Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced this week that he had purchased Einstein's Theory of Relativity and had already begun printing editions of Hacksaw's History Of The United States textbooks to reflect the purchase.
"I've always been interested in quantum physics, often burying my head in books while I perfected the correct guile ratio needed to resurrect Hackosaur," said Hacksaw. "You hear scientists and news agencies throwing around the Theory of Relativity all the time, but nobody's making any money off of it. That's when the businessman in me gets to work."
According to Hackapedia, the theory of relativity was developed by German physicist and noted womanizer Albert Einstein and states that the measurements of various quantities are relative to the velocities of observers, and that space and time should be consider together with each other. Hackapedia goes on to note that Einstein later sold his theory to an un-named capitalist in the 21st century "known for his guile and vast wealth, and intangibles. And he had a dinosaur somehow."
As the owner of the theory, Hacksaw stands to make roughly $876 quadrillion dollars each fiscal year due to the usage tax each time the theory is observed by eligible parties - those being anyone observing anything anywhere at any time. However, due to the tax structure implemented by Hacksaw's accountant Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on spacial theory tax, there will be several provisions in the tax law exempting certain parties from this tax.
"We haven't hammered out the exact tax loopholes yet," Hacksaw continued, "but a good amount of that tax will be paid by goblins."
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