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| Powderkeg and Palvin-Lyons during happier times |
It's not a very happy 20th birthday for Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin-Lyons, as the beauty announced that she was filing for divorce from her husband of four weeks, Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons.
"Is is with deep regret that I have decided to end my marriage to the most consistent man I've ever know, Powderkeg," Palvin-Lyons said in a written statement. "Where I come from, Germany or whatever, Wednesday nights are a sacred time to be with family and to do it. I understand that my beloved Powderkeg is a selfless man and long before me dedicated his life to bowling, and I love him so much that I can no longer stand in his way. It's laughable to think that this brave hero used to only bowl 3 games a night. But after 5 games every Wednesday, he's too fatigued to bowl one game of love with me."
According to the Associated Press, the pair began a whirlwind romance after meeting through the popular dating app TindHack, where users can peruse photos of Back Door Santa and send anonymous 'flirts'. The app comes standard on the Hackpad, and uses a powerful soconium-powered processor that allows the members of Back Door Santa to quickly filter the trillions of flirts received in a manner of nanoseconds.
TindHack was developed in August 2013 by Hacksaw Inc, and quickly sold to Zynga for $918 trillion dollars. The app had come under fire from media outlets because out of the trillions of flirts sent to BDS each day, 50% of them were from one woman who was concurrently planning her large-scale wedding to a 50 year old, knowing the whole time that it's kind of a really shitty thing to do to a person, even if he is old.
"Love is blind," said BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "Love knows no boundaries, especially the boundary of not looking for a better option up until literally two weeks before your wedding. Hey I'm sure it's gonna work out though, that's a good foundation."
In other news, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris unveiled his latest investment this week, HO2, a $578 quadrillion dollar oxygen bar designed to fight bowling fatigue. According to documents obtained by CNN, the team was entrenched aboard Lil Soco discussing ways to fight the fatigue that comes from bowling 5 games a night when Shot Boy casually glanced 14 degrees southwest of the moon and discovered a pocket of oxygen so pure and flammable that even a light brain synapse within 200 miles would create an explosion so powerful that the Milky Way would vanish within seconds.
Oxygen from this pocket in the atmosphere is delivered to HO2 daily so that members of BDS can take a little pick me up after the 5th frame of the 3rd game, the official "half way point" on Wednesday nights.
And finally this week, notorious BDS bachelor Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon stepped out with his new wife, Victoria's Secret model Barbara Palvin-Lyons-Tabon, at an event honoring bowling captains who date recently divorced supermodels.
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