Santa Monica, CA -
On the eve of Hacktoberfest, Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he had finalized a deal to purchase Spain, thus allowing the good citizens there to celebrate Hacktoberfest this Saturday.
"Loyal citizens of the Hacksaw nation," said Hacksaw at the news conference aboard Lil' Soco. "From the fertile shores of southern Finland, from 6 of the 31 counties in Portugal, from the ports of HAYO in Cuba to the shores of Lake Guile on the sun - let's welcome our new brethren from Spain. Let them celebrate this Saturday during Hacktoberfest as they begin a new life of championshipness and calibration."
Hacksaw's voice was almost impossible to hear during the news conference, as the crowd of 49 billion chanted "VIVA HACKSAW! VIVA HACKSAW" and rejoiced. According to sources, Hacksaw reached a deal at the 11th hour to purchase Spain by trading Saturn to the former government of Spain. Once the papers were signed, he commissioned Hackosaur to fly to the sun and shut down directional sunlight to Saturn, thus devaluing the ringed planet to the point where the former leaders of Spain were looking to sell it off as quickly as possible.
"I heard that Saturn was back on the market," said Hacksaw. "I knew that it had dropped significantly in value, so I thought maybe we could work a deal. The former leaders of Spain were strapped for cash, so I sent Hackosaur over there to look into a possible purchase. We were surprised to find out that we were the only bidder."
Once the news conference during which Hacksaw announced the purchase of Spain was over, he held another news conference to announce his latest acquisition, Saturn.
"Loyal citizens of the Hacksaw nation," said Hacksaw at the second news conference aboard Lil' Soco. "From the fertile shores of southern Finland, from 6 of the 31 counties in Portugal, from the ports of HAYO in Cuba to the shores of Lake Guile on the sun, from the sunkissed fields of Spain - let's re-welcome our new brethren from Saturn. Let them celebrate this Saturday during Hacktoberfest as they begin a familiar life of championshipness and calibration. Let's help their economy recover from the 19 minutes they were briefly not part of the Hacksaw nation."
According to CNBC, stocks plummeted 6,000% in countries not owned by Hacksaw once the news of his purchase of Spain was released.
In other news, celebrations have been planned across the globe beginning Friday night, Hacktoberfest Eve. BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish will commence the traditional icing of the keg in the holy utility bucket, a tradition that dates back to 1066, when Ye William Hacksaw The Conqueror arrived on the shores of southern England during the Norman invasion and tapped a keg before plundering Britain and taking it as his own. According to historians, the Anglo-Saxon inhabitants of Britain were quick to lay down their swords for a chance to taste the concoction, a combination of mead, local barleys, and guile.
In even more news, NBC announced that it expected an estimated 7 billion people across the globe will be watching their telecast Saturday of Hacktoberfest, making it the highest rated broadcast in history. The telecast begins at 8am PST, and NBC is reportedly charging $40 billion for 30 seconds of commercial airtime.
NBC also announced that its Hacktoberfest broadcast will be shown in every country except Cuba, where the El Presidente Network will instead show Heidi. The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, released a statement.
"The citizens of Cuba have spoken, and our benevolent leader El Presidente has awarded them by deciding to pre-empt Hacktoberfest coverage with a viewing of Heidi. Hacktoberfest celebrates the cruel persecution of barley and the fair citizens of Cuba do not support corruption and harvest. However, El Presidente does congratulate Hacksaw for almost setting the record for most strikes in a row on a Tuesday, coming close to El Presidente's record of 46."
In other BDS news, our handsome champions have been sequestered at Haüksaüw this week witnessing the final brewing process of BDS Hacktoberfest Ale. According to inside sources, at the 11th hour Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, determined that the flavor of the ale was roughly 1/45,000,000th of a percent off. Luckily for our heroes, team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon casually glanced out the window and noticed 2 ounces of a rare form of nutmeg growing in the mountains of southern Finland, which was immediately added to the mixture. The dash of spice reportedly made the Hacktoberfest ale 6 billion percent tastier.
And finally this week, Bayshore Lanes announced that it planned to celebrate Dynamite's birthday tonight by limiting ball return delays to under 17 minutes per frame to help speed up the celebration. A Bayshore spokesperson, NotTodd McJones, said "Holy shit Hacktoberfest is in two days."
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