Hacksaw To Announce Polar Vortex Decision

Bambi Tabon enjoys the HAPPY

Santa Monica, CA - Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris is set to make an announcement tonight regarding the duration of his latest creation, a powerful polar vortex impacting most of North America.

The strong vortex, named HAPPY (HAcksaw Polar Precipitation Y-vent) began Sunday when Hacksaw reduced power from the sun by 50%.

At a news conference Saturday evening, Hacksaw discussed his reasoning with a media throng that frankly had been taking sunlight for granted.

"It's the dawn of a new bowling season, and I want to be in a situation where I'm not sitting in the warm sunshine losing focus," said Hacksaw. "I want to keep my wits about me, not drinking Mai Tais on the beach. Unfortunately, Hackosaur has yet to complete his new mechanism that helps us control exactly which parts of the earth will feel the impact of the reduced power, and thus there's a good chance that California will be as warm as it always is, and the historic cold will only affect parts of the US I don't give a shit about."

Critics of the plan are accusing Hacksaw of trying to punish US citizens for cheating on their sun taxes, while others theorize that he's been too busy with his new role on the FX series "Justified" to have fully vetted this idea with Hackosaur and his team of researchers.

"Justified" season 5 debuted last night to record ratings, as viewers tuned in to get a first look at a guile-y new character named Hack Longinthepants, played by TV's John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman. Longinthepants is a loose canon detective, and it remains to be seen if the rest of Harlan County will grow tired of his renegade ways. Longinthepants is teamed with his veteran partner Hackosaur Givens, a throwback to the Prohibition-era dinosaurs popularized by the golden age of Hollywood and a distant cousin of Raylon Givens. Hackosaur is one day away from retirement, but agrees to go on one last mission with Longinthepants aboard their fishing boat, the coincidentally-named "Live Forever."

"Hack Longinthepants is a character I was born to play," said Hacksaw. "He plays by his own rules, nobody elses, not even his own."

Meteorologist Jim Cantore said that while he's been thrilled with the performance of HAPPY so far this week, inside sources tell him that Hacksaw's decision to end HAPPY and save the world will likely come down to whether or not he makes a pizza pie tonight.

In other news, BDS hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons returned safely from his pilgrimage to Belize, known throughout the world as the spiritual center of the bowling community. ESPNBDS reported in early December that the team feared Powderkeg had lost his love of bowling, and thus the team put him aboard Johnnie Skymaster, and in early December + 3 seconds Powderkeg arrived in Belize to find his inner bowler.

And finally this week, the stars came out to get the first look at Hollywood's newest restaurant, The Marinara Panda, an Italian-Chinese fusion restaurant recently opened by BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and his boo, Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence-Tabon. Fans of Italian-Chinese fusion dined on Marinara Panda specialties like Truffle Tso's Chicken, Kung Pow Parmesan, and Hot and Sour Gnocci. The most popular dish, Basil-Wrapped Dump Gulper Shark, is a medley of olive-oil sauteed basil wrapped around pieces of Dump Gulper Shark, the world's rarest, most endangered, and tastiest shark. Diners can expect to pay upwards of $40,000 just for asking if it's one of today's specials.