Hacksaw Shuts Down LionsGate

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced on Thursday that he was shutting the doors at his LionsGate studios after multiple breaches of company policy.

This week the loose cannons at LionsGate booked BayShore Lanes for their company Christmas party, eliminating a TNT league week and potentially derailing the latest championship run by BDS.

In a prepared statement, Hacksaw said that he was "deeply troubled by the numerous violations at LionsGate".

"I'm tired of their renegade ways," said Hacksaw. "Without my consent, they booked a party for Christmas, a holiday I own, on a Thursday, a day I own, while observing the Theory of Relativity, which I own, and creating history in the process, which I also own. Furthermore, I own them. So that's it, I can't takes no more."

Further exacerbating the incident, the company party was booked at a lowly bowling alley even though Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, had offered up the 7th through 912th floors of his helicopter, the accurately-named "Hack-A-Whirl," to host the party. Sources inside the now-defunct LionsGate said that they booked the bowling alley as a means to show fiscal responsibility to the fat cats at Hacksaw Inc, and erroneously believed that fiscal responsibility was necessary in the biggest conglomeration the world has ever seen, according to Hackapedia.

With a full slate of movies and television shows in development, the future of many projects remains up in the air. However, it was announced that "Mad Men", formerly distributed by LionsGate, would now be developed over at Hacksaw's PBS studios, with the plot no longer being a group of 1960's advertising execs but rather a crack team of body guards who travel the world protecting a fun-loving yellow bird named Hack Bird. Who knows what kind of hi-jinks we'll see next season. Hi-jinks, what a funny word. Three dotted letters in a row.

"Really makes you think, chief," said an anonymous source.

Not really.

In other BDS news, the stakes are high this week for our handsome heroes as they must sweep a team of nefarious Cuban women in order to keep pace for a championship. It remains to be seen what impact the recent poor play of BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish will have on the proceedings.

"He's been consistently terrible this season," said team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "Not like, CONSISTENT consistent, but just really a piece of fucking shit."

In an effort to improve his game, sources said that Dynamite took a sabbatical this week to the ancient mahogany forests of the South Sandwich Islands off the southern coast of Argentina.

"I prayed to Mahogadon, the ancient Argentinian god of nuance," said Dynamite. "I asked him to give unto me the intangibles needed to overcome my pitiful play."

Hacksaw Purchases Theory of Relativity

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had purchased Einstein's Theory of Relativity and had already begun printing editions of Hacksaw's History Of The United States textbooks to reflect the purchase.

"I've always been interested in quantum physics, often burying my head in books while I perfected the correct guile ratio needed to resurrect Hackosaur," said Hacksaw.  "You hear scientists and news agencies throwing around the Theory of Relativity all the time, but nobody's making any money off of it. That's when the businessman in me gets to work."

According to Hackapedia, the theory of relativity was developed by German physicist and noted womanizer Albert Einstein and states that the measurements of various quantities are relative to the velocities of observers, and that space and time should be consider together with each other. Hackapedia goes on to note that Einstein later sold his theory to an un-named capitalist in the 21st century "known for his guile and vast wealth, and intangibles. And he had a dinosaur somehow."

As the owner of the theory, Hacksaw stands to make roughly $876 quadrillion dollars each fiscal year due to the usage tax each time the theory is observed by eligible parties - those being anyone observing anything anywhere at any time. However, due to the tax structure implemented by Hacksaw's accountant Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on spacial theory tax, there will be several provisions in the tax law exempting certain parties from this tax.

"We haven't hammered out the exact tax loopholes yet," Hacksaw continued, "but a good amount of that tax will be paid by goblins."

Hacksaw Purchases Thursday

Santa Monica, CA -

In an effort to avoid the impending fiscal cliff, the United States government had decided to leverage some of its assets as a means to pay of its debt, starting with this week's sale of Thursday to BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris.

"It's no secret that the Federal government is terrible at managing virtually everything," said House Speaker John Boehner, a noted dipshit. "We realized that a good way to decrease our debt would be to privatize the days of the week. While we lament the sale of Thursday, we also look forward to Hacksaw returning its status as the best day of the week."

According to sources on Wall Street, Hacksaw first learned of the possibility to acquire Thursday through his real estate agent, Hackosaur. He immediately dispatched Hackosaur to Capitol Hill aboard Johnnie Skymaster to hammer out details with the Federal government. Hacksaw was surprised to find that he was the only bidder.

FTC documents list the sale as a one-time payment of $97.6 trillion dollars, and the sale also includes an option-to-buy for Friday and leap year Tuesdays. However, since as of this writing Hacksaw is the only Wall Street trader for days of the week, he in effect controls the strike prices for any of the days, and thus could potentially add those days to his portfolio for zero dollars.

"With the economy in shambles, I wanted to add some inelastic goods to my array of assets," said Hacksaw at today's press conference. "I've made a good amount of money from owning the sun, but when times are tough, people always have the option to live underground and avoid paying my exorbitant sunlight fees. However, a human being literally cannot live without Thursday. You can't wake up on a Thursday and say 'What a wonderful Friday this is, I guess I don't have to pay my Thursday taxes'. Theoretically you could, but then you've got Hack Team 5 knocking on your door, and you can't hide from Hack Team 5. Look what they did to the guy who accused Elmo. That guy's dead now. Well - he will be dead, I don't have a clock in front of me." 

In other BDS news, Hacksaw also announced that his research team had developed a substance made from melded soconium that is 70 billion times stronger than Kevlar, perfect to be used in a vest that you would want to wear when you're worried someone might stab you in the back.

In unrelated news, former BDS ally and current backstabber Papas Fritas turned heel this week and announced that he was teaming up with his arch-nemesis El Presidente to form some sort of Cuban bowling super power built on their shared ideals of nefariousness. When asked to comment, Papas Fritas stated that "I wish the news were longer this week, but lo, if Dynagirl doesn't have 7 teeth coming in at the same time and fucking christ if I don't nap before bowling it's going to be a rough night."

Hacksaw Purchases Whole Foods

Santa Monica, CA -

A wild day on Wall Street concluded today with a savvy chain of events, beginning with Hacksaw Inc selling its shares of Johnnie Foodmaster to Whole Foods (WFM), then several hours later purchasing all shares of Whole Foods (WFM) and becoming the exclusive owner.

"In an effort to streamline the supply of organic hops to Häuksäuw, my investment team determined that it was in our best interests to purchase Whole Foods outright," said BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris in a statement to the Federal Trade Commission. "In order to minimize our outbound cash flow, we decided to liquidate our Johnnie Foodmaster holdings and sell our shares to Whole Foods. We then concluded that the next logical step would be to purchase all shares of Whole Foods."

According to sources, Hacksaw met throughout the night with his investment team, led by Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on stock trade haberdashery. They spent several seconds crunching numbers on their Hackpads, after updating the software to hOS v 124.3. Shares of Whole Foods opened Wednesday at $94, and jumped 10% to $103.40 once news spread that Whole Foods had reached a deal to purchase Johnnie Foodmaster. However, once more news spread that Hacksaw, as part of the deal, would not be a board member at Whole Foods, shares of Whole Foods fell dramatically to -$467. At this point, any shareholder has to pay someone to take shares off of their hands. After several seconds, an investment group led by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris arranged a deal to accept shares of Whole Foods from anyone willing to pay the balance of the shares plus a service fee of $19.95/share. That is, once a shareholder paid Hacksaw $467 plus $19.95/share, they were able to unload their worthless stock. Hacksaw was able to acquire all existing shares, a total of 184.67 million, making $3.68 billion dollars in service fees.

Once the news spread that Hacksaw had become the majority shareholder of Whole Foods (WFM), the stock price surged from -$467/share to $5,698/share - bringing Hacksaw's total profit for six seconds of trading to $1.118 trillion dollars (US).

"We're excited to welcome Whole Foods into the Hacksaw family of assets," Hacksaw's statement continued. "The synergy this deal brings - combining the fine organic hops along with the 4 million varieties of barley produced at Häuksäuw - will guarantee only the utmost quality of BDS Ale for the foreseeable future."

According to Hackapedia, the new and accurate source of US history, this was the most profitable purchase in United States history since 1803, when a group of investors led by Klaus Häuksäuw Von Guile acquired 828,000 square miles from France at the price of 3 cents/acre - nearly doubling the size of the United States at the time. The Häuksäuw Swindle (called the "Louisiana Purchase" at the time) included all of present day Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa, Oklahmoa, Kansas, Nebraska, and some other shit.

Hacksaw's first order of business after purchasing Whole Foods was to appoint his protege, DynaGirl, as the new CEO. Since she's only like 1, she will be mentored by Hackosaur until she reaches the legal age of 18, wherein she'll take full control of Whole Foods.

"This is not a puppet regime," said Hacksaw. "I trust the instincts of DynaGirl and she'll have full control of inventory of products. Whole Foods will continue to supply all of the foods she holds most dear, including organic spinach pouches, kale, oatmeal bars, more spinach pouches, yogurt, what you don't like yogurt pouches anymore? Ok how about this mac and cheese. No? OK what are you pointing at. You want your sippy cup? Yes? No? Now you want the yogurt. Yeah throw it on the floor, thanks. I'll pick it up again, this is a fun game."

In other news, the Associated Press released footage of two soconium-powered 18 wheelers leaving the grounds of Häuksäuw Wednesday night to begin the treacherous journey to Hermosa Beach for Hacktoberfest. According to reports, one of the 18 wheelers houses the two kegs of beer, and the other is a mobile transport for Hack Team Five, tasked with protecting the beer from thieves for rapid fans who get too close to the vehicle. The ales are scheduled to arrive in Hermosa Beach on Saturday morning, tapped during Opening Ceremonies while participants enjoy the Bloody Marys of Excellence and a hearty Guile Breakfast.

In yet other news, TMZ is reporting that BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon has filed for divorce from his boo of two months, Marissa Miller-Tabon, with the official reasoning being style cramping. Inside sources say that Miller-Tabon had been pestering Shot Boy for weeks to get an invitation to Hacktoberfest before displaying the necessary guile and accuracy desired in all attendants.

"I was brushing my teeth at my estate in Santa Monica," said Shot Boy to TMZ. "While applying toothpaste, I casually looked over my shoulder and noticed the official Hacktoberfest mugs recently delivered to Dynamite and housed in Hermosa Beach. It was then that I knew my wife was never going to love mahogany like I do."

And finally this week, the NCAA released its full schedule of championship games this week to be shown during Hacktoberfest, including:

Alabama vs LSU
Oregon vs USC
Michigan vs Minnesota

I mean holy shit HACKTOBERFEST IS GOING TO BE AWESOME. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DYNAMITE

Hacksaw Purchases American History

Santa Monica, CA -

Tired of the inconsistencies and half truths prevalent in the left-and-right wing media's portrayal of American history, TNT ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had purchased the entire American history.

"It's with great pleasure that I announce my purchase of the history of the United States of America," said Hacksaw during this week's press conference. "For too long, our precious schoolchildren have been forced to learn incorrect facts and flat-out lies that have been perpetuated by our irresponsible media and textbooks. The Hacksaw family has, for generations, kept detailed records of events and individuals who were influential in building this great land."

According to sources, Hacksaw reached his limit this past week when Ann Coulter of Fox News called the President a retard, without giving credit to some of the great retards who helped build and destroy this nation, like George W. Bush. He dispatched his trusted advisor, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on historical anecdotal actualization, to Washington DC to begin negotiations with Congress to purchase the entity of American history. Hacksaw was surprised to find that he was the only bidder, and the US Congress quickly accepted his offer of $46 trillion dollars.

Ivy League scholars across the land hailed Hacksaw's purchase as a victory for the factual accuracy and history of the United States.

"No longer will our schoolchildren be subject to the story of Johnny Appleseed," said incumbent Harvard President Drew Gilphin Faust. "Instead, they will learn the story of Hackie Mahogaseed, who traveled this great land on foot planting millions of mahogany trees with a dream that one day, every American would be able to realize his or her God given right to learn the nuances."

Textbook giant Simon & Schuster worked this week to advance copies of its new version of The History of the United States, complete with a finally accurate re-telling of the Boston Hops Party. According to the newly accurate version, citizens of Boston became enraged when the British crown sent only 4 million different kinds of hops to the colonies, far less than what was needed to brew BDS Ale for 1773's Hacktoberfest. The citizens banded together under the darkness of nightfall to throw the bushels of hops into the Boston Harbor, yelling "All hail Ye Olde Hacksawe and his merry brewers!". Aye, twas a good time.

The new textbooks also updated their factual information regarding the Teapot Dome scandal of 1922. During the scandal, members of President Warren G "Money" Harding's administration were convicted of taking bribes and handing out uncontested contracts to three US corporations who received the right to mine the lush mahogany forests near Teapot Dome, Wyoming. The corporations at the time controlled 99% of the US mahogany industry until 2010, when the industry was consolidated and sold to Hacksaw Inc for $1987 quadrillion dollars.

To celebrate his recent purchase, Hacksaw flew to Boston this week aboard Johnnie Skymaster to take part in a recreation of the Boston Hops Party. The Herald reported that Hacksaw had a wicked retahded toss of his first bushel, converting a 7-10 seagull split to the surprise of no one, and at one point reached an accuracy level of 13.47589694876 units, as measured by the HackPad 14.

In other BDS news, team captain my captain announced that filling in for Hacksaw this week would be league favorite Tara LaRue Johnson of the Center Against Nuance Scoreboarding (CANS).

"I'm quite pleased to help BDS this week, as is everyone associated with my CANS," said LaRue Johnson in a statement to the media. "Too often, TNT league matches are derailed by people who seem kind of nice but in actuality are just constantly watching the scoreboard like a bunch of bitches. We here at CANS strive to use our 'CANS-do' to prevent this sort of thing. You can be sure that my CANS will be on prominent display this week as I attempt to lure eyeballs away from the scoreboard and towards something a little more intriguing and bouncy."

BDS Hires Papas Fritas

Dynamite, Powderkeg, and Papas Fritas discuss strategy in Costa Rica

Santa Monica, CA -

TNT favorites Back Door Santa announced this week that they had hired exiled Cuban political prisoner Codi "Papas Fritas" Harris in an effort to thwart nefarious TNT despot El President's upcoming corruption.

According to reports, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was forced to take an emergency flight to Florida and check his son, notorious womanizer Cobra Kai, into rehab for allegedly getting drunk on Gutter Juice and having caesar salad with six ladies at the same time.

The trip could not come at a worse time for Back Door Santa, as the scores for October 18th have just been posted, and they narrowly lost to El Presidente 15-0 in four games.

In a statement released by the official state-run newspaper in Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, El Presidente commended the heart and intangibles of Back Door Santa, but said they were no match for El Presidente's prowess on the lanes tomorrow.

"Once again I have proved victorious," said El Presidente. "Tomorrow was a day like any other for me; I focused on the task at hand and threw to the best of my humble abilities. Back Door Santa tried valiantly to corral my endless array of strikes, but unfortunately for them, they were no match for me this upcoming Thursday."

In an emergency attempt to change the future, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish flew along with BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons flew aboard Johnnie Skymaster south to Jaco, Costa Rica to meet with the exiled Papas Fritas.

Fritas became world renowned as a professor of mahoganic science at Havana A&M University, even devoting substantial time to the El Presidente administration. However, things took a turn for the worse in 2011 when he published a scientific study stating that it's mathematically impossible for a bowler to record more than 300 pins in a single game, and questioned the authenticity of El President's numerous Cuban scoring records.

"Based on the long-standing rules of bowling, which are accepted by the World Bowling Federation, as well as basic principles of elementary arithmetic, I find it hard to believe that El Presidente, with all due respect, could bowl a 900 game," said Papas Fritas at the time. "I hereby suggest that our noble leader put an end to the traditional December 25th El Dia De El Presidente and return said date back to Christmas."

According to witnesses, El Presidente flew into a rage and had Papas Fritas imprisoned in a Cuban hot box until he promised to recant his 'devil numbers'. Not to be outdone, Fritas was able to escape the Cuban hot box by seducing the bevy of female prison guards with calm words, a twinkle in his eye, and how about some of this fine rum I happen to have here baby, you look like you could relax, no pressure, wow you're tense let me help you out with that. 

In order to ensure the safety of Papas Fritas during tomorrow's match, Emmy-winning entertainer Hack Bird has pledged the appearance of his personal security team, the Hack Bird Five. Anyone who comes within 7,000 yards of Papas Fritas must present identification proving themselves to be a member of BDS or a non-hobgoblin female.

In previously mentioned BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon boarded Yo Hacka Hacka this morning with his boo, Marissa Miller-Tabon, and flew to Florida to host an intervention for his son, the notorious womanizer Cobra Kai. Shot Boy was too distraught to give a statement to the gathering press, but his sex-fiend wife Marissa Miller-Tabon made herself available.

"It's just tragic, how a young boy could consume so much Gutter Juice," said MMT. "And then have these lades take advantage of him with their caesar salads. He's too young for sex."

Hacksaw Purchases PBS, Introduces Hack Bird

Santa Monica, CA -

In an effort to thwart Republican efforts to shut down PBS, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had reached an agreement to purchase the Public Broadcasting Network.

The announcement was made this morning at a press conference aboard Hacksaw's 200 ft luxury yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat", where Hacksaw also noted that he was changing the name of PBS' flagship show Sesame Street to Hacksaw Lane in an effort to engage the show with 21st century audiences.

"The annual cost per American to run PBS is $1.32. It's fucking ridiculous that Republicans have been threatening to shut down PBS for ten years. So fuck those fuckers, I bought it, and we're going to blow this shit out," said Hacksaw. "Hackosaur set up extensive focus groups this week, and we've made changes to some of the shows and characters in an effort to broaden our reach and of course profitability."

In one of the first changes, Hacksaw announced that Big Bird would now be called Hack Bird Presented by Johnnie Foodmaster.

"Mitt Romney is a fucking lying fuck, and fuck him for threatening to kill Big Bird," Hacksaw continued. "Well fuck him - now he can't because Big Bird doesn't exist. Instead, you'll have to aim your sights at Hack Bird, and good fucking luck getting through his security team."

Hacksaw also introduced the Hack Bird Five, a HAYO-trained assault force sworn to protect Hack Bird at all times. Each week the HBF will follow Hack Bird around as he teaches youngsters how to read, write, and hit their marks regardless of the degree of mahoganic difficulty. If an assailant so much as gets within 400 yards of Hack Bird, each member of HBF is prepared to shoot his or her soconium-powered 6 billion MM Gatling Hackers - capable of downing an adult stegosaurus from 6,000 yards in one shot, should the opportunity present itself.

In conjunction with the press conference, Hacksaw took the opportunity to introduce the shows slated for the PBS fall schedule.

Hacksaw Lane - The flagship of PBS for over forty years, Hacksaw Lane will continue to be produced by Henson Studios, albeit with 40,000 times the annual budget they had when publicly funded.  The new budget allowed for some upgrades to fan favorite characters, including Oscar the Grouch, who moves from a garbage can into a luxury 24 karat solid gold dumpster.

Soconium Company - Hacksaw hired director Martin Scorsese to revive the 70's show and adapt it to modern times.

The Hack Bird Hour - Hacksaw Lane veteran Hack Bird will host a one hour talk show with his new sidekick, Strikealupagus, a hairy elephant-like creature known for his deft touch on the bowling lanes. TMZ reported that the first guest on Hack Bird's new show will be BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, stopping by to dish 

Brewing With Uncle Hacksaw - BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, who recently purchased PBS, will host a new cooking show aimed at teaching youngsters how to safely brew their own beer.

PBS Cribs - Each week, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris will invite Americans into his various properties and estates during an intimate 30 minutes, highlighted by the first episode, when cameras were allowed for the first time on the sun.

Shot Boy's Halloween Special - A spooky hour that's not for the faint of heart, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon sits by the fireplace and tells the story of an evil goblin who fucking ruins everything, gee I wonder why we don't talk to you anymore.

PBS Nightly News with El Presidente - Airing at midnight, TNT despot El Presidente covers the news of the day and the various inaccuracies reported by the incompetent American media.

Where's Pablo? - This new show stresses fun and learning when a group of kids visit bowling alleys across the land searching for the mythical Pablo Lyons. When three side-by-side lanes show 7-10 splits after a ball hits the pocket, Where's Pablo? Weekly fun for the whole family, with sexy results.

My So-Called Hackosaur - A new reality show based on the life and times of a handsome dinosaur, revived in the 21st century by way of ancient DNA and guile.

Dyangirl Does/Does Not Bowl First 300 Game

Santa Monica, CA -

Tensions escalated this week at BayShore Lanes when replacement officials were unable to determine if Dynagirl bowled her first 300 game or not.

According to witnesses, Dynagirl threw what seemed to be the 12th strike of the game on lane 24, and replays clearly showed that all 10 pins were knocked down. The ref standing on lane 23 called it a 9, while the ref who was in the parking lot cleaning his shoes ran inside immediately and called it a strike.

"This has got to stop," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "TNT needs to come to a settlement with the regular refs. It's ruining the integrity of the league, and frankly it's ruining our season. Nobody wants these replacement refs around."

Sources have told ESPNBDS that acrimony has escalated between league members and the replacements refs as the season has gone on. As the refs have proven themselves incapable of making the right call and allowing the bowlers to have a good time, they have become increasingly angry and yelling at the bowlers all the time.

"I don't know how we got to this point," Shot Boy continued. "I mean it's not like the regular refs are fantastic. Rarely do they ever notice that there are two teams out there blue. That said, they didn't yell at us constantly and pick fights all the time. We used to show up to bowling, learn the nuances, smell the rich mahogany, and prepare for some bad calls.  As a team we've been able to overcome anything. I mean even if one of us bowled a 209, we could get past whatever happened as a result. But now we know the night is going to end badly no matter what. These refs hate that we love to bowl."

Reporters flocked to BDS' Hermosa Estate to interview BDS weak link and Official Dynagirl Father Dynamite "Chris" Parish and get some insight as to Dynagirl's mood after the unfortunate situation.

"She's beyond consolable," said Dynamite. "I mean imagine being 1 year old and having spent your entire life at the lanes, hoping for that 300. She was crying when we got home. I tried to talk to her, but all she did was point to stuff, I couldn't even make out what she was saying. I just agreed with her. 'Yes, that's a lamp.' 'Yes, that's Bella.' 'Yes, that's a door.' 'Yes that's the lamp again.' 'Yes, I think you're pointing outside, or possibly the door.' I mean, then she just took off running. Ran right into the wall, turned to see my reaction to determine if it was time to cry. Unfortunately, I had the slightest look of concern on my face, so she remembered that she was in pain."

Sources close to the situation told ESPNBDS that several league members flew to Cuba on Wednesday to meet with TNT megalomaniac El Presidente and implored him to settle the dispute with the regular refs. El Presidente then released a statement through Corruption Enthusiast, the state-run newspaper of Cuba.

"El Presidente has always prided himself in making decisions that are best for the league as a whole," the statement read. "However, even a fair and balanced philanthropist such as myself cannot influence human decision in this case. Unfortunately we should have never let these refs in the building from a logistics standpoint."

In other league news, officials at the Hay-O Clinic announced that they would debut this week a new seasonal version of the 2x4, their award-winning diet sandwich that has become the #1 selling foodstuff in the United States.

Having already helped millions of Americans lose trillions of pounds, the tasty sandwich is comprised of two one pound llama patties, four two pound beef patties, applewood-smoked bacon, mayo, garlic aioli, smoked apple bacon, gouda cheese, Miracle Whip, Canadian bacon, a pork chop, potato salad, organic arugula, Jimmy Dean's sausage, sausage gravy, and light balsamic dressing piled onto a 1/4 pound buttermilk biscuit.

The autumnal 2x4 will replace the 1/4 pound buttermilk biscuit with a 4 pound buttermilk waffle bun infused with a pumpkin bacon glaze. 

Millions Camp Out for Hacktoberfest Beer; Won't Get Any

Santa Monica, CA -

Financial analysts are worried that the world's largest recession may occur as millions of Americans have begun camping outside of the BDS Hermosa Estate in hopes of gaining entry into this year's Hacktoberfest celebration.

Known throughout as the world's most exclusive event, Hacktoberfest is the annual celebration of the barley and hop harvest from the fertile acres of Haüksaüw, a 7-trillion hectacre brewing facility owned by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris.

This year's Hacktoberfest is scheduled to take place on Saturday, November 3rd, and while that date is over six weeks away, many in line are hoping that they can at the very least catch a whiff of the historic ales being served, and possibly even gain entry into the event.

"There's no fucking way any of these people are getting into Hacktoberfest," said Hacksaw during a press conference at Haüksaüw. "I've said it a million times, but there are only two kinds of people who are invited: people as handsome as the members of BDS, or people who possess the championshipality of BDS. I have no idea what the fuck these people are doing - I mean there are millions of people waiting in line outside of Dynamite's house, and that must be true because you're reading this."

The Fed is concerned that this will adversely effect the economy as these people have left jobs and thus won't have any money to pump back into the nation's economy once they are ultimately turned away at the door. Furthermore, health insurance costs are expected to skyrocket as many of the hopeful miscreants will need treatment for hound bites - especially the slower individuals who were unable to outrun the hounds that will be released.

"I admire their hope," Hacksaw continued from Haüksaüw. "Without hope, there is nothing. I remember being a young lad, gazing at the sun from the 849th deck of Row The Boat, wondering if I would ever be able to own it. But now I own the sun - a star 93 million miles away from earth - and that must be true because you're reading this."

Anticipation for Hacktoberfest is at an all-time high after word leaked that this year's BDS Ale would have over 7 trillion different flavors, brewed to fully complement the palate and meant to be enjoyed along with Hacksaw's signature diet sandwich, the 2x4. The ale contains barley cultivated from the soconium-rich soil at Haüksaüw and is infused with a new spice, shotrika, recently discovered on the surface of the sun by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.

"I was on the roof deck of my new Santa Monica estate Saturday, and since I just moved in I haven't had time to install a clock," said Shot Boy. "Thus, I casually glanced at the sun and noticed what appeared to be a genus of spice historically unavailable on planet earth, so I alerted Hacksaw and we took a quick trip up there to investigate. The point is, I casually discovered a spice growing on the surface of the sun merely by glancing at it, and then in four days Hacksaw and I traveled to the sun and back to harvest the spice. We did it so quickly that nobody even noticed we were gone, but I don't see any scenario in which this didn't actually happen, just as sure as you're reading this."

In other news, TNT despot El Presidente released a statement concerning Hacktoberfest via the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast.

"The fact of the matter is, no matter what those dirty American financial analysts think, millions of people waiting outside for Hacktoberfest will have no impact on the economy," the statement read. "I estimate that 47% of those people are paying no taxes anyway. However, as a good will gesture, I will work together with league secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese to arbitrarily change league rules on a weekly basis."

In yet other TNT news, league secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese traveled to New York City this week to accept an award from the American Marketing Association. The AMA recognizes email marketers who have their "ear to the ground" and "finger on the pulse" of customers, those with the skills to use a "seemingly unrelated and private email list of bowlers" to "badger them about fucking cats."

"Dan has a strong track record of email marketing acumen," said AMA president and official BDS counsel First Captain Kevin Meister. "No matter how many times we've asked, he doesn't use the BCC function for league emails, which is literally right next to the CC function, regardless of what email program you're using. Using the nefarious BCC function negates one's ability to learn the thoughts and whimsical mental pastries of a fellow bowler, especially if you don't know who the fuck they are."

Report: Powderkeg Out Until October?

Santa Monica, CA - Healthy Relationship Magazine is reporting that BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons may be sidelined until October 4th because he has already bowled once this month.

According to sources, Lyons has been taking the advice of his personal sports psychologist, The Badger, and limiting his social endeavors to once per month in order to focus on changing the pesky bad habits he's formed in 37 years of literally everyone on earth enjoying his handsome presence regardless of the situation.

ESPN reported that the remaining members of BDS met at Plan B this week to discuss a fall back plan should Powderkeg be unable to participate in league games for three more weeks. It comes at a harrowing time for team change, considering the boys in BDS have always looked forward to the fall season, the greatest of seasons. Unfortunately, it seems as though the normally strong-willed Powderkeg, who pays for everything all the time with all of his friends and everyone else and lives in the United States of America, is powerless to stop the latest developments.

"The weekly wrap-ups at Plan B have been an integral part of BDS' success, and I should know because I've been there several times with the team, including the time I brought my wife's brother," said team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish, who has a wife and a daughter. "One of the most important moments in BDS history was the time we were at Plan B and Hacksaw casually mentioned that he had put in a bid on the sun. We couldn't believe it! Not that he was purchasing the sun, but that Hacksaw was at Plan B even though he's also married."

TMZ showed footage this week of BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon being consoled by supermodels as he struggled to figure out what he's going to do after bowling, now that he no longer has a good friend of his able to go to Plan B with him.

"He's really upset, I'm doing everything I can, but at some point I have no more clothes left to remove," said Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Marissa Miller-Tabon. "Sometimes the most important thing for my boo is knowing he can give his all in that third game because shortly thereafter he'll be at Plan B with Powderkeg banging a ton of random chicks all night. I think they call it "caesar salad" but it's definitely a euphemism for banging a ton of sluts. That's what you do at Plan B, even if your girlfriend is hot and you like her and have made that quite clear on numerous occasions, and evidence points to you not being the axis of evil."

 In other news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris was in New York this week for the Men's Health Awards, where he picked up a trophy for the 2012 Top Healthy Innovation, the 2x4 sandwich.

The tasty sandwich is comprised of two one pound llama patties, four two pound beef patties, applewood-smoked bacon, mayo, garlic aioli, smoked apple bacon, gouda cheese, Miracle Whip, Canadian bacon, a pork chop, potato salad, organic arugula, Jimmy Dean's sausage, sausage gravy, and light balsamic dressing piled onto a 1/4 pound buttermilk biscuit.

"We've gotten a lot of feedback from our customers at the Hay-O Clinic that they appreciate the 1/4 pound buttermilk biscuit in lieu of bread," said Hacksaw. "A biscuit does a better job of soaking up the dripping from the 3 kinds of vitamin-packed bacon. A lot of entries this year tried to needlessly fill the sandwich with ranch dressing and other empty calories, but that's now how we do things at Hay-O."

Dynamite Enters Rehab

Santa Monica, CA -


On the even of their 2012 Fall Championship season, Back Door Santa has sent their weakest link, Dynamite Chris Parish, to an outpatient rehabilitation center so that he can recover from the disastrous effects of his controversial weight loss regimen.

In the six weeks leading up to his wedding in early August, Dynamite lost 20 pounds by eating less, running every day, and cutting back on his alcohol intake.

"He figured that since he lost 20 pounds by eating 3 small meals a day, not drinking every night, and running all the time, he could double his weight loss by doubling the meals and drinking. Essentially he has spent the last month eating whatever the fuck he wanted, drinking a shit ton of Jim Beam, and running zero. Surprisingly this plan backfired," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.

Reports out of BDS training camp detailed a fat, slow, lethargic Dynamite who seemingly has been unable to control his caloric intake, can barely stay awake, and has lost control of his nuance detection due to the grease between his ears. He's been so lazy that he forgot to upgrade the hOS on his HackPad; had he done so, the HackPad would have definitely calculated that he was going about his training regimen incorrectly.

"I will be god damned if we lose the championship this season because that fat ass is just a big piece of shit," Tabon continued. "Fall season is our favorite season and we have lofty goals. I mean that lazy fuck only just found his dirty socks in his bowling back this morning - socks that he wore on July 19th. They have been sitting in his bowling back since July 19th. That is the last time he bowled, 20 pounds ago. I mean holy shit."

Dynamite was picked up this morning and driven to the Hay-O Clinic, the world's newest and top weight rehabilitation center, located on the remote 39th floor of Hacksaw's luxury yacht, the aptly-named Row The Boat. The Hay-O Clinic boasts a 14 story disco nightclub, an 800 acre llama farm, a 7 mile motorcross track, as well as 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.

In other news, Hacksaw announced that he had reached a deal with The Cheesecake Factory to open a chain of restaurants at the Hayo-O Clinic.

"One of the top goals of the Hay-O clinic is to provide food to the patients," said Hacksaw at a news conference. "Now I didn't do a whole lot of research on the nutritional value of Cheesecake Factory meals, but it's no surprise that they were itching to brand themselves with the Hacksaw name."

Early blueprints show that there will be a Cheesecake Factory located in each of the 967 wings of the clinic, and they will serve their new signature dish, the "2x4". The tasty sandwich is comprised of two one pound llama patties, four two pound beef patties, applewood-smoked bacon, mayo, garlic aioli, smoked apple bacon, gouda cheese, Miracle Whip, Canadian bacon, a pork chop, potato salad, organic arugula, Jimmy Dean's sausage, sausage gravy, and light balsamic dressing piled onto a 1/4 pound buttermilk biscuit.

"A lot of people would just throw ranch on there, but we're a diet center so we've got to respect the needs of our patients," said Hacksaw.

Hacksaw Donates $40 Trillion To Mahogany State University

Santa Monica, CA -

As a token of appreciation for her dedicated training during the first year of her life, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has given a grant of $40 trillion to Mahogany State University in the name of his most gifted protege, Dynagirl.

Founded in 1420, Mahogany State University was originally called Universidad De Afonso Goncalves Baldaia, named after the famous Portuguese explorer who spent much of the 15th century searching the African coast for the finest mahogany the world had to offer at the time. Most historians suggest that Baldaia constructed the first modern bowling lanes in Cape Bojador, the physical barrier which European sailors had long considered the non plus ultra of navigation. Baldaia, however, found the prospect of African mahogany too enticing to ignore.

Anyway so Universidad De Afonso Goncalves Baldaia was located in Portugal until 2011, when Hacksaw purchased 6 of the 29 counties in Portugal and had it shipped over to its current location, Century City.

Magohany State is led by its dean, Sir Dynamite Chris Parish, who directs the world's largest research facility dedicated to mahogany identification. The 40 million square foot laboratory houses samples of all 80,000 known genus of mahogany throughout the world, keeping detailed logs of the performance, viscosity, and nuances of the hardy wood.

"I would like to thank the honorable Hacksaw for this generous donation," said Dean Sir Dynamite Chris Parish. "This injection of funding will help us further our research into the environmental and socioeconomic ramifications of mahoganical biostructure. I would also like to thank my daughter Dynagirl for being a dedicated student of the game, constantly crying the last month whenever I wouldn't let her train aboard Yo Hacka Hacka."

Sir Dynamite then detailed his intentions for the funding, unveiling plans for a $75,000 Hackpad app aimed to provide bowlers with real-time mahogany detection abilities.

Unidentified Actress Leaves Tom Cruise for Powderkeg

Santa Monica, CA -

As they make their annual summer championship run, TNT darlings Back Door Santa have been burdened by intense scrutiny ever since it was announced that an unidentified Hollywood starlet was leaving her husband, Tom Cruise, to be with Powderkeg.

On Tuesday, Hackosaur was forced to make an emergency landing of Yo Hacka Hacka during a routine training session with DynaGirl after TMZ hired a Lear Jet to follow Hackosaur, hoping to get a comment on the Hollywood scandal.

According to the National Enquirer, the unnamed actress had her lawyer, First Captain Kevin Meister, serve Cruise with divorce papers citing the usual circumstances, "irreconcilable differences between you and Powderkeg." The Enquirer reported that the actress had been using a pre-paid cell phone to make the calls to FC Meister, afraid that Cruise and the Church of Scientology were tracing her calls. Luckily for the actress, all pre-paid cell phones sold to women come pre-programmed with FC Meister's home, cell, and fax number.

Cruise and the anonymous actress reportedly agreed to divorce terms in a matter of days to hopefully avoid a prolonged and messy divorce. Sources said that written into the terms of the divorce, the actress is prohibited from discussing publicly or privately one of the most contentious moments in their marriage, and what sources said was the final straw for the unidentified actress - their most recent bowling trip.

According to the staff at Lucky Strike Lanes in Hollywood, on Saturday January 17th, Cruise and his wife arrived for a couple of games. Things devolved quickly when Cruise's glaring lack of consistency finally drove his wife to the brink. After Cruise mistook the rich Salvadorian mahogany of Lucky Strike Lanes as a run of the mill cherrywood, his anonymous wife reportedly screamed "I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be?" To which Cruise responded "I DON'T WAHNT ... YORE LAHF", storming out of the bowling alley and almost tripping on Paul Walker's crutches before being stabilized by star wide receiver Scott Caan.

FC Kevin Meister met with reporters to address allegations that a relationship had been developing for some time between the unidentified actress, going as far as TMZ showing photos of the actress, Powderkeg, and her daughter Suri Lyons taking in a a MiniKeg concert.

"Now, I'm no big city lawyer," said FC Meister, reading a prepared statement. "But it seeeems to meee ... when you have a bull by the horns, you have a pin by the lanes, you have a dream of things to come. There's absolutely no truth to the rumor that Powderkeg is in fact the father of Suri Lyons. There's a really good chance that he is though, I cannot be more clear on that."

In other BDS news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he's reached a deal to purchase the South American rain forest for a cool $640 billion. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, was on a remote piranha fishing trip south of Rio De Janiero last week, an annual retreat wherein Hacksaw can only catch the deadly fish with a combination of bare hands and guile.

"I've been disturbed this summer season by a glaring lack of consistency in the quality of the mahogany at Bayshore Lanes," said Hacksaw. "I mean, you buy mahogany from street dealer, you never know what you're getting. So I said, you know, why don't I just buy all of the mahogany."

This week, each lane at Bayshore was replaced based on Hacksaw's exact specifications with wood from his own personal world's largest rain forest. In keeping with voodoo tradition, Hacksaw did not personally determine the most accurate mahogany for each lane; it will be up to he and his teammates to determine the exact type and origination of mahogany on each lane, so as not to overshadow the importance of nuances.

Report: Dynamite Says "Fuck It", To Wear Cut Off Sweat Shorts

Should improve game, allow more room for torque, analysts predict.

Powderkeg Hires Famed Sports Psychologist

Sports Psychologist Cobra "Kai" Tabon with one of his students

Santa Monica, CA -

In an effort to overcome his poor play this season, Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons has hired famed Florida-based sports psychologist Cobra "Kai" Tabon to consult him for the remainder of the TNT season.

Witnesses reported Cobra arriving in Los Angeles last week to begin grueling sessions with Powderkeg in an effort to rid PK of a serious case of what analysts call "The Goblins."

"It's clear that Powderkeg is suffering from The Goblins every time he steps up to the lane," said ESPNBDS' John Clayton this morning on First Take People Yelling. "That's when, instead of throwing a perfectly accurate ball, you instead want to kill yourself and curse God for letting something so awful exist on earth."

Cobra Kai is known throughout sports circles as the best in the business, able to use his tried and true methods of guilacity and Gutter Juice pacing to help even the most mentally unstable bowlers overcome cerebral hurdles, such as The Goblins.

Gutter Juice, a 750-proof energy beverage powered by the rings of Saturn, is a a potent mixture of PowderBull, absinthe, and guile. It clears the mind and heightens the nasal senses, specifically mahogany-detection. It is also the most addictive substance on the planet, packed with a male pheromone so powerful that any female within 400 yards becomes instantly pregnant with triplets.

Some skeptics have wondered if Cobra Kai's training will have any effect on Powderkeg, as it's well known that it's been less than a year since Powderkeg was sent to rehab after a week-long Gutter Juice bender the last time Cobra Kai was in town. However, it was determined by the other members of BDS that it was their last chance to harness the old Powderkeg in time to make a championship run this season. Also, Cobra promised to stay the fuck away from Dyangirl.

The last remaining hurdle in Powderkeg's treatment is that Cobra typically schedules his therapy sessions with clients on Tuesdays, but that would result in two social events in the same week for Powderkeg, which I mean is just crazy, even for a selfish bastard.

In other BDS news, official team daughter Dynagirl looks to head back to the training lanes of Yo Hacka Hacka this weekend after a ten day illnes. Doctors reported that the heightened fussiness were the result of a 104 fever, a sure sign of cerebral cuban hotbox.

BDS: Moving to Premier League?

Santa Monica, CA -

TNT secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese refuted reports this week that his league's top team, Back Door Santa, would be moving to the English Premier League for the start of the 2012-2013 season, however reports came out from London that BDS would take the place of West Ham United, who is being relegated to First Divison.

According to top level EPL officials, BDS team owner and head coach Hackosaur flew to the UK and back this week aboard Johnnie Skymaster between the hours of 9am and 9:15am Tuesday to begin discussions about a relocation for his bowling team. Michel Platini, the UEFA president, told reporters on Sky Sports that Hackosaur was researching other options for BDS that might prove more of a challenge than TNT. 


"It's no surprise that the handsome lads in Back Door Santa would be looking to join the world's top competitive league," said Platini. "I find it hard to believe that even Wayne Rooney could perform the way Dynamite did last week, in a Cuban hot box no less. One might argue that success in a bowling league is absolutely no indication of one's skill level on the pitch, but we're talking about four of the world's finest athletes."


Platini continued that BDS would play home dates at the newly completed $400 trillion dollar football and Formula 1 center, the cheekily-named Bangers & Hack. Built on a whim by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, B&H will also host the first ever Formula 1 race on a track made not from asphalt, but Uruguayan mahogany from deep within the forests of Tacuarembo. 

Some racing analysts are worried about the safety of driving a vehicle 200 mph on a surface with absolutely no traction, but insiders say that most F1 racers are looking forward to the luxurious feel and smell of the South American wood, and understand that a likely 100% crash ratio is a small price to pay for said luxury.


Aside from its mahogany-based racing track, B&H also boasts a 40 billion gallon tropical fish aquarium, a fifteen-story rock climbing wall, the Grand Canyon, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. Spectators can treat themselves to the famous white tiger tacos served at El Presidente's, a Cuban-themed restaurant and interrogation center located on the 7th concourse.


"I was looking for a monument that symbolizes the difference in talent between BDS and the other teams in the league," said Hacksaw. "I felt that the Grand Canyon was a good choice, so I contacted the US Parks Department and inquired about the possibility of purchasing the finest natural monument in the United States and moving it to my new soccer stadium in England, a country that 300 years ago made every attempt to maintain rule over the American people and deny them the freedoms we take for granted today. I was surprised to find that I was the only bidder."

Report: Dynamite stuck in Cuban hotbox

Parts unknown - Our handsome leader of all things newsworthy has been kidnapped. He was able to escape anonymous nefarious clutches just long enough to post the usual good luck news story. He sent a telegram from some sort of Cuban hotbox that is planning to travel to Bayshore Lanes tonight. All hail the fair and non-kidnapper El Presidente. HAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

BayShore IPO Costs Investors Billions

Santa Monica, CA -

Investors were reeling this week after the highly anticipated BayShore Lanes initial public offering not only failed to deliver, but fell 50% below its initial $38 offering after a day of trading.

Market investors rushed to dump BayShore shares as Morningstar downgraded its rating to "Z minus minus", culminating in one of the biggest IPO disasters in Wall Street history.

The initial offering started swimmingly on Thursday as the price soared above $10 million/share based on that day's performance of Back Door Santa, known to be the most valuable asset in the Bayshore engine. However, at roughly 9:30pm, Bayshore was infiltrated by a nefarious unknown assailant, known on Wall Street as "The Wet Blanket." Initially identified as an accomplice to the corrupt El Presidente, it was later determined that no amount of corruption would cause a handsome despot to associate with people who are fucking awful.

According to eye witnesses, members of the Bayshore board of directors convened in the lounge shortly after the end of that week's bowling matches; as the board members typically enjoy each other's company, as well as are Americans and thus can choose with whom to spend time and on whom to spend money, and thus made the decision - as was their right as Americans - to enjoy some festivities by invitation only. Things were going according to plan until as is often the case, someone had to fucking ruin it because fuck you, that's why. But I'm sure this week it will be all Hey buy me shots haha I'm fun right? Yeah I'm fun buy me shots that's what you do right you're the guy who buys everyone shots hey why are you talking to her. There is not one god damn ounce of self-awareness anywhere in my brain.

So anyway like, so Bayshore had an IPO - but around 9:32pm, word got back to investors on Wall Street about the nefarious Wet Blanket, known for destroying a company's value from the inside in a matter of seconds.

"Typically, investors are scared off when there is an indication that a company lacks the strength to maintain long-term profits," said Jim Cramer of CNBC's analysis show 'Cocaine Cowboys'. "Often times even the strongest company cannot survive when infiltrated by a rogue plague - in this case, someone who's idea of a good time is a night in the Cuban hotbox."

In other news, this reporter just got pissed off thinking about this whole incident, and is going to take some time in the English hotbox to prepare for tonight's match HAYOOOOOOO

Hackosaur Investigates "Cuban Hotbox"

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, tired of one bullshit thing in TNT after another, dispatched his trusted adviser Hackosaur to investigate suspicious activity from last weekend's team post bowl.

According to TNT inside sources, league despot El Presidente announced during week 1 that week 2 was canceled due to some sort of nefariousness. However, once it was determined that the entity of Back Door Santa had made other plans, suddenly league bowling was not canceled. Thus, those handsome devils in Back Door Santa were forced to post-bowl on a Saturday in order to comply with the incredulous league secretary Tony "Dan" Cortese, who apparently never does anything ever that isn't bowling and as such was quite surprised that BDS was able to make alternate plans for a Thursday with only six days' notice.

Witnesses say that BDS showed up early on a Saturday morning, and almost immediately after the appearance of noted misanthrope and league Vice Presidente Ravi P. Coltrane,  the temperature at Bay Shore Lanes reached a staggering 174 degrees, making it virtually impossible for the lads to post any sort of acceptable score. This phenomenon, known as the "Cuban hotbox", is described by scientists and law enforcement as an incident where the temperature inside a building reaches heights deemed virtually impossible to occur naturally; for example, when the temperature outside is 62 degrees and the temperature in the bowling alley is 174 degrees, and there is a high level of noted co-horts of El Presidente in attendance, who are bowling right next to you even though there are 22 other lanes open.

"The Cuban hotbox blurs the nuances and warps the grains in the mahogany," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "You may be bowling on the slick sturdy surface of a mahogany originating from Vaca Del Mar in Paraguay, but the heat creates a malleability in the wood that makes it perform, while in a Cuban hotbox, as though it's from the dense forests of Lago de las Tacones from Port-of-Spain. Obviously in this situation it's going to take more than a game to calibrate, and as soon as we figured out the accurate calibration, they turned the heat up higher."

In response, Hacksaw assigned Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on abnormal heating practices originating from the Caribbean, to the investigation in hopes that damning proof could be found to implicate El Presidente and give BDS a chance during a young summer season that's already seen a roughly 4,000% increase in fucking nonsense.

Hackosaur researched the Cuban hotbox phenomenon and determined that during each instance in history, there were several thematic constants:

- some sort of last minute scheduling change, enabling nefarious parties to deliver necessary equipment to a location

- stickyness applied to the floor of all bowling lanes so that bowlers are forced to use the lanes positioned at the apex of the heating equipment

- a corrupt league official, in this case Ravi P. Coltrane, in attendance to ensure the heating equipment is at full functionality

- a complex score rigging system, often found in Cuba, to inflate the scores of the opponent's bowling team to a hilarious level given that we witnessed them attempt to bowl the week before

- a series of suspicious road closures and traffic jams to ensure late arrival of Powderkeg, who is never late for non-airport driving reasons

In other news, the news desk didn't realize the time until just now and has to drive to bowling HAYO!!!!

BDS Plan Annual Retreat To Prepare for Summer Championship

Mt. Hackhorn, CA -

The Associated Press is reporting that the members of Back Door Santa will take their annual retreat this weekend in order to prepare for their 2012 TNT Summer Championship.

According to sources, the handsome fellows will spend Saturday on the peak of Mt. Hackhorn, the most remote area of North America. Located above the foothills of La Cañada, Mt. Hackhorn is an estimated 332,000 feet from Bay Shore Lanes.

BDS will be staying in a rustic log cabin mansion built by team ringer and outdoor enthusiast John "Hacksaw" Serris. In an effort to champion his cause to increase environmental standards worldwide, the ruggedly-named Hacksaw Arctic Yard Observatory (HAYO) was constructed with all organic materials, including 80,000 different mahogany logs, one for each breed of the fine wood found in the world. The front door, for example, is comprised of a 7 foot thick piece of mahogany grown only in Quintero, Chile on Boulevard De Calcetìnes.

In order to reduce the carbon footprint, HAYO is powered by 32 trillion solar panels, which collect energy from Hacksaw's sun and use said energy to power 14,000 fans which blow carbon emissions towards San Bernardino and other places nobody gives a shit about. As a means to preserve as much of the natural habitat as possible, Hacksaw broke from the style of his other properties and installed a mere 13 bowling lanes built to his exact specifications. Each one is surrounded by a 4 billion kilowatt electric fence that can turn any bird or mountain lion that gets within 200 yards of the lane to vapor in 2.5 nanoseconds.

Mt. Hackhorn was discovered by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon while he was hiking the trails of Siberia; while looking for his emergency bottle of SoCo, Shot Boy casually glances to the southeast and noticed an uninhabited summit miles away from Santa Monica. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, immediately dispatched his real estate advisor, Hackosaur, to appraise Mt. Hackhorn.

"I sent Hackosaur up to the La Cañada civic center to make a deal. As the world's foremost expert on alpine summit purchases, he did his homework and made an offer. We were surprised to find we were the only bidder," said Hacksaw.

The spring weather at Mt. Hackhorn is cold and fierce, where nighttime temperatures rarely get above 50 degrees Farenheit. As such, each member of BDS will be equipped with boots made from the ankle hairs of 231 week old barbary servals, an endangered species on the brink of extinction in Algeria. Harvesting of the hair from the barbary servals during the limited window is difficult, and some say completely unnecessary, as the ankle hair of a 231 week old barbary serval provides no greater warmth than a $25 pair of boots from Target. Environmentalists also argue that while the Hacksaw Barbary Serval Harvest Alliance traditionally rewards each animal for its troubles by bequeathing unto them a $25 gift card to Johnnie Foodmaster, the barbary servals often lose these gift cards because they don't have any pockets in which to carry the gift cards.

The HBSHA refuted those claims this week, stating that while gift cards are not as valuable to the consumer as a simple cash payment, nevertheless the are of value and it's not up to the merchant in these situations to take responsibility for the financial situation of a barbary serval. I mean that's just ridiculous. 

BDS Sweeps Hacky Awards

Santa Monica, CA - The stars came out last night in Santa Monica for the 1st annual Hacky Awards, the heralded ceremony that marks the end of the winter bowling season and celebrates outstanding achievement in the field of excellence.

The Hackies are the brainchild of BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris as a way to commemorate the spring harvest, as well as provide a measuring stick by which all guile across the land can be compared.

The biggest award of the night, Team Most Likely To Administer A Beat Down To That's How We Roll, was given to Back Door Santa amid thunderous applause and topless women.

"I'd like to thank the voters all across the land, the sun, and Mars," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "We don't necessarily bowl to win awards, but we do bowl to win, and then typically as a result of that winning, we win awards. So congratulations on voting correctly."

In what was possibly the highlight of the night, Fast Jerry Kaufmann raced Lil' Soco around the world, with proceeds going to the Hacksaw Foundation, a non-non-profit focused on helping youngsters in third-world, non-Hacksaw-owned countries calibrate. The race was tight at first, as Lil' Soco and its 7 billion horsepower soconium-fueled engine was initially able to keep pace with the 73 year old Kaufmann, but in the end the vessel was no match for the inhuman speed of the world's fastest bowler.

With Back Door Santa sweeping the awards, the only drama of the night came during the arrival of TNT despot El Presidente, fresh off his termination from the University of Arkansas. According to reports, El Presidente was riding his big wheel last week with a 25-year-old engaged female staff member, when the big wheel crashed into a meeting room where El Presidente was prepared to be secretly taped imploring the New Orleans Saints to tear Frank Gore's ACL, much like he did when a coach for the Washington Redskins. When asked by police if there was anyone else on his big wheel during the big wheel crash, El Presidente commented on record that he was a big fan of Fidel Castro, because everyone hates him yet he's been in power for 60 years. He then said that Tim Tebow sucks, except wait now he's good and the Broncos should keep him, but wait they should get rid of him, ok good was this a good move for the Jets, he's terrible though so Mark Sanchez has nothing to worry about, but the point is it must have been hell for anyone watching ESPN this week.

A full list of the night's winners below:

Most Handsome: (tie) Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, John "Hacksaw" Serris, Dynamite Chris Parish

Most Consistent - Lifetime Achievement: Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons

Fastest Learner (Nuances): John "Hacksaw" Serris

Mahogany Identification: Dynamite Chris Parish, Cyborg

2012 Best Tech Innovation: Hackpad (10g version)

Highest Average, under-1 division: Dynagirl (299)

Most Disappointing, under-1 division: Dynagirl

Best Closing Ration, Season: Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon (41%)

Best Closing Ratio, Last Season: Dynamite Chris Parish (80%)

Least Tacos Eaten: Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons

Best Listener: Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons

Fisherman, Most Avid: John "Hacksaw" Serris

News Desk Changes Delay News

Hermosa Beach, CA -

The Associated Press reported today that a variety of calamities have befallen the Hermosa Beach Times, the official handsome-run newspaper of TNT.

According to reports, major changes are happening to the staff tasked to monitor DynaGirl's activities, with these changes reportedly happening within the next two hours, whenever they get back from the bowling practice facility. Sign-off on the staffing change was given at the 11th hour last night by Coach Hackosaur via the flexible spending form approval necessary to ensure there would be no tax chicanery. This is the first major staffing change on DynaGirl's team, and highlights one of the main inefficiencies at the HBT, mainly that the reporter in charge of weekly news is also in charge of making staffing changes.

This news comes on the heels of the HBT reporting team's visit this week to San Francisco to investigate the attempted murder of Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons. Early this week, Powderkeg was viciously attacked by what police are describing as a probable scorned lover. Currently the authorities have limited suspects to 4.5 billion women worldwide, so the investigation could take some time.

In other BDS news, team wife Ashley Lyons continues her 'silent strike' until BDS wins the spring championship. Witnesses at the Rainbow Room this past weekend described in harrowing detail how Ashley Lyons refused to talk the entire night, or even answer questions directed towards her, or like even drink or anything, in an effort to inspire BDS to bring home another trophy.

Finally this week, ESPNBDS reports that Back Door Santa needs a sweep tonight to stay in contention for next week's position night, which should be easy considering how inconsistently consistent team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish has been this season. Bowling analysts are confident that he'll have another good week following his record-breaking performance last week, which in no way came out of nowhere.

Powderkeg: Too Accurate?

Santa Monica, CA -

Scientists at the Accuracy Study Society (ASS) announced this week the results of their latest analysis suggesting that Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons' recent swoon may be the result of being 'too accurate.'

"There are many theories hypothesizing that one can, in fact, be too accurate," said ASS head Dr. Scott E. Shortpantz. "While Powderkeg has remained consistent, he's finding that his slow and deliberate approach with the ball often increases his accuracy to a level of 15 or higher, when his best results are typically achieved when he keeps his accuracy in the 11-13 range on a scale of 1-10."

Dr. Shortpanz, now a part of his record 5th scientific community in five seasons because other scientists love to be around him, initially tried to cancel the press conference altogether because it started a few minutes late, and he has places to be.

"While this slow and deliberate approach may be beneficial to the countless ladies watching at home on ESPNBDS, our study suggests that Powderkeg instead fire the ball with as much torque as possible, regardless of how many pins are left," Dr. Shortpanz continued. "It was this type of approach that worked during the 2011 championship season, and we're confident that while he may dance perilously close to 'almost' too accurate - 'almost' is just the right amount to claim the 2012 championship."

Immediately after the press conference, swarms of women took to social networks to post death threats directed at Dr. Shortpanz, an ASS, because he suggested that Powderkeg was anything less than the perfect handsometrical specimen. One of the many Powderkeg-centric websites, www.girlswithpowderkegtattoos.com, was shut down for several hours as hysterical women posted numerous tales of bedroom satisfaction and heartbreak in support of the young swashbuckler.


On this week's Monday conversation, broadcast on ESPNBDS, Powderkeg sat down with reporter Erin Andrews to discuss the results of that ASS Dr. Scott E. Shortpanz' study:

EA: Powderkeg, can I call you that?
PK: Of course
EA: Ok, so for the record, can I take off my blouse?
PK: Again?
EA: So talk about your recent accuracy - what do you think's going on?
PK: Well Erin, sometimes I think that the refs forget there are two teams out there. It's like they're consistently forgetting 50% of the teams
EA: It's almost like, Come on blue! Right?
PK: That's correct
EA: Tell us about your challenge record this season. It's been pretty good, 100%
PK: Well I have to thank Coach Hackosaur. He's the one reading the nuances
EA: Because he's calibrating
PK: That's correct
EA: Will you calibrate my pants?
PK: What?
EA: Nothing
PK: Do you have any food?

In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, head of Lionsgate Films, celebrated the $155 million opening weekend of their latest release, The Hacksaw Games. The movie tells the tale of teens from the 12 districts who fight to the death in front of a live audience, with the winner getting a $50 gift card to Johnnie Foodmaster and a 7 second around-the-world ride aboard Hacksaw's 300-foot lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil' Soco."

The most celebrated scene in the epic involves the main protagonist, Katniss Evergreen, who while hiding in the woods stumbles upon one of Hacksaw's hidden bowling lanes, built to his exact specifications. She studies the rich grains of the mahogany and is able to decifer the relative humidity of that latitudinal location in the woods, and really a lot of fun was had by all.

Rogue Scientist Fired From Hackosaur Lab

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris told Santa Monica police this week that his undercover investigative team, Hackerpol, had identified the rogue scientist who had infiltrated Dr. Hackosaur's lab during the creation of the Dynamite Cyborg.

"After last week's less-than-stellar debut of Dynamite Cyborg, I became suspicious," said Hacksaw in a statement. "I found it hard to believe that a cyborg created via MS Paint and the latest version of Hackborg could perform so poorly. Furthermore, it's impossible that Dr. Hackosaur, a noted cyborgotanist, would knowingly design such a shoddy product, even on a meager $7 trillion budget."

According to reports, Hackerpol discovered that a corrupt saboteur had been hired by Dr. Hackosaur during the final stages of cyborg development. Sources have identified the dastardly 'scientist' as one "Dr. Dale Presidentay", posing as a researcher from The South, USA.

Hackerpol interviewed researchers on Dr. Hackosaur's team, and most noted that Presidentay acted suspicious from the start. While most researchers were using their iHackpads to carefully calibrate the Dynamite Cyborg, Presidentay was reading a book called "How To Sabotage A Cyborg" and bragging about bowling a 2400 series, which is only possible in Cuba, and definitely not The South.

"What we ended up with was a cyborg that frankly did not perform as well as I had hoped," said Hacksaw. "The Dynamite Cyborg kept saying that he was having trouble reading the grains of oak in the lanes, which is surprising since the lanes are made of mahogany. He then threw the challenge flag whenever he got a strike, as if he was not programmed to get a strike. Furthermore, I found it suspicious that when El Presidente stopped by, Dynamite thanked him for giving him life and talked about how much fun they were going to have in Cuba. I mean, it's not like El Presidente was in the lab, we would have noticed. But there was something about this Dale Presidentay character who hailed from The South that I found curious. In any event, the only reason I can think of as to why the Dynamite Cyborg was so shitty last week is because there was a traitor in our lab."

The Associated Press printed a transcript of a Twitter conversation between Dr. Dale Presidentay and an anonymous scientist in the lab, identified only by her Twitter handle, @drashleylyons:

@drashleylyons: I am so hungry where are the 'raccoons' lol

@drdalepresidentay: hello i am from the south you all, i reckon its time 2 change scores

@drashleylyons: what part of the south lol

@drdalepresidentay: the southern part, def not cuba lol what is mahoginny

@drashleylyons: why do u even work here lol i love burritos

@drdalepresidentay: what do u mean i am scientist from the south. yee haw where is pablo

@drashleylyons: wut lol when we r calibrating u r holding test tubes upside down lol amirite

@drdalepresidentay: lol how do u know? raccoons are always eating with you #insidejoke

@drashleylyons: @drdalepresidentay got your email. it's 'nuances' not 'noo onciz' lol

@drdalepresidentay: fav athlete of all time is El Presidente

Hackosaur Creates Dynamite Cyborg

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that his team of scientists, led by noted cyborgotanist Dr. Hackosaur, have built an exact replica of BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish that will be used for the remainder of the TNT season.

"This cyborg, or cybernetic organism, looks and feels exactly like Dynamite, except that we've added some nuances to increase his consistency 4 billion percent," said Hacksaw. "So we expect, that with this 4 billion percent increase in consistency, he will now be consistent roughly 50% of the time, on a consistent basis. At the very least, this cyborg can't be any shittier at bowling than Dynamite."

According to the Associated Press, the prototype was digitally designed by Dr. Hackosaur's team using a combination of MS Paint and Hackborg, one of the latest additions to iHackpad store. Researchers drafted a sketch of the cyborg in Paint and then used Hackborg to determine the optimal level of intangibles needed to result in the effective increase in consistency.

The new Dynamite Cyborg could not come at a better time, as BDS is making their annual spring run towards a championship, with only Dynamite's consistent lack of consistency standing between them and more hardware.

"Look, this has been a long-time coming," said Hacksaw. "Shot Boy, Powderkeg and I convened on my 200-foot luxury yacht, the aptly-named 'Row The Boat', and discussed a course of action. It was either calmly ask Dynamite to practice a bit more, or ask the prehistoric dinosaur I brought back to life with a combination of ancient DNA and guile to construct a fully-operational cyborg in the form of Dynamite, and then use said cyborg for the rest of the season."

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, sat down with Cyborg Fancy magazine this week and detailed some of the technical aspects of this new handsome robot. They include:

- A 40 trillion horsepower soconium-powered central nervous system able to calculate to the 99.97th percent what foot to start on

- a built-in HackPad quad quadcore processor designed to minimize variations in score between games from 80 pins to 25 pins

- a left arm with removable stun-gun that can be used to subdue Powderkeg when he is approaching 209 pins in any given game

- a memory processor that will track and analyze Dynamite's precise hacksaw throwing technique so it can be used to help future generations

- an internal database with the exact molecular breakdowns of over 48 billion different types of mahogany and their associated nuances and grains

- extra points for UNC-Asheville, currently needing 8 over Syracuse, cuz I picked this game ok I'm gonna watch now 1-2-3- backdoor!!

Report: El Presidente To Bowl 2400 Series Tomorrow

Havana, Cuba -

The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, reported earlier today that benevolent leader El Presidente will bowl a 2400 series tomorrow night against TNT favorites Back Door Santa.

"ESPN has confirmed that our beloved tyrant El Presidente surpassed even his own Cuban records with an historic showing at Bay Shore Lanes against Back Door Santa," the paper said. "Never before has a more fair leader bowled three straight 800 games, and it may never happen again. But if it does, it will be El Presidente. Let there be no doubt that El Presidente is the greatest bowler in Cuban history."

According to Corruption Enthusiast, the members of Back Door Santa attempted to forfeit the match before it even began, knowing that they did not have the heart and intangibles to challenge El Presidente and his consecutive 800 games.

"We barely get 800 pins as a team in most games," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "So I knew when I witnessed El Presidente bowl that 2400 series 20 hours from now that we were in trouble. There is nothing fishy about this whatsoever, and it would be tantamount to treason to suggest otherwise."

Corruption Enthusiast also reported that after the match, which is tomorrow, BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons bequeathed unto El Presidente his wife, Ashley Lyons-Presidente, for she had earned the right to be with a man of handsomeclivity and guilete such as the fair leader of Cuba.

"I don't know what I'm going to bowl tomorrow," said Powderkeg. "But my high series ever is like a 620 - so there's no way I'm going to beat the 2400 El Presidente bowled against us tomorrow."

In other news, the tech world was abuzz today as BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris threw his hat into the tablet ring and debuted what is sure to be the hottest gadget of 2012, the HackPad. Each HackPad is made of the finest mahogany, each grain more different than the next, and the screen boasts a resolution 49 billion times better than the Hubble telescope. The quadruple quad-core processor is powered by soconium, allowing the HackPad to process 6.6 quadrillion calculations per exasecond.

The tablet was designed by noted tabphysicist Hackosaur, building on a prototype he created 4.5 million years ago during the Mesozoic Era. Realizing that current iPads lacked the capabilities to monitor and control the sun's rays from outside of wifi range, Hackosaur teamed with Boost Mobile to include in each HackPad a wireless 13G connection - currently only available aboard Johnnie Skymaster. The HackPad retails for $4.5 billion dollars when you sign a two-year contract with Boost Mobile.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, admitted during a press conference today that he simply needed more computing power to calculate his bowling scores.

"I've got 14 lanes build to my exact specifications on every vessel in my fleet," said Hacksaw. "So with the amount of games I play, and the need to constantly measure not only the nuances, but also regulate the humidity and atmospheric conditions - that necessitates a soconium-powered processor. After all, the jules needed to create a Construction Zone on earth are vastly different than the kilojules needed on the sun."

And finally this week, Back Door Santa would like to thank superfan Tara "LaRue" Johnson for coming out to watch their match, even though they already lost 20 hours from now due to El Presidente's 2400 series.

Powderkeg Threatened By Terrorist

Santa Monica, CA -

The FBI announced today that they had received a terrorist threat directed at Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

"Typically the types of threats we receive about Powderkeg are suicidal in nature, usually pertaining to the lack of interest directed by Powderkeg to various female parties. In this case, we received word from Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on shriekal threat analysis, that he had deciphered a specific threat involving potential life-threatening harm directed towards our hero."

Hackosaur poured over 6.4 million hours of super-sonar terrorist chatter, delivered shriekily in octaves 10 billion times higher than can be heard by the human ear. The results were then delivered to the FBI this week in hopes that they could thwart a deadly attack on Powderkeg.

"This shrieking emanated from a known terrorist cell at Bayshore Lanes; a nefarious group dedicated to the destruction of all that is good in the world, specifically in the nether regions. Messages were sent in high pitches at specific points in time, typically after a strike, a spare, a split, a smoke break, or at any point when the group determined that not enough attention was being directed towards them. We wrote most of it off as chatter, but now that Back Door Santa has made their usual February move to the top of the standings, this group decided to attack their most consistent bowler," said FBI Director of X Chromo-threatality Guy Incognito.

Back Door Santa team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was briefed early Wednesday and warned that he had to use all of his guile to prevent Powderkeg - BDS' most consistent bowler - to refrain from bowling a 209. A game of this consistent magnitude could potentially wipe Powderkeg off the map if the terrorist cell follows through with its threat.

"There's not much we can do," said Incognito. "You know cuz like, we really don't want to get to close and infiltrate this terrorist cell. Frankly, we'd prefer to not even think about this."

In other BDS news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish won his appeal with the PBA this week after a urine sample was deemed "tampered" by an independent arbitrator. After last week's match, when the inconsistent Dynamite rowed the boat for the second time in three years, he was immediately whisked to the bathroom to provide a urine sample to test for performance-enhancing drugs. Even his own teammates were incredulous after the feat, with captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon missing the entire boat due to going to the bathroom.

"I knew with Dynamite up there that there wasn't a chance, at that specific moment, that I was going to have to buy beer. He's not very consistent, so you can imagine my surprise when I come out and, in front of no witnesses, Dynamite announces that he threw four strikes in a row. I support my team but at some point you have to draw the line and get to the bottom of this El Presidente-esque cheating."

And finally this week, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris will be hosting his annual Welcome to March gala, at 7pm this Thursday on his 200-foot luxury yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat".

"Typically, we hold the gala at 11pm, to allow for bowling to be finished," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "But since we're playing Fast Jerry Kaufmann this week, we should be done by 6:45, giving me more than enough time to hop on Johnnie Skymaster, check my metrics on the sun, and be on Row The Boat by 7pm."