with these people. I mean, fuck these people and fuck this place."
Recent developments in the ocean have made the decision easy for Hackosaur, sources said. In the past 9 months he's curated what experts say is the most powerful fishing team in the history of nautical sport, Back Door Santa.
"We play by our own rules, nobody else's. Not even our own," said BDS hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons. "There's only one thing on earth more powerful than my shimmy, and that's Hacksaw's Carolina Rig. Now it's time to see our potential. It will be easier to focus on cannibalizing the ocean food chain when we don't have to drive to Santa Monica on Monday nights for that shit."
BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon released a statement via a series of texts to his girlfriend, Jessica.
"Hey we r not bowling n e more"
"Yay! more time 4 texting lol"
"yes boo but my stupid friends want 2 fish do you want to fish?"
"No I am still recovering from missing u so much when u went camping"
"it was terrible they made me play wiffle ball and eat good food i miss you"
"lets never b apart"
"ok lets text and b in love lol rolf ttyl"
Monday, December 8, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
The Captain Downgrades
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| The New VP of Something Something |
In an effort to free up more time for the championship stretch, BDS Captain my Captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon has demoted himself to VP of Project Management for Back Door Santa, temporarily relinquishing the duties that come along with being The Captain.
"I realized that I was spending more time being The Captain and less time focusing on winning," said Tabon. "There's all kinds of red tape that come along with being The Captain, and I haven't even made any pizza pies this season."
The demotion comes at crucial time for Back Door Santa, as they go head to head tonight with first place Big Ern in what may be a championship preview.
"I mean look, I'm not even getting paid $2,000 to use a calculator for six minutes a week," VPCT continued. "I've worked for free and tried to push through a bunch of rule changes that would bring about more exciting competition to the league, but they're constantly shut down because they would benefit everyone instead of one asshole. So it's time to take on less responsibility and focus more on the mahogany."
As part of his new light duties, the VP will help BDS navigate a poisonous bowling environment, one in which everyone is getting ripped off, the lanes are complete piles of shit, and the rules never change unless it helps a league exec make up for his shitty handicap from the season before.
"I full expect a BDS championship, it's been too long," said the Veep. "We have DynaTyke coming in February, and the last thing I want is a cross to the chops because we brought him into a championship-free world."
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Hacksaw Weighs Options
Amen Corner, Redondo Beach, CA -
On the even of a new championship bowling season for Back Door Santa, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris is mulling his options and discussing with his advisors a plan to purchase the Pacific Ocean.
Rumors started to circulate about a deal this month when Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, purchased several acres of oceanfront property in Hermosa Beach called "Amen Corner" by the locals.
According to the Associated Press, the Pacific Ocean began searching for a buyer this month when it became unable to keep up with the demand for surf perch and walleye. Advanced metrics show that the fish supply was stable up until about 7am on Friday, April 18th, when a sudden increase in fish removed from the ocean threatened the marine ecosystem and extinction of the human race.
The AP stated that it may not be coincidental that the increase in fish removed occurred at the same time Hacksaw affixed his trademark setup, the Carolina Rig, to BIG NASTY.
"I've always loved fishing, and I don't want to contribute to the end of humanity," said Hacksaw. "That said, I had Hackosaur crunch some numbers, and he determined that the Pacific Ocean has been wholly mismanaged for centuries, and the right owner could make a few changes to get things running smoothly. The bottom line is that I don't have it in me to stop catching perch."
Hacksaw then debuted his latest creation, a 24 trillion horsepower fishing rod, the catchingly-named "COLD BLOODED", which weighs only 4 ounces. Its soconium-lined shaft is strong enough to to reel in fish up to 945 metric tons, and the line comes equipped with a laser targeting mechanism called Il Capitan, which allows the Carolina rig to casually glance across up to 498 million square feet of ocean surface and determine the optimal point to drop into the water.
"You don't purchase COLD BLOODED," Hacksaw continued. "You attempt to hold onto COLD BLOODED for dear life while it annihilates all marine activity around it. You politely ask if it would like to be cast into the ocean, after which you calmly remove your filet knife in preparation for the incoming fish. You don't want to reach for your knife quickly or make any sudden moves, because COLD BLOODED is a cruel mistress. If you startle COLD BLOODED, it's likely to turn its attention away from the ocean and ruin your life and everyone you love."
In other TNT news, the league tonight will consider banning "shrieky harlot" apparel from the lanes, in hopes that it will reduce the amount of undesirables in league play. The pending decision was met with a swift press release from Costco:
"Banning this apparel will negatively impact Costco and its popular line of designer Kirkwood mom jean shorts," said Costco. "There's no definite prove that wearing our jean shorts turns you into a piece of shit who steals money and cheats and gambling. I implore the TNT to reconsider this rule."
.JPG) |
| Hacksaw dominates Amen Corner |
Rumors started to circulate about a deal this month when Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, purchased several acres of oceanfront property in Hermosa Beach called "Amen Corner" by the locals.
According to the Associated Press, the Pacific Ocean began searching for a buyer this month when it became unable to keep up with the demand for surf perch and walleye. Advanced metrics show that the fish supply was stable up until about 7am on Friday, April 18th, when a sudden increase in fish removed from the ocean threatened the marine ecosystem and extinction of the human race.
The AP stated that it may not be coincidental that the increase in fish removed occurred at the same time Hacksaw affixed his trademark setup, the Carolina Rig, to BIG NASTY.
"I've always loved fishing, and I don't want to contribute to the end of humanity," said Hacksaw. "That said, I had Hackosaur crunch some numbers, and he determined that the Pacific Ocean has been wholly mismanaged for centuries, and the right owner could make a few changes to get things running smoothly. The bottom line is that I don't have it in me to stop catching perch."
Hacksaw then debuted his latest creation, a 24 trillion horsepower fishing rod, the catchingly-named "COLD BLOODED", which weighs only 4 ounces. Its soconium-lined shaft is strong enough to to reel in fish up to 945 metric tons, and the line comes equipped with a laser targeting mechanism called Il Capitan, which allows the Carolina rig to casually glance across up to 498 million square feet of ocean surface and determine the optimal point to drop into the water.
"You don't purchase COLD BLOODED," Hacksaw continued. "You attempt to hold onto COLD BLOODED for dear life while it annihilates all marine activity around it. You politely ask if it would like to be cast into the ocean, after which you calmly remove your filet knife in preparation for the incoming fish. You don't want to reach for your knife quickly or make any sudden moves, because COLD BLOODED is a cruel mistress. If you startle COLD BLOODED, it's likely to turn its attention away from the ocean and ruin your life and everyone you love."
In other TNT news, the league tonight will consider banning "shrieky harlot" apparel from the lanes, in hopes that it will reduce the amount of undesirables in league play. The pending decision was met with a swift press release from Costco:
"Banning this apparel will negatively impact Costco and its popular line of designer Kirkwood mom jean shorts," said Costco. "There's no definite prove that wearing our jean shorts turns you into a piece of shit who steals money and cheats and gambling. I implore the TNT to reconsider this rule."
Sunday, February 9, 2014
DynaGirl Discovers Ancient Origins of Hackcidil
 |
| Fig 1 |
In his weekly press conference with the Society of Ancient Medicine Discoverers, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that the powerful antibiotic synthesized by Hackosaur was actually developed by his ancestors thousands of years ago.
"Hackcidil is the most powerful drug on the planet," said Hacksaw. "It's done wonders for Hackawife, and I want to thank Hackosaur for filling the void where modern experts failed. However, recent evidence suggests that Hackosaur was not developing Hackcidil from scientific testing, but rather from ancient blueprints buried in his own DNA."
According to the Associated Press, sometime during the 2nd and 3rd game of the first week of TNT in January, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon went to check the time on his watch, simultaneously giving a casual glance towards Egypt, where he noticed ancient cave drawings buried 3 miles below the earth's surface. The drawings were quickly excavated and delivered to the Hermosa Beach estate of BDS, where Dynagirl had been studying ancient medicine synthesis in lieu of potty training.
According to Dynagirl's analysis, a prehistoric descendent of the Hacksaw family line, named Whiskers Hackopatra, identified the healing powers in the lead compound used to make Egyptian mailboxes. Limited to the primitive tools of the time, Whiskers grabbed an ancient saw and began cutting and cutting the lead compound until its molecular structure was broken down into microscopic bacteria-fighting organisms. The organisms where then brought to the town rabbit (see Fig 1, top left) who molded the organisms into a wooden plank. The rabbit then continued cutting them until they had reached maximum anger, ready to attack the world and any liver-fighting virus inhabiting it. The molecular structure of the Hackcidil was verified by the town raccoon, although parts of that evidence have been damaged over time and are thus off frame.
The results of Dynagirl's investigation were recently published by British author and Hacksaw family genealogist Richard Scarry in his book "What Do People Do All Day: If They Are Hacksaws, They Make Hackcidil."
"According to Dynagirl, Hackosaur didn't invent Hackcidil as much as he remembered how to make it, as the recipe has been ingrained in his DNA and the DNA of my family for thousands of years," Hacksaw continued. "Not the first time he was alive, but after I produced him with a combination of ancient Hacksaw DNA and guile. In conclusion, I'd like to thank myself for the improvement of my wife's condition, and I expect that after her full recovery, she'll want to have a long discussion about the time my niece Dynagirl found evidence of her medicine in ancient cave drawings discovered by my bowling captain while casually glancing eastward from Santa Monica."
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Report: Hackosaur develops super-penicillin to fight pneumonia
Santa Monica, CA -
The Associated Press is reporting that Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on anti-biotic optimization, has developed (in conjunction with The Marinara Panda, a hot new LA eatery that provided funding) the world's first "super penicillin" in an effort to fight a new dangerous strain of pneumonia attacking the Los Angeles area.
The powerful super penicillin, dubbed "Hackcidil" by the New England Journal of Medicine, is reportedly 4 trillion times more powerful than traditional anti-biotics, and is earth's best chance to defeat a Cuban-based strain of pneumonia that is terrorizing handsome Americans. Hackcidil was synthesized by Hackosaur this week in response to the news that his sexy Godmother, Hackawife, had fallen ill to the dangerous virus known as El Pneumoniadente.
According to the journal, Hackcidil is a powerful combination of traditional penicillin, two parts soconium, a dash of guile, four tablespoons of witch hazel, 5ml of cayenne, 4 puffs of StegaMaXXX, and 2 egg whites.
"This is the most sophisticated antibiotic I've ever seen," said the hilariously-named US Surgeon General, Rear Admiral Boris D. Lushniak. "It doesn't just cure you of El Pneumoniadente. It takes El Pneumoniadente out back and beats it like a bitch. It calls it names, if you will. 'Does your husband cause fevers?" is a question it might ask. Sure, El Pneumoniadente is a cute name; but make no mistake Billy: Given the chance, this virus will eat you and your entire family."
Hackosaur's research was funded by the good folks at The Marinara Panda, a brand new Chinese-Italian fusion restaurant in Los Angeles that won the first-ever Michelin 40,000-star rating.
"Hacksaw told me he had to skip bowling because Hackawife was feeling ill due to El Pneumoniadente," said MP's founder, captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "I was torn up - I don't like bowling without the avid fisherman. The news was wrecking my home life - I only made sweet love to my wife six times today. My poor boo. But she looked me in the eye and said "Baby, if there's anyone who can make a difference, it's the sexy husband of Alexandria Daddario-Tabon, the chick who just got naked on True Detective last night."
Doctors are so confident in the effectiveness of Hackcidil that they have already booked Hackawife to compete in next week's annual Hacksaw Triathalon, historically known as the world's most challenging athletic event. Contestants must complete a 2 mile ocean swim, a 100 mile bike ride, a marathon, and then eat 56 hot dogs in under 4 minutes.
"Hackcidil not only cures pneumonia, it also creates a super-human, if you will," Rear Admiral Lushniak continued. "Once her body is rid of the virus, Hackawife will continue to grow in power to the point that she will be a threat to all nations on earth. One of the main side effects is a complete lack of patience. Say for example, you came home in April and said to your wife, Honey we are now officially 3 years since our last bowling championship. And let's say, for argument's sake, that your wife was now a superhuman who was hopped up on a combination of cayenne, egg whites, and soconium. The phrase "epic beatdown" gets thrown around a lot these days ... my diagnosis is that you should just win a championship."
According to sources, BDS weak link Dynamite "Chris" Parish wrapped up recording this week of his new smooth jazz album, a 14 song set of soothing, sexy sounds entitled "Don't Kill Me Pussycat." The album's intended use is for emergency situations where your soconium-riddled superwife is coming at you with the power of a thousand Hacksaw-owned suns because you threw a 204 in the last game but were still swept by that lying shitbag Ryan Gallagher.
"There's not gonna be a big market for this record," said Dynamite. "But it's about the art, and saving my teammate from future beatdowns."
In other news, United States traitor Lisa "Deep Throat" Morgan held a protest outside Hackosaur's lab today after learning from the internet that a dinosaur, made from ancient DNA and guile, was playing God by making a new drug based on cayenne and egg whites.
And finally this week, TV's Carly Chaikin will be subbing for Hackosaur tomorrow night, with all proceeds going to her new charity, the Friends of Hacksaw Foundation.
"I was like, really moved," said Chaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family. "I mean like, every year, like, countless husbands get their asses kicked by like, I mean, like El Pneumoniadente survivors. It's like a real problem, and I was like, what can I do to help, you know. Anyway."
The Associated Press is reporting that Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on anti-biotic optimization, has developed (in conjunction with The Marinara Panda, a hot new LA eatery that provided funding) the world's first "super penicillin" in an effort to fight a new dangerous strain of pneumonia attacking the Los Angeles area.
The powerful super penicillin, dubbed "Hackcidil" by the New England Journal of Medicine, is reportedly 4 trillion times more powerful than traditional anti-biotics, and is earth's best chance to defeat a Cuban-based strain of pneumonia that is terrorizing handsome Americans. Hackcidil was synthesized by Hackosaur this week in response to the news that his sexy Godmother, Hackawife, had fallen ill to the dangerous virus known as El Pneumoniadente.
According to the journal, Hackcidil is a powerful combination of traditional penicillin, two parts soconium, a dash of guile, four tablespoons of witch hazel, 5ml of cayenne, 4 puffs of StegaMaXXX, and 2 egg whites.
"This is the most sophisticated antibiotic I've ever seen," said the hilariously-named US Surgeon General, Rear Admiral Boris D. Lushniak. "It doesn't just cure you of El Pneumoniadente. It takes El Pneumoniadente out back and beats it like a bitch. It calls it names, if you will. 'Does your husband cause fevers?" is a question it might ask. Sure, El Pneumoniadente is a cute name; but make no mistake Billy: Given the chance, this virus will eat you and your entire family."
Hackosaur's research was funded by the good folks at The Marinara Panda, a brand new Chinese-Italian fusion restaurant in Los Angeles that won the first-ever Michelin 40,000-star rating.
"Hacksaw told me he had to skip bowling because Hackawife was feeling ill due to El Pneumoniadente," said MP's founder, captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "I was torn up - I don't like bowling without the avid fisherman. The news was wrecking my home life - I only made sweet love to my wife six times today. My poor boo. But she looked me in the eye and said "Baby, if there's anyone who can make a difference, it's the sexy husband of Alexandria Daddario-Tabon, the chick who just got naked on True Detective last night."
Doctors are so confident in the effectiveness of Hackcidil that they have already booked Hackawife to compete in next week's annual Hacksaw Triathalon, historically known as the world's most challenging athletic event. Contestants must complete a 2 mile ocean swim, a 100 mile bike ride, a marathon, and then eat 56 hot dogs in under 4 minutes.
"Hackcidil not only cures pneumonia, it also creates a super-human, if you will," Rear Admiral Lushniak continued. "Once her body is rid of the virus, Hackawife will continue to grow in power to the point that she will be a threat to all nations on earth. One of the main side effects is a complete lack of patience. Say for example, you came home in April and said to your wife, Honey we are now officially 3 years since our last bowling championship. And let's say, for argument's sake, that your wife was now a superhuman who was hopped up on a combination of cayenne, egg whites, and soconium. The phrase "epic beatdown" gets thrown around a lot these days ... my diagnosis is that you should just win a championship."
According to sources, BDS weak link Dynamite "Chris" Parish wrapped up recording this week of his new smooth jazz album, a 14 song set of soothing, sexy sounds entitled "Don't Kill Me Pussycat." The album's intended use is for emergency situations where your soconium-riddled superwife is coming at you with the power of a thousand Hacksaw-owned suns because you threw a 204 in the last game but were still swept by that lying shitbag Ryan Gallagher.
"There's not gonna be a big market for this record," said Dynamite. "But it's about the art, and saving my teammate from future beatdowns."
In other news, United States traitor Lisa "Deep Throat" Morgan held a protest outside Hackosaur's lab today after learning from the internet that a dinosaur, made from ancient DNA and guile, was playing God by making a new drug based on cayenne and egg whites.
And finally this week, TV's Carly Chaikin will be subbing for Hackosaur tomorrow night, with all proceeds going to her new charity, the Friends of Hacksaw Foundation.
"I was like, really moved," said Chaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family. "I mean like, every year, like, countless husbands get their asses kicked by like, I mean, like El Pneumoniadente survivors. It's like a real problem, and I was like, what can I do to help, you know. Anyway."
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Hacksaw To Announce Polar Vortex Decision
 |
| Bambi Tabon enjoys the HAPPY |
The strong vortex, named HAPPY (HAcksaw Polar Precipitation Y-vent) began Sunday when Hacksaw reduced power from the sun by 50%.
At a news conference Saturday evening, Hacksaw discussed his reasoning with a media throng that frankly had been taking sunlight for granted.
"It's the dawn of a new bowling season, and I want to be in a situation where I'm not sitting in the warm sunshine losing focus," said Hacksaw. "I want to keep my wits about me, not drinking Mai Tais on the beach. Unfortunately, Hackosaur has yet to complete his new mechanism that helps us control exactly which parts of the earth will feel the impact of the reduced power, and thus there's a good chance that California will be as warm as it always is, and the historic cold will only affect parts of the US I don't give a shit about."
Critics of the plan are accusing Hacksaw of trying to punish US citizens for cheating on their sun taxes, while others theorize that he's been too busy with his new role on the FX series "Justified" to have fully vetted this idea with Hackosaur and his team of researchers.
"Justified" season 5 debuted last night to record ratings, as viewers tuned in to get a first look at a guile-y new character named Hack Longinthepants, played by TV's John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman. Longinthepants is a loose canon detective, and it remains to be seen if the rest of Harlan County will grow tired of his renegade ways. Longinthepants is teamed with his veteran partner Hackosaur Givens, a throwback to the Prohibition-era dinosaurs popularized by the golden age of Hollywood and a distant cousin of Raylon Givens. Hackosaur is one day away from retirement, but agrees to go on one last mission with Longinthepants aboard their fishing boat, the coincidentally-named "Live Forever."
"Hack Longinthepants is a character I was born to play," said Hacksaw. "He plays by his own rules, nobody elses, not even his own."
Meteorologist Jim Cantore said that while he's been thrilled with the performance of HAPPY so far this week, inside sources tell him that Hacksaw's decision to end HAPPY and save the world will likely come down to whether or not he makes a pizza pie tonight.
In other news, BDS hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons returned safely from his pilgrimage to Belize, known throughout the world as the spiritual center of the bowling community. ESPNBDS reported in early December that the team feared Powderkeg had lost his love of bowling, and thus the team put him aboard Johnnie Skymaster, and in early December + 3 seconds Powderkeg arrived in Belize to find his inner bowler.
And finally this week, the stars came out to get the first look at Hollywood's newest restaurant, The Marinara Panda, an Italian-Chinese fusion restaurant recently opened by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and his boo, Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence-Tabon. Fans of Italian-Chinese fusion dined on Marinara Panda specialties like Truffle Tso's Chicken, Kung Pow Parmesan, and Hot and Sour Gnocci. The most popular dish, Basil-Wrapped Dump Gulper Shark, is a medley of olive-oil sauteed basil wrapped around pieces of Dump Gulper Shark, the world's rarest, most endangered, and tastiest shark. Diners can expect to pay upwards of $40,000 just for asking if it's one of today's specials.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Report: Last Night's Victory Was Predicted 400 years ago
Santa Monica, CA-
Last night, Back Door Santa captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon delivered a tasty Italian pizza pie to help defeat a bunch of fucking assholes.
This morning, CNN is reporting that The Captain's performance was actually predicted 400 years ago by his ancestor, Somerville businessman Chong Tabonese.
According to reports, Tabonese left a diary of his predictions buried under one of the oak bowling lanes that used to comprise Beacon Street in Somerville. The diary was discovered last night during the predictable riots in Boston, where the locals took to the streets to celebrate their first World Series championship in 5 years by destroying private property and ruining the lives of those around them.
The diary, obtained by CNN's Anderson Cooper, has been deemed authentic by Harvard University as the prose matches that of other published works left behind by our nation's first and only Asian-Italian.
"This is without question the writing of Chong Tabonese," said Cooper. "He-a clearly predicts a pizza pie delivery from one of his future grandkids that will help defeat a team of dickheads."
CNN has published select excerpts from the diary:
30th October of the Year Sixteen hundred and 20:
"Hey, oh, why you no finish you egg roll, capice? It's Chong Tabonese here, I mean c'mon hey, I'm-a writing in my diary hee-ya. It's been a good day, you talkin' to me? Threw some balls on the lanes with this new guy, Nicholas Gunpowder, hey yo, he's-a fromma da Keg family. We had a little ah, how you say, chow mein eh? He's got a lotta kids, a lotta kids from that one.
And then this otha guy, Hans Hack, always with the dinosaur. 'I predict a dinosaur', always with his inventions. So I says to him "Hey I'm-a gonna hackpad you across the back side, you get me? Hey-o" anyway he's a good guy and his wife D'Gonny's a little piece of ah, how you say, panda express.
So anyways I'm there with the guys you know, and I'm like Hey yo, I have a feeling, I gotta feeling that someone descended from my Asian-Italian loins, he's-a gonna have a big day, he's-a gonna be making the pizza pies, you know? He's-a gonna be out there and there's-a gonna be danger, and it's-a gonna be in the form of a bunch of guys who are, how you say, fucking dicks. But my boy, he's a gonna rowah the boat, and he's a gonna make the pizza pie, and these dicks is gonna cry. Anyway that's a my prediction."
 |
| Chong tends to his brick oven in this undated photo |
This morning, CNN is reporting that The Captain's performance was actually predicted 400 years ago by his ancestor, Somerville businessman Chong Tabonese.
According to reports, Tabonese left a diary of his predictions buried under one of the oak bowling lanes that used to comprise Beacon Street in Somerville. The diary was discovered last night during the predictable riots in Boston, where the locals took to the streets to celebrate their first World Series championship in 5 years by destroying private property and ruining the lives of those around them.
The diary, obtained by CNN's Anderson Cooper, has been deemed authentic by Harvard University as the prose matches that of other published works left behind by our nation's first and only Asian-Italian.
"This is without question the writing of Chong Tabonese," said Cooper. "He-a clearly predicts a pizza pie delivery from one of his future grandkids that will help defeat a team of dickheads."
CNN has published select excerpts from the diary:
30th October of the Year Sixteen hundred and 20:
"Hey, oh, why you no finish you egg roll, capice? It's Chong Tabonese here, I mean c'mon hey, I'm-a writing in my diary hee-ya. It's been a good day, you talkin' to me? Threw some balls on the lanes with this new guy, Nicholas Gunpowder, hey yo, he's-a fromma da Keg family. We had a little ah, how you say, chow mein eh? He's got a lotta kids, a lotta kids from that one.
And then this otha guy, Hans Hack, always with the dinosaur. 'I predict a dinosaur', always with his inventions. So I says to him "Hey I'm-a gonna hackpad you across the back side, you get me? Hey-o" anyway he's a good guy and his wife D'Gonny's a little piece of ah, how you say, panda express.
So anyways I'm there with the guys you know, and I'm like Hey yo, I have a feeling, I gotta feeling that someone descended from my Asian-Italian loins, he's-a gonna have a big day, he's-a gonna be making the pizza pies, you know? He's-a gonna be out there and there's-a gonna be danger, and it's-a gonna be in the form of a bunch of guys who are, how you say, fucking dicks. But my boy, he's a gonna rowah the boat, and he's a gonna make the pizza pie, and these dicks is gonna cry. Anyway that's a my prediction."
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