Thursday, May 31, 2012
Report: Dynamite stuck in Cuban hotbox
Parts unknown - Our handsome leader of all things newsworthy has been kidnapped. He was able to escape anonymous nefarious clutches just long enough to post the usual good luck news story. He sent a telegram from some sort of Cuban hotbox that is planning to travel to Bayshore Lanes tonight. All hail the fair and non-kidnapper El Presidente. HAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Thursday, May 24, 2012
BayShore IPO Costs Investors Billions
Investors were reeling this week after the highly anticipated BayShore Lanes initial public offering not only failed to deliver, but fell 50% below its initial $38 offering after a day of trading.
Market investors rushed to dump BayShore shares as Morningstar downgraded its rating to "Z minus minus", culminating in one of the biggest IPO disasters in Wall Street history.
The initial offering started swimmingly on Thursday as the price soared above $10 million/share based on that day's performance of Back Door Santa, known to be the most valuable asset in the Bayshore engine. However, at roughly 9:30pm, Bayshore was infiltrated by a nefarious unknown assailant, known on Wall Street as "The Wet Blanket." Initially identified as an accomplice to the corrupt El Presidente, it was later determined that no amount of corruption would cause a handsome despot to associate with people who are fucking awful.
According to eye witnesses, members of the Bayshore board of directors convened in the lounge shortly after the end of that week's bowling matches; as the board members typically enjoy each other's company, as well as are Americans and thus can choose with whom to spend time and on whom to spend money, and thus made the decision - as was their right as Americans - to enjoy some festivities by invitation only. Things were going according to plan until as is often the case, someone had to fucking ruin it because fuck you, that's why. But I'm sure this week it will be all Hey buy me shots haha I'm fun right? Yeah I'm fun buy me shots that's what you do right you're the guy who buys everyone shots hey why are you talking to her. There is not one god damn ounce of self-awareness anywhere in my brain.
So anyway like, so Bayshore had an IPO - but around 9:32pm, word got back to investors on Wall Street about the nefarious Wet Blanket, known for destroying a company's value from the inside in a matter of seconds.
"Typically, investors are scared off when there is an indication that a company lacks the strength to maintain long-term profits," said Jim Cramer of CNBC's analysis show 'Cocaine Cowboys'. "Often times even the strongest company cannot survive when infiltrated by a rogue plague - in this case, someone who's idea of a good time is a night in the Cuban hotbox."
In other news, this reporter just got pissed off thinking about this whole incident, and is going to take some time in the English hotbox to prepare for tonight's match HAYOOOOOOO
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Hackosaur Investigates "Cuban Hotbox"
Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, tired of one bullshit thing in TNT after another, dispatched his trusted adviser Hackosaur to investigate suspicious activity from last weekend's team post bowl.
According to TNT inside sources, league despot El Presidente announced during week 1 that week 2 was canceled due to some sort of nefariousness. However, once it was determined that the entity of Back Door Santa had made other plans, suddenly league bowling was not canceled. Thus, those handsome devils in Back Door Santa were forced to post-bowl on a Saturday in order to comply with the incredulous league secretary Tony "Dan" Cortese, who apparently never does anything ever that isn't bowling and as such was quite surprised that BDS was able to make alternate plans for a Thursday with only six days' notice.
Witnesses say that BDS showed up early on a Saturday morning, and almost immediately after the appearance of noted misanthrope and league Vice Presidente Ravi P. Coltrane, the temperature at Bay Shore Lanes reached a staggering 174 degrees, making it virtually impossible for the lads to post any sort of acceptable score. This phenomenon, known as the "Cuban hotbox", is described by scientists and law enforcement as an incident where the temperature inside a building reaches heights deemed virtually impossible to occur naturally; for example, when the temperature outside is 62 degrees and the temperature in the bowling alley is 174 degrees, and there is a high level of noted co-horts of El Presidente in attendance, who are bowling right next to you even though there are 22 other lanes open.
"The Cuban hotbox blurs the nuances and warps the grains in the mahogany," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "You may be bowling on the slick sturdy surface of a mahogany originating from Vaca Del Mar in Paraguay, but the heat creates a malleability in the wood that makes it perform, while in a Cuban hotbox, as though it's from the dense forests of Lago de las Tacones from Port-of-Spain. Obviously in this situation it's going to take more than a game to calibrate, and as soon as we figured out the accurate calibration, they turned the heat up higher."
In response, Hacksaw assigned Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on abnormal heating practices originating from the Caribbean, to the investigation in hopes that damning proof could be found to implicate El Presidente and give BDS a chance during a young summer season that's already seen a roughly 4,000% increase in fucking nonsense.
Hackosaur researched the Cuban hotbox phenomenon and determined that during each instance in history, there were several thematic constants:
- some sort of last minute scheduling change, enabling nefarious parties to deliver necessary equipment to a location
- stickyness applied to the floor of all bowling lanes so that bowlers are forced to use the lanes positioned at the apex of the heating equipment
- a corrupt league official, in this case Ravi P. Coltrane, in attendance to ensure the heating equipment is at full functionality
- a complex score rigging system, often found in Cuba, to inflate the scores of the opponent's bowling team to a hilarious level given that we witnessed them attempt to bowl the week before
- a series of suspicious road closures and traffic jams to ensure late arrival of Powderkeg, who is never late for non-airport driving reasons
In other news, the news desk didn't realize the time until just now and has to drive to bowling HAYO!!!!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
BDS Plan Annual Retreat To Prepare for Summer Championship
Mt. Hackhorn, CA -
The Associated Press is reporting that the members of Back Door Santa will take their annual retreat this weekend in order to prepare for their 2012 TNT Summer Championship.
According to sources, the handsome fellows will spend Saturday on the peak of Mt. Hackhorn, the most remote area of North America. Located above the foothills of La Cañada, Mt. Hackhorn is an estimated 332,000 feet from Bay Shore Lanes.
BDS will be staying in a rustic log cabin mansion built by team ringer and outdoor enthusiast John "Hacksaw" Serris. In an effort to champion his cause to increase environmental standards worldwide, the ruggedly-named Hacksaw Arctic Yard Observatory (HAYO) was constructed with all organic materials, including 80,000 different mahogany logs, one for each breed of the fine wood found in the world. The front door, for example, is comprised of a 7 foot thick piece of mahogany grown only in Quintero, Chile on Boulevard De Calcetìnes.
In order to reduce the carbon footprint, HAYO is powered by 32 trillion solar panels, which collect energy from Hacksaw's sun and use said energy to power 14,000 fans which blow carbon emissions towards San Bernardino and other places nobody gives a shit about. As a means to preserve as much of the natural habitat as possible, Hacksaw broke from the style of his other properties and installed a mere 13 bowling lanes built to his exact specifications. Each one is surrounded by a 4 billion kilowatt electric fence that can turn any bird or mountain lion that gets within 200 yards of the lane to vapor in 2.5 nanoseconds.
Mt. Hackhorn was discovered by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon while he was hiking the trails of Siberia; while looking for his emergency bottle of SoCo, Shot Boy casually glances to the southeast and noticed an uninhabited summit miles away from Santa Monica. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, immediately dispatched his real estate advisor, Hackosaur, to appraise Mt. Hackhorn.
"I sent Hackosaur up to the La Cañada civic center to make a deal. As the world's foremost expert on alpine summit purchases, he did his homework and made an offer. We were surprised to find we were the only bidder," said Hacksaw.
The spring weather at Mt. Hackhorn is cold and fierce, where nighttime temperatures rarely get above 50 degrees Farenheit. As such, each member of BDS will be equipped with boots made from the ankle hairs of 231 week old barbary servals, an endangered species on the brink of extinction in Algeria. Harvesting of the hair from the barbary servals during the limited window is difficult, and some say completely unnecessary, as the ankle hair of a 231 week old barbary serval provides no greater warmth than a $25 pair of boots from Target. Environmentalists also argue that while the Hacksaw Barbary Serval Harvest Alliance traditionally rewards each animal for its troubles by bequeathing unto them a $25 gift card to Johnnie Foodmaster, the barbary servals often lose these gift cards because they don't have any pockets in which to carry the gift cards.
The HBSHA refuted those claims this week, stating that while gift cards are not as valuable to the consumer as a simple cash payment, nevertheless the are of value and it's not up to the merchant in these situations to take responsibility for the financial situation of a barbary serval. I mean that's just ridiculous.
According to sources, the handsome fellows will spend Saturday on the peak of Mt. Hackhorn, the most remote area of North America. Located above the foothills of La Cañada, Mt. Hackhorn is an estimated 332,000 feet from Bay Shore Lanes.
BDS will be staying in a rustic log cabin mansion built by team ringer and outdoor enthusiast John "Hacksaw" Serris. In an effort to champion his cause to increase environmental standards worldwide, the ruggedly-named Hacksaw Arctic Yard Observatory (HAYO) was constructed with all organic materials, including 80,000 different mahogany logs, one for each breed of the fine wood found in the world. The front door, for example, is comprised of a 7 foot thick piece of mahogany grown only in Quintero, Chile on Boulevard De Calcetìnes.
In order to reduce the carbon footprint, HAYO is powered by 32 trillion solar panels, which collect energy from Hacksaw's sun and use said energy to power 14,000 fans which blow carbon emissions towards San Bernardino and other places nobody gives a shit about. As a means to preserve as much of the natural habitat as possible, Hacksaw broke from the style of his other properties and installed a mere 13 bowling lanes built to his exact specifications. Each one is surrounded by a 4 billion kilowatt electric fence that can turn any bird or mountain lion that gets within 200 yards of the lane to vapor in 2.5 nanoseconds.
Mt. Hackhorn was discovered by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon while he was hiking the trails of Siberia; while looking for his emergency bottle of SoCo, Shot Boy casually glances to the southeast and noticed an uninhabited summit miles away from Santa Monica. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, immediately dispatched his real estate advisor, Hackosaur, to appraise Mt. Hackhorn.
"I sent Hackosaur up to the La Cañada civic center to make a deal. As the world's foremost expert on alpine summit purchases, he did his homework and made an offer. We were surprised to find we were the only bidder," said Hacksaw.
The spring weather at Mt. Hackhorn is cold and fierce, where nighttime temperatures rarely get above 50 degrees Farenheit. As such, each member of BDS will be equipped with boots made from the ankle hairs of 231 week old barbary servals, an endangered species on the brink of extinction in Algeria. Harvesting of the hair from the barbary servals during the limited window is difficult, and some say completely unnecessary, as the ankle hair of a 231 week old barbary serval provides no greater warmth than a $25 pair of boots from Target. Environmentalists also argue that while the Hacksaw Barbary Serval Harvest Alliance traditionally rewards each animal for its troubles by bequeathing unto them a $25 gift card to Johnnie Foodmaster, the barbary servals often lose these gift cards because they don't have any pockets in which to carry the gift cards.
The HBSHA refuted those claims this week, stating that while gift cards are not as valuable to the consumer as a simple cash payment, nevertheless the are of value and it's not up to the merchant in these situations to take responsibility for the financial situation of a barbary serval. I mean that's just ridiculous.
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