BDS Offered Second Place

Santa Monica, CA -

BDS discuss what to do with their second place earnings

According to reports, TNT rapscallions Back Door Santa were offered a deal this morning to accept second place and avoid the embarrassment of a public beat down at the hands of Crank Funk in tonight's championship game.

"I think they should take the deal," said ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton. "No way they sweep Crank Funk tonight. The Funk have won 16 games in a row against top competition. I can't stress enough how there is absolutely no chance that Back Door Santa wins four games tonight."

The highly anticipated championship match pits up-and-comers Crank Funk against two-time champions Back Door Santa - or as they're widely known, "those douchebags with the 2x4." Vegas has taken odds off the table as this is predicted to be the most lopsided final in TNT history, with Crank Funk cruising to another victory. 

Crank Funk has dominated this season by playing the game the right way, playing station-to-station ball, and acting like they've been there before. BDS, on the other hand, has shown multiple times that they can't step it up when they absolutely need it, concluding with last week when they needed a 958 in the final game and only got 957.

The Twittersphere was robust this morning with celebrities tweeting their thoughts about tonight's pending championship match.

"Hey @backdoorsanta just give it up - there's no way you make any shots tonight."
- @carlychaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family

"Hey @pablolyons you ready for tonight? I'm talking specifically about fixing the match against BDS"
- @elpresidente, noted despot and leader of Cuba

"I do not exist"
- @hacksputin, mysterious non-existing person.

To back up his claims, ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton broke down tonight's matchup in hopes that BDS would come to their senses and forfeit.

Recent Performance:

Back Door Santa has not won a championship since April 2011, meanwhile Crank Funk nearly won earlier this year, and has been in first place virtually all of the summer season. Furthermore, they play the game the right way.

Edge: Crank Funk

Consistency:

BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons is in danger of giving up his Most Consistent award for the first time in 7 seasons after an up-and-down summer season that was mostly down. The former first-round pick, noted for not loving bowling, has no chance of breaking out of his slump tonight as he's never shown a propensity to perform when it matters most - as long as you don't ask any ladies or look at any past performances when it mattered.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, have been consistent all season against top competition.

Edge: Crank Funk

Weak Link: 

BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish is on the verge of breaking the TNT record for weak linkiness this season. It's really unbelievable at this point how he's still on the team, and it must be noted that TNT secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese recently suggested that teams only have 3 members, reported on the urging from BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, has no weak link.

Edge: Crank Funk

Nefarious Associations:

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has discussed on numerous occasions his involvement with a mysterious notary known only as "Hacksputin". Nothing is known about Hacksputin - he does not exist in any tax records despite owning a 300-foot yacht. Since his alleged involvement with Back Door Santa, which began in the summer of 2013, BDS has seen nothing but failure, barely making it to the championship game for the first time in two years. Furthermore, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has involved Hacksputin in two failed investments - a feline veterinary wing called KHAT and an addition to Yo Hacka Hacka called HONDA - which are both barely wildly and historically profitable.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no known associations other than a deep and binding association with the fair and non-nefariousy leader of TNT, El Presidente

Edge: Crank Funk

Farm System: 

The desire for a championship has gutted the BDS farm system, and its only true prospect, Dynagirl, has been unable to reach the 300 mark despite constant training from Hackosaur. She was almost traded for Jeff Bagwell earlier this summer after not eating her yogurt and finishing the day with a 299.53.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no failed prospects.

Edge: Crank Funk

Ability to Enter The Construction Zone:

BDS captain my captain Clint 'Shot Boy' Tabon came within 11 pins last week of entering the construction zone; according to Vegas, he never will, especially tonight. Las Vegas cannot stress enough that there is absolutely no chance Shot Boy enters The Construction Zone on his way to a third TNT title today on August 22, 2013.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, play the game the right way.

Edge: Crank Funk

Prediction - while we strongly urge Back Door Santa to take the plea bargain and secure second place, in the event that they brazenly decide to bowl tonight, we predict a historic beatdown wherein Crank Funk wins by so many pins that they are awarded 5 points and their first championship.

BDS To Bowl For Charity

Santa Monica, CA -

As reports surfaced this week that TNT despot El Presidente was planning on rigging tonight's final regular season matchup against two time champion Back Door Santa, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that BDS would be bowling for charity this evening in hopes that the increased spotlight and humanitarianism would persuade El Presidente to engage in fair competition.

BDS take the lanes this evening against their long-time rivals Split It and Quit It, who own a lifetime 22-2 record against BDS. Even with ringleader Easy Dan Miller having mentally checked out of bowling in favor of pre-marital bliss, Vegas has Split It as 1-4,000,000 favorites against BDS tonight.

Hacksaw stepped into action after an article ran in Corruption Enthusiast, the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, describing Split It's remarkable 7 point victory on Thursday, three days before the match was even played. The resulting 7 point loss for BDS knocked them out of competition for the top spot this season.

The article included a picture of El Presidente handing an unidentified short Cuban-American 4 trillion Cuban pesos and a note that clearly read "Here is some money which is explicitly for the purpose of knocking down all of Split It's pins on Thursday. Good Luck Pablo - your friend, El Presidente." The caption for the photo simply read "Our beloved presidente greets his fans."

"We can't seem to get a fair shake," said Hacksaw to the Associated Press. "But does El Presidente have the nefariousness to rig a match when BDS is playing for a noble charity? We're about to find out."

As a result, Hacksaw announced that BDS would be bowling tonight for Humans Against Corruption and chicKanery (HACK) - a for-profit organization that helps fund the bowling training for any American youth, provided they reside in Hermosa Beach, CA and were born on June 24 2011 at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

HACK was started back on August 7th 2013 by noted samaritan Hacksputin, an alleged associate of BDS and world-renowned bowling psychologist. While there has been no legal evidence that Hacksputin even exists, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti quickly approved his application, including all applicable federal and state tax exemptions.

CNN reported that HacksputInc, a solo entity with no legal or financial ties to Hacksaw, would receive an immediate $42 trillion federal tax rebate as a result of its recent filing.

In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, announced the completion of the new training wing of his airborne bowling facility, Yo Hacka Hacka. The new space, the famously-named Hacksaw's Orbiting & Nautical Dynagirl Auditorium (HONDA), boasts a jungle gym, a 785 story luxury hotel and spa, Lenin's tomb, Thor, an ancient redwood forest, and an IMAX theater showing all episodes of Curious George, including the famous episode where The Man In The Yellow Hat is surprised when he gives heavy responsibility to a fucking monkey and then something goes awry. Tax records show that HONDA cost $42 trillion dollars even.

"DynaGirl's getting close in her training," said Hacksaw. "She hit a 299.47 last week - it was originally a 300 game, but I penalized her 0.53 pins because she opened 4 yogurts but ate none of them. I felt like an upgrade to her training facility is the final step."

Report: Veterinarians Union of America Protests Hacksaw

Santa Monica, CA

Kittysaw lines up a strike

The Veterinary Union of America (VUOA) launched an official protest this week of BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris after Hacksaw used his vast funds to build a $15 billion bowling complex in the lung cancer wing of a local veterinary clinic.

According to the Associated Press, the complex, the veraciously-named Kitty & Hacksaw Athletic Theater (KHAT) was built after a close associate of Hackosaur, Kittysaw, was admitted to the clinic for treatment of lung cancer.

The Santa Monica City Council approved the zoning for KHAT after they were presented with a notarized application from Hacksaw thirty seconds before the deadline. It was notarized by a famed notary public and zoning enthusiast who goes only by the name Hacksputin.

"I have never met Hacksputin, in fact I don't know anyone who has, even though he's in this office seven times a week notarizing various permits for Hacksaw," said LA mayor Eric Garcetti. "That said, his penmanship is remarkable. It's almost as lovely on the eyes as Hacksaw's signature on this signed AMF Membership that Hacksaw framed for me after I won the mayoral election earlier this year. You can see it right behind me - right below the inscription "I own you and this entire fucking city you god damn puppet. Now eat your hasbrowns."

The VUOA members are protesting under the grounds that they are unable to perform medical procedures on any patients of the clinic other than Kittysaw due to the vast expanse of KHAT.

"In order to build this thing, Hacksaw had to knock down 99% of the clinic along with the four adjoining city blocks," said VUOA president Richard C. Normous. "Every single animal in this city is in danger, especially little yippy dogs. All that's left of the clinic is the feline operating table, and we don't even need that anymore because the one in KHAT is way better."

An article in Architectural Digest states that KHAT is 31 stories high and contains 40 billion feet of yard, an IMAX theater, Google headquarters, 3/4ths of Canada, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.

The jewel of KHAT, the article continues, is a state-of-the-art feline lung cancer operating room, complete with a $19 trillion soconium-powered cancer detection mechanism capable of detecting cancerous cells from 74 million light years away.

"Hackosaur called me and was worried," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "The thing they never tell you about cancer treatment is the impact it can have on your bowling game, because treatment takes time away from the lanes. So I did what any normal human being would: I got a permit, razed 4 city blocks and almost an entire animal clinic, and spent trillions of dollars building a complex so that a cat undergoing lung cancer treatment wouldn't miss a step."