Dynamite Increases Wonderfulness

Santa Monica, CA

In an effort to increase his handsomeness as his team strives towards the first place finish line, Back Door Santa weak link Dynamite Chris Parish attended a CrossFit training session yesterday.

"That fucking sucked massive ass," said Parish during a press conference after the session. "Jesus Christ."

Scientists at MIT, led by physicist Joe "T-Bone" Trevino, released their much-anticipated handsomeness algorhythm, named the Tabonaserris Dynalyons Theorum, which attempts to mathematically explain the various factors that can impact overall handsomeness of an individual. The TSDL is as follows:

H = [{(r x lob)^cli}/(fndln/#t)] x zf/gm

where
r = ruggedness (in units)
lob = love of bowling (in kilojoules)
cli = coors lights ingested
fndln = frames needed to determine the lane nuances
#t = number of teams out there (max 2)
zf/gm= zack fox balls per game

"Based on the scientifically-proven TSDL, I knew that the only thing I could improve was the number lanes it takes me to determine their nuances," Dynamite continued. "So far this season, I've averaged 30 lanes/week for this metric, and nothing short of my best efforts outside of Bayshore is going to reduce that number, and in turn reduce the denominator of this heralded theorem."

Back Door Santa lost some of their first-place lead last week after the team determined that bowling in person against their legal counsel, played by TV's Kevin Meister, might constitute a conflict of interest.

"BDS made the right move and pre-bowled last week. It was in the best interests of all parties involved," said Meister in a statement while amazingly wearing pants. "They need not give any more ammunition to El Presidente and his nefarious band of corruptionmongers. Unfortunately for BDS, they were unable to support each other in person and did not post their best games. As always, I blame the media."

Team captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon used his time off to undergo a new and controversial vision procedure which will enable him to calculate the mass entity of all ten pins down to the 1/1,000,000th of a femtogram of weight, just by looking at that shit. A website dedicated to him and built by a well-wisher who only goes by the Twitter handle "@moonlyons", canigetinyourpantspleaseshotboy.com, had as of Tuesday gained 6 billion female registered users.

Not to be outdone, hotshot rookie and first round draft pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons took an excursion to his palacial mountain estate in Mammoth, CA in order to test his mettle against the harsh elements. Witnesses reported Powderkeg bowled a 289 on his private lane, which he had built at 12,000 feet atop the Murderhorn, maintaining his strength via a steady diet of PowerSauce bars and Coors Light. ESPN's John Clayton, flown in as a guest of Powderkeg and Madelyn Burke-Lyons, said that Lyons was robbed of a 300 game not by the altitude, but that it took the refs 9 frames to realize that there were two teams out there.

"His fortitude, stamina, and precision have always amazed me," said Burke-Lyons. "And he's even better with regards to his bowling acumen."

In other news, The Huffington Post obtained an excerpt of an interview set to air this week on ABC's 20/20, wherein John "Hacksaw" Serris sat down with Diane Sawyer aboard his 200 foot yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat." Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, had reached a deal with Somerville-based food chain Johnnie's Foodmaster to open a series of luxury grocery stores in the Los Angeles area.

Diane Sawyer: Philanthropist, historian, professional bowler, lover, fisherman. What makes Hacksaw tick?

Hacksaw John Serris: All of the above, Diane, you know me by now. I was put on this earth for one reason: excellence.

DS: We can add one more title to you now: grocer. Has this always been a passion of yours?

HJS: When I first moved out west, I was troubled by the dearth of not only awesome vocabulary words, but luxury grocery stores. The first thing I did after purchasing my yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat", was have a Johnnie's Foodmaster built on the second floor, right above my 14 bowling lanes. And I love those bowling lanes, Diane, they're like my children.

DS: I watched the video of you cutting the ribbon of the newest Foodmaster with your hacksaw. You were very emotional. What was going through your mind?

HJS: You try and give back to the community when they need you most, Diane. The world has given me handsomeness, superb bowling accuracy, a two-by-four, and a 200-foot yacht, the atply-named "Row The Boat." And now, I've given them a Johnnie's Foodmaster.

DS: Your team captain, Shot Boy, recently underwent a radical vision procedure. He did this for the team and for the team only even if he pretends it was for some other shit. How does that make you feel?

HJS: Diane, I promised I wasn't gonna cry! HAYOOOOOOOOOOO

Back Door Santa vs Turkey Juice: Breakdown

ESPN Headquarters
March 17, 2011

Editor's Note: ESPN's John Clayton was invited to breakdown the matchup this week between Backdoor Santa and Turkey Juice; the teams are currently tied for first place in TNT.

Bowling fans across the nation have been waiting years for a match of this magnitude, and it's finally here. Two great teams who take a different approach to the game. On one side, you have the consummate professionals of Turkey Juice, and on the other you've got the brash young upstarts in Back Door Santa. Much has been made of the splash BDS has made this season; the internet is abuzz with complaints about how distracting and unprofessional they are. Actually, the internet is not abuzz because the complainer probably doesn't use the internet for anything other than forwarding emails about Nigerian princes who want to donate millions of dollars if you just forward your bank account number. I digress.

First, let's meet the players on both teams:

Turkey Juice

Brandon "Ira" Hally - a free agent before the Fall 2010 season, Hally won over Turkey Juice fans with his whimsical throwing style and questionable pants. He's believed to be the only league member to shoot a 67 on the golf course and follow that up with a 255 bowling game on the same day. What a son of a bitch.

Ashley "Goeser" Lyontabon - there's nothing corny about this Iowa native's game, and she comprises roughly 100% of the team's overall handicap. Network coverage instituted a 7 second delay while broadcasting her matches due to her foul language.

Aaron "Mocha Lighting" Guyot - this Frenchman is looking to recapture the hearts of America after choking in the championship game last season, barely throwing a 600 series

Sub - since Ben is out this week, Turkey Juice will be relying on a sub for this game. Sources indicate this sub will definitely be a dirty cheater.

Back Door Santa

Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon - the noble player/manager of BDS is highly regarded across the league as the likely successor to corrupt league commissioner El Presidente. He's credited with building a winning team based on his core principles: drink a shitload and see what happens

Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons - this rugged rookie gave up a promising career in handsomology to enter the 2010 TNT draft. His skill and acumen more than make up for the female drama that follows him wherever he goes. Scouts agree that "he just loves to bowl."

John "Hacksaw" Serris - an avid fisherman, Hacksaw is a feared competitor whose only flaw is that he's often too accurate. Rumors have been circulating that game referees frequently forget that there are two teams out there whenever Hacksaw casually tosses one of his screamers at the pins.

Dynamite Chris Parish - analysts fear that Dynamite may never be the same after watching his beloved Sydney mowed down outside the church during her wedding to Craig Fields (played by TV's David Charvet). He remains BDS's wild-card and leads the league this season in average zackfox's per game.

Breakdown Analysis:

Skill: While Back Door Santa bring a long history of being handsome, most analysts would agree that Turkey Juice is one of the most skilled teams in history. Besting them in a head-to-head matchup would seem to be an almost impossible hill for BDS to climb. Throw in the constant and unfair criticism faced by Back Door this season - lawsuits by unions, fights against their well-deserved endorsement deals, girls having pillow fights to win their love - it's going to be difficult for them to focus enough for three games.
Edge: Back Door Santa

Ruggedness: According to John Hollinger's Ruggedness Efficiency Rating (RER), the gents on Back Door Santa are on pace to shatter the previous record, currently held by I Said PBR.
Edge: Back Door Santa

Heart: This is possibly the toughest category to determine, because you can't measure heart. Therefore, it's quite obvious that Edge: Back Door Santa

Intangibles: Aaron "Mocha Lightning" Guyot wears two different shoes. Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons can save puppies with his gaze.
Edge: Back Door Santa

Yacht: John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, has a 200-foot yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat." It's one of the many toys in his collection, along with the car in which Sonny Corleone was shot in "The Godfather" and the convertible driven by Sgt. Chris Lorenzo (played by TV's Rob T. Estes) on "Silk Stalkings."
Edge: Back Door Santa

Celebrity Fans: Hollywood starlets have been flocking to BDS matches this season. Sightings include Rachel Bilson-Lyons, Megan Fox-Lyons, Marion Cotilliard-Lyone, and of course Jack Nicholson-Tabon. Turkey Juice fans include but are not limited to Rebecca Black, that retard who sings that "Friday" song that lists the days of the week for some reason.
Edge: Back Door Santa

Overall: This is a tougher match to predict than any showdown in recent memory. The only real chance Turkey Juice has is if Dynamite Chris Parish needs more than 30 frames to figure out the nuances of the lanes. This has definitely not happened the last 3 weeks in a row so why should it happen now. How is it possible that someone can bowl for essentially 45 weeks straight and still throw the ball like a spazz. Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?
Edge: Even

Back Door Santa Retains Meister

Santa Monica, CA

The New York Times has learned that TNT league members Back Door Santa have retained the legal services of attorney Kevin Meister in their fight to maintain their pending Coors Light sponsorship.

"I have a long history with litigation, and several times I wasn't even the defendant. What El Presidente is trying to do to these handsome devils is an outrage," said Meister in a prepared statement. "I have been on Yahoo! Answers all week searching for information to help my compatriots in the battle for freedom. So far I've learned that if you have a sore finger you have AIDS, the easiest way to find a catsitter is LOL UR GAY, and Nickelback sucks SHUT UP NO WAY FAG."

The Times reports that tensions reached a high point this week during a New Year's Eve party in Havana, Cuba. El Presidente had sworn to BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon that he had nothing to do with the investigation. After Cuban guerillas stormed the party, Shot boy kissed El Presidente on the lips and said "I know it was you, El Presidente. You broke my heart." El Presidente's associates have advised him to stay the hell away from Lake Tahoe for the foreseeable future.

In other news, there was high drama on Twitter this week when someone with the handle "@moonlyons" started throwing grenades at an anonymous user identified only as "@ashleygoeserlyons". A Twitter spokesperson said the company was unable to identify either user as tension mounted. The New York Times was able to find the following tweets from @moonlyons in the Google cache:

- "@ashleygoeserlyons you betta keep your hands off or I will terminate your salvation"
- "@ashleygoeserlyons find your own handsome man who loves bowling and satisfies the ladies constantly and without fail"
- "RT me too pookiepants!! @nicklyons I just love to bowl"
- "RT what lol @nicklyons I can see you outside my window, this is creepy"
- "FollowFriday## @nicklyons @dynamite @hacksaw @shotboy @bdsequalsfreedom"
- "RT I no rite @elpresidente freedom is stupid."

Back Door Santa attempted to deflect interrogation as they huddled up aboard Hacksaw John Serris' 200 foot yacht, "Row The Boat", and practiced on his personal lanes in preparation for this week's showdown against Turkey Juice. This is not the first meeting between the two teams, but the first since rival dreamboat Brandon "Ira" Hally decided to bring his talents to Santa Monica.

"It's going to be a tough match, that's for sure," said Dynamite Chris Parish from the weight room. "My game has faltered a bit lately. We'll need to build up a sizeable lead, like 200 pins, before the last frame when Aaron throws seventy strikes. Speaking of sizeable, I'm lifting so much weight right now it's unbelievable."

In other news, the schedule has been released for Hacksaw's book tour to promote his upcoming memoirs, "Makin the Pizzas: Have a Dream By Two, By Four You Can Make It Happen" (editor's note: it took me ten minutes to come up with that). The tour will visit 35 cities in eleven hours.

"My fans always ask me what makes me great. I've got a limited amount of time and thus can't list all of the reasons plus you pretty much need to be born handsome for any of that other stuff to matter. But I talked to my legal advisor (played by TV's Kevin Meister) and he suggested I write the first of what will be many memoirs. I'm an avid fisherman so the thing pretty much wrote itself," explained Hacksaw to "Good Morning America."

In celebration of the book release, Simon & Schuster announced that they'll be hosting a party on St. Tabon's Day, this Thursday at Bayshore Lanes. The famed book publisher also announced it had donated $4 billion to Bayshore to upgrade its lanes in hopes that bowlers could get through two frames without half of the pins falling down out of the stupid machine where the fuck does our $15 go every week.

Corruption Strikes Again

Santa Monica, CA – The magical season of Back Door Santa continued last week in grand fashion when they swept Ace in the Hole, led by the magnanimous and respected “El Presidente” Rue Meade. While Back Door Santa celebrated their triumph on the lanes, the “official” results have yet to be posted and they are graciously looking forward to being swept by El Presidente.

“To be fair, I did bowl over 200 for the first time in league competition last week, but I also was not aware of the ‘special circumstances’ rule book. So, my 202 will most likely end up being a 95 with handicap”, said bowling phenom, Nick “Powderkeg” Lyons. “I have had a chance to look over these rules and the deductions seem a tad harsh. -100 for being recklessly handsome, -25 for having sparkling blue eyes, the list goes on. Who I feel the worse for is Hacksaw [ John Serris ]. He was hit the hardest by these sanctions. –200 for carrying a foam replica of Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s famed hacksaw. I don’t know, but it seems as if these special rules are targeting BDS. How was Shot Boy [ Clint Tabon ] supposed to know that having tigerblood AND Adonis-DNA would net him a total over 300 pins in deductions.”

Upon hearing of these new deductions, BDS spokesman, entrepreneur, all-pro athlete and dangerously handsome Dynamite Chris Parish, took his case to the TNT bowling commission. Despite many requests by League Secretary Tony “The Scout Master” Cortese to have Dynamite take his shirt off “in order to have his case heard properly”, Chris was able to plead Back Door Santa’s case. It was only due to the actions of the despot of the TNT league, El Presidente, that Dynamite’s eloquent appeal was denied.

ESPN Analyst John Clayton reported live from the hearing and was able to quote Dynamite as he left the proceedings, followed by throngs of women all claiming to be carrying his child. “Being handsome, I understand what it means to be constantly harassed and questioned about being a winner, as well as my flowing locks of hair. I take it in stride, but when a corrupt, indignant terrorist erases another BDS dominating performance from the official records, that is when I have to step in and defend freedom. El Presidente is a cancer on this fair league! He is the cancer and I am the… uh… what cures cancer?”

BDS Signs Coors Light Sponsorship

Santa Monica, CA -

TNT defending-ish champions Back Door Santa held a press conference this morning to announce a partnership with Coors Light.

"Back Door Santa is proud to announce that we have signed an exclusive endorsement deal with the fine folks at Coors in an effort to help increase their brand awareness," said team captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "It was a natural marriage for BDS; this high energy drink has helped us fuel numerous convoys of excellence in the past, and we look forward to a beautiful friendship."

The New York Times is reporting that the deal is worth $600 billion guaranteed, with incentives that could raise the total to over one quadrillion dollars. One such example would be, when they roll a strike handsomely. So they're definitely getting that money.

Coors made an 11th hour offer to our heroes after word leaked that their pending endorsement deal with Southern Comfort wasn't going to happen, mainly because Bay Shore runs out of that shit like every third week. That looked to be the perfect marriage between two top brands in that Southern Comfort is responsible for much of the beloved champs' antics week in and week out - a recent poll of teams in the TNT league showed a 100% approval rating for their shenanigans, so like literally every team loves them according to this poll, so if you're some old broad and you complained to the treasurer because Back Door Santa is unruly, then you're just a damn liar.

Anyway moving on, the rugged Back Door Santa members traveled to Bay Shore lanes to work on their game - a move that many insiders said was a show of solidarity amongst the team: They practice as a TEAM, even if debonair loose cannon Dynamite Chris Parish is the only one who needs actual work on his game because all of the sudden he fucking sucks and the wheels have come off.

Sources have said that the cause of Dynamite's recent struggles with balls may be due to his increasingly abusive relationship with Dr. Dan Hathaway, his sports therapist (played by TV's Greg Evigan). While their relationship initially started at a union of two lost souls, neighbors have recently overheard what sounds like Dynamite getting thrown around the apartment by the high strung and secretly gay doctor. Apparently Hathaway is upset that network execs won't show a gay kiss on TV because it's 1996.

When asked to comment, Dynamite said only "Fuck this, I'm gonna marry Sydney in real life."

BDS rookie Nick "Shot Boy" Lyons was seen at Bay Shore having a heated argument with a Twitter executive, overheard saying 'What do you mean, you can't block @moonlyons from Twitter" and "I can't go five seconds without my phone buzzing due to another of her transparent come-ons. I'm here to bowl, not use Twitter. I just love to bowl."

The Huffington Post was able to obtain excerpts from tonight's "20/20" interview with team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris. The interview was conducted aboard Serris' 200 foot yacht in Marina Del Rey, the aptly named "Rowing The Boat." An avid fisherman, the yacht is equipped with 14 helicopter landing pads, a disco, 14 bowling lanes that are calibrated every fifteen minutes, and a state-of-the-art $984,000 security system designed to protect his foam two-by-four.

Diane Sawyer: Your team annihilated El Presidente last week. He showed obvious signs of anxiety and fear. How do you respond to that?

Hacksaw John Serris: I think that's accurate Diane. I want to stress that Back Door Santa doesn't make a point to intimidate the other team. I said it in my cover story last week in "Tiger Beat" and I'll say it again: we let our balls do the talking.

DS: BDS is known as a team that starts slowly and then ramps up as the game goes on. Is there a reason for this?

HJS: Any good bowler needs a few frames to figure out the nuances of the lane.

DS: Is the team worried about the recent struggles of the team heartthrob, Dynamite Chris Parish?

HJS: I'm not worried. All his life, Dynamite has had one dream: to achieve his many goals.

DS: Do you think his relationship with Dr. Dan Hathaway (played by TV's Greg Evigan) is hurting his game?

HJS: I really liked him when he was on "My Two Dads"

DS: Well put. How are things going with your long-time adversary, NBC's Brian Williams? I know you've been trying to make amends.

HJS: He's still upset ever since I accidentally hit his foot with my two-by-four.

DS: That seems strange for him to be angry after a minor incident

HJS: Well, replace "foot" with "head" and "accidentally" with "repeatedly."

DS: Thank you, John. Are you single?

HJS: HAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Tough Week For BDS

Santa Monica, CA

Back Door Santa has had to overcome numerous obstacles in the wake of their disputed sweep at the hands of The Cheaters during last week's matchup. In what The New York Times is called "a blatant attack against freedom," BDS lost four straight games and now stands to be out of the running for the league championship (haha sorry, that was even funny to type).

Nevertheless, our heroes must dust off their Italian dodo-skin bowling shoes as they face their biggest challenge to date: El Presidente.

"Jesus Christ this week is going to be annoying," said debonair team spokesman and weak link Dynamite Chris Parish. "As far as I can tell, El Presidente doesn't even bowl. His matches must take seven hours. I mean the dude is always on someone else's lane spewing his off-color brand of jibber jabber. One might think that this is just a motivational ploy he uses, but I can assure you he's not that intelligent. He's sickeningly corrupt and arrogant, but not intelligent."

ESPN is reporting that there is also a brewing rift between BDS team members Dynamite Chris Parish and Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. Sources told John Clayton that Dynamite contacted Shot Boy to schedule a meeting on Wednesday, but Shot Boy said he was too hung over to meet up like a little bitch. Dynamite then asked if Shot Boy's husband was available for a drink, to which Shot Boy responded "You're not my boss, you're not the king of me, I'm the fucking king of Shot Boy!!!"

The Los Angeles times confirmed that Shot Boy quit his job this week at Shooters so that he could fully concentrate on winning the league championship. This news did not sit well with rugged Jake Hanson, the owner of Shooters and former flame of Amanda Woodward, head of D&D Advertising. Hanson had just broken up with Jo Reynolds (played by TV's Daphne Zuniga) because she sucks and was about to nail hot ass Jane Mancini when Shot Boy delivered the news. Hanson was reportedly so angry that he took off his shirt and worked on his motorcycle.

In other BDS news, John "Hacksaw" Serris traveled to New York City to give an interview with Dateline NBC and try and make amends with his arch-nemesis Brian Williams. This proved futile when Hacksaw showed up at Williams' office and the door was locked; the NBC anchor refused to stop hiding under his desk for fear of another attack from Hacksaw. Within seconds Hacksaw had brandished his foam 2x4 and easily broke the lock using his combined pinpoint precision and brute strength. He then commented "HAYOOOOOOOOO" and boarded his private jet, Hacksaw One, so he could return to Santa Monica in time for this week's matchup.

In other other news, BDS rookie and resident heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons finally joined Twitter, and within one day had over a million followers, including @moonlyons who would not stop sending him sexy pictures. This coincided with an interview on Howard Stern, where Lyons stated that "I am on a drug. It’s called Powderkeg. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

When asked to elaborate on his exquisite bowling form, Lyons said "I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro."