Powderkeg Addresses Criticism

Reporters swarm today's press conference shortly before masturbating

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons held a press conference this afternoon to address damning allegations that he no longer loves to bowl, but rather has an affinity for it when there's time in his busy schedule.

Sources told ESPNBDS that the allegations surfaced this week after Powderkeg told his team he would be unavailable for this week's match without giving a reason.

"It's quite unlike Powderkeg," said ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton. "He's usually the first one at the lanes, getting a humidity report for the rest of the team, crunching numbers on his HackPad. Punch in at 9, clock out at 5, that's the plan. Dental school! Lisa needs braces."

"This is threatening to tear BDS apart," Clayton continued. "I don't know if there's any amount of deer antler spray that could overcome this."

To refute the allegations, Powderkeg held a press conference this afternoon and invited the media to ask any questions they wanted, as long as they were not about Powderkeg's conviction back in 2000 when he was allegedly a witness to two women being murdered by a jealous female who thought they were hitting on Powderkeg.

A transcript of the press conference was provided to ESPNBDS by The Huffington Post:

ABC News: Mr. Powderkeg, Charlie Gibson here. We know that you are missing bowling this week. Do you have any big plans for your family while they are in town?

PK: My family's not in town Charlie, I'm not sure where you got that information

ABC: Oh my apologies - I just assumed that since you were missing bowling, it was a situation where you had guests in town and they were reliant on you for transportation. That's something I think everyone would understand.

PK: Next question

FOX: Mr. Powderkeg, Shephard Smith here. All of us here at Fox News just wanted to say how delighted we were, and congratulations on your newborn child.

PK: Thanks Shephard but I am not a father of a newborn.

FOX: Oh - well I'm sorry for the confusion. We just assumed that since you were missing bowling, it had to be for something that can't be moved from a Thursday, such as the well being of another human life.

PK: Next question

CBS: Hi Handsome, Baba Walters here. Can you divulge any details of your worldwide travel this week? Where you'll be going, where you're staying?

PK: I'm not traveling anywhere this week, Barbara.

CBS: You'll be in California?

PK: Yes

CBS: Santa Monica?

PK: Yes

CBS: Is Bayshore Lanes still in Santa Monica?

PK: Yes

CBS: No further questions

CNN: Hi Powderkeg, Wolf Blitzer here. Do you have any comment on the new law passed by the State of California that prohibits restuarants from being open on any day but Thursdays?

PK: I'm not aware of any law like that

CNN: So what you're saying is, restaurants ARE allowed to be open every day of the week? Even on a Friday, which in the whole scheme of things is only one day later than Thursday, and is renowned for being a pretty great day for  celebrations?

PK: Yeah I mean - you can go out any day you want, this isn't Cuba!!

In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon has recanted his earlier claims that he was quitting the team, and will in fact show up for bowling on Thursday.

"I've never seen my boo so upset," said Tabon's wife, Megan Fox-Lyons-Tabon. "His whole world is shattered. An entire season of no caesar salads, and now he has lost control of his team. He tried to hide the pain by managing six thousand different handicap pots and raffles to appease the fucktards in TNT, rarely paying attention to the game at hand, but it was too much. However, he still loves bowling, that's why he'll be there Thursday. You can't question his love of bowling. I guess technically, however, you also can't measure it."

Report: Police Standoff At Skoal Headquarters

Memphis, TN -

The fate of Back Door Santa weak link Dynamite Chris Parish hangs in the balance today after he and Hackosaur stormed into Skoal Headquarters in Memphis and took 40,000 tins of tasty tasty Peach Skoal hostage.

Memphis Police responded to a frantic 911 call from inside the building who reported a "handsome madman" who "left a trail of passed out ladies in his wake" and then "donned a snorkel and dove right into our fermentation tank."

According to sources, Dynamite decided that this would finally be the week that he quit dipping smooth tasty Skoal, just so tasty, why do you have to be bad for me my love. What have I ever done to you but enjoy you. So anyway official team wife DynaWife determined that it would be best for all parties involved if Dynamite started slowly and was allowed one tasty Peach Skoal a night, because you are a fucking asshole when you try to go cold turkey.

"It didn't work," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon while addressing the media. "He had good willpower at first, but then on that second day he just lost his shit. Yelling at everyone, mouthing off, reaching for an empty bottle that wasn't there."

Witnesses report a handsome devil breaking into Hacksaw International Airport with some sort of shadow-y Tyranosaurus-like super-genius real estate agent/coach and boarding Yo Hacka Hacka. After a 3 femtosecond flight, the glorious airship landed in Memphis and the duo immediately broke into Skoal Headquarters. While Hackosaur casually formulated a cure for intestinal cancer on his Hackpad, Dynamite started bathing in fresh long-cut tobacco.

Police were immediately dispatched to the factory, but their flimsy guns were no match for Hack Team 5, who had flown in by Hackosaur when shit started to go down.

"All we can do is wait," said Memphis Police Chief I.P. Freely. "Let him do his thing, get it out of his system. I didn't get into this business to arrest a handsome man like that. Plus, I bet my entire pension on BDS tonight. I don't want Dynamite to be distracted about any pending repercussions for stealing a plane, flying across the country with a dynosaur without notifying the FAA, landing a 40,000 seat  plane in Memphis on a street outside of a factory without permission or regard for human life, breaking into said factory, and then engaging in an armed standoff with local authorities. I just need him to do his thing and get back to Santa Monica in time for tonight's match."

Papas Fritas Approves First Move of 20HT

Santa Monica, CA -

TNT resident fertilizer and Hacksaw Inc independent arbitrator Codi "Papas Fritas" Harris announced this week that he had approved the first move of 20HT, the sale of Minnesota to Canada.

The move was expected after BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was unable to overcome a debilitating case of Minnesota Fever that he had brought back from the northern wasteland, and as a result Back Door Santa lost 3 out of 4 points last week.

"As you know, any and all moves made this year must be approved by me," said Papas Fritas at today's press conference. "My office has been inundated with requests, many of them for simple bathroom breaks, from all across the land. Dynagirl and I have been working day and night to organize the requests, but we knew that our first priority had to be addressing the need to get rid of Minnesota."

According to Hackapedia, Minnesota was founded in 1846 by Gobby Goblinstein, a nefarious ne'r do well who was banished from the United States by then President James K. Hack. At the time, the land was deemed unuseful by the American government due to its lack of fertile soil necessary to cultivate mahogany and textiles, and therefore became a de facto open air prison for all of America's undesireables.

As part of the deal, the former US state of Minnesota will become the 11th providence of Canada and re-named Canada Heights. The residents of Canada Heights celebrated this morning with their tradition of driving 5 miles under the speed limit in all three lanes on the highway while rocking out to Crash Test Dummies.

To thank Papas Fritas for his hard work, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman and also owner of this year, Thursdays, Christmas, and American history, bequeathed unto Fritas the world's first bowling ball made of pure soconium ore. The ball weighs 64,000 pounds and is so volatile that even a change of 0.00000054% in wind MPH would result in an explosion so powerful that it would render the known universe completely lifeless. Fritas plans to debut the new ball in league play tonight.

"I had 9 nanoseconds this morning, so in my Hackpad I calculated every single move or motion Papas Fritas has ever made since the exact second he was born, and built the ball to those exact specifications," said Hacksaw. "The bowling ball is fully inert as long as Papas Fritas is the one bowling it. However, if anyone else so much touches it, it will mess up the entire equilibrium of the soconium and their hands will burn with the fire of 16 quadrillion suns. Other side effects include nausea and homicidal mood swings."

And finally this week, BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon told ESPNBDS that he was looking forward to seeing a Dynamite tonight "full of his usual whimsy" because "it's a fucking drag when you're watching him leave ten open frames and he can't even throw the fucking Hacksaw correctly."

Hacksaw Has Enough, Purchases 2013

Papas Fritas discusses audit procedures with DynaGirl

Santa Monica, CA -

Finally reaching his limit with the corruption at Bayshore Lanes, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced today that he had purchased the year 2013.

"My purchase last year of American history showed that I now have control over the past, yet it's the future that worries me," said Hacksaw. "I can't let another TNT championship fall into nefarious hands through nefarious practices. It's time to control the future."

According to reports, Hacksaw became enraged when he learned that the 2012 TNT fall championship was rigged via ruthless methods of canceling league weeks in an effort to award a league title to a team nobody even likes or roots for, not even the coveted "mom shorts" demographic. Sources said that several teams were in contention for a league title until Bayshore Lanes, without approval, started renting out their lanes like a $2 hooker until only one team, the Scoreboard Watchers, were left with a chance at the title.

Shortly after position night, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, sent his trusted calendarial financial analyst, Hackosaur, to the Vatican City in an effort to work a deal to purchase the 2013 calendar year. Upon arriving aboard Johnnie Skymaster, Hackosaur was surprised to find that Hacksaw Inc was the only bidder. As part of the deal, 2013 will now be known as "20HT" or "Two Thousand Hack-Teen".

"With this deal, every decision across the land, from the redwood and mahogany forests - which I own - to the Gulfstream waters - which I'm considering - must be approved by my team. It's the only way I can ensure that the 20HT Winter Season is a fair fight," Hacksaw stated.

In order to manage the reams of red tape that will surely come with the decision approval process, Hacksaw hired famed arbitrator and league fertilizer Papas Fritas, of the firm Didwee, Scroo, Herre & How, as the top approval monitor for any decisions brought before the board this year. Fritas is known for his hard-line approach to economics and fairness, never one to fear throwing corruption into the Cuban hotbox of "pending."

"I'm honored by the faith Hacksaw has put in me," said Fritas. "I'll be working closely with his apprentice, DynaGirl, to make the best decisions for his year. Just the other day she pushed me to pick a side on the notorious "should I go up or down the staircase" decision. Are you going up the stairs? Are you going down? Do you want the rest of this apple? Do you want to throw it on the floor? What are you pointing at? And so on. Those are tough decisions."

In other BDS news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish is fighting to recover from contracting the dreaded Minnesota fever after a training excursion in the south of Minnesota over the holidays. According to reports, Dynamite headed to the frozen tundra of the Midwest in order to please his wife, who I love you baby but fucking Christ I wish you were from Florida or Texas, my nose won't stop bleeding.

In yet other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons was sued by teen sensation Carly Rae Jepsen this week after he immediately changed his number when she tried to call him, maybe. Sources told ESPNBDS that the team is starting to worry about the mental strength of Powderkeg as this is the 1098th lawsuit filed against him in the past year by famous chicks who want to get pregnant.

"It's like, I like your song, and yes, I'm consistent, but that doesn't mean I want to consistently raise a family with you," said Powderkeg. "And yes, the rumors are true: I told her if she wrote a song about me, that I would raise a family with her. But then she just gave up the caesar salad so it's like, Hey I already ate."

An investigator close to the case indicated that it's likely Powderkeg would be acquitted by reasons of hunger, as he had been consisting on a diet solely of 2x4's due to a raccoon infestation at his place of residence, and thus was willing to eat virtually anything, including a caesar salad cooked by a 28 year old Canadian who looks 15. The investigator noted that the 28 year old who looks 15 does not actually go by the name "Ken Dawg Marshall".

And finally this week, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon took a holiday excursion to his homeland of Thailand (china? Phillipines?) to profess to the Gods of team play that he would forgoe his responsibilities in the fucking handicap pot this season.

"It's become a distraction, and I know this," said the Captain. "Even my boo, Barbara Palvin-Tabon, says that I spend more money taking dollar bills from fucking white trash deadbeats than I do concentrating on lovemaking, which upsets her because holy christ can I please a woman."