Lack of Blog Bad Luck

Hermosa Beach, CA

Despite an inability to corral the latest news updates due to a business trip this week, the Associated Press is reporting that this post right here counts as a full blog post, because a lack of blog post is bad luck.

The AP is also reporting that an "epic" post is on its way this weekend but that its team of reporters is in San Diego without internet access, and 3G wireless coverage is "less than adequate" due to "corruption."

#OccupadoHacksaw Cripples Spain

Madrid, Espana -

The Spanish government has been scrambling this week to prevent a complete economic collapse as its entire worker base flooded the streets of Madrid for a protest known as #OccupadoHacksaw.

According to the Associated Press, the citizens of Spain have reached their limit with the bumbling government, and vow to protest until their country is purchased by BDS team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, noted philanthropist, multi-quadrillionaire, and majority owner of Europe.

"Nosotros no les gustan los leaders de Espana!", chanted the protestors. "Queremos El Guapo Hacksaw y su dinosaur de DNA viejo y guile, Hackosaur!"

The protestors have been unanimous in their belief that Spain should have been part of the recent deal wherein Hacksaw shrewdly sold Mars to Europe for parts of Finland, both Irelands, and 6 of the 31 counties in Portugal. Support in the current government has waned even further the last two weeks, as the Spanish citizens have been glued to their television sets watching Hacksaw's recent TNT-wide tear on ESPN Deportes.

Sources told CNN that in light of the recent events, Hacksaw commissioned his consigliere Hackosaur to fly to Spain aboard Johnnie Skymaster to begin scoping out a possible purchase plan. During the 3 minute flight, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on trans-atlantic calculations, drew up the contracts of 14,385 unique deals to be presented to the current Spanish government in hopes that one of them might spark their interest.

"I've always admired the Spanish people for their culture as well as the fine rosewood used in most Hispanic bowling lanes," said Hacksaw to CNN. "Unlike those dirty hippies protesting Wall Street, I sympathize with the Spanish citizens, who just want more. I know their pain, for I alone am the sole man on earth who will never delight in being purchased by myself."

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, has reportedly been holed up at Haüksaüw preparing for November 5th's Hacktoberfest, but found time to meet with his legal counsel, First Captain Kevin Meister, to peruse Hacksaw's vast portfolio of assets in order to determine what he might sell off in order to raise the funds to purchase Spain. Meister released a statement to the AP addressing the issue.

"Now I'm not a big-city lawyer," said Meister. "But it seeems to meeee ... we can go this way or that way. Up or down. Left or center. But when the people of the great nation of Spain - a country rich in the tradition of loving the sun - are looking for a strong and skilled leader, and you already own the sun, then by gosh you might want to take a look."

Analysts at Goldman Sachs told CNBC that Hacksaw could potentially finance the purchase of Spain by selling off Saturn, a property of which Hacksaw has long found tiresome. While it was a fine novelty purchase, it lacks the resources of most of Hacksaw's properties, not to mention the impractical 19 minute round trip travel time spend aboard Johnnie Skymaster in order to get to Saturn. Goldman Sachs hinted that Hacksaw could pull a shrewd move by selling Saturn to Spain at a profit, and then shutting off all sunlight directed to Saturn by the sun, thus rendering Saturn of little value to anyone. Thusly, Hacksaw could then re-purchase Saturn from the former leaders of Spain at well below market cost.

Report: Powderkeg Too Handsome

Santa Monica, CA -

A study released this week by the Hackosaur Attractiveness Institute in Oslo, Norway (HAI-O) suggests that the recent struggles of our heroes Back Door Santa may be due to team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons' excessive levels of handsomeness.

According to the report, HAI-O compiled data over the course of the last ten months and noticed an alarming disintegration of performance that directly coincided with the continually increasing handsomeness of Powderkeg. In theory, since most experts have theorized that Powderkeg's handsomeness is unlikely to decrease its increasation, the remaining members of Back Door Santa will be forced to continually accelerate the levels of pin annihilation in order to offset the trend.

"As handsomeness goes up, so does the level of handsome pheromone released into the atmosphere. This pheromone thusly creates a level of female frenzy that will reach a tipping point; women will cease welcomed advances and standard conversation and will, in fits of uncontrollable desire, skip immediately to crass come ons and literally throwing themselves at the subject. This scenario makes it virtually impossible to excel on the bowling field as it results in mass physical chaos," read the study.

"In a stable atomic environment," the report continued, "neutrons, protons, and electrons reside in balance. For example, the handsome molecule, Pk1Wm16, has existed in this state for centuries. The number of electrons surrounding Powderkeg is increasing at a constant rate, however the level of female protons increases at a rate that exceeds this, and thusly you create a dangerous instability. In our opinion, we are not too far from seeing something along the lines of Pk16Wm409000 - that's Armageddon country."

The study pinpointed an example to prove their theory; the best performance of the season thus far was last week, when Back Door Santa bowled lanes 23 & 24, the furthest lanes from the female bowling population.

"In this scenario," the report stated, "there exists a temporary barrier which blocks a female's ability to pick up the handsome pheromone. We call this barrier the Ravi, named after the Greco-Indian God of Female Interest Blocking."

In other BDS news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris was reported to have placed a $40 billion dollar bet on his own team last week to win 3 out of four games, based on advice from his bookie Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on bowling odds. He then used those earnings to purchase the Golden Road Brewing Company in Atwater Village, which had been slandering Haüksaüw by hilariously billing itself as the city's largest craft beer brewery. Once the purchase was complete, Hacksaw hired the Hackosaur Demolition Society, a non-profit group that prides itself on leveling establishments prone to nonsense, and bulldozed the property to prepare for construction of the world's first solid gold Johnnie Foodmaster.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, then flew with his dinosaur Hackosaur aboard his 300-foot private jet, Johnnie Skymaster, in four seconds to New York City for a sit down interview with Regis & Kelly.

Reege: Hacksaw, you're SO CRAZY. You make this PURCHSE and then you just BULLDOZED IT.

Hacksaw: I couldn't stand for it Regis. I need to protect the Haüksaüw brand. These jokers are making proclamations and the point is, if I can own the sun, I can own your little brewery.

Kelly: Well I guess you could say that you let this business deal "ferment". Waka waka!!

Hacksaw: Good one Kelly! But anyway the point is, I won $40 billion dollars by betting on my own team and then used that money to put a competitor out of business.

Reege: So tell me about this SOLID GOLD JOHNNIE FOODMASTER. What's going ON?

Hacksaw: For far too long, Reege, I've heard my customers complain that they didn't have a local grocery that was made of solid gold. They felt like chumps. I sat down with my development team and said Hey listen - what can we do here.

Reege: Do you think you'll ever reach a point in your life where you stop selflessly giving back to the community, Hacksaw? I mean you're a godsend. A GODSEND.

Dr. Hurricane recalibrates; Shot Boy casually discovers Lost City of Atlantis

Santa Monica, CA -

In an article published in this month's New England Journal of Medicine, famed pHd of Accuracy Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5 admitted that he potentially "forgot to carry the 1" when determining the true c:ALIBRATE lineup for Back Door Santa.

"Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks -I have spent the last month in the lab with my mentor, Dr. Hackosaur, trying to determine how manually calculating 7 billion variables could have resulted in actually making Back Door Santa worse. To my astonishment, Dr. Hackosaur noticed that I had written a note on the OUTSIDE of my calculation arm, reminding me to carry the 1 in my calculation. As a result, I missed it, and therefore may have accidentally DE-calibrated their lineup, resulting in adverse performance," said Dr. Hurricane in his article.

Dr. Hurricane goes on to explain that while his simple mistake may have resulted in the worst performance in BDS history, it actually increased the Beer Frame Clutch Ratio of their current cleanup bowler, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish.

"In a vacuum, one must be impressed with the BFCR of Dynamite," Dr. Hurricane continued. "HOWEVAH, much like ARod hitting solo home runs during a blowout, this may be due to the fact that normally by the second frame, due to the horrific performance of BDS this season, the game is out of reach and there's no pressure. Let's not forget that when it truly mattered this week and BDS needed a strike from Dynamite in the tenth frame to win, he got a Guyot-esque 7."

When asked if BDS' sub-par performance this season should be attributed to his miscalculation and should not in any way reflect on the bowling skills of Back Door Santa, Dr. Hurricane replied "Absolutely."

In other news, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was flying Johnnie Skymaster over the Atlantic Ocean last week, when at 40,000 feet and a speed of 6 billion aero-knots, he casually looked down 40 miles deep into the Pacific Ocean and noticed the Lost City of Atlantis.

"I was traveling over the ocean trying to find a secluded spot for BDS to have our next retreat, when I remembered that in 360 BC, Greek philosopher Plato mentioned that Atlantis was a naval power situated in front of the pillars of Hercules. Thus, I kept an eye out and glanced over my shoulder for a brief look to the ocean floor; I was like 'Hey that's Atlantis'," Shot Boy said at the press conference.

Upon returning Johnnie Skymaster to HAYO off the coast of Cuba, Shot Boy discussed his discovery with BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, the world's foremost investor in sunken Greek mythology. Coincidentally, Hacksaw had been recently investigating his next purchase, so he called up his real estate agent Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on underwater real estate.

"I got on the horn with Hackosaur, and had some money floating around from my trade of Saturn to Europe," says Hacksaw. "Atlantis intrigued me because to date, all of my international ports have been above water. He started digging into it, and we were surprised to find out that we were the only bidder."

When asked how he was able to casually discover Atlantis when for centuries mankind has been unable to even determine its existence, Shot Boy explained that "he just loves to bowl" and that "you have to want it." He also mentioned that he had just finished the autobiography of Greek philosopher Crantor, student of Xenocrates, entitled "The Fig Leaf and Me: My Life and Times."

"Crantor's teachings have been very influential in my life," said Shot Boy. "He died of dropsy, which has always been one of my biggest fears, whatever that is. Anyway the point is that I discovered Atlantis this week and then Hacksaw bought it."

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, revealed that he plans to turn Atlantis into an "underwater bowling training facility and theme park" with long-term plans to house Mars there.

"I feel like if I can learn the nuances of lanes that are 40 miles below sea level, I've got a better chance of excelling at BayShore Lanes," he said.

In other BDS news, based on the news of potential non-1 carrying by Dr. Hurricane, the handsome lads announced that they'll be returning to their previous championshippy lineup this week in lieu of sucking with the old one.

"I'm disappointed that I'll no longer be the closer," said team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish. "However, I won't be disappointed in not sucking. I'm only 5 points behind Shot Boy handicap-wise, which I think we can all agree is fucking ridiculous. I can't even remember which foot I start with half the time. I've been bowling for 25 years, and I have two feet. That's not a lot of numbers to remember, yet here we are."

And finally this week, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons returned from Geneva where he was awarded the 2011 Nobel Prize for Consistency. The Nobel Foundation awards the bowler whose average between seasons changes the least. Powderkeg has long been known as BDS' most consistent bowler, because like his average only changed a couple of pins, unlike the averages of Shot Boy and Hacksaw and REDACTED.