Santa Monica, CA -
Hackosaur, championship coach of Back Door Santa as well as the top scientist in his field, announced this week that he was hanging up his bowling hat for while, and he was going fishin.
"It is with much excitement today that I announce a sabbatical from bowling in order to focus my efforts on coaching Back Door Santa, the world's fastest-rising fishing team," said Hackosaur in a prepared statement. "While I know this decision will come as a surprise to the bowling community, the fact of the matter is that the sport I have loved for millions of years, since I invented it, has been over-run by cockbrains in Costco jeans, screaming bearded banshees, old people, and the dirty French. Fuck the French."
"Furthermore," Hackosaur continued, "bowling on Mondays is for assholes."
As the news rippled through the bowling community, fans of BDS stormed the gates of the residence of Francois Hollande, the current President of France, demanding that any and all French on US soil be captured and returned to France until they figured out which one was robbing the world of BDS.
"Zee fans of zee bowlingz, zey are very angry," said Hollande. "I vould like to zay to zee American peoples, pleaze do not judge all of uz based on zee ack-shunz ahv one dairty Frenchman, sis vous plais."
Sources close to Hackosaur said that over the course of this winter season, he had become increasingly frustrated with the direction of the league, going so far as to actually long for the days of El Presidente's totalitarian rule.
"El Presidente may have been corrupt, but at least he wasn't a fucking clown," said BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman. "I know I sure as hell didn't create Hackosaur out of ancient DNA and guile just so he would have to spend time with these people. I mean, fuck these people and fuck this place."
Recent developments in the ocean have made the decision easy for Hackosaur, sources said. In the past 9 months he's curated what experts say is the most powerful fishing team in the history of nautical sport, Back Door Santa.
"We play by our own rules, nobody else's. Not even our own," said BDS hearthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons. "There's only one thing on earth more powerful than my shimmy, and that's Hacksaw's Carolina Rig. Now it's time to see our potential. It will be easier to focus on cannibalizing the ocean food chain when we don't have to drive to Santa Monica on Monday nights for that shit."
BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon released a statement via a series of texts to his girlfriend, Jessica.
"Hey we r not bowling n e more"
"Yay! more time 4 texting lol"
"yes boo but my stupid friends want 2 fish do you want to fish?"
"No I am still recovering from missing u so much when u went camping"
"it was terrible they made me play wiffle ball and eat good food i miss you"
"lets never b apart"
"ok lets text and b in love lol rolf ttyl"
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