Earth -
Nations across the world gathered today to celebrate the only holiday celebrated by all 196 countries on earth, World Hack Day.
Financial markets in Japan, Europe, and the United States opened at record highs as investors threw down their cash to honor John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline as well as the most successful small investor in world history. Tourists flocked to exotic locales owned by Hacksaw, including Spain, Mars, and 7 of the 13 counties in Portugal.
They day is a celebration of the birth of John "Hacksaw" Serris, the current patriarch of the Hacksaw bloodline, and an avid fisherman. The Hacksaw family began in 1620, when Hans Giovanni Hack emigrated to Jamestown, VA from either the Netherlands, Italy, or Germany. Finding that the New World in Virginia was disturbingly devoid of good looking women in which he might plant his powerful seed, Hack sailed up the coast of the Americas until he spotted several hotties hanging out on the shores of Boston Harbor.
Quickly after settling in New England, Hans met a comely lass of virtue true, D'Gonny Marie Phoodmastre. The Phoodmastre family had left England under duress after beating the Royal Family in the Ye Olde Bowling Tournament of 1619. King James IV (of the Stuart family) was unable to convert a 7-10 split in the championship game, and immediately accused his opponent, the sterling and handsome Cirque Du Somèr Phoodmastre (possibly of France) of witchcraft.
Hans and D'Gonny were soon married, and built a home on a development they named Somerville, after D'Gonny's father. They started the family fortune with a series of markets called D'Gonny's Phoodmastre, which they then sold to local conglomerate ConAgra Jones, whose company would own the markets until they were purchased by Hacksaw in 2011.
It is in Somerville where Hans Hacksaw began developing the science needed to ensure that his family would become the most successful bowling bloodline in the history of the world. Hans purchased nearby Beacon Street, tore up the cobblestone, and installed 14 bowling lanes built to his exact specifications. As he had yet to invent mahogany, these early lanes were built using local birch trees and cheap Native American labor. Locals would gather at the nearby pub, The Thirsty Hans, and place bets on how many consecutive 300 games Hans could bowl before they all got smallpox.
He also designed the first Hackpad prototype, an 8 inch by 12 inch piece of granite on which you could write calculations with chalk. Not wanting this technology to get into the wrong hands, he buried the prototype in the backyard so it could be discovered 400 years later by his great-great-great-great-great-great grandsaur, Hackosaur, and be used to design the current Hackpads we know and love today.
Hans and D'Gonny formed their first bowling team, Backdoor Father Christmas (BDFC), with a handsome guile-y neighbor, Nicholas Gunpowder, descendent of the Kegg family and father of 64% of the children in New England. Gunpowder recruited local businessowner Chong Tabonese, the only Asian Italian to have ever existed. Tabonese had made millions in Italy by providing secondary plans to city officials. If Plan A didn't work, they would then ask Tabonese to help them get to Plan B.
According to legend, D'Gonny's time on the team was cut short when she was injured by a 2x4 thrown in celebration after a strike (not in the face though). Not wanting to risk further calamity, she was replaced by shady fencing salesman TNT Chris Parish, who owned a building company called Weak Link Discount Fences. Parish was beloved by fathers in Somerville, for they knew that if he was courting their daughters, there was no risk that they could get knocked up in any reasonable timeframe.
Anyway that's the history of the Hacksaw family, eat your fucking hashbrowns.
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