Santa Monica, CA - The members of Back Door Santa and The Bowling Wallendas have retreated to Hacksaw's 100-foot luxury lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", in an effort to thwart plans by corrupt league despot El Presidente to derail TNT's much-heralded championship match on Thursday.
According to league sources, El Presidente called the White House early Wednesday and told President Obama that he was finally "willing to negotiate" his surrender as the totalitarian dictator of TNT. Obama was so excited to hear the news that he scheduled a trip to El Presidente's bunker in Los Angeles for Thursday evening. Sources also said that El Presidente has no intentions of giving up his iron fist rule of the league, but instead only wants to create a diversion and give himself enough time to rig the league score sheets and place his own team in the championship game against four blind guys. Not guys who are bowling with their blind score, but dudes who are legally blind. If that match does occur, the Wynn Las Vegas sports book gives El President's team 7-1 odds to win the championship.
In a show of solidarity and fairness, BDS ringer Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, extended an olive branch to the Wallendas and asked them to stay with BDS aboard his spacious lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", for their own protection and to ensure the safety of both teams before the big match. The teams will then travel from Lil SoCo to Bayshore lanes aboard Hacksaw's 200 seat private jet, the befittingly-named "Johnnie Skymaster." The jet, recently purchased by Hacksaw for $16.8 billion dollars, comes equipped with a 5-star buffalo steakhouse, a 300 acre African safari, a ten-story Four Seasons hotel, a water slide, a high-stakes casino, and 16 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications.
"I've had a soft spot for the Wallendas ever since First Captain Kevin Meister agreed to help defend me in Roe v Boat, and all I want is a fair match. The Wallendas seem to be enjoying their time here, and Heather has really taken a shine to the high-stakes casino. We'll probably comp her this weekend."
The Wallendas put themselves in the position for the title game by annihilating the competition last week, beating some team I don't feel like looking up but the point is, this is going to be a huge match. The Wallendas have a lifetime 37-2 record against Back Door Santa, led by Adam McStrikerson and his patented "walk away like you don't need that shit" post-strike strut. Fans across the world have been regaled and entertained by the many times FC Meister has made sweet sweet love to the ball return machine.
It's been an exhausting week for Back Door Santa as they prepare for the championship match. Team Captain My Captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon returned Wednesday from Geneva, where he was honored by the World Astrological Association for his work in discovering a new comet 25 light years away. He first noticed it Monday while he was adjusting his rearview mirror and casually glanced up into the sky with his insane new laser vision awesomeness. The WAA celebrated the feat by destroying every telescope in Switzerland cuz they don't need that shit anymore with Shot Boy around, and declared April as National Shot Boy Century.
BDS rookie and resident heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons is embroiled in a sex scandal, namely that all the chicks in TNT want to have sex with him and at this point are making it fairly obvious. The scandal started when a league member (identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons") went on the internet and started calling out all the "whores lol" in TNT and how they'd "better step off my man m i rite".
"I have not done anything to cause all this," said the handsome rookie with his biceps glistening in the sun. "I mind my own business, and furthermore I'm a happily married man. My wife, Madelyn Burke-Lyons, doesn't need to spend her time reading this in the tabloids. She's so upset that last night she waited almost 2 nanoseconds to whip off her bikini and start worshipping me when I came home."
When asked if he had an open marriage, Powderkeg said only "absolutely" and that "there's a decent chance" he would satisfy some of the other league ladies at his leisure, providing it didn't interfere with his love of bowling.
In other BDS news, look at this fantastic episode rundown from Season 3 of Melrose Place. God damn they don't make shows this awesome anymore
"Sydney makes a suspicious deal with two new business partners for Mancini Designs for a new pantie hose. With Brooke's help, Amanda launches a successful coup against Alison by making her look incompetent to D&D's board of directors which results in Alison's dismissal and Amanda immediately taking over her position. Meanwhile, Michael threatens Amanda when he receives a restraining order from her. Kimberly get complimented out of the camp when she breaks her drill instructor's arm and returns as an unstable-as-ever person, vowing to get back at Michael for abandoning her. Matt meets the hospital's new plastic surgeon, Paul Graham, who is also gay and invites Matt out on a date. Also, Jo feels guilty about seeing Jess behind Jake's back.
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