Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced on Thursday that he was shutting the doors at his LionsGate studios after multiple breaches of company policy.
This week the loose cannons at LionsGate booked BayShore Lanes for their company Christmas party, eliminating a TNT league week and potentially derailing the latest championship run by BDS.
In a prepared statement, Hacksaw said that he was "deeply troubled by the numerous violations at LionsGate".
"I'm tired of their renegade ways," said Hacksaw. "Without my consent, they booked a party for Christmas, a holiday I own, on a Thursday, a day I own, while observing the Theory of Relativity, which I own, and creating history in the process, which I also own. Furthermore, I own them. So that's it, I can't takes no more."
Further exacerbating the incident, the company party was booked at a lowly bowling alley even though Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, had offered up the 7th through 912th floors of his helicopter, the accurately-named "Hack-A-Whirl," to host the party. Sources inside the now-defunct LionsGate said that they booked the bowling alley as a means to show fiscal responsibility to the fat cats at Hacksaw Inc, and erroneously believed that fiscal responsibility was necessary in the biggest conglomeration the world has ever seen, according to Hackapedia.
With a full slate of movies and television shows in development, the future of many projects remains up in the air. However, it was announced that "Mad Men", formerly distributed by LionsGate, would now be developed over at Hacksaw's PBS studios, with the plot no longer being a group of 1960's advertising execs but rather a crack team of body guards who travel the world protecting a fun-loving yellow bird named Hack Bird. Who knows what kind of hi-jinks we'll see next season. Hi-jinks, what a funny word. Three dotted letters in a row.
"Really makes you think, chief," said an anonymous source.
Not really.
In other BDS news, the stakes are high this week for our handsome heroes as they must sweep a team of nefarious Cuban women in order to keep pace for a championship. It remains to be seen what impact the recent poor play of BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish will have on the proceedings.
"He's been consistently terrible this season," said team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "Not like, CONSISTENT consistent, but just really a piece of fucking shit."
In an effort to improve his game, sources said that Dynamite took a sabbatical this week to the ancient mahogany forests of the South Sandwich Islands off the southern coast of Argentina.
"I prayed to Mahogadon, the ancient Argentinian god of nuance," said Dynamite. "I asked him to give unto me the intangibles needed to overcome my pitiful play."
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