Trial Of The Century Begins

Santa Monica, CA

Flanked by his legal counsel, First Captain Kevin Meister, John "Hacksaw" Serris entered a Santa Monica courtroom today to defend himself in the $40 million dollar lawsuit filed against him by California Bowling Pin Makers of American #69.

Tensions mounted early in the trial when it was determined that the lawyer for Union #69, named "E.L. Presidente", was actually TNT league president Rue "El Presidente" Meade who disguised himself with a fake mustache and sombrero. Meister questioned the identity of E.L. Presidente after he made several comments throughout his opening statements that "we all know freedom is stupid", and was seen openly fixing league scoresheets while pretending to take notes.

"Your honor, I object!" said FC Meister. "The legal counsel for Union 69 is obviously El Presidente and therefore represents a conflict of interest during this trial."

"If I'm actually El Presidente, then how many fingers do I have?" replied E.L. Presidente.

Meister had Hacksaw face the jury and hold up ten fingers, which turned out to be the exact amount of fingers on the hands of El Presidente. In a brilliant move, Meister instructed Hacksaw to put on a pair of sanitary leather gloves to symbolize that he had 'washed his hands of corruption.'

It has been a trying week for Hacksaw, who instead of preparing for this week's league match had to spend $276 billion of his own money to install a security system on his 200-foot yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat", in response from numerous death threats from timber lobbyists commonly known as the "Wood Mafia." Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, also installed 10-foot thick bullet and missile-proof windows on his lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo."

In related news, Associated Press this week printed excerpts from a police sting suggesting that Back Door Santa's opponents this week, Split It And Quit It, were being funded by the Wood Mafia.

"It all makes sense," said First Captain Kevin Meister during an interview aboard Hacksaw's 200-foot yacht, the aptly-named "Row The Boat." "You'll notice that everytime they bowl against a team that is openly anti-Wood Mafia, they throw a 3,000 series. When they bowl a neutral team, they take a night off. I fully expect them to bowl out of their minds this week against BDS which is complete bullshit. I'm out of order? YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER," said Meister to no one in particular.

In other news, BDS hotshot rookie sexpot Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons began a media tour to promote his award-winning documentary "Lies, Betrayal, Drugs, Madelyn Burke-Lyons, Bowling, and Laughter: The Powderkeg Story," directed by Martin Scorcese. The film begins in January 2011 during the TNT draft, and follows Lyons and his team through last week, when they somehow won 3 points despite bowling with their heads up their asses. In one controversial scene, a slow-motion Lyons bowls a 180 game despite a fan (identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons") velcroing herself to his waist for nine frames.

"I wanted my fans to see a side of me that ESPN rarely shows," said Powderkeg on "The Today Show." "Everyone knows that I just love to bowl, but I'm more than that. I also love to watch my team bowl, and I also love bowling."

Team captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon appeared on 60 Minutes to address rumors that BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish had recently completed a stay at "Nuances," the brand new rehabilitation center aboard Hacksaw's lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo." Spanning over 24,000 square feet, Nuances boasts an Olympic diving center, a go kart track, 17 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's specifications, a demolition derby, and the world's first dodo bird petting zoo. The formerly-extinct birds are on loan from the Hacksaw Preservation society, which was able to resurrect the birds by combining fossil DNA and intangibles.

Morley Safer: Shot Boy, tell us about Dynamite. We heard he was in rehab

SB: Yeah, we had to get his addiction straightened out before next week. We're trying to win a championship, but more importantly, we want him to be healthy.

MS: So what is his addiction?

SB: Shitting the bed

MS: Let me get this straight - he's been shitting on beds?

SB: It's a metaphor, Morley. By "shitting" I mean "shitting," and by "bed" I mean "my soul".

MS: Has this been going on a long time?

SB: Ever since I can remember. People don't know the troubles he has because he's so handsome, but he's been shitting the bed as long as I've known him. One time he shit the bed so hard during a ping pong game that I was forced to see his dong.

MS: Out of context, that doesn't even make sense.

SB: All I know is when I see anachondas now I freak out.