Santa Monica, CA -
TNT President Rue "El Presidente" Meade, already dealing with numerous accusations of rampant fraud and corruption in his regime, is now dealing with contraction of teams that threatens to bring an end to the entire league.
Early this morning, El Presidente received notice that team NTWBI was quitting the league, effective immediately. Sources say that the papers were filed immediately after they watched the game tapes from last week's matchups, specifically the matchup in which Back Door Santa unleashed a convoy of excellence and annihilated their competition.
"BDS had won their first two games easily," reported ESPN's John Clayton. "But after three frames in the third game, they were in trouble. However, like they've done to numerous opponents on numerous occasions, they flipped a switch and went into BackDoor Mode (which can also be accessed by pressing up up down down left right left right select start) and took all four points. Let this be a lesson to you kids: Kids never learn."
NTWBI member and Los Angeles Clippers employee Madelyn Burke-Lyons was so flustered after watching the convoy on video that she accidentally traded point guard Baron Davis to Cleveland for Mo Williams and a bag of hammers. By the time she stopped gazing at her framed photograph of BDS rookie Powderkeg and realized her mistake, the trade deadline was over and it was too late.
"I can't continue to fulfill my duties as both a Clippers employee and a middle-of-the-road member of NTWBI - not when the first place trophies have already been engraved with a B and a D to save time," said Burke-Lyons in a prepared statement. "I emplore El Presidente to do what's right in this situation, and make Back Door Santa bowl blindfolded with their left hands. I for one know that they're good with their hands but my God they are dreamy. What do you think of this dress? I was going to wear it to the lanes tonight. Is it too obvious?"
The Los Angeles Times traveled to El Presidente's compound in Tijuana to ask him a few questions, but he angrily closed the door to his embezzlement room and refused to come out, only stating that "I've got a lot of scores to rig" and "why did my former team member Dave quit the league but still shows up every week as a sub."
In other Back Door Santa news, CNN was finally able to tape its long-awaited interview with BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, excerpts of which were obtained by The Huffington Post (reprinted with permission):
CNN: Hacksaw, I don't use the word "hero" lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
HJS: Thanks Anderson
CNN: NBC's Brian Williams claims that you're a "handsome bully" and "America's best secret weapon"
HJS: This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against "The Never-Ending Story." Williams has had it out for me ever since I refused to talk about my new bowling ball.
CNN: You're the poster boy for Back Door Santa. Do you feel that's fair?
HJS: Listen, my good looks paid for that bowling alley, and my talent filled it with bowling pins.
CNN: You were one of the first to speak out against horseplay
HJS: There's a zero percent chance this interview makes any sense unless you watch The Simpsons.
CNN: Tell us about the team captain, Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon
HJS: Shot Boy is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is *not* a porn star!
CNN: Thanks for your time Hacksaw
HJS: HAYOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Everything Coming Up Milhouse?
Santa Monica, CA -
Team members of Back Door Santa are preparing for tonight's match after their successful fact-finding mission last night in Hollywood. Specifically, the facts are that they brighten a room with their whimsy and good looks.
According to multiple sources, team member Dynamite Chris Parish was playing a rock show at famed rock venue Room 5. Because being a champion is also about team support, fellow BDS members Hacksaw John Serris, Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, and Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons showed up to help deflect attention away from the abundant media so Dynamite could focus on rocking. Near the end of the show, Dynamite was struggling to find the energy to finish the set on account of pouring his all into the performance, as he has during every activity ever.
Noticing his teammate in need, Shot Boy summoned the squad up to the front of the stage for their famous "1 2 3 BACK DOOR" chant; the show was delayed ten minutes while the women in attendance completed their masturbation.
According to witnesses, there was a tense moment near the end of the night when NBC's Brian Williams attempted to interview Hacksaw regarding rumors that he had purchased a new bowling ball. Unpublished reports state that this new ball is so terrifying and powerful that it must be stored in kerosene because it will explode when exposed to oxygen. After calmly deflecting Williams' interrogations, Hacksaw screamed "THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, BRIAN. NO - IT'S OVER" as Williams crumpled into a ball of fear and admiration.
Powderkeg also refused to comment on reports that TV's George Clooney had legally changed his name to "A Less Attractive Nick Lyons," saying that while "it was a long time coming", Back Door Santa "doesn't comment on tabloid speculation."
ESPN's John Clayton filed a pre-game report saying that the team listed Dynamite as "probable" for tonight's match, citing a sore throat so intense that he was trying to remember if he had eaten shards of glass last night.
Team members of Back Door Santa are preparing for tonight's match after their successful fact-finding mission last night in Hollywood. Specifically, the facts are that they brighten a room with their whimsy and good looks.
According to multiple sources, team member Dynamite Chris Parish was playing a rock show at famed rock venue Room 5. Because being a champion is also about team support, fellow BDS members Hacksaw John Serris, Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, and Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons showed up to help deflect attention away from the abundant media so Dynamite could focus on rocking. Near the end of the show, Dynamite was struggling to find the energy to finish the set on account of pouring his all into the performance, as he has during every activity ever.
Noticing his teammate in need, Shot Boy summoned the squad up to the front of the stage for their famous "1 2 3 BACK DOOR" chant; the show was delayed ten minutes while the women in attendance completed their masturbation.
According to witnesses, there was a tense moment near the end of the night when NBC's Brian Williams attempted to interview Hacksaw regarding rumors that he had purchased a new bowling ball. Unpublished reports state that this new ball is so terrifying and powerful that it must be stored in kerosene because it will explode when exposed to oxygen. After calmly deflecting Williams' interrogations, Hacksaw screamed "THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, BRIAN. NO - IT'S OVER" as Williams crumpled into a ball of fear and admiration.
Powderkeg also refused to comment on reports that TV's George Clooney had legally changed his name to "A Less Attractive Nick Lyons," saying that while "it was a long time coming", Back Door Santa "doesn't comment on tabloid speculation."
ESPN's John Clayton filed a pre-game report saying that the team listed Dynamite as "probable" for tonight's match, citing a sore throat so intense that he was trying to remember if he had eaten shards of glass last night.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Musings On Being Successful
A lot of people ask me - "Dynamite, what does it take to be a champion?"
This is a loaded question, but I guess the simple answer is "Be handsome." I'm sure there are other means through which you can achieve success, but frankly I don't know any other way and I don't care to know any other way.
When you are a champion, you're constantly being stopped by envious people who want to shake your hand and bask in your glory. If you're good looking, then you're used to this because it's happened all of your life. My breathtaking visage has been noticed by others as far back as I can remember; starting with my mom telling me that when girls make fun of you constantly and throw shit at you it's because they think you're cute ... well then a bunch of years passed, but occasionally my girlfriend mentions it if I buy her something. These days, as a champion, I know how to handle the pitfalls that come with it.
I first joined Back Door Santa in the spring of 2010; they were previously a middle-of-the-road squad, but had decided that they wanted to be champions. Team Captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon had always noticed me at parties, specifically how good looking I tended to be. He casually mentioned that he had a bowling team, and this team was currently looking to become unstoppable. I had some free time so I said, "Yeah ok, I'll join your team so we can win the league championship."
The first few weeks entailed mainly learning the nuances of the lanes and catching girls who were fainting, but by mid-season we unleashed a convoy of rugged excellence. We bulldozed our way to the league championship in August to the surprise of no one.
When the fall league started in September and it was time to defend the championship, all of the sudden we had targets on our backs. Every other team in the league was jealous (it's scientific evidence, you can look it up). Did we have what it took to defend the title? Were we willing to risk our good looks night in and night out, scrapping for every last pin?
The short answer, as well as the long answer, was "no, not even close." It was a painful season, and we were forced to re-assess our strategy; what were we missing?
I met with Shot Boy and Hacksaw and we decided that this team needed to get more handsome - if that was even possible. So we added Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, and it feels as though this season we're back on track. Not ever week has been a breeze; in fact, last week we played this team of cheaters and the results were very suspect and under investigation. During trying times I think about what American heroes like Dr. Peter Burns (played by TV's Jack Wagner) would do in a situation like this. Are we just going to sit here strapped to an operating table, waiting for Kimberly to give us a lobotomy to cure our alleged rage epilepsy? Or, are we instead going to tighten our suspenders and judge a beauty contest with Dr. Michael Mancini, giving the award to a young Denise Richards? I think it's quite obvious where Back Door Santa is headed this season.
This is a loaded question, but I guess the simple answer is "Be handsome." I'm sure there are other means through which you can achieve success, but frankly I don't know any other way and I don't care to know any other way.
When you are a champion, you're constantly being stopped by envious people who want to shake your hand and bask in your glory. If you're good looking, then you're used to this because it's happened all of your life. My breathtaking visage has been noticed by others as far back as I can remember; starting with my mom telling me that when girls make fun of you constantly and throw shit at you it's because they think you're cute ... well then a bunch of years passed, but occasionally my girlfriend mentions it if I buy her something. These days, as a champion, I know how to handle the pitfalls that come with it.
I first joined Back Door Santa in the spring of 2010; they were previously a middle-of-the-road squad, but had decided that they wanted to be champions. Team Captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon had always noticed me at parties, specifically how good looking I tended to be. He casually mentioned that he had a bowling team, and this team was currently looking to become unstoppable. I had some free time so I said, "Yeah ok, I'll join your team so we can win the league championship."
The first few weeks entailed mainly learning the nuances of the lanes and catching girls who were fainting, but by mid-season we unleashed a convoy of rugged excellence. We bulldozed our way to the league championship in August to the surprise of no one.
When the fall league started in September and it was time to defend the championship, all of the sudden we had targets on our backs. Every other team in the league was jealous (it's scientific evidence, you can look it up). Did we have what it took to defend the title? Were we willing to risk our good looks night in and night out, scrapping for every last pin?
The short answer, as well as the long answer, was "no, not even close." It was a painful season, and we were forced to re-assess our strategy; what were we missing?
I met with Shot Boy and Hacksaw and we decided that this team needed to get more handsome - if that was even possible. So we added Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, and it feels as though this season we're back on track. Not ever week has been a breeze; in fact, last week we played this team of cheaters and the results were very suspect and under investigation. During trying times I think about what American heroes like Dr. Peter Burns (played by TV's Jack Wagner) would do in a situation like this. Are we just going to sit here strapped to an operating table, waiting for Kimberly to give us a lobotomy to cure our alleged rage epilepsy? Or, are we instead going to tighten our suspenders and judge a beauty contest with Dr. Michael Mancini, giving the award to a young Denise Richards? I think it's quite obvious where Back Door Santa is headed this season.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Friday Morning Recap
2/11/2011
It was clear that the pending lawsuit against Hacksaw for his blatant disregard for the California Bowling Pin Makers of American #69 pins was weighing heavy on his mind Thursday night. The usually sturdy and unflappable Hacksaw was unreliable and inconsistent. “He just wasn’t himself” said a young bystander and Hacksaw fan. When asked if the lawsuit had anything to do with his poor performance Hacksaw turned and shoved the reporter to the ground as he screamed expletives.
Sources close to Hacksaw have verified that the veteran bowler plans to hit the lanes with a vengeance and get back to his 2x4 swinging ways.
It was clear that the pending lawsuit against Hacksaw for his blatant disregard for the California Bowling Pin Makers of American #69 pins was weighing heavy on his mind Thursday night. The usually sturdy and unflappable Hacksaw was unreliable and inconsistent. “He just wasn’t himself” said a young bystander and Hacksaw fan. When asked if the lawsuit had anything to do with his poor performance Hacksaw turned and shoved the reporter to the ground as he screamed expletives.
Sources close to Hacksaw have verified that the veteran bowler plans to hit the lanes with a vengeance and get back to his 2x4 swinging ways.
Hacksaw Sued
2/10/11
Santa Monica, CA -
The California Bowling Pin Makers of American #69 announced today they are seeking $40 million
dollars from John "Hacksaw" Serris in a lawsuit filed this morning.
"Mr. Serris' complete and utter disregard for the health of our union workers has gone on long enough
this season," said union spokesman Dee Snuts. "Every game he bowls for Back Door Santa results in
countless hours of overtime needed from our workers to replace the pins he destroys. Normally we
provide Bayshore Lanes with 100 to 200 replacements pins a season; Hacksaw is on pace to annihilate
that many pins per week."
Sources told ESPN that while a typical bowling pin can handle ten weeks of punishment from a 16 pound
ball thrown at upwards of 30 miles per hour; Hacksaw's throws are scientific anomaly based on their
record torque and accuracy.
"Bowling pin science has not yet caught up with the technology needed to withstand this sort of weekly
punishment," said ESPN's John Clayton. "In a normal bowling alley, pins are re-used after every frame.
In the case of Hacksaw, the broken shards of wood must be immediately taken to waste management
facility. Of course, before they are removed, they must first be hosed down with a fire extinguisher
because they are on fucking fire and shit, I mean that's how fucking awesome he is at bowling."
Hacksaw's Back Door Santa teammates Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons and Dynamite Chris Parish handsomely
traveled to the union offices today to implore union reps to drop the lawsuit. The female officials
immediately agreed to drop the lawsuit and also asked if the rugged bowlers had been working out a
lot lately, and were they free for dinner later, no big deal, oops my blouse is open. Unfortunately for
Backdoor Santa, the male union reps refused to drop the lawsuit, citing jealousy.
The Los Angeles Times reports that it's now up to team captain Shot Boy Tabon to request assistance
from El Presidente Rue Meade, however sources indicate that he's on a fact-finding mission up in a tree
outside Parish's Hermosa Estate, spying on Mrs. Dynamite Amy Sinko and pretending that girls find him
attractive.
Santa Monica, CA -
The California Bowling Pin Makers of American #69 announced today they are seeking $40 million
dollars from John "Hacksaw" Serris in a lawsuit filed this morning.
"Mr. Serris' complete and utter disregard for the health of our union workers has gone on long enough
this season," said union spokesman Dee Snuts. "Every game he bowls for Back Door Santa results in
countless hours of overtime needed from our workers to replace the pins he destroys. Normally we
provide Bayshore Lanes with 100 to 200 replacements pins a season; Hacksaw is on pace to annihilate
that many pins per week."
Sources told ESPN that while a typical bowling pin can handle ten weeks of punishment from a 16 pound
ball thrown at upwards of 30 miles per hour; Hacksaw's throws are scientific anomaly based on their
record torque and accuracy.
"Bowling pin science has not yet caught up with the technology needed to withstand this sort of weekly
punishment," said ESPN's John Clayton. "In a normal bowling alley, pins are re-used after every frame.
In the case of Hacksaw, the broken shards of wood must be immediately taken to waste management
facility. Of course, before they are removed, they must first be hosed down with a fire extinguisher
because they are on fucking fire and shit, I mean that's how fucking awesome he is at bowling."
Hacksaw's Back Door Santa teammates Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons and Dynamite Chris Parish handsomely
traveled to the union offices today to implore union reps to drop the lawsuit. The female officials
immediately agreed to drop the lawsuit and also asked if the rugged bowlers had been working out a
lot lately, and were they free for dinner later, no big deal, oops my blouse is open. Unfortunately for
Backdoor Santa, the male union reps refused to drop the lawsuit, citing jealousy.
The Los Angeles Times reports that it's now up to team captain Shot Boy Tabon to request assistance
from El Presidente Rue Meade, however sources indicate that he's on a fact-finding mission up in a tree
outside Parish's Hermosa Estate, spying on Mrs. Dynamite Amy Sinko and pretending that girls find him
attractive.
Dynamite: Hero?
2/3/11
Santa Monica, CA -
Often called the "heart" of Back Door Santa, Dynamite Chris Parish will need more than that to compete
this week after having back replacement surgery on Tuesday.
Parish injured his back last weekend after a five-day move to his new beach estate. Sources indicate that
his fiancé has never thrown anything away ever, including broken chairs and 9,000 pairs of shoes, which
resulted in seven truckloads needing to be unloaded by Parish along with the two 16 foot moving trucks
that had already been used.
"You can't measure heart, but you can measure major spine trauma," said his surgeon, Dr. Nick
Riviera. "He was so incapacitated that we had to perform emergency back replacement surgery so he
could walk and bowl. What a country!"
This is a critical week for Back Door Santa, who started the season 1-3 but has since unleashed a convoy
of excellence on the rest of the league. Let by their ringer, Hacksaw John Serris, and infused with mad
skillz based on the play of #1 draft pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, BDS is playing with high confidence and
hopes it continues.
"We are pleased with the medical progress of Dynamite," said team captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon in a
statement to the media. "I'd like to say that I'm very humbled by the thousands of fan letters showing
support for Dynamite during this difficult recovery. By the way, they were all from ladies."
Quote the Raven, "What A Shine."
Santa Monica, CA -
Often called the "heart" of Back Door Santa, Dynamite Chris Parish will need more than that to compete
this week after having back replacement surgery on Tuesday.
Parish injured his back last weekend after a five-day move to his new beach estate. Sources indicate that
his fiancé has never thrown anything away ever, including broken chairs and 9,000 pairs of shoes, which
resulted in seven truckloads needing to be unloaded by Parish along with the two 16 foot moving trucks
that had already been used.
"You can't measure heart, but you can measure major spine trauma," said his surgeon, Dr. Nick
Riviera. "He was so incapacitated that we had to perform emergency back replacement surgery so he
could walk and bowl. What a country!"
This is a critical week for Back Door Santa, who started the season 1-3 but has since unleashed a convoy
of excellence on the rest of the league. Let by their ringer, Hacksaw John Serris, and infused with mad
skillz based on the play of #1 draft pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, BDS is playing with high confidence and
hopes it continues.
"We are pleased with the medical progress of Dynamite," said team captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon in a
statement to the media. "I'd like to say that I'm very humbled by the thousands of fan letters showing
support for Dynamite during this difficult recovery. By the way, they were all from ladies."
Quote the Raven, "What A Shine."
More Bad News
1/12/11
Guys,
I have some bad news for the other teams in the league.
According to my calculations, Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons averages 160 pins/game when he didn't play with
us the week before. Because Hacksaw successfully destroyed three transformers with the foam hacksaw
last week, bowling was canceled. Thus, Powderkeg didn't play with us last week.
This means that the other teams in the league stand little chance of keeping up with the convoy
tomorrow night.
I'm really torn up about this; as you know, I have a lot of friends in our bowling league and I genuinely
enjoy seeing everyone. I don't like to see my friends devastated and their dreams crushed with so much
of the season schedule ahead of us. I feel as though this is going to turn into a solemn league with
people skipping a lot of the weeks because there's no point - who wants to drive all the way to Santa
Monica to play for second place?
Let me know if you think we should bring this up to Tony before we get started tomorrow, and maybe
set up some sort of extra team handicap so that at least we can feign a competitive league for the next
15 weeks.
You know I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it wouldn't be fair if I didn't bring this up before
tomorrow.
Guys,
I have some bad news for the other teams in the league.
According to my calculations, Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons averages 160 pins/game when he didn't play with
us the week before. Because Hacksaw successfully destroyed three transformers with the foam hacksaw
last week, bowling was canceled. Thus, Powderkeg didn't play with us last week.
This means that the other teams in the league stand little chance of keeping up with the convoy
tomorrow night.
I'm really torn up about this; as you know, I have a lot of friends in our bowling league and I genuinely
enjoy seeing everyone. I don't like to see my friends devastated and their dreams crushed with so much
of the season schedule ahead of us. I feel as though this is going to turn into a solemn league with
people skipping a lot of the weeks because there's no point - who wants to drive all the way to Santa
Monica to play for second place?
Let me know if you think we should bring this up to Tony before we get started tomorrow, and maybe
set up some sort of extra team handicap so that at least we can feign a competitive league for the next
15 weeks.
You know I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it wouldn't be fair if I didn't bring this up before
tomorrow.
Bad News
1/6/2011
Gents,
It's come to my attention that we are going to directly impact a lot of people in a negative way over the
course of the next three months. As we are tearing through the competition with our convoy of beer
frames, let's not forget that the teams we are destroying are comprised of people with feelings, just like
you or me. The only difference is that we crush hopes and dreams on a weekly basis, whereas they have
their hopes and dreams crushed.
Every team starts a fresh season playing for a championship; the reality is that most of these teams
don't stand a chance. There's been a lot of talk about parity in the league, but that may be misleading.
We had a good draft this off-season while unloading some bloated contracts. We were able to re-sign
our franchise QB (future Hall of Famer John "Hacksaw" Serris) who re-structured his contract so we
could stay under the cap while retaining the team's best playmakers/runway models, Dynamite Chris
Parish and Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.
We are going to have to step it up tonight while our #1 draft pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons sits out his
one-game suspension, but starting next week we'll be leaving nothing but a path of destruction and
despair in our wake.
Just remember - when we hoist up the championship trophy in April, we're not that much different than
the teams we beat along the way, other than being way fucking better at bowling.
Re: Bad News
I have appealed my suspension to no avail. Also, I have submitted my name for the Michigan job. I
stand a good chance as I know of many Michigan men.
Good luck tonight and remember the most important thing, Play Handsome.
Gents,
It's come to my attention that we are going to directly impact a lot of people in a negative way over the
course of the next three months. As we are tearing through the competition with our convoy of beer
frames, let's not forget that the teams we are destroying are comprised of people with feelings, just like
you or me. The only difference is that we crush hopes and dreams on a weekly basis, whereas they have
their hopes and dreams crushed.
Every team starts a fresh season playing for a championship; the reality is that most of these teams
don't stand a chance. There's been a lot of talk about parity in the league, but that may be misleading.
We had a good draft this off-season while unloading some bloated contracts. We were able to re-sign
our franchise QB (future Hall of Famer John "Hacksaw" Serris) who re-structured his contract so we
could stay under the cap while retaining the team's best playmakers/runway models, Dynamite Chris
Parish and Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon.
We are going to have to step it up tonight while our #1 draft pick Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons sits out his
one-game suspension, but starting next week we'll be leaving nothing but a path of destruction and
despair in our wake.
Just remember - when we hoist up the championship trophy in April, we're not that much different than
the teams we beat along the way, other than being way fucking better at bowling.
Re: Bad News
I have appealed my suspension to no avail. Also, I have submitted my name for the Michigan job. I
stand a good chance as I know of many Michigan men.
Good luck tonight and remember the most important thing, Play Handsome.
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