As they make their annual summer championship run, TNT darlings Back Door Santa have been burdened by intense scrutiny ever since it was announced that an unidentified Hollywood starlet was leaving her husband, Tom Cruise, to be with Powderkeg.
On Tuesday, Hackosaur was forced to make an emergency landing of Yo Hacka Hacka during a routine training session with DynaGirl after TMZ hired a Lear Jet to follow Hackosaur, hoping to get a comment on the Hollywood scandal.
According to the National Enquirer, the unnamed actress had her lawyer, First Captain Kevin Meister, serve Cruise with divorce papers citing the usual circumstances, "irreconcilable differences between you and Powderkeg." The Enquirer reported that the actress had been using a pre-paid cell phone to make the calls to FC Meister, afraid that Cruise and the Church of Scientology were tracing her calls. Luckily for the actress, all pre-paid cell phones sold to women come pre-programmed with FC Meister's home, cell, and fax number.
Cruise and the anonymous actress reportedly agreed to divorce terms in a matter of days to hopefully avoid a prolonged and messy divorce. Sources said that written into the terms of the divorce, the actress is prohibited from discussing publicly or privately one of the most contentious moments in their marriage, and what sources said was the final straw for the unidentified actress - their most recent bowling trip.
According to the staff at Lucky Strike Lanes in Hollywood, on Saturday January 17th, Cruise and his wife arrived for a couple of games. Things devolved quickly when Cruise's glaring lack of consistency finally drove his wife to the brink. After Cruise mistook the rich Salvadorian mahogany of Lucky Strike Lanes as a run of the mill cherrywood, his anonymous wife reportedly screamed "I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be?" To which Cruise responded "I DON'T WAHNT ... YORE LAHF", storming out of the bowling alley and almost tripping on Paul Walker's crutches before being stabilized by star wide receiver Scott Caan.
FC Kevin Meister met with reporters to address allegations that a relationship had been developing for some time between the unidentified actress, going as far as TMZ showing photos of the actress, Powderkeg, and her daughter Suri Lyons taking in a a MiniKeg concert.
"Now, I'm no big city lawyer," said FC Meister, reading a prepared statement. "But it seeeems to meee ... when you have a bull by the horns, you have a pin by the lanes, you have a dream of things to come. There's absolutely no truth to the rumor that Powderkeg is in fact the father of Suri Lyons. There's a really good chance that he is though, I cannot be more clear on that."
In other BDS news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced that he's reached a deal to purchase the South American rain forest for a cool $640 billion. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, was on a remote piranha fishing trip south of Rio De Janiero last week, an annual retreat wherein Hacksaw can only catch the deadly fish with a combination of bare hands and guile.
"I've been disturbed this summer season by a glaring lack of consistency in the quality of the mahogany at Bayshore Lanes," said Hacksaw. "I mean, you buy mahogany from street dealer, you never know what you're getting. So I said, you know, why don't I just buy all of the mahogany."
This week, each lane at Bayshore was replaced based on Hacksaw's exact specifications with wood from his own personal world's largest rain forest. In keeping with voodoo tradition, Hacksaw did not personally determine the most accurate mahogany for each lane; it will be up to he and his teammates to determine the exact type and origination of mahogany on each lane, so as not to overshadow the importance of nuances.
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