Santa Monica, CA - With the TNT Winter season winding down, Back Door Santa's legal team paid a visit to Hacksaw John Serris' 200 foot yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat", to discuss next steps.
First Captain Kevin Meister, the official legal counsel for BDS and seasoned seafarer, spent 7 hours aboard the glorious vessel to help Hacksaw prepare for his defense in the case of Hacksaw vs. Union 69. The case, which the London tabloids have dubbed "Roe v Boat", has garnered worldwide interest and attention. Hacksaw and Meister hunkered down in the tavern Hacksaw had built on his yacht, Thirsty Scholar West, to go over Hacksaw's testimony in what Meister told the New York Times was "a public witch hunt against handsomology."
"Never in my 7 week legal career have I witnessed such a sham lawsuit," said the sea captain. "Arrrgh, it makes me angrier than a mermaid on stilts. It's not my fault the union insists on making pins using common wood, when other materials such as enforced titanium or Kevlar are readily available and could potentially withstand the brute force of a Hacksaw roll. We're building a case to prove that Union 76 has long been provided kickbacks from the lumber industry, or as it's most commonly known, Wood Mafia. They've been terrorizing forests since the dawn of time. Everyone knows this. I probably don't even need to build a case. I just need to show up. If you search Google for "Wood Mafia" this will be the first article you see. Probably the ONLY article, because before today nobody's ever had the stones to take them on. Fucking Wood Mafia man, jesus the beers were flowing this afternoon in the Thirsty Scholar West, I'm telling you."
When asked about what evidence he had to help Hacksaw's defense, Meister said that he had "a lot of hearsay and conjecture, which are kinds of evidence."
Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, spent the rest of the day purchasing a new lifeboat for his yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat." This new lifeboat, the appropriately named "Lil SoCo", is 100-feet of pure beauty. Equipped with 10 bowling lanes built to his specifications, Lil SoCo also has 3 helicopter landing pads, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a parking garage to house his vintage Hollywood collection (including the Harley-Davidson fatboy used by rugged Jake Hanson on Melrose Place), and an observatory with a telescope fifty-one times more powerful than the Hubble. Its 6 billion horsepower outboard motor is powered by 200 megatons of plutonium, and there's room onboard for Hacksaw's designer Louis Vitton lifejackets.
"Conditions get rough out there sometimes, and God forbid if something happened while at sea, I wanted to make sure my guests and I had an escape vessel," said Hacksaw.
In other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons guest-starred on daytime television's most popular soap opera, "It Never Ends". He played handsome womanizer Dr. Tad Winslow, with sexy results.
"It was fun, I've always had the acting bug," said Powderkeg. "Usually most offers I get are for modeling. In fact, famed photographer Ashley Goeser-Lyons came over for a high-profile photo shoot just yesterday. I found her style unique in that in lieu of bringing a camera or taking pictures, she told me we were meant to be together and then locked herself in my bathroom and wouldn't come out until I promised to hold her."
The Twitter-verse was alive with gossip and speculation about the high-profile photo shoot, and the Huffington Post printed screengrabs of comments from one randomly-selected account, @moonlyons:
"WTF are you doing in the bathroom b****. I can see you from this tree"
"Hey @powderkeg I forgive you loveypants. LOL i can c u"
"and be wonderful! RT@powderkeg I just love to bowl"
"lol i no rite RT@elpresidente democracy is stupid. I love corruption"
"lol at all teh haters RT@madelynburkelyons dude that's my husband"
"they r sexy 2 RT@dynamite this week's post is crazy long and I haven't even gotten to the other team members."
The Los Angeles Times reported that BDS team members Dynamite Chris Parish and Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon took a meditation retreat to work on Dynamite's game, or lack thereof. The duo hiked 14 miles to the top of Mt. Hackmore, the world's second-tallest mountain, which had just been installed on the second deck of Hacksaw's 200-foot yacht, the aptly named "Row The Boat." Once they were at the summit, Shot Boy read excerpts from his upcoming bowling strategy guide, titled "Have You Ever Considered Not Fucking Sucking." Much of the text is comprised of comments Shot Boy has made directly to Dynamite in recent weeks.
"We are only two weeks away from position week, and now is the time to ramp up our game," said Shot Boy. "I expressed concern to Dynamite that he fucking blows, and I'm worried that he could potentially ruin things for the entire team unless he took not being shitty seriously. I felt like it was a productive conversation."
Shot Boy also made headlines this week when he discovered a new galaxy 20 billion light years away from the earth, just by looking up into the night sky with his new awesome laser vision awesomeness.
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