Report: Last Night's Victory Was Predicted 400 years ago

Santa Monica, CA-

Chong tends to his brick oven in this undated photo

Last night, Back Door Santa captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon delivered a tasty Italian pizza pie to help defeat a bunch of fucking assholes.

This morning, CNN is reporting that The Captain's performance was actually predicted 400 years ago by his ancestor, Somerville businessman Chong Tabonese.

According to reports, Tabonese left a diary of his predictions buried under one of the oak bowling lanes that used to comprise Beacon Street in Somerville. The diary was discovered last night during the predictable riots in Boston, where the locals took to the streets to celebrate their first World Series championship in 5 years by destroying private property and ruining the lives of those around them.

The diary, obtained by CNN's Anderson Cooper, has been deemed authentic by Harvard University as the prose matches that of other published works left behind by our nation's first and only Asian-Italian.

"This is without question the writing of Chong Tabonese," said Cooper. "He-a clearly predicts a pizza pie delivery from one of his future grandkids that will help defeat a team of dickheads."

CNN has published select excerpts from the diary:

30th October of the Year Sixteen hundred and 20:

"Hey, oh, why you no finish you egg roll, capice? It's Chong Tabonese here, I mean c'mon hey, I'm-a writing in my diary hee-ya. It's been a good day, you talkin' to me? Threw some balls on the lanes with this new guy, Nicholas Gunpowder, hey yo, he's-a fromma da Keg family. We had a little ah, how you say, chow mein eh? He's got a lotta kids, a lotta kids from that one.

And then this otha guy, Hans Hack, always with the dinosaur. 'I predict a dinosaur', always with his inventions. So I says to him "Hey I'm-a gonna hackpad you across the back side, you get me? Hey-o" anyway he's a good guy and his wife D'Gonny's a little piece of ah, how you say, panda express.

So anyways I'm there with the guys you know, and I'm like Hey yo, I have a feeling, I gotta feeling that someone descended from my Asian-Italian loins, he's-a gonna have a big day, he's-a gonna be making the pizza pies, you know? He's-a gonna be out there and there's-a gonna be danger, and it's-a gonna be in the form of a bunch of guys who are, how you say, fucking dicks. But my boy, he's a gonna rowah the boat, and he's a gonna make the pizza pie, and these dicks is gonna cry. Anyway that's a my prediction."

Earth Celebrates World Hack Day

Earth -

Nations across the world gathered today to celebrate the only holiday celebrated by all 196 countries on earth, World Hack Day.

Financial markets in Japan, Europe, and the United States opened at record highs as investors threw down their cash to honor John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline as well as the most successful small investor in world history. Tourists flocked to exotic locales owned by Hacksaw, including Spain, Mars, and 7 of the 13 counties in Portugal.

They day is a celebration of the birth of John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline, and an avid fisherman. The Hacksaw family began in 1620, when Hans Giovanni Hack emigrated to Jamestown, VA from either the Netherlands, Italy, or Germany. Finding that the New World in Virginia was disturbingly devoid of good looking women in which he might plant his powerful seed, Hack sailed up the coast of the Americas until he spotted several hotties hanging out on the shores of Boston Harbor.

Quickly after settling in New England, Hans met a comely lass of virtue true, D'Gonny Marie Phoodmastre. The Phoodmastre family had left England under duress after beating the Royal Family in the Ye Olde Bowling Tournament of 1619. King James IV (of the Stuart family) was unable to convert a 7-10 split in the championship game, and immediately accused his opponent, the sterling and handsome Cirque Du Somèr Phoodmastre (possibly of France) of witchcraft.

Hans and D'Gonny were soon married, and built a home on a development they named Somerville, after D'Gonny's father. They started the family fortune with a series of markets called D'Gonny's Phoodmastre, which they then sold to local conglomerate ConAgra Jones, whose company would own the markets until they were purchased by Hacksaw in 2011.

It is in Somerville where Hans Hacksaw began developing the science needed to ensure that his family would become the most successful bowling bloodline in the history of the world. Hans purchased nearby Beacon Street, tore up the cobblestone, and installed 14 bowling lanes built to his exact specifications. As he had yet to invent mahogany, these early lanes were built using local birch trees and cheap Native American labor. Locals would gather at the nearby pub, The Thirsty Hans, and place bets on how many consecutive 300 games Hans could bowl before they all got smallpox.

He also designed the first Hackpad prototype, an 8 inch by 12 inch piece of granite on which you could write calculations with chalk. Not wanting this technology to get into the wrong hands, he buried the prototype in the backyard so it could be discovered 400 years later by his great-great-great-great-great-great grandsaur, Hackosaur, and be used to design the current Hackpads we know and love today.

Hans and D'Gonny formed their first bowling team, Backdoor Father Christmas (BDFC), with a handsome guile-y neighbor, Nicholas Gunpowder, descendent of the Kegg family and father of 64% of the children in New England. Gunpowder recruited local businessowner Chong Tabonese, the only Asian Italian to have ever existed. Tabonese had made millions in Italy by providing secondary plans to city officials. If Plan A didn't work, they would then ask Tabonese to help them get to Plan B.

According to legend, D'Gonny's time on the team was cut short when she was injured by a 2x4 thrown in celebration after a strike (not in the face though). Not wanting to risk further calamity, she was replaced by shady fencing salesman TNT Chris Parish, who owned a building company called Weak Link Discount Fences. Parish was beloved by fathers in Somerville, for they knew that if he was courting their daughters, there was no risk that they could get knocked up in any reasonable timeframe.

Anyway that's the history of the Hacksaw family, eat your fucking hashbrowns.

Barbara Palvin-Lyons Files For Divorce

Powderkeg and Palvin-Lyons during happier times

Santa Monica, CA -

It's not a very happy 20th birthday for Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin-Lyons, as the beauty announced that she was filing for divorce from her husband of four weeks, Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

"Is is with deep regret that I have decided to end my marriage to the most consistent man I've ever know, Powderkeg," Palvin-Lyons said in a written statement. "Where I come from, Germany or whatever, Wednesday nights are a sacred time to be with family and to do it. I understand that my beloved Powderkeg is a selfless man and long before me dedicated his life to bowling, and I love him so much that I can no longer stand in his way. It's laughable to think that this brave hero used to only bowl 3 games a night. But after 5 games every Wednesday, he's too fatigued to bowl one game of love with me."

According to the Associated Press, the pair began a whirlwind romance after meeting through the popular dating app TindHack, where users can peruse photos of Back Door Santa and send anonymous 'flirts'. The app comes standard on the Hackpad, and uses a powerful soconium-powered processor that allows the members of Back Door Santa to quickly filter the trillions of flirts received in a manner of nanoseconds.

TindHack was developed in August 2013 by Hacksaw Inc, and quickly sold to Zynga for $918 trillion dollars. The app had come under fire from media outlets because out of the trillions of flirts sent to BDS each day, 50% of them were from one woman who was concurrently planning her large-scale wedding to a 50 year old, knowing the whole time that it's kind of a really shitty thing to do to a person, even if he is old.

"Love is blind," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "Love knows no boundaries, especially the boundary of not looking for a better option up until literally two weeks before your wedding. Hey I'm sure it's gonna work out though, that's a good foundation."

In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled his latest investment this week, HO2, a $578 quadrillion dollar oxygen bar designed to fight bowling fatigue. According to documents obtained by CNN, the team was entrenched aboard Lil Soco discussing ways to fight the fatigue that comes from bowling 5 games a night when Shot Boy casually glanced 14 degrees southwest of the moon and discovered a pocket of oxygen so pure and flammable that even a light brain synapse within 200 miles would create an explosion so powerful that the Milky Way would vanish within seconds.

Oxygen from this pocket in the atmosphere is delivered to HO2 daily so that members of BDS can take a little pick me up after the 5th frame of the 3rd game, the official "half way point" on Wednesday nights.

And finally this week, notorious BDS bachelor Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon stepped out with his new wife, Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin-Lyons-Tabon, at an event honoring bowling captains who date recently divorced supermodels.

BDS Offered Second Place

Santa Monica, CA -

BDS discuss what to do with their second place earnings

According to reports, TNT rapscallions Back Door Santa were offered a deal this morning to accept second place and avoid the embarrassment of a public beat down at the hands of Crank Funk in tonight's championship game.

"I think they should take the deal," said ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton. "No way they sweep Crank Funk tonight. The Funk have won 16 games in a row against top competition. I can't stress enough how there is absolutely no chance that Back Door Santa wins four games tonight."

The highly anticipated championship match pits up-and-comers Crank Funk against two-time champions Back Door Santa - or as they're widely known, "those douchebags with the 2x4." Vegas has taken odds off the table as this is predicted to be the most lopsided final in TNT history, with Crank Funk cruising to another victory. 

Crank Funk has dominated this season by playing the game the right way, playing station-to-station ball, and acting like they've been there before. BDS, on the other hand, has shown multiple times that they can't step it up when they absolutely need it, concluding with last week when they needed a 958 in the final game and only got 957.

The Twittersphere was robust this morning with celebrities tweeting their thoughts about tonight's pending championship match.

"Hey @backdoorsanta just give it up - there's no way you make any shots tonight."
- @carlychaikin, star of ABC's Modern Family

"Hey @pablolyons you ready for tonight? I'm talking specifically about fixing the match against BDS"
- @elpresidente, noted despot and leader of Cuba

"I do not exist"
- @hacksputin, mysterious non-existing person.

To back up his claims, ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton broke down tonight's matchup in hopes that BDS would come to their senses and forfeit.

Recent Performance:

Back Door Santa has not won a championship since April 2011, meanwhile Crank Funk nearly won earlier this year, and has been in first place virtually all of the summer season. Furthermore, they play the game the right way.

Edge: Crank Funk

Consistency:

BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons is in danger of giving up his Most Consistent award for the first time in 7 seasons after an up-and-down summer season that was mostly down. The former first-round pick, noted for not loving bowling, has no chance of breaking out of his slump tonight as he's never shown a propensity to perform when it matters most - as long as you don't ask any ladies or look at any past performances when it mattered.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, have been consistent all season against top competition.

Edge: Crank Funk

Weak Link: 

BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish is on the verge of breaking the TNT record for weak linkiness this season. It's really unbelievable at this point how he's still on the team, and it must be noted that TNT secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese recently suggested that teams only have 3 members, reported on the urging from BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, has no weak link.

Edge: Crank Funk

Nefarious Associations:

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has discussed on numerous occasions his involvement with a mysterious notary known only as "Hacksputin". Nothing is known about Hacksputin - he does not exist in any tax records despite owning a 300-foot yacht. Since his alleged involvement with Back Door Santa, which began in the summer of 2013, BDS has seen nothing but failure, barely making it to the championship game for the first time in two years. Furthermore, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris has involved Hacksputin in two failed investments - a feline veterinary wing called KHAT and an addition to Yo Hacka Hacka called HONDA - which are both barely wildly and historically profitable.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no known associations other than a deep and binding association with the fair and non-nefariousy leader of TNT, El Presidente

Edge: Crank Funk

Farm System: 

The desire for a championship has gutted the BDS farm system, and its only true prospect, Dynagirl, has been unable to reach the 300 mark despite constant training from Hackosaur. She was almost traded for Jeff Bagwell earlier this summer after not eating her yogurt and finishing the day with a 299.53.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, have no failed prospects.

Edge: Crank Funk

Ability to Enter The Construction Zone:

BDS captain my captain Clint 'Shot Boy' Tabon came within 11 pins last week of entering the construction zone; according to Vegas, he never will, especially tonight. Las Vegas cannot stress enough that there is absolutely no chance Shot Boy enters The Construction Zone on his way to a third TNT title today on August 22, 2013.

Crank Funk, on the other hand, play the game the right way.

Edge: Crank Funk

Prediction - while we strongly urge Back Door Santa to take the plea bargain and secure second place, in the event that they brazenly decide to bowl tonight, we predict a historic beatdown wherein Crank Funk wins by so many pins that they are awarded 5 points and their first championship.

BDS To Bowl For Charity

Santa Monica, CA -

As reports surfaced this week that TNT despot El Presidente was planning on rigging tonight's final regular season matchup against two time champion Back Door Santa, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that BDS would be bowling for charity this evening in hopes that the increased spotlight and humanitarianism would persuade El Presidente to engage in fair competition.

BDS take the lanes this evening against their long-time rivals Split It and Quit It, who own a lifetime 22-2 record against BDS. Even with ringleader Easy Dan Miller having mentally checked out of bowling in favor of pre-marital bliss, Vegas has Split It as 1-4,000,000 favorites against BDS tonight.

Hacksaw stepped into action after an article ran in Corruption Enthusiast, the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, describing Split It's remarkable 7 point victory on Thursday, three days before the match was even played. The resulting 7 point loss for BDS knocked them out of competition for the top spot this season.

The article included a picture of El Presidente handing an unidentified short Cuban-American 4 trillion Cuban pesos and a note that clearly read "Here is some money which is explicitly for the purpose of knocking down all of Split It's pins on Thursday. Good Luck Pablo - your friend, El Presidente." The caption for the photo simply read "Our beloved presidente greets his fans."

"We can't seem to get a fair shake," said Hacksaw to the Associated Press. "But does El Presidente have the nefariousness to rig a match when BDS is playing for a noble charity? We're about to find out."

As a result, Hacksaw announced that BDS would be bowling tonight for Humans Against Corruption and chicKanery (HACK) - a for-profit organization that helps fund the bowling training for any American youth, provided they reside in Hermosa Beach, CA and were born on June 24 2011 at Cedars-Sinai Hospital.

HACK was started back on August 7th 2013 by noted samaritan Hacksputin, an alleged associate of BDS and world-renowned bowling psychologist. While there has been no legal evidence that Hacksputin even exists, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti quickly approved his application, including all applicable federal and state tax exemptions.

CNN reported that HacksputInc, a solo entity with no legal or financial ties to Hacksaw, would receive an immediate $42 trillion federal tax rebate as a result of its recent filing.

In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, announced the completion of the new training wing of his airborne bowling facility, Yo Hacka Hacka. The new space, the famously-named Hacksaw's Orbiting & Nautical Dynagirl Auditorium (HONDA), boasts a jungle gym, a 785 story luxury hotel and spa, Lenin's tomb, Thor, an ancient redwood forest, and an IMAX theater showing all episodes of Curious George, including the famous episode where The Man In The Yellow Hat is surprised when he gives heavy responsibility to a fucking monkey and then something goes awry. Tax records show that HONDA cost $42 trillion dollars even.

"DynaGirl's getting close in her training," said Hacksaw. "She hit a 299.47 last week - it was originally a 300 game, but I penalized her 0.53 pins because she opened 4 yogurts but ate none of them. I felt like an upgrade to her training facility is the final step."

Report: Veterinarians Union of America Protests Hacksaw

Santa Monica, CA

Kittysaw lines up a strike

The Veterinary Union of America (VUOA) launched an official protest this week of BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris after Hacksaw used his vast funds to build a $15 billion bowling complex in the lung cancer wing of a local veterinary clinic.

According to the Associated Press, the complex, the veraciously-named Kitty & Hacksaw Athletic Theater (KHAT) was built after a close associate of Hackosaur, Kittysaw, was admitted to the clinic for treatment of lung cancer.

The Santa Monica City Council approved the zoning for KHAT after they were presented with a notarized application from Hacksaw thirty seconds before the deadline. It was notarized by a famed notary public and zoning enthusiast who goes only by the name Hacksputin.

"I have never met Hacksputin, in fact I don't know anyone who has, even though he's in this office seven times a week notarizing various permits for Hacksaw," said LA mayor Eric Garcetti. "That said, his penmanship is remarkable. It's almost as lovely on the eyes as Hacksaw's signature on this signed AMF Membership that Hacksaw framed for me after I won the mayoral election earlier this year. You can see it right behind me - right below the inscription "I own you and this entire fucking city you god damn puppet. Now eat your hasbrowns."

The VUOA members are protesting under the grounds that they are unable to perform medical procedures on any patients of the clinic other than Kittysaw due to the vast expanse of KHAT.

"In order to build this thing, Hacksaw had to knock down 99% of the clinic along with the four adjoining city blocks," said VUOA president Richard C. Normous. "Every single animal in this city is in danger, especially little yippy dogs. All that's left of the clinic is the feline operating table, and we don't even need that anymore because the one in KHAT is way better."

An article in Architectural Digest states that KHAT is 31 stories high and contains 40 billion feet of yard, an IMAX theater, Google headquarters, 3/4ths of Canada, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.

The jewel of KHAT, the article continues, is a state-of-the-art feline lung cancer operating room, complete with a $19 trillion soconium-powered cancer detection mechanism capable of detecting cancerous cells from 74 million light years away.

"Hackosaur called me and was worried," said Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. "The thing they never tell you about cancer treatment is the impact it can have on your bowling game, because treatment takes time away from the lanes. So I did what any normal human being would: I got a permit, razed 4 city blocks and almost an entire animal clinic, and spent trillions of dollars building a complex so that a cat undergoing lung cancer treatment wouldn't miss a step."

BDS Amnesty Powderkeg

Powderkeg's agent DyanGrill leaves the negotiations

Santa Monica, CA -

In a surprising move heading into this season's biggest matchup, TNT leaders Back Door Santa announced this week that they had amnestied team heartthrob and former first round pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

At an 11am press conference, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon told reporters that it was one of his toughest decisions ever.

"I'm torn up inside, I really am," said Tabon. "Powderkeg has always been the heart and soul of our team. He loves to bowl, but we all know this is a numbers game, and the fact of the matter is that with his salary, our payroll would be too low to institute the luxury tax, which would be devastating for league owner John "Hacksaw" Serris' bottom line."

At an 11:01am press conference, team captain my captain Clint "Shot  Boy" Tabon told reporters that the team had signed former member Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons to a long-term deal, worth roughly 4.5 billion times the value of his old rookie deal.

"I'm thrilled to announce that we have signed our former #1 pick, Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, to a long-term deal of $31.5 quadrillion in guaranteed money," said Tabon. "Not only does this help us build for the future, but it also helped us reach the $126 quadrillion salary cap figure demanded by Hacksaw, thus putting us into luxury tax territory."

League rules prohibit league owner and BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris from negotiating any form of contract with league players. Non-suspiciously, Powderkeg's deal was negotiated by his new agent, the never-before-mentioned DynaGrill, who received her league authorization a mere thirty seconds before the amnesty and subsequent signing of Powderkeg took place.

Sources told ESPNBDS' John Clayton that DynaGrill was able to get her authorization in time due to her association with a federal notary public who goes by the name "Hacksputin."

"I've never met Hacksputin before," said Clayton. "But I can confirm that he was officially authorized as a notary public roughly thirty seconds before he notarized the league authorization for the non-suspicious agent for Powderkeg, DynaGrill."

TNT announced that Powderkeg's deal came in just under the wire, but that he was eligible to join his former team in time for Thursday's matchup.

It remains to be seen how Powderkeg will fit in with Back Door Santa and what the mood will be like in the locker room. Historically teams have experienced tension after an acrimonious contract negotiation with a star player.

"Frankly this was a bush league move by BDS," said Clayton. "Here you are the week of your biggest match of the season, and you cut your star player. How will he respond to that? I mean essentially his owner and teammates looked him straight in the eye and said 'Look, you're not getting paid enough, it's hurting the team.' That's a slap in the face to Powderkeg, who's never been about the money. He plays the game the right way. He's got a high motor and a high bowling IQ. He's a gym rat."

Santa Monica, CA - 

The real estate community was stunned this week when BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he had come to terms on an agreement to sell his prized lifeboat, the aptly-named Lil' Soco.

Purchased on April 6, 2011. the boat is equipped with 10 bowling lanes built to his specifications, the iconic Lil SoCo also has 3 helicopter landing pads, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a parking garage to house his vintage Hollywood collection (including the Harley-Davidson fatboy used by rugged Jake Hanson on Melrose Place), and an observatory with a telescope fifty-one times more powerful than the Hubble. Its 6 billion horsepower outboard motor is powered by 200 megatons of plutonium, and there's room onboard for Hacksaw's designer Louis Vitton lifejackets.

Hacksaw had recently added a second, backup motor to Lil' SoCo, a soconium-powered outboard which made the vessel capable of speeds more than 3.4 times the speed of light. 

Per California law, all lifeboats are tax exempt for 792 days from the date of purchase. After that date, a lifeboat owner must pay a quarterly tax of 25% of the lifeboat's net value. 

"It was either sell Lil' SoCo, or pay $576 billion dollars on June 30th," said Hacksaw during his press conference. "While I love it, at some point I have to realize that I can get to most of my nautical destinations via Row The Boat."

Members of the press grilled Hacksaw as to why he had sold his lifeboat, but not the lifeboat dock in Marina Del Rey.

"This press conference is over," replied Hacksaw.

Not much is known about the buyer of Lil' SoCo, but he's listed on the deed as one Hack S. Putin, a new resident of Santa Monica, CA with a social security number that was generated by the federal government a mere 4 seconds before the sale took place. According to the notary public assigned to the deal, Hack S. Putin was able to purchase Lil' SoCo for the price of $1 USD. 

Mr. Putin released a statement to the Associated Press, stating that he was "thrilled to make the purchase, and couldn't wait to make some cheesy hash brown type meals. Really looking forward to romantic nights with my wife Ki - uh - Gladys... yeah Gladys - anyway, this would definitely come in handy as a secretive training location for my alleged bowling apprentices. Apprentices - apprenti? I don't know, it is Latin?"

"I'd like to point out that while Mr. Putin purchased my boat for $1, he will have to pay tax on the actual assessed value of the boat in 792 days," said Hacksaw. "Of course, by that point, he made decide to sell the boat, possibly back to me. I mean I don't really know the guy."

CNN was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the notary public assigned to the deal. The notary, who asked not to be identified, appeared on CNN this evening with his 'attorney' HackBird, a 7 foot tall yellow bird in a Hack Team 5 t-shirt and a loaded gun pointed directly at the notary's head. CNN asked the notary to explain how a boat worth $2.3 trillion dollars could possibly sell for $1.

"I, uh ... I mean look, the boat had problems," said the notary. "It was uh barely worth a dollar. I mean, due to the vagaries of nautical wear, vis a vis changes in the oceanic climate ... Oh God. There's nothing to see here, I have to go."

In other news, residents of San Pedro Sula, Honduras, rejoiced this week as their city lost its title as "Most Dangerous Place in the World." In a statement released by the Department of Homeland Security, the federal government admitted that while the entity of Honduras as a whole is still "fucking terrible, and a god damn shame considering the climate and history and culture," it was no match for "the exact location of a poor soul who goes Piston Honda on any member of BDS."

Fox News obtained graphic footage from Bay Shore Lanes last week, when an innocent bowler was reverse Honda'd by BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish on a 6-9 split. It did not help matters when the bowler taunted Dynamite by saying that "there's no way you'll make this." 

"No way I'll make this? I fucking invented Piston Honda," said Dynamite. "I have not the time for her hi-jinks. Hi-jinks, what a funny word. Three dotted letters in a row." 

"Is it hyphenated?" asked Shot Boy.

"It used to be," Dynamite continued. "Back in the bad old days. Of course, every generation hyphenates the way it wants to. Then there's N'Sync. What the hell is that? Jump in any time, Powderkeg, these are good topics."

The bowling victim, identified only as Carly PKG, is an ESPY-award winning actress on the popular CW drama "Dawson's Creek", and sources told CNN that the dramatic incident may take part in the script for season 14. 

And finally this week, shares of Plan B Inc (NASDAQ: VAG)  rose 4.7 billion percent when it was announced that former customer of the year and BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons would be stopping by for the first time in 11 months after a scheduled prison break on Thursday.

Dynamite, Powderkeg Hire Controversial Bowling Guru

Blurry footage of Dynamite & Powderkeg with alleged Hacksputin

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa team members Dynamite Chris Parish and Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons were questioned by local authorities today concerning their involvement with a controversial bowling guru the police have named "Hacksputin."

The handsome gents, mired in their 3rd consecutive worst season ever, allegedly hired Hacksputin to help increase guile and mahoganship before it's too late to win the title in TNT's summer league. Unfortunately, hiring coaches outside the league is strictly forbidden in the TNT bylaws.

Also questioned about the incident was BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, who swore under oath that he had never met Hacksputin and knew nothing about him. He was immediately released when police were unable to provide any photographic evidence that Hacksaw and Hacksputin have ever been in the same room together.

Santa Monica police are working on a theory that Hacksputin has been hiding out in his lair on the sun, which is only reachable aboard Johnnie Skymaster, a 300 foot airship owned by Hacksaw. Up to this point, Hacksaw has refused to let the police borrow Johnnie to fly to the sun to investigate.

"This is a witch hunt," said Hacksaw. "I'm not going to let the police borrow my prized vessel just to travel to the sun and bother the locals looking for someone who doesn't exist."

According to Peruvian legend, Hacksputin came to this planet 41 years ago with the goal of helping handsome people bowl. He is not listed on any legal documents and thus is believed to not have a place of residence on earth or any possessions. The only proof that he exists is in blurry camera footage where he's often seen with a dynasaur-shaped figure in the background, and a 300 foot aircraft of some sort.

His controversial training methods involve increasing the fat content of a student's diet by 10,000% in order to improve the olfactory senses and thus the ability to sniff out the mahogany. He will often take his subjects into the mountains, load them with fat and sodium, and then direct them to the trees until they come back with the exact mahogany he has specified. He then builds a fire and meditates to the point that he appears to be sleeping.

Potato Shortage Terrorizes Nation

San Bernardino, CA -

The US Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat level to "chartreuse" after the entire United
States sold out of potatoes this afternoon.

According to the Associated Press, over 26 billion tons of potatoes were purchased Sunday, leaving grocers in a panic and adding unprecedented burden to our nation's potato farmers.

"At this rate, we won't return to normal potato stock levels until January 2926," said FDA Commish Margaret A Hamburg. "This came out of nowhere, and we're doing our best to pinpoint the source of the panic."

Sources told the Associated Press that the rush on potatoes is likely related to an incident in the San Bernardino mountains this morning, when BDS ringer and avid fisherman John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled the latest recipe from his test kitchen, Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash.

According to reports, a hungover Hacksaw grew increasingly impatient waiting for BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish to figure out an efficient method of cooking hash browns given the dearth of cooking utensils available. He gestured to Dynamite to "step aside" and took over the grill.

"My arm was sore after throwing 400 pitches yesterday," said Dynamite. "I was throwing about 15 pitches a minute, unless Angry Jimmy was batting, in which case I was throwing about 4 pitches per hour. It was a struggle this morning cooking. I had pork, I had other pork, I had eggs. I had these hashbrowns but my brain was fried. I just couldn't figure out the potatoes. What happened next was unbelievable."

Under sworn testimony, Dynamite divulged to the FBI the exact recipe for Uncle Hacksaw's Cheesy Hash. Some items were omitted as there is no recipe for greatness:

(18) frozen hash brown patties
1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup bacon grease
(Shit)load of shredded cheese
1/4 tsp guile

Representatives for Johnnie Foodmaster, a Hacksaw Inc-owned grocery chain, hinted that the browns may soon be available at all locations, with the tagline "you don't like it, I don't give a fuck, just eat your hash browns."

Hacksaw Purchases Summer

Santa Monica, CA -

In honor of his favorite season and on the advent of his favorite bowling season, Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had reached a deal to purchase summer.

Rumors had been swirling on Wall Street all month that Hacksaw, who had not made a large purchase since February, was set to announce one of his trademark historic purchases.

"An investor like Hacksaw doesn't rest on his guiley laurels," said Maria Bartiromo of CNN Money. "That said, when your portfolio includes Mars, 6 counties in Portugal, American History, and Christmas, you're typically going to exercise due diligence in your next purchase so that it compliments what you already own."

In typical Hacksaw fashion, the bold purchase will essentially double his investment yields, as summer is powered by the Sun, which Hacksaw owns.

"I make a great deal of money from renting out sunlight," said Hacksaw. "At the same time, all of these businesses are profiting by acting as a middle man - ice cream makers, beachside restaurants, everyone - and selling the effects of that sunlight to the consumer. So why not cut out the middle man and delivery ravishing sunlight directly?"

According to financial statements filed with the FTC, Hacksaw will still charge sunlight rent to businesses, and that amount will be calculated using the simple HackLine tax algorithm, where the Rent ($)  is the percentage of a business' total revenue:

Rent ($)= {(12-mS) + hsc} *100

Where mS=months of Summer=3
and h=hacksaw standard coefficient =1

In this scenario, the Rent($) would be

{(12-3) + 1} *100 = 100%

El Presidente Honors Hugo Chavez with 2001 Series

Santa Monica, CA -

TNT totalitarian leader and noted despot El Presidente was showered with accolades this week after he honored his good friend and recently deceased leader of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, by pre-bowling a 2001 series for this week's matchup against Back Door Santa.

"After my first two 667 games, I wasn't sure I had it in me," said El Presidente to Corruption Enthusiast, the state-run newspaper of Cuba. "But I wanted to honor the just and fair leader of Venezuela, my good friend and fallen comrade Hugo Chavez."

According to Corruption Enthusiast, El Presidente held a brief meeting with his closest ally and only witness to the game, Codi "Papas Fritas" Harris, to put together a strategy before the third game.

"I was amazed by his first two games," said Fritas. "I wish more people besides myself, El Presidente's teammate and someone who gains direct benefit from lying about his pre-bowling, were there to witness this historic event. Nevertheless, he hunkered down, raised his intangibles, and bowled a third consecutive 667 game. He's a gym rat with a high motor."

"2001 is an important number to me," said El Presidente. "It was Hugo's favorite number, in that it was the number of corrupt Venezuelan citizens he 'removed' from society each week for loving freedom."

In other news, ESPNBDS has sent 11 camera crews to Bayshore Lanes tonight to document Back Door Santa's first full lineup in over a month. The team was scheduled to be in full force last week, but BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was suspended one game for passing a StegaMaXXX test.

According to sources, this was the second non-failed StegaMaXXX test of the season for Dynamite, resulting in a one game suspension.

And finally this week, where the fuck is my coozie Billy Hyde you mother fucker.

Dynamite Faces True Test

Coach Papa shows Dynamite how many of his legs are currently not broken

Santa Monica, CA - BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish faces the greatest challenge of his lifetime tonight as the first week of the TNT Fantasy League kicks off.

ESPNBDS viewers watched in horror as the week 1 schedule was released, realizing that Dynamite would be facing himself in what may prove to be the most guiliest showdown in sports history.

To recap, Dynamite was drafted in the first round by mercurial Italian quadrillionare and owner of The Home Wreckers - Jayson Costello Papa, the second richest man on earth, according to Forbes magazine. Together with the world's richest man, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw"  Serris, they own 97% of the world's assets along with 87% of the solar system.

Unfortunately for Dynamite, he'll be playing for The Home Wreckers tonight against his own team, UCLA Yankee Cola.

"I could have avoided this by drafting myself," said Dynamite. "But I don't have the cap space and UCLA Yankee Cola can't afford the luxury tax. I'm an expensive player, but I need the money to pay all the fines I will surely face in the event of a poor performance. But if I put on a good performance, then I hurt my own team's standings and a shot at the $598 quintillion prize Hacksaw fronted for the league."

According to sources, JC Papa ordered Dynamite to sleep all day Thursday in order to rest up for the match, while at the same time keeping him up all night by sending veiled threats through an intermediary, reportedly Dynamite's own daughter Dyangirl. It was reported that Dynagirl was up from 11pm until 3am screaming due to 'teething', which according to Hackapedia is Italian for "you're going to have broken legs if you don't bowl well tonight."

Making things even more difficult for Dynamite is that his financial well-being is at risk in that all players on The Home Wreckers are charged 110% of their weekly salary in order to cover various expenses and miscellaneous fees incurred by JC Papa.

"Due to the vagaries of salary, vis a vis changes in the economic climate and trans-demographic changes in audience structure, it was imperative that I implement a modern cost structure in order to cover the vast expenses of owning a team," said Papa in a written statement. "There's the right way, the wrong way, and the JC Papa way."

In other news, BDS wife DynaWife decided to sub tonight in place of BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon after she enjoyed a productive lunch on Wednesday with Dynamite, Hacksaw, and Powderkeg.

"She has a flight on Friday, but she's in town Thursday, so obviously she could make time for bowling, as a way to show her dedication," said Hacksaw. "We had to iron out a few details, most importantly the Powderkeg Fertilization clause, so she wouldn't end up driving home for two, if you know what I'm saying."

"I'm talking about, Powderkeg's not allowed to knock her up," Hacksaw reiterated.

Report: Hacksaw to Change Mondays and Saturdays to Thursdays

Santa Monica, CA - Unhappy with the performance of several of the weekdays in 20HT, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris is considering adding more Thursdays to the calendar week.

According to reports, Hacksaw commissioned his trusted advisor and legal partner Hackosaur to audit the past 12 months and determine the number of wins Back Door Santa had achieved on each of the original 7 days of the week.

"It blew my mind when he dropped the report on my desk," said Hacksaw. "The data speaks for itself. 100% of our wins have come on a Thursday. So I ask any analyst out there - if there is such a strong line of demarcation, doesn't it make sense to add more Thursdays to the week?"

"As a result, two days of the week formerly known as Monday and Saturday will potentially also be Thursdays, increasing the number of Thursdays in a given week by 200%," Hacksaw continued. "Now that's something I can get behind."

Hacksaw hopes that this change will also have a positive impact on team hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.

"He's the only team member bowling well this season," said Hacksaw. "Imagine how much better he would be if he didn't constantly have to ask if it's Thursday yet. Three days out of 7, he's going to know the answer."

In other team news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish had his ball worked on this week in hopes that it will improve his dismal performance this season. According to sources, Dynamite removed the urethane cover and replaced it with the shell of the Pinta Island tortoise.

According to Hackapedia, this turtle is one of the few species of Giant Galapagos tortoises and the rarest animal in the world - since there is only one left alive. "Lonesome George" is the sole surviving member of the Pinta Island race, and analysts predict that George won't last much longer in the harsh Galapago islands without a shell for protection.

"I was devastated to hear the news about George and his pending demise," said Dynamite, an avid animal lover. "Mankind can be so cruel. As a result, I dedicate every strike I get this season in honor of Lonesome George. I should get a lot of strikes thanks to the improved accuracy and sheen of my new Pinta Island tortoise bowling ball."

And finally this week, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon refuted reports that he was offended by the name of the latest awesome BDS tradition, the Piston Honda. The ACLU had reported that the name was offensive to all Japanese(?) Americans.

"I want to say to all my Chinese brethren, put down your arms and have a little fun out there," said Tabon.

Dynamite Not Traded

Santa Monica, CA -

The TNT trade deadline passed this afternoon, and contrary to numerous analyst predictions, Back Door Santa weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was not traded and will remain with BDS until the end of the season or until he is released.

"I don't know where those rumors came from," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "We weren't trying to get rid of him. I can confirm, however, that we found no takers on any team in the league, so if we were going to hypothetically trade him, it would have been impossible."

Dynamite has been a disappointment and fuck i'm late for bowling HAYO

Dynamite Tests Positive for StegaMAXXX, Is Reinstated

DynaGirl demonstrates the hallucinogenic effects of StegaMAXXX

Santa Monica, CA -

ESPNBDS reported this morning that Back Door Santa weak link Dynamite Chris Parish had tested positive for the PED StegaMAXXX, and as a result his 50-game ban was reversed and he re-joined the team.

Last Friday, during a routine drug test, Dynamite tested negative for the stegosaurus antler spray developed by BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, and as a result was banned by BDS for 50 games, the standard penalty for a first offense.

Dynamite immediately appealed the decision, stating that he was confused by the label on the bottle and did not realize he needed to take StegaMAXX every hour in order to keep traces of it in his urine.

"The label is written in steggish, which is the ancient language of the Jurassic-era dinosaurs," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "Dynamite has studied steggish at length, but admits that it often takes away from his true love, mahogany identification."

"This is partly my fault, maybe," said Powderkeg. "I tried calling the labeling company when I was back in the Jurassic era, suggesting maybe we use English on the labels instead of steggish, but unfortunately the cell reception 4 million years ago was terrible."

Dynamite hired famed steggish historian Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on prehistoric communication, to represent him during his appeal. The duo then traveled to NYC to plead their case in front of The Honorable Hackosaur, the presiding arbitrator. After an intense 4 femtoseconds of debate, Judge Hackosaur realized that Hackosaur had an airtight case, and ordered that Dynamite be re-tested immediately.

"I'm embarrassed - I feel like I let the team down," said Dynamite. "Not as much as, say, every single game I've bowled this season."

The reinstatement of Dynamite is rurored to be bittersweet for the rest of Back Door Santa. On one hand, they have high hopes that StegaMAXXX can help even the shittiest of bowlers. On the other hand, sources say that the team was really looking forward to not having to pretend that Dynamite could eventually turn this thing around, because holy fuck it's unbelievable.

Reporters surrounded Powderkeg after the case and asked him if he thought that while Dynamite has been atrocious, it was actually a ruse to build a high handicap for the stretch run, as well as continue to enjoy the sweet sweet nectar of each puff from his StegaMAXXX inhaler.

"Next question," replied Powderkeg.

Powderkeg Invents Stegosaurus Antler Spray

Available for $64MM/oz

Santa Monica, CA -

ESPNBDS reported early Wednesday that the reason BDS heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons missed bowling last week was because he had traveled back in time to the Jurassic era to collect the necessary ingredients for his latest creation, a Stegosaurus antler spray called StegaMaXXX.

According to TNT league sources, tensions on Back Door Santa had come to a head after BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish shit the bed for a record 5th week in a row. As a result, Powderkeg was sent 4 million years back in time along with Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on extinct cuticle hormones.

"It's been unbelievable," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "I mean, it's literally like Dynamite has never fucking bowled before. Hacksaw asked him last week, 'Well what do you normally look at when you throw the ball' and he had no fucking idea. Dude this is your 9th season, what the fuck. HOW DO YOU NOT REMEMBER HOW TO FUCKING BOWL YOU FUCKING FUCK."

Hackosaur was dispatched back to the Hacksaw, Inc labs to try and calculate the substances needed to invent a supplement powerful enough to overcome Dynamite's bed shitting. After a grueling 4.3 pectoseconds of number crunching on his Hackpad, Hackosaur determined that there has only been one substance in the history of earth adequate enough to overcome Dynamite's calamity - the late spring seasonal spinal pheremones of the greatest hermivorous quadruped in the history of the world.

According to Hackapedia, the Stegosaurus consisted on a diet mainly of low-lying bushes and shrubs, and because if its low brain-to-body mass ratio, was easily charmed by handsomeness and guile. Thus, it was determined that only Powderkeg had the intangibles necessary to travel back in time and gather the necessary ingredients for StegaMaXXX without changing the course of the history of mankind.

According to surveillance heiroglyphics recently discovered in Egypt, legend tells of man of 'great chiseled heart and groin' who landed in the middle of the desert and seduced an angry Stegosaurus herd with rapturous dancing and a discount double check. He then methodically collected the velvety covering of the third torsal back antler of each stegosaurus, leaving but with a kiss and a promise for a morning phone call that never came, as phones had not been invented at the time.

After returning to 20HT, Powderkeg retreated to the Hacksaw, Inc labs to begin development on StegaMaXXX. According to a recently filed FDA document, one ounce StegaMaXXX contains over 40 trillion milligrams of stegosaurus antler pheremone, allowing a user of the spray to keep his or her own accuracy within .000004% of median tendency. Initial estimates price an ounce of StegaMaXXX at $64,000,000.

"It's my greatest creation, even more than my damn weiner kids," said Powderkeg. "Something had to be done. We all laugh and joke because he bought the original Hacksaw and he can really cook a mean rack of ribs, but we should fucking fire him. Before we got to that point, I thought maybe it might be easier to exhaust all other options, including traveling back in time to the Jurassic period to harvest the velvet of an ancient and extinct animal in order to use its power solely to marginally increase the efficiency of a member of an amateur bowling league."

Powderkeg Addresses Criticism

Reporters swarm today's press conference shortly before masturbating

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons held a press conference this afternoon to address damning allegations that he no longer loves to bowl, but rather has an affinity for it when there's time in his busy schedule.

Sources told ESPNBDS that the allegations surfaced this week after Powderkeg told his team he would be unavailable for this week's match without giving a reason.

"It's quite unlike Powderkeg," said ESPNBDS analyst John Clayton. "He's usually the first one at the lanes, getting a humidity report for the rest of the team, crunching numbers on his HackPad. Punch in at 9, clock out at 5, that's the plan. Dental school! Lisa needs braces."

"This is threatening to tear BDS apart," Clayton continued. "I don't know if there's any amount of deer antler spray that could overcome this."

To refute the allegations, Powderkeg held a press conference this afternoon and invited the media to ask any questions they wanted, as long as they were not about Powderkeg's conviction back in 2000 when he was allegedly a witness to two women being murdered by a jealous female who thought they were hitting on Powderkeg.

A transcript of the press conference was provided to ESPNBDS by The Huffington Post:

ABC News: Mr. Powderkeg, Charlie Gibson here. We know that you are missing bowling this week. Do you have any big plans for your family while they are in town?

PK: My family's not in town Charlie, I'm not sure where you got that information

ABC: Oh my apologies - I just assumed that since you were missing bowling, it was a situation where you had guests in town and they were reliant on you for transportation. That's something I think everyone would understand.

PK: Next question

FOX: Mr. Powderkeg, Shephard Smith here. All of us here at Fox News just wanted to say how delighted we were, and congratulations on your newborn child.

PK: Thanks Shephard but I am not a father of a newborn.

FOX: Oh - well I'm sorry for the confusion. We just assumed that since you were missing bowling, it had to be for something that can't be moved from a Thursday, such as the well being of another human life.

PK: Next question

CBS: Hi Handsome, Baba Walters here. Can you divulge any details of your worldwide travel this week? Where you'll be going, where you're staying?

PK: I'm not traveling anywhere this week, Barbara.

CBS: You'll be in California?

PK: Yes

CBS: Santa Monica?

PK: Yes

CBS: Is Bayshore Lanes still in Santa Monica?

PK: Yes

CBS: No further questions

CNN: Hi Powderkeg, Wolf Blitzer here. Do you have any comment on the new law passed by the State of California that prohibits restuarants from being open on any day but Thursdays?

PK: I'm not aware of any law like that

CNN: So what you're saying is, restaurants ARE allowed to be open every day of the week? Even on a Friday, which in the whole scheme of things is only one day later than Thursday, and is renowned for being a pretty great day for  celebrations?

PK: Yeah I mean - you can go out any day you want, this isn't Cuba!!

In other BDS news, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon has recanted his earlier claims that he was quitting the team, and will in fact show up for bowling on Thursday.

"I've never seen my boo so upset," said Tabon's wife, Megan Fox-Lyons-Tabon. "His whole world is shattered. An entire season of no caesar salads, and now he has lost control of his team. He tried to hide the pain by managing six thousand different handicap pots and raffles to appease the fucktards in TNT, rarely paying attention to the game at hand, but it was too much. However, he still loves bowling, that's why he'll be there Thursday. You can't question his love of bowling. I guess technically, however, you also can't measure it."

Report: Police Standoff At Skoal Headquarters

Memphis, TN -

The fate of Back Door Santa weak link Dynamite Chris Parish hangs in the balance today after he and Hackosaur stormed into Skoal Headquarters in Memphis and took 40,000 tins of tasty tasty Peach Skoal hostage.

Memphis Police responded to a frantic 911 call from inside the building who reported a "handsome madman" who "left a trail of passed out ladies in his wake" and then "donned a snorkel and dove right into our fermentation tank."

According to sources, Dynamite decided that this would finally be the week that he quit dipping smooth tasty Skoal, just so tasty, why do you have to be bad for me my love. What have I ever done to you but enjoy you. So anyway official team wife DynaWife determined that it would be best for all parties involved if Dynamite started slowly and was allowed one tasty Peach Skoal a night, because you are a fucking asshole when you try to go cold turkey.

"It didn't work," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon while addressing the media. "He had good willpower at first, but then on that second day he just lost his shit. Yelling at everyone, mouthing off, reaching for an empty bottle that wasn't there."

Witnesses report a handsome devil breaking into Hacksaw International Airport with some sort of shadow-y Tyranosaurus-like super-genius real estate agent/coach and boarding Yo Hacka Hacka. After a 3 femtosecond flight, the glorious airship landed in Memphis and the duo immediately broke into Skoal Headquarters. While Hackosaur casually formulated a cure for intestinal cancer on his Hackpad, Dynamite started bathing in fresh long-cut tobacco.

Police were immediately dispatched to the factory, but their flimsy guns were no match for Hack Team 5, who had flown in by Hackosaur when shit started to go down.

"All we can do is wait," said Memphis Police Chief I.P. Freely. "Let him do his thing, get it out of his system. I didn't get into this business to arrest a handsome man like that. Plus, I bet my entire pension on BDS tonight. I don't want Dynamite to be distracted about any pending repercussions for stealing a plane, flying across the country with a dynosaur without notifying the FAA, landing a 40,000 seat  plane in Memphis on a street outside of a factory without permission or regard for human life, breaking into said factory, and then engaging in an armed standoff with local authorities. I just need him to do his thing and get back to Santa Monica in time for tonight's match."

Papas Fritas Approves First Move of 20HT

Santa Monica, CA -

TNT resident fertilizer and Hacksaw Inc independent arbitrator Codi "Papas Fritas" Harris announced this week that he had approved the first move of 20HT, the sale of Minnesota to Canada.

The move was expected after BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was unable to overcome a debilitating case of Minnesota Fever that he had brought back from the northern wasteland, and as a result Back Door Santa lost 3 out of 4 points last week.

"As you know, any and all moves made this year must be approved by me," said Papas Fritas at today's press conference. "My office has been inundated with requests, many of them for simple bathroom breaks, from all across the land. Dynagirl and I have been working day and night to organize the requests, but we knew that our first priority had to be addressing the need to get rid of Minnesota."

According to Hackapedia, Minnesota was founded in 1846 by Gobby Goblinstein, a nefarious ne'r do well who was banished from the United States by then President James K. Hack. At the time, the land was deemed unuseful by the American government due to its lack of fertile soil necessary to cultivate mahogany and textiles, and therefore became a de facto open air prison for all of America's undesireables.

As part of the deal, the former US state of Minnesota will become the 11th providence of Canada and re-named Canada Heights. The residents of Canada Heights celebrated this morning with their tradition of driving 5 miles under the speed limit in all three lanes on the highway while rocking out to Crash Test Dummies.

To thank Papas Fritas for his hard work, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman and also owner of this year, Thursdays, Christmas, and American history, bequeathed unto Fritas the world's first bowling ball made of pure soconium ore. The ball weighs 64,000 pounds and is so volatile that even a change of 0.00000054% in wind MPH would result in an explosion so powerful that it would render the known universe completely lifeless. Fritas plans to debut the new ball in league play tonight.

"I had 9 nanoseconds this morning, so in my Hackpad I calculated every single move or motion Papas Fritas has ever made since the exact second he was born, and built the ball to those exact specifications," said Hacksaw. "The bowling ball is fully inert as long as Papas Fritas is the one bowling it. However, if anyone else so much touches it, it will mess up the entire equilibrium of the soconium and their hands will burn with the fire of 16 quadrillion suns. Other side effects include nausea and homicidal mood swings."

And finally this week, BDS captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon told ESPNBDS that he was looking forward to seeing a Dynamite tonight "full of his usual whimsy" because "it's a fucking drag when you're watching him leave ten open frames and he can't even throw the fucking Hacksaw correctly."

Hacksaw Has Enough, Purchases 2013

Papas Fritas discusses audit procedures with DynaGirl

Santa Monica, CA -

Finally reaching his limit with the corruption at Bayshore Lanes, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced today that he had purchased the year 2013.

"My purchase last year of American history showed that I now have control over the past, yet it's the future that worries me," said Hacksaw. "I can't let another TNT championship fall into nefarious hands through nefarious practices. It's time to control the future."

According to reports, Hacksaw became enraged when he learned that the 2012 TNT fall championship was rigged via ruthless methods of canceling league weeks in an effort to award a league title to a team nobody even likes or roots for, not even the coveted "mom shorts" demographic. Sources said that several teams were in contention for a league title until Bayshore Lanes, without approval, started renting out their lanes like a $2 hooker until only one team, the Scoreboard Watchers, were left with a chance at the title.

Shortly after position night, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, sent his trusted calendarial financial analyst, Hackosaur, to the Vatican City in an effort to work a deal to purchase the 2013 calendar year. Upon arriving aboard Johnnie Skymaster, Hackosaur was surprised to find that Hacksaw Inc was the only bidder. As part of the deal, 2013 will now be known as "20HT" or "Two Thousand Hack-Teen".

"With this deal, every decision across the land, from the redwood and mahogany forests - which I own - to the Gulfstream waters - which I'm considering - must be approved by my team. It's the only way I can ensure that the 20HT Winter Season is a fair fight," Hacksaw stated.

In order to manage the reams of red tape that will surely come with the decision approval process, Hacksaw hired famed arbitrator and league fertilizer Papas Fritas, of the firm Didwee, Scroo, Herre & How, as the top approval monitor for any decisions brought before the board this year. Fritas is known for his hard-line approach to economics and fairness, never one to fear throwing corruption into the Cuban hotbox of "pending."

"I'm honored by the faith Hacksaw has put in me," said Fritas. "I'll be working closely with his apprentice, DynaGirl, to make the best decisions for his year. Just the other day she pushed me to pick a side on the notorious "should I go up or down the staircase" decision. Are you going up the stairs? Are you going down? Do you want the rest of this apple? Do you want to throw it on the floor? What are you pointing at? And so on. Those are tough decisions."

In other BDS news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish is fighting to recover from contracting the dreaded Minnesota fever after a training excursion in the south of Minnesota over the holidays. According to reports, Dynamite headed to the frozen tundra of the Midwest in order to please his wife, who I love you baby but fucking Christ I wish you were from Florida or Texas, my nose won't stop bleeding.

In yet other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons was sued by teen sensation Carly Rae Jepsen this week after he immediately changed his number when she tried to call him, maybe. Sources told ESPNBDS that the team is starting to worry about the mental strength of Powderkeg as this is the 1098th lawsuit filed against him in the past year by famous chicks who want to get pregnant.

"It's like, I like your song, and yes, I'm consistent, but that doesn't mean I want to consistently raise a family with you," said Powderkeg. "And yes, the rumors are true: I told her if she wrote a song about me, that I would raise a family with her. But then she just gave up the caesar salad so it's like, Hey I already ate."

An investigator close to the case indicated that it's likely Powderkeg would be acquitted by reasons of hunger, as he had been consisting on a diet solely of 2x4's due to a raccoon infestation at his place of residence, and thus was willing to eat virtually anything, including a caesar salad cooked by a 28 year old Canadian who looks 15. The investigator noted that the 28 year old who looks 15 does not actually go by the name "Ken Dawg Marshall".

And finally this week, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon took a holiday excursion to his homeland of Thailand (china? Phillipines?) to profess to the Gods of team play that he would forgoe his responsibilities in the fucking handicap pot this season.

"It's become a distraction, and I know this," said the Captain. "Even my boo, Barbara Palvin-Tabon, says that I spend more money taking dollar bills from fucking white trash deadbeats than I do concentrating on lovemaking, which upsets her because holy christ can I please a woman."