Shot Boy, Meister Testify

Washington D.C. -

Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and BDS legal counsel First Captain Kevin Meister were in Washington this week to testify before the Senate Corruption Committee with regard to what in the fuck is going on with the TNT league this year.

Meister opened the session with one of the most powerful and romantically moving statements in Senate history, pleading with lawmakers to suspend debt ceiling discussions until a thorough investigation of TNT's practices could be completed.

"Pillars to the left of me ... post bowwwwwwlllinggg to the right (pronounced raaht). Am I not a man? Am I not a bowler? Do the Wallendas and BDS not bleed if you cut them? Because gentlemen, El Presidente has cut us deep. Cut us to the very soul. Anthony Cortese is full of evil soup, the kind of corrupt meal that while delicious ... (ten minute pause) ... it fills you with hate. Now, I'm a simple man, but it seeeeeemmmmmsss to meeee .... that two of the best teams in the league should get a fair chance during a league season. And that's just not the case here gentlemen," said Meister.

According to Shot Boy's testimony, the league has been completely fucked this season. One egregious violation occurred when "first place" Evil Soup enjoyed the subbing services of one Harold "The Thief" McNeverleaves bowling a 317 game with handicap, which is technically only possible in Cuba. I mean what is the fuck. Not to mention some dude bowling a 700 series against BDS and then mysteriously being unable to bowl the following week even though he showed up, paving the way for that fucking Harold dude to show up and eyeball the foam hacksaw for four hours like a god damn psycho. I know he's going to try and steal that shit. And what a fucking clusterfuck with these lanes being fucked up so it's thrown to a vote to postpone a week, yet somehow it's not mentioned that if we postpone a week then we're actually skipping it.

"It's no way to run a league," said Shot Boy. "Congressmen, I implore you to stop cheating on your wives while lecturing me on values long enough to take a look at this. The fate of our nation is at stake, probably. And just let me say, no Senate investigation is complete without taking a break and enjoying a nice glass of Southern Comfort, the official spirit of Shot Boy. Its smooth smooth flavor and satisfying finish is just what the doctor ordered. Welcome to flavor country."

Cuba's official state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast, was also in Washington to report on the story, and released an official statement.

"United States residents Clint Tabon and Kevin Meister testified before the devil Senate today and asked them to allocate funds to honor El Presidente, the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban documents. Tabon and Meister expressed their anger that their nazi-commie government didn't have the strength to honor the greatest man alive, the honorable anti-corruption pioneer we are honored to call El Presidente. He runs the fairest bowling league in the land, according to Tabon and Meister, and they are quite pleased with the open communication and non-corruption the league is experiencing this season. All hail 2011 Summer League champs Evil Soup, said Tabon and Meister. This team is in no way some sort of rigged puppet regime team placed in the league solely to dethrone the cheating Back Door Santa, as a matter of fact Evil Soup has been in the league for years, according to official Cuban documents."

In other BDS news, invites were mailed out this week for the first annual Hacktoberfest, to be held in Hacktober at Hacksaw's hops and barley plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. Hacktoberfest is the annual celebration of the fall beer calibration, when the first 8 billion barrels of Back Door Ale are distributed to the public. It's rumored that Hacksaw will use the event to unveil his latest purchase, Saturn.

"I can't comment directly as the contracts have not been signed," said Hacksaw. "But I'm known around these parts as a bit of a 'ringer' and I thought, What better way to celebrate calibration than by purchasing the biggest rings I could find. I called up my real estate agent Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on planetary investment, and we were surprised to see that we were the only bidder for Saturn."

In troubling BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons entered a rehabilitation center after enduring a two-week bender and hitting rock top. According to witnesses, the trouble started when Powderkeg's parter-in-crime, noted womanizer Cobra "Kai" Tabon, flew in from Florida at the beginning of July and goaded Powderkeg into going out to get some bitches. The boiling point was reached two weeks ago during BDS's match against this other team, and Powderkeg and Cobra showed up drunk as fuck on Gutter Juice, a potent mixture of PowderBull, absinthe, and guile. Witnesses said that it seemed as though Powderkeg temporarily forgot how much he loved to bowl and spent the majority of the time swinging Cobra Kai around the bowling alley while throngs of women fainted.

"I love three things: bowling, being a champion, and Gutter Juice. Unfortunately for me, those things are not always compatible. I'd like to stress that I apologize for letting my teammates down, It's not all Cobra's fault. All of these years I've watched him turn into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim of Cobra Kai Tabon. I will not stand here and let the media disparage the good folks at Gutter Juice. They make a good product, a product that was just invented by me. I would like to take this time to announce that Cobra Kai Tabon and I have reached a deal with Hacksaw Inc to ferment and bottle a new product called Gutter Juice. It's a 750-proof energy beverage powered by the rings of Saturn."

In preparation for the production of Gutter Juice, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, added a new wing to his barley and hops plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. The wing is a combination potato farm and planetary particle harvester. I don't really know where I'm going with this exactly but the point is that Powderkeg invented Gutter Juice and it's going to be fermented and bottled at Haücksaüw. This blog entry really escalated quickly.

And finally this week, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish underwent surgery in Birmingham, AL this week to repair his torn labia. The surgery was performed by famed physician Dr. James Andrews, who was guided during the process by Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on labia repair. According to sources, Dynamite had been hoping that the labia would heal on its own with intense physical therapy, but in the end he opted for surgery in hopes that he could begin not killing his team just by showing up. Dr. Hackosaur's surgery includes creating a small incision near the labia, and then bitch slapping the patient until he mans the fuck up and stops being a bitch.

Cortese Hired By Corrupution Enthusiast

Havana, Cuba - The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, announced today that it had hired TNT secretary Tony Cortese as its new editor-in-chief.

"It is with great pride and accuracy that we announce the hiring of beloved Cuban-Italian Anthony Cortese as the new editor-in-chief of our hallowed publication," said Corrupution Enthusiast on its front page. "His honest, no-nonsense reporting style will fit nicely with our history of accuracy and journalistic integrity. We have enjoyed reading his weekly updates to the TNT league which display his trademark objectivity towards TNT defending champions, according to official Cuban records, Pants On the Ground."

According to official statements, Cortese was hired once Corruption Enthusiast got the go-ahead from El Presidente, the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban documents. El Presidente was in the middle of one of his trademark 400 games when he paused to rescue an orphan from capitalism and then meet with Cortese to discuss his writing style.

"Tony is my kind of writer," said the honorable El Presidente. "We don't care what actually happened on a Thursday. We care about what's printed the following Tuesday and distributed to the league. Sometimes it takes a couple days of reflection to accurately portray last week's results, regardless of the scores at the time."

In other league news, the members of Back Door Santa held a meeting in Paris at the HAE-O in order to regroup after being rolled over during last week's matchup, where they were only able to muster a tie against Evil Sooop because they got rolled over.

"We got rolled over," said team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "It's the only way to accurately convey a situation in which each team ends up with the exact same amount of points. We were annihilated."

Witnesses said that the BDS boys held a closed-door meeting, followed by a tour of the newest wing of the HAE-O, the Hall of Excellence. The $372 billion exhibition was designed by Hackosaur, the world's pre-eminent expert on museum wing architecture, and features statues and oil paintings commemorating the historic Back Door Santa championship run of August 2011.

John "Hacksaw" Serris, the museum's owner, decided to fund the project now even though the season is not yet over, in the interests of time.

"Championship Week this season falls right in the middle of brewery season," said Hacksaw. "My focus in August will be on this year's batch."

In an effort to increase the efficiency of the brewery process, Hacksaw announced the completion of his latest masterpiece, a 75,000 acre hops and barley plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, outfitted the plantation with a 37-story brewery, 2,000 John Deere tractors, a laser light exhibit, a moon lander, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. Haücksaüw will be capable of producing 400,000 gallons of Back Door Ale per day, and is situated on the viewing deck of his airborne training center, the congruously-named Yo Hacka Hacka.

"One of the key components of the brewing process is relative humidity," said Hacksaw. "As I designed my plantation with Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on meteorology, we decided that an airborne plantation will allow us to adjust altitude based on optimal humidity. It's just a pet project of mine."

The completion of Haücksaüw is welcome news for the world's championship beer drinkers, as historically Hacksaw had been unable to keep up supply in the face of increasing demand. The Associated Press noted that the supply of Back Door Ale had run dry in recent weeks, upsetting beverage enthusiasts everywhere, most notably pregnant women who are fucking pissed off, how do you only make 48 bottles, what are you some kind of idiot.

In other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons won an award last night at The ESPY's for "World's Most Handsome Handsomeologist." Surely fueled by his recent increase in pin accuracy, Powderkeg beat out fellow nominees Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, Los Angeles Beerframes skipper Mocha Hurricane: Class 5, and Turkey Juice sexpot Brandon Irons Hally by the narrowest of margins.

"It's with great pride, honor, and accuracy that I accept this award," said Powderkeg. "It's an honor to be nominated, especially when much of this group is very handsomely-pantsed. I just try to show up every week, calibrate the lanes, really learn the nuances. I just love to bowl."

Powderkeg was accompanied to the ESPY's by the star of TNT's "Falling Skies", identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons."

"Right now I'm thinking of another meeting - IN BED," said Powderkeg.

And finally, in dramatic news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was served with a cease-and-desist letter from his own legal counsel, First Captain Kevin Meister. In the letter, FC Meister demanded that Dynamite cease and desist from not writing about Meister in this week's blog, but maybe Meister should have thought twice about calling him a queer in response to what sources said was a very nice and thoughtful email from Dynamite this week.

Shot Boy: Dynamite Not Out (Probably)

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon held a press conference today to refute rumors that the team was preparing to replace legendary weak link Dynamite Chris Parish.

"There is no truth to the rumors, originally posted in the official state newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, that we are going to replace Dynamite," said Shot Boy. "While it's true that in his absence we have ascended the league standings at a rapid rate, he originally purchased our trademark foam Hacksaw so we are fucking stuck unfortunately."

Dynamite was absent from last week's matchups due to the birth of his wonderchild, the adorably-named Dynagirl, and Back Door Santa was so ill-prepared that they swept all four games and climbed into second place. Rumors began circling that the team held a secret meeting aboard Dynagirl's flying training center, the congruously-named "Yo Hacka Hacka", and discussed with Hackosaur about the youngster's progress and potential ability to step in for the remainder of the TNT season.

According to witnesses, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on infant training and team harmony, indicated that Dynagirl was still only bowling at a consistent 290-pin level and he would need a few more weeks to shore up training before she would be ready for the grueling TNT schedule. Also, she's still only zero.

In other league news, BDS legal counsel First Captain Kevin Meister returned to Los Angeles after successfully defending his latest client, Casey Anthony, in the murder trial of her two year old daughter that she murdered. Casey "The Guilty Murderer" Anthony, as she's known in murderous circles, was acquitted on all charges of murdering her daughter after Meister convinced the jury that Anthony's murdery qualities would probably come back to haunt them if they convicted her.

"Miss Anthony is a murderer, and as such is not afraid of murder, or murdering anyone," said Meister in his closing remarks. "She will definitely murder you, just as sure as she murdered her two year old daughter. I ask that the jury look at all of the evidence and then remember that I guarantee you'll be murdered if you find my client guilty."

Meister then flew via Johnny Skymaster to Paris to attend the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the recently renovated Louvre, or as it's known now, Hacksaw's Arty Emporium & Observatory (HAE-O). Team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, recently purchased the museum in an effort to improve American-Frenchie relations.

"The proceeds from Hackosaur's soconium research have allowed me the time and resources to invest into one of my favorite pasttimes, renovating historic museums. I look forward to helping art lovers across the country enjoy these beautiful paintings the way they were meant to be enjoyed - the Hacksaw way," said Hacksaw in a statement.

The new and improved HAE-O boasts a 14 story rock-climbing wall, 2 miles of bulletproof glass surrounding the Mona Lisa, a rodeo, a SCUBA certification center, 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications, and Mount Rushmore, recently moved from South Dakota via the Hack-A-Whirl.

And finally this week, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons announced the arrival of his new energy drink, PowderBull. The beverage will be available nationwide at all Johnny Foodmaster locations, and is a combination of Coors Light, Southern Comfort, and 6,000 pentagrams of ginseng. One can costs $10,000 and the exciting drink sold out in four seconds.

"It's a combination of what drives me," said Powderkeg in a statement. "I kept the price point high to deter ugly people from making the purchase. This isn't something that's going to make you handsome if you're not starting with a handsome base. It's more of the final touch that makes a handsome person a champion. There are no guarantees when it comes to winning, but I do guarantee that if you purchase this beverage for $10,000 you will be a champion, assuming you were handsome to begin with."