Hackosaur Trains Powderkeg; Meister Hired

Santa Monica, CA - Upset with his performance during last week's showdown against Turkey Juice, Back Door Santa heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons solicited the help and training of the world's most prominent bowling coach, Hackosaur, to run Powderkeg through a grueling two-day session this week.

"I felt like I let the team down," said Powderkeg to a screaming horde of female-only media members. "I'm almost too accurate. I needed to get back to basics and the best way to do that was through an intense training session with Hackosaur, the two month old Tyrannosaurus Rex that was brought to life by Hacksaw via ancient DNA and guile."

Hackosaur, an avid aerospace pilot and scratch bowler, flew Powderkeg to a remote mountaintop in the Appalachians to run him through workouts designed to increase flexibility, strength and focus. Witnesses reported that Hackosaur was hard to miss, as he was wearing his trademark Bear Bryant hat and $40,000 Louis Vitton sneakers. Also, he's a dinosaur. The "Handsome-a-thon", as the workout is called, consisted of a 72-mile jog, followed by three hours of punching frozen cows or something, and then winding down with meditation in which the participant must lie still and visualize the ball. Only then will he learn to just love to bowl.

"It was unbelievable," said Powderkeg after finishing the first day's session. "I've never been a consistent 72-mile runner, but when Hackosaur is flying right next to you in Johnnie Skymaster bellowing words of encouragement, you just keep going." Once the sessions were over, Powderkeg and Hackosaur relaxed and enjoyed some smooth, refreshing Southern Comfort, a family recipe closely guarded for over two hundred years, here's to good friends, the night is kind of special.

In other news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris held a press conference in Havana aboard his luxury yacht, the aptly-named "Row the Boat", to announce the appointment of First Captain Kevin Meister as Head of Operations at Hacksaw's Cuban-based international port, the recently-build Hacksaw Aviation & Yacht Outlet (HAYO).

"FC Meister is my most trusted advisor and a successful legal counsel. As I begin my foray into international trade, I realize that I was losing focus on the lanes because I was constantly on my iPhone 11 checking in with the guys at HAYO. I need a skilled nautical professional on location to keep an eye on things," said Hacksaw.

According to the official state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast, Hacksaw went on to thank El Presidente, the most successful bowler in history according to official Cuban documents, for allowing Hacksaw and FC Meister into the most freedomest country in the world. All praise to El Presidente, he of good heart and faith and fairness and non-nefariousness.

After the press conference, Hacksaw unveiled his latest aerial purchase, the pertinently-named Hack-A-Whirl. A 300-foot-long helicopter that will be used to transport Meister from HAYO to Bayshore Lanes and back, the Hack-A-Whirl is equipped with a NASCAR track built to scale, a 40-story Four Seasons hotel, a 20,000-seat coliseum, a bow-hunting range, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. The copter goes through 64 gallons of rocket fuel every nanosecond, powering its 24,000-horsepower engine and enabling the vessel to travel round trip from Santa Monica to Havana in 14 seconds.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, also installed a 2-mile long atomic collider to allow him the means to focus on one of his favorite pasttimes, particle acceleration.

"I want to thank Hacksaw and the rest of those handsome devils on Back Door Santa for allowing me this most wonderful of opportunities," said Meister. "I look forward to not only traveling aboard Hack-a-Whirl on a weekly basis, but also observing Hacksaw during his particle research." Meister then humped the podium.

Meanwhile, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon returned from Cannes after the successful debut of his latest HBO documentary, "Too Handsome To Fail." The $297 million independent film details the story of a handsome bowling captain (played by TV's Jack Wagner) and how he balanced hordes of ladies and accolades and being kidnapped by El Presidente and super laser surgery while leading his team to a 67% championship percentage over the last year. The film received a 99% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, with the lone negative review being submitted by an author identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons." The review, printed with persmission by The Huffington Post, was posted via Twitter in real time while he/she viewed the film.

"OMG he's so handsome m i rite"
"LOL wait who is this other whore"
"WTF their is no mention of my dancing lol wut"
"ha I NO !!!11 RT@elpresidente there is no corruption in Cannes, this place sucks"

And finally this week, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was holed up at the South Bay Equinox losing 2.6% of his bodyfat in only four weeks bitches to prepare for this week's rematch against TNT overdogs The Bowling Wallendas. The team is led by Chris "Jones" Swiegurski, a ringer who seemingly came out of nowhere last week to bowl a 4,000 series right next to us, what is the fuck.