Dynamite, Powderkeg Hire Controversial Bowling Guru

Blurry footage of Dynamite & Powderkeg with alleged Hacksputin

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa team members Dynamite Chris Parish and Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons were questioned by local authorities today concerning their involvement with a controversial bowling guru the police have named "Hacksputin."

The handsome gents, mired in their 3rd consecutive worst season ever, allegedly hired Hacksputin to help increase guile and mahoganship before it's too late to win the title in TNT's summer league. Unfortunately, hiring coaches outside the league is strictly forbidden in the TNT bylaws.

Also questioned about the incident was BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, who swore under oath that he had never met Hacksputin and knew nothing about him. He was immediately released when police were unable to provide any photographic evidence that Hacksaw and Hacksputin have ever been in the same room together.

Santa Monica police are working on a theory that Hacksputin has been hiding out in his lair on the sun, which is only reachable aboard Johnnie Skymaster, a 300 foot airship owned by Hacksaw. Up to this point, Hacksaw has refused to let the police borrow Johnnie to fly to the sun to investigate.

"This is a witch hunt," said Hacksaw. "I'm not going to let the police borrow my prized vessel just to travel to the sun and bother the locals looking for someone who doesn't exist."

According to Peruvian legend, Hacksputin came to this planet 41 years ago with the goal of helping handsome people bowl. He is not listed on any legal documents and thus is believed to not have a place of residence on earth or any possessions. The only proof that he exists is in blurry camera footage where he's often seen with a dynasaur-shaped figure in the background, and a 300 foot aircraft of some sort.

His controversial training methods involve increasing the fat content of a student's diet by 10,000% in order to improve the olfactory senses and thus the ability to sniff out the mahogany. He will often take his subjects into the mountains, load them with fat and sodium, and then direct them to the trees until they come back with the exact mahogany he has specified. He then builds a fire and meditates to the point that he appears to be sleeping.

Potato Shortage Terrorizes Nation

San Bernardino, CA -

The US Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level to "chartreuse" after the entire United
States sold out of potatoes this afternoon.

According to the Associated Press, over 26 billion tons of potatoes were purchased Sunday, leaving grocers in a panic and adding unprecedented burden to our nation's potato farmers.

"At this rate, we won't return to normal potato stock levels until January 2926," said FDA Commish Margaret A Hamburg. "This came out of nowhere, and we're doing our best to pinpoint the source of the panic."

Sources told the Associated Press that the rush on potatoes is likely related to an incident in the San Bernardino mountains this morning, when BDS ringer and avid fisherman John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled the latest recipe from his test kitchen, Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash.

According to reports, a hungover Hacksaw grew increasingly impatient waiting for BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish to figure out an efficient method of cooking hash browns given the dearth of cooking utensils available. He gestured to Dynamite to "step aside" and took over the grill.

"My arm was sore after throwing 400 pitches yesterday," said Dynamite. "I was throwing about 15 pitches a minute, unless Angry Jimmy was batting, in which case I was throwing about 4 pitches per hour. It was a struggle this morning cooking. I had pork, I had other pork, I had eggs. I had these hashbrowns but my brain was fried. I just couldn't figure out the potatoes. What happened next was unbelievable."

Under sworn testimony, Dynamite divulged to the FBI the exact recipe for Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash. Some items were omitted as there is no recipe for greatness:

(18) frozen hash brown patties
1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup bacon grease
(Shit)load of shredded cheese
1/4 tsp guile

Representatives for Johnnie Foodmaster, a Hacksaw Inc-owned grocery chain, hinted that the browns may soon be available at all locations, with the tagline "you don't like it, I don't give a fuck, just eat your hash browns."

Hacksaw Purchases Summer

Santa Monica, CA -

In honor of his favorite season and on the advent of his favorite bowling season, Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had reached a deal to purchase summer.

Rumors had been swirling on Wall Street all month that Hacksaw, who had not made a large purchase since February, was set to announce one of his trademark historic purchases.

"An investor like Hacksaw doesn't rest on his guiley laurels," said Maria Bartiromo of CNN Money. "That said, when your portfolio includes Mars, 6 counties in Portugal, American History, and Christmas, you're typically going to exercise due diligence in your next purchase so that it compliments what you already own."

In typical Hacksaw fashion, the bold purchase will essentially double his investment yields, as summer is powered by the Sun, which Hacksaw owns.

"I make a great deal of money from renting out sunlight," said Hacksaw. "At the same time, all of these businesses are profiting by acting as a middle man - ice cream makers, beachside restaurants, everyone - and selling the effects of that sunlight to the consumer. So why not cut out the middle man and delivery ravishing sunlight directly?"

According to financial statements filed with the FTC, Hacksaw will still charge sunlight rent to businesses, and that amount will be calculated using the simple HackLine tax algorithm, where the Rent ($)  is the percentage of a business' total revenue:

Rent ($)= {(12-mS) + hsc} *100

Where mS=months of Summer=3
and h=hacksaw standard coefficient =1

In this scenario, the Rent($) would be

{(12-3) + 1} *100 = 100%