Hackosaur Trains Powderkeg; Meister Hired

Santa Monica, CA - Upset with his performance during last week's showdown against Turkey Juice, Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons solicited the help and training of the world's most prominent bowling coach, Hackosaur, to run Powderkeg through a grueling two-day session this week.

"I felt like I let the team down," said Powderkeg to a screaming horde of female-only media members. "I'm almost too accurate. I needed to get back to basics and the best way to do that was through an intense training session with Hackosaur, the two month old Tyrannosaurus Rex that was brought to life by Hacksaw via ancient DNA and guile."

Hackosaur, an avid aerospace pilot and scratch bowler, flew Powderkeg to a remote mountaintop in the Appalachians to run him through workouts designed to increase flexibility, strength and focus. Witnesses reported that Hackosaur was hard to miss, as he was wearing his trademark Bear Bryant hat and $40,000 Louis Vitton sneakers. Also, he's a dinosaur. The "Handsome-a-thon", as the workout is called, consisted of a 72-mile jog, followed by three hours of punching frozen cows or something, and then winding down with meditation in which the participant must lie still and visualize the ball. Only then will he learn to just love to bowl.

"It was unbelievable," said Powderkeg after finishing the first day's session. "I've never been a consistent 72-mile runner, but when Hackosaur is flying right next to you in Johnnie Skymaster bellowing words of encouragement, you just keep going." Once the sessions were over, Powderkeg and Hackosaur relaxed and enjoyed some smooth, refreshing Southern Comfort, a family recipe closely guarded for over two hundred years, here's to good friends, the night is kind of special.

In other news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris held a press conference in Havana aboard his luxury yacht, the aptly-named "Row the Boat", to announce the appointment of First Captain Kevin Meister as Head of Operations at Hacksaw's Cuban-based international port, the recently-build Hacksaw Aviation & Yacht Outlet (HAYO).

"FC Meister is my most trusted advisor and a successful legal counsel. As I begin my foray into international trade, I realize that I was losing focus on the lanes because I was constantly on my iPhone 11 checking in with the guys at HAYO. I need a skilled nautical professional on location to keep an eye on things," said Hacksaw.

According to the official state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast, Hacksaw went on to thank El Presidente, the most successful bowler in history according to official Cuban documents, for allowing Hacksaw and FC Meister into the most freedomest country in the world. All praise to El Presidente, he of good heart and faith and fairness and non-nefariousness.

After the press conference, Hacksaw unveiled his latest aerial purchase, the pertinently-named Hack-A-Whirl. A 300-foot-long helicopter that will be used to transport Meister from HAYO to Bayshore Lanes and back, the Hack-A-Whirl is equipped with a NASCAR track built to scale, a 40-story Four Seasons hotel, a 20,000-seat coliseum, a bow-hunting range, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. The copter goes through 64 gallons of rocket fuel every nanosecond, powering its 24,000-horsepower engine and enabling the vessel to travel round trip from Santa Monica to Havana in 14 seconds.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, also installed a 2-mile long atomic collider to allow him the means to focus on one of his favorite pasttimes, particle acceleration.

"I want to thank Hacksaw and the rest of those handsome devils on Back Door Santa for allowing me this most wonderful of opportunities," said Meister. "I look forward to not only traveling aboard Hack-a-Whirl on a weekly basis, but also observing Hacksaw during his particle research." Meister then humped the podium.

Meanwhile, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon returned from Cannes after the successful debut of his latest HBO documentary, "Too Handsome To Fail." The $297 million independent film details the story of a handsome bowling captain (played by TV's Jack Wagner) and how he balanced hordes of ladies and accolades and being kidnapped by El Presidente and super laser surgery while leading his team to a 67% championship percentage over the last year. The film received a 99% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, with the lone negative review being submitted by an author identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons." The review, printed with persmission by The Huffington Post, was posted via Twitter in real time while he/she viewed the film.

"OMG he's so handsome m i rite"
"LOL wait who is this other whore"
"WTF their is no mention of my dancing lol wut"
"ha I NO !!!11 RT@elpresidente there is no corruption in Cannes, this place sucks"

And finally this week, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was holed up at the South Bay Equinox losing 2.6% of his bodyfat in only four weeks bitches to prepare for this week's rematch against TNT overdogs The Bowling Wallendas. The team is led by Chris "Jones" Swiegurski, a ringer who seemingly came out of nowhere last week to bowl a 4,000 series right next to us, what is the fuck.

Shot Boy Escapes El Presidente

Santa Monica, CA - Back Door Santa team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon emailed his teammates last night from a safehouse to let them know he had successfully escaped the nefarious clutches of ruthless TNT leader El Presidente.

After witnessing BDS begin what is sure to be another championship season during last week's matchups, El Presidente sent a message to Shot Boy inviting him to a "TNT officers only" meeting in a remote section of Cuba. Upon arrival, Shot Boy was immediately detained by turncoat and new El Presidente compatriot identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons." Sources tell CNN that El Presidente planned to keep Shot Boy imprisoned so that Back Door Santa would be forced to get a sub for this week's match against Turkey Juice, the Vegas favorite to win TNT's summer league.

Turkey Juice captain Aaron "Mocha Lighting" Guyot issued a statement, via the Associated Press: "In no way do we support the actions of totalitarian despot El Presidente, and we are thrilled that Shot Boy escaped his nefarious clutches and will be available to bowl this week. I think I speak for all of Turkey Juice, including the handsomely-pantsed Brandon Iron Hally, that we just want a fair shot at the title."

According to witnesses, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris learned of the plot and sent his right-hand man/beast Hackosaur down to Cuba to diffuse the situation. El Presidente's prison guard, identified only by her Twitter handle @moonlyons, was attempting to lure Shot Boy into a state of calm via poledancing when Shot Boy casually looked up to the sky with his laser vision and noticed that Hackosaur, flying aboard Johnnie Skymaster, was a mere 4,000 miles away. Two seconds later, a case of Southern Comfort containing a switchblade and 24 bottles of smooth, smooth bourbon, the taste and quality you've come to expect from Southern Comfort was dropped from Johnnie Skymaster. Using the plane's superior targeting instruments, Hackosaur was able to land the package two feet from Shot Boy's exact location, making the escape and subsequent happy hour with @moonlyons quite easy.

After trading glasses of Southern Comfort and stories about days of yore, Shot Boy bid his captors adieu and met Hackosaur on the tarmac of Hacksaw's private Cuban airport facility, the succinctly-named Hacksaw Aviation & Yacht Outlet, to board Johnnie Skymaster for the short flight home. The HAYO, as it's commonly know, boasts an international speedway, a 32-story luxury shopping mall, an observatory, 4 zip codes, the Hacksaw Museum of Modern Art, a genetics lab, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. The recently-installed 32 mile long runway is just large enough for the distance needed to land Johnny Skymaster safely.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, has devoted much of the past several weeks engaging in one of his favorite pasttimes, building international ports.

"Hackosaur can now read an instrument panel at a pHD level," said Hacksaw to the Associated Press. "His ability to fly Johnny Skymaster wherever I need it to be has freed up a lot of my time, and has allowed me to expand my business ventures internationally."

The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, issued the following statement: "We know nothing of this brilliant plan by El Presidente nor of any flying dinosaurs. Everything here is fine and El Presidente remains the most successful bowler in history according to official Cuban records."

To celebrate the return of Shot Boy to the United States, Hacksaw hosted a party aboard his life boat, the appropriately-named "Lil Soco", for friends and non-nefarious associates. Team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons arrived with his new flame, Tara Johnson-Lyons - his first public outting since booting his ex-wife Madelyn Burke-Lyons-Meister to the curb.

"Madelyn just didn't understand me like Tara does," said Powderkeg. "I just love to bowl. Tara knows that the best way to win my heart is to be available to bowl."

Team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was interviewed by Connie Chung during the event.

Connie Chung: How worried were you when you heard the news that Shot Boy had been captured by El Presidente?

Dynamite: Not too worried, Connie. One of the greatest strengths of Back Door Santa is that we remain positive. Even when Alison snuck out the bathroom window on the day she we was supposed to marry Billy Campbell (played by TV's Andrew Shue), you always knew she'd find her way and find the strength to ruin Jake's life.

CC: A lot of people say that one of the reason's Back Door Santa has been so successful is due to your ability to dispatch a formerly-extinct dinosaur to fly a private jet to a Communist nation for a rescue mission. Tell us about that.

Dynamite: People call us lucky, they call us handsome, all that stuff. Championships don't come from luck. Hacksaw spent hours perfecting a method to genetically fuse ancient DNA with just the right amount of guile in order to create Hackosaur. Granted, you can't do something like that without financial means, but business has been really good. The African safari is booked for months, and we've got our $650 billion dollar Coors Light endorsement.

CC: An anonymous source, who only gave his initials as C*int "S*ot B*y" T*bon, told CBS news that Back Door Santa would be even more successful if you didn't suck so much ass at bowling with alarming consistency. How does that make you feel?

Dynamite: Well Connie, everything seems bad if you remember it.

BDS Championship Most Watched Event Ever

Santa Monica, CA

The championship members of Back Door Santa reconvened in California this week after taking much-needed championship sabbaticals in the wake of their TNT championship championshipness.

The TNT finals, which pitted Back Door Santa against their arch-rivals/lovers The Bowling Wallendas, was the most-watched event in television history, pulling in a 100% Nielsen rating and a 100 share. While not every single human being on the planet watched the match, everyone with electricity watched it twice.

"It was an historic event, a victory for handsomeness," said Access Hollywood's AC Slater. "We'll never see TV numbers like that again."

Because he was unable to attend the match for security reasons, President Obama invited BDS to the White House to watch the match on his DVR. Our heroes boarded Hacksaw's private jet, the befittingly-named "Johnnie Skymaster," for the seventeen minute flight to Washington DC. Witnesses described the president as "humbled", reveling in the shock and awe of BDS' performance and furiously taking notes. He spent the weekend describing to his cabinet how amazed he was when Dynamite converted a 6-7-10 split in the fourth frame, which was fucking unbelievable.

The members of Back Door Santa kept busy during their sabbaticals, knowing that they only had a few short weeks to relax and prepare to defend their championship. Team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris finished several spring projects, the most important being the conversion of the outboard motor on his lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", from nuclear to super-nuclear. The new engine converts plutonium into energy at six thousand times the speed of your typical nuclear-powered outboard motor, and now boasts a 7 quadrillion horsepower output and a top speed of 70,000 knots.

The new, more powerful, engine was needed due to the expansion of the ancient zoo recently installed by Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. The earnings from winning the TNT championship allowed him the resources necessary to continue one of his favorite pasttimes, reviving extinct species. Scientists from across the land have traveled to view the recently-born Tyranosaurus Rex, which Hacksaw revived using ancient DNA and guile. The Rex, accurately-named "Hackosaur", is a healthy two-weeks old and has already bowled four perfect games.

Team captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon traveled to Socoville, KY to tour the new wing of the Southern Comfort distillery, which was built last week in order to accommodate the Captain's growing requirements for aged bourbon. The distillery will use special barrels composed solely from the shards of bowling pins destroyed by Shot Boy during the championship run of Winter 2010-2011. Southern Comfort detailed the construction of the new distillery to Shot Boy Fancy, a well-read trade publication, and said that it was capable of producing 14 barrels of bourbon an hour, which will then be shipped directly to Bay Shore Lanes.

"Gone are the days, probably, of Bay Shore running out of Southern Comfort during our matches," said Shot Boy to the media during the tour. "Even they can't fuck this up, probably. I have the utmost faith in Bay Shore management that they will be able to organize my shipments every week, I guess."

Team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, he of the 100% lifetime championship winning percentage, was invited by Twitter to travel to Silicon Valley and receive a plaque honoring him as the most twitter'd about celebrity in 2011, cuz even though it's only May he's got that shit wrapped up. According to Twitter execs, 99% of tweets about Powderkeg came from the same IP address, 69.69.69.69, located somewhere in Southern California and last used on the set of 2009's "Terminator: Salvation." Powderkeg was wined and dined during his visit, regaling the crowd of 99,000,000 with tales of championships lore and handsomeness to come. The trip was without incident, save Powderkeg's wife Madelyn Burke-Lyons ending up on the front page of TMZ.com during their annual "Women Most Likely To Get Kicked To The Curb Unless They Start Supporting Their Husband's Bowling Matches" contest.

Last but also least, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish made a pilgrimage back to his hometown of Detroit, MI to visit his childhood lanes and regroup. It was a trip of redemption for young Dynamite as he was met with cheers and accolades due to his performance during the championship game, cuz everyone was pretty sure he was gonna fuck the whole thing up. The hometown hero greeted fans and signed replicas of the trophy he won in 1989 for posting the high handicap series in that year's bowling league.

"It's pretty fucking awesome when you were way better at age 14 than you are now," said Dynamite to the Detroit Free Press. "I'm glad my parents kept this trophy because I had forgotten about it, and coincidentally had been looking for more reasons to cry myself to sleep."