BDS Championship Most Watched Event Ever

Santa Monica, CA

The championship members of Back Door Santa reconvened in California this week after taking much-needed championship sabbaticals in the wake of their TNT championship championshipness.

The TNT finals, which pitted Back Door Santa against their arch-rivals/lovers The Bowling Wallendas, was the most-watched event in television history, pulling in a 100% Nielsen rating and a 100 share. While not every single human being on the planet watched the match, everyone with electricity watched it twice.

"It was an historic event, a victory for handsomeness," said Access Hollywood's AC Slater. "We'll never see TV numbers like that again."

Because he was unable to attend the match for security reasons, President Obama invited BDS to the White House to watch the match on his DVR. Our heroes boarded Hacksaw's private jet, the befittingly-named "Johnnie Skymaster," for the seventeen minute flight to Washington DC. Witnesses described the president as "humbled", reveling in the shock and awe of BDS' performance and furiously taking notes. He spent the weekend describing to his cabinet how amazed he was when Dynamite converted a 6-7-10 split in the fourth frame, which was fucking unbelievable.

The members of Back Door Santa kept busy during their sabbaticals, knowing that they only had a few short weeks to relax and prepare to defend their championship. Team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris finished several spring projects, the most important being the conversion of the outboard motor on his lifeboat, the appropriately-named "Lil SoCo", from nuclear to super-nuclear. The new engine converts plutonium into energy at six thousand times the speed of your typical nuclear-powered outboard motor, and now boasts a 7 quadrillion horsepower output and a top speed of 70,000 knots.

The new, more powerful, engine was needed due to the expansion of the ancient zoo recently installed by Hacksaw, an avid fisherman. The earnings from winning the TNT championship allowed him the resources necessary to continue one of his favorite pasttimes, reviving extinct species. Scientists from across the land have traveled to view the recently-born Tyranosaurus Rex, which Hacksaw revived using ancient DNA and guile. The Rex, accurately-named "Hackosaur", is a healthy two-weeks old and has already bowled four perfect games.

Team captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon traveled to Socoville, KY to tour the new wing of the Southern Comfort distillery, which was built last week in order to accommodate the Captain's growing requirements for aged bourbon. The distillery will use special barrels composed solely from the shards of bowling pins destroyed by Shot Boy during the championship run of Winter 2010-2011. Southern Comfort detailed the construction of the new distillery to Shot Boy Fancy, a well-read trade publication, and said that it was capable of producing 14 barrels of bourbon an hour, which will then be shipped directly to Bay Shore Lanes.

"Gone are the days, probably, of Bay Shore running out of Southern Comfort during our matches," said Shot Boy to the media during the tour. "Even they can't fuck this up, probably. I have the utmost faith in Bay Shore management that they will be able to organize my shipments every week, I guess."

Team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons, he of the 100% lifetime championship winning percentage, was invited by Twitter to travel to Silicon Valley and receive a plaque honoring him as the most twitter'd about celebrity in 2011, cuz even though it's only May he's got that shit wrapped up. According to Twitter execs, 99% of tweets about Powderkeg came from the same IP address, 69.69.69.69, located somewhere in Southern California and last used on the set of 2009's "Terminator: Salvation." Powderkeg was wined and dined during his visit, regaling the crowd of 99,000,000 with tales of championships lore and handsomeness to come. The trip was without incident, save Powderkeg's wife Madelyn Burke-Lyons ending up on the front page of TMZ.com during their annual "Women Most Likely To Get Kicked To The Curb Unless They Start Supporting Their Husband's Bowling Matches" contest.

Last but also least, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish made a pilgrimage back to his hometown of Detroit, MI to visit his childhood lanes and regroup. It was a trip of redemption for young Dynamite as he was met with cheers and accolades due to his performance during the championship game, cuz everyone was pretty sure he was gonna fuck the whole thing up. The hometown hero greeted fans and signed replicas of the trophy he won in 1989 for posting the high handicap series in that year's bowling league.

"It's pretty fucking awesome when you were way better at age 14 than you are now," said Dynamite to the Detroit Free Press. "I'm glad my parents kept this trophy because I had forgotten about it, and coincidentally had been looking for more reasons to cry myself to sleep."