BDS Assets

3/9/2011

Row The Boat: 200’ Yacht: 

  

• 14 helicopter landing pads

• a disco

• 14 bowling lanes that are calibrated every fifteen minutes

• state-of-the-art $984,000 security system designed to protect his foam two-by-four

• Thirsty Scholar West Tavern

• 4/6/2011: Addition of Mt Hackmore – 14 mile tall mountain installed on the 2nd deck 

• 4/14/2011: Upgraded security system worth $276 billion

3/16/2011

Car in which Sonny Corleone was shot in “The Godfather”

Convertible driven by Sgt. Chris Lorenzo (played by TV’s Rob T. Estes) on “Silk Stalking’s”.

3/29/2011 

PowderKegs Palatial mountain estate in Mammoth, CA

• Private lane, which he had built at 12,000 feet atop the Murderhorn

4/6/2011

Lil SoCo: 100’ Lifeboat for Row the Boat

• 10 Bowling lanes built to exact specifications

• 3 helicopter pads

• Olympic sized swimming pool

• Parking garage to house vintage Hollywood collection (including the Harley-Davidson fatboy used by rugged Jake Hanson on Melrose Place)

• Observatory with a telescope fifty-one more powerful than the Hubble

• 6 billion horsepower outboard motor powered by 200 megatons of plutonium

• Designer Louis Vuitton lifejackets

• 4/14/2011: 10’ thick bullet and missile proof windows after death threats from the “Wood Mafia”

• 4/14/2011: Addition of "Nuances," the brand new rehabilitation center aboard Hacksaw's lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo." Spanning over 24,000 square feet, Nuances boasts an Olympic diving center, a go kart track, 17 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's specifications, a demolition derby, and the world's first dodo bird petting zoo. The formerly-extinct birds are on loan from the Hacksaw Preservation society, which was able to resurrect the birds by combining fossil DNA and intangibles.

• 5/11/2011: Conversion of the outboard motor on his lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", from nuclear to super-nuclear. The new engine converts plutonium into energy at six thousand times the speed of your typical nuclear-powered outboard motor, and now boasts a 7 quadrillion horsepower output and a top speed of 70,000 knots.

• 5/11/2011: Addition of the “Ancient Zoo”. The earnings from winning the TNT championship allowed him the resources necessary to continue one of his favorite pastimes, reviving extinct species. Scientists from across the land have traveled to view the recently-born Tyrannosaurus Rex, which Hacksaw revived using ancient DNA and guile. The Rex, accurately-named "Hackosaur", is a healthy two-weeks old and has already bowled four perfect games.

Shot Boy also made headlines this week when he discovered a new galaxy 20 billion light years away from the earth, just by looking up into the night sky with his new awesome laser vision awesomeness.

4/20/2011

Johnnie Skymaster: A 200 seat private jet - $16.8b

• 5-star buffalo steakhouse

• 300 acre African safari

• ten-story Four Seasons hotel

• water slide

• high-stakes casino

• 16 bowling lanes built to exact specifications

• Hackscraper, A 200 mile custom-built rollercoaster capable of speeds up to 574 knots

Team Captain My Captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon returned Wednesday from Geneva, where he was honored by the World Astrological Association for his work in discovering a new comet 25 light years away. He first noticed it Monday while he was adjusting his rearview mirror and casually glanced up into the sky with his insane new laser vision awesomeness. The WAA celebrated the feat by destroying every telescope in Switzerland cuz they don't need that shit anymore with Shot Boy around, and declared April as National Shot Boy Century.

5/18/2011

HAYO: Private Cuban airport facility, the succinctly-named Hacksaw Aviation & Yacht Outlet 

• 32 mile long runway

• International speedway

• 32-story luxury shopping mall

• an observatory

• 4 zip codes

• the Hacksaw Museum of Modern Art

• a genetics lab

• 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications

5/26/2011

Hack-A-Whirl: A 300-foot-long helicopter. The copter goes through 64 gallons of rocket fuel every nanosecond, powering its 24,000-horsepower engine and enabling the vessel to travel round trip from Santa Monica to Havana in 14 seconds.

• NASCAR track built to scale

• 40-story Four Seasons hotel

• 20,000-seat coliseum

• bow-hunting range

• 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications

• 2-mile long atomic collider

• 6/1/2011: Addition of SoCo Field, a 20,000 seat coliseum for the recently purchased Los Angeles (Dodgers) Beer Framers

• 6/1/2011: Addition of a luxury auto dealership featuring Bugattis, Ferraris, Maserati’s, and vintage automobiles like the Ford Excursion, Hummer H2, and Pontiac Fiero.

6/1/2011

Handsomely Pantsed: Team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons held a party aboard Hacksaw's lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", to celebrate a joint clothing venture with fellow TNT bowler Brandon Irons Hally. The new company, named "Handsomely Pantsed", will specialize in polo shirts and high-end trousers for the handsome man who has it all. Each pair of pants is made from only the finest in California condor silk, with a breathability that allows for both comfort and athletic performance on the bowling lanes or country club. The pants will retail for $80,000 a pair, and prospective buyers must first pass the Handsome Aptitude Leisure & Logistic Yield test, or HALLY

6/15/2011

Hacksaw Square Garden: a 450,000 seat amphitheater

• seven acres of 24,000 watt lights

• 56,000 gallon aquarium to house the world's first humpback whale petting zoo

• 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications

• Aand Mars, which was towed out its orbit last week by Johnny Skymaster and placed in its new home.

• security forces trained by the United States' top defense specialist and Navy SEAL, Lt. Commander Hackosaur

6/22/2011

Yo Hacka Hacka: 100 foot long Soconium powered Airbus converted into a flying jungle gym and youth center capable of speeds up to 60,000mph. $900 Million

• nursery

• K-12 prep school currently ranked #1 in the nation

• seven-story outdoor swing set comprised entirely of Redwood lumber 

• diamond district

• 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications

Soconium: Witnesses say that Shot Boy had just finished taking in a MiniKeg concert when he casually glanced into the core of Mars and noticed a substance that seemed to contain 119 electrons, one more than the noble gas Ununoctium. A sample of the substance was sent to HAYO and analyzed by Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost scientist and physical matter expert.

Testing confirmed Shot Boy's assumptions that the new element not only had 119 electrons, but was also a fuel 25 billion times more efficient and clean-burning than biodiesel. Upon hearing the news, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, flew down to Cuba aboard Johnny Skymaster and met with Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on building airplane engines out of newly-discovered elements. Within a few seconds, Dr. Hackosaur had built the Soconium-powered engine that was then installed aboard Yo Hacka Hacka.

 

7/6/2011

HAE-O / Louvre, or as it's known now, Hacksaw's Arty Emporium & Observatory (HAE-O). Team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, recently purchased the museum in an effort to improve American-Frenchie relations.

Amenities include:

• 14 story rock-climbing wall
• 2 miles of bulletproof glass surrounding the Mona Lisa
• a rodeo
• a SCUBA certification center
• 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications
• Mount Rushmore, recently moved from South Dakota via the Hack-A-Whirl

PowderBull: Team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons announced the arrival of his new energy drink, PowderBull. The beverage will be available nationwide at all Johnny Foodmaster locations, and is a combination of Coors Light, Southern Comfort, and 6,000 pentagrams of ginseng. One can costs $10,000 and the exciting drink sold out in four seconds.

8/10/2011

BDS put a call into Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5, skipper of the Los Angeles Beer Frames and an analyst at the prestigious Hackosaur University, a bowling research institute funded by the good people at Hacksaw Tax Shelter Emporium. Dr. Hurricane is known throughout the scientific community as the world's second foremost expert on bowling lineup efficiency, behind only Hackosaur.

c:ALIBRATE: The new Back Door Santa lineup was finalized using Mocha Hurricane's patented formula, the coefficient: Apex Lane Integration for Bowling Readiness And Transcendent Efficiency - or c:ALIBRATE.
c:ALIBRATE measures over 7 billion characteristics of a bowler, including but not limited to handsomeness, nuance readability, championshipality, intangibles, and guile. Each bowler is then given an overall score between 0 and 6,000,000,001, and those scores determine his place in the bowling lineup.

According to the Associated Press, Dr. Hurricane spent several minutes on Monday measuring each of the 7 billion of BDS' characteristics by hand, revealing the following c:ALIBRATE scores:

Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
John "Hacksaw" Serris: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
Dynamite Chris Parish: 17

Dr. Hurricane went on to explain the simplistic tie-breaking procedures of c:ALIBRATE, which also shows why this formula will be universally adopted due to its ease of use.

"In the event of a tie, in order to prevent a recurrence of Black Death, team members are ordered by the number of unique letters in their last name. As you can see, we still have a tie.

The second tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you then rank the players based on the number of letters in their first name, wherein any number of letters less than 5 is counted as a 5. As you can see, we still have a tie.

The third tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you then rank the players by number of championships on a binary scale. Zero championships is given a value of 0, and any number > 0 is given a value of 1. As you can see, we still have a tie.

The fourth tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you rank players based on the telephone country code of the nation in which their most recent championship took place; since each member won their most recent championship in the United States and thus all have a value here of 001, as you can see we still have a tie.

"The fifth tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you arrange the players in reverse alphabetical order by the third letter of their first name," said Dr. Hurricane. "Thusly, you can see that we now have a new bowling order as thusly:

1. Shot Boy
2. Hacksaw
3. Powderkeg
4. Dynamite

Dr. Hurricane then used c:ALIBRATE to rank most desired subs for BDS, in the unlikely event that on a given week they forget that they love to bowl:

1. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
2. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
3. Brandon "Hally" Irons
4. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
5. Fast Jerry Kaufmann
87. Scotty Shortpants
7quadrillion: Harold "The Thief" McStealerson



8/17/2011

ZACHFOCS, or Zealously Adored Champions Heralded For Opposing Corruption & Suspiciousness, aims to bring to light the blatant corruption and mismanagement that has plagued the TNT Summer practice season in order to prevent its ugly recurrence during the lovely fall season, dubbed "Season of True Champions" by ESPN.

Germany and the Khahnvoy: In other BDS news, in preparation for the upcoming Hacktoberfest, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris completed his latest purchase, Germany.

"I made the decision that I wanted to kick it old-school with this year's Hacktoberfest, so why not kick it the oldest school and host it in Europe. I talked to my agent Hackosaur, who is not only #1 on the west side, he's also the world's foremost expert on European land investment. He told me that Germany was currently available, so I went for it," explained Hacksaw. "To my surprise, we were the highest bidder."

Hacksaw immediately won over the native Krauts by renaming Germany to Hacksaw's Bavarian Funhouse. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, filed a petition with the European Union to drop the euro as HBF's form of currency, and the nation will immediately begin using its new currency, the khahnvoy, to buy and sell goods. Because HBF currently boasts an AAA rating from Standard and Poors, the value of one khahnvoy is equivalent to 14 euros and $19 American.