Hacksaw Purchases Theory of Relativity

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had purchased Einstein's Theory of Relativity and had already begun printing editions of Hacksaw's History Of The United States textbooks to reflect the purchase.

"I've always been interested in quantum physics, often burying my head in books while I perfected the correct guile ratio needed to resurrect Hackosaur," said Hacksaw.  "You hear scientists and news agencies throwing around the Theory of Relativity all the time, but nobody's making any money off of it. That's when the businessman in me gets to work."

According to Hackapedia, the theory of relativity was developed by German physicist and noted womanizer Albert Einstein and states that the measurements of various quantities are relative to the velocities of observers, and that space and time should be consider together with each other. Hackapedia goes on to note that Einstein later sold his theory to an un-named capitalist in the 21st century "known for his guile and vast wealth, and intangibles. And he had a dinosaur somehow."

As the owner of the theory, Hacksaw stands to make roughly $876 quadrillion dollars each fiscal year due to the usage tax each time the theory is observed by eligible parties - those being anyone observing anything anywhere at any time. However, due to the tax structure implemented by Hacksaw's accountant Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on spacial theory tax, there will be several provisions in the tax law exempting certain parties from this tax.

"We haven't hammered out the exact tax loopholes yet," Hacksaw continued, "but a good amount of that tax will be paid by goblins."

Hacksaw Purchases Thursday

Santa Monica, CA -

In an effort to avoid the impending fiscal cliff, the United States government had decided to leverage some of its assets as a means to pay of its debt, starting with this week's sale of Thursday to BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris.

"It's no secret that the Federal government is terrible at managing virtually everything," said House Speaker John Boehner, a noted dipshit. "We realized that a good way to decrease our debt would be to privatize the days of the week. While we lament the sale of Thursday, we also look forward to Hacksaw returning its status as the best day of the week."

According to sources on Wall Street, Hacksaw first learned of the possibility to acquire Thursday through his real estate agent, Hackosaur. He immediately dispatched Hackosaur to Capitol Hill aboard Johnnie Skymaster to hammer out details with the Federal government. Hacksaw was surprised to find that he was the only bidder.

FTC documents list the sale as a one-time payment of $97.6 trillion dollars, and the sale also includes an option-to-buy for Friday and leap year Tuesdays. However, since as of this writing Hacksaw is the only Wall Street trader for days of the week, he in effect controls the strike prices for any of the days, and thus could potentially add those days to his portfolio for zero dollars.

"With the economy in shambles, I wanted to add some inelastic goods to my array of assets," said Hacksaw at today's press conference. "I've made a good amount of money from owning the sun, but when times are tough, people always have the option to live underground and avoid paying my exorbitant sunlight fees. However, a human being literally cannot live without Thursday. You can't wake up on a Thursday and say 'What a wonderful Friday this is, I guess I don't have to pay my Thursday taxes'. Theoretically you could, but then you've got Hack Team 5 knocking on your door, and you can't hide from Hack Team 5. Look what they did to the guy who accused Elmo. That guy's dead now. Well - he will be dead, I don't have a clock in front of me." 

In other BDS news, Hacksaw also announced that his research team had developed a substance made from melded soconium that is 70 billion times stronger than Kevlar, perfect to be used in a vest that you would want to wear when you're worried someone might stab you in the back.

In unrelated news, former BDS ally and current backstabber Papas Fritas turned heel this week and announced that he was teaming up with his arch-nemesis El Presidente to form some sort of Cuban bowling super power built on their shared ideals of nefariousness. When asked to comment, Papas Fritas stated that "I wish the news were longer this week, but lo, if Dynagirl doesn't have 7 teeth coming in at the same time and fucking christ if I don't nap before bowling it's going to be a rough night."