Santa Monica, CA - Back Door Santa team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon emailed his teammates last night from a safehouse to let them know he had successfully escaped the nefarious clutches of ruthless TNT leader El Presidente.
After witnessing BDS begin what is sure to be another championship season during last week's matchups, El Presidente sent a message to Shot Boy inviting him to a "TNT officers only" meeting in a remote section of Cuba. Upon arrival, Shot Boy was immediately detained by turncoat and new El Presidente compatriot identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons." Sources tell CNN that El Presidente planned to keep Shot Boy imprisoned so that Back Door Santa would be forced to get a sub for this week's match against Turkey Juice, the Vegas favorite to win TNT's summer league.
Turkey Juice captain Aaron "Mocha Lighting" Guyot issued a statement, via the Associated Press: "In no way do we support the actions of totalitarian despot El Presidente, and we are thrilled that Shot Boy escaped his nefarious clutches and will be available to bowl this week. I think I speak for all of Turkey Juice, including the handsomely-pantsed Brandon Iron Hally, that we just want a fair shot at the title."
According to witnesses, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris learned of the plot and sent his right-hand man/beast Hackosaur down to Cuba to diffuse the situation. El Presidente's prison guard, identified only by her Twitter handle @moonlyons, was attempting to lure Shot Boy into a state of calm via poledancing when Shot Boy casually looked up to the sky with his laser vision and noticed that Hackosaur, flying aboard Johnnie Skymaster, was a mere 4,000 miles away. Two seconds later, a case of Southern Comfort containing a switchblade and 24 bottles of smooth, smooth bourbon, the taste and quality you've come to expect from Southern Comfort was dropped from Johnnie Skymaster. Using the plane's superior targeting instruments, Hackosaur was able to land the package two feet from Shot Boy's exact location, making the escape and subsequent happy hour with @moonlyons quite easy.
After trading glasses of Southern Comfort and stories about days of yore, Shot Boy bid his captors adieu and met Hackosaur on the tarmac of Hacksaw's private Cuban airport facility, the succinctly-named Hacksaw Aviation & Yacht Outlet, to board Johnnie Skymaster for the short flight home. The HAYO, as it's commonly know, boasts an international speedway, a 32-story luxury shopping mall, an observatory, 4 zip codes, the Hacksaw Museum of Modern Art, a genetics lab, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. The recently-installed 32 mile long runway is just large enough for the distance needed to land Johnny Skymaster safely.
Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, has devoted much of the past several weeks engaging in one of his favorite pasttimes, building international ports.
"Hackosaur can now read an instrument panel at a pHD level," said Hacksaw to the Associated Press. "His ability to fly Johnny Skymaster wherever I need it to be has freed up a lot of my time, and has allowed me to expand my business ventures internationally."
The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, issued the following statement: "We know nothing of this brilliant plan by El Presidente nor of any flying dinosaurs. Everything here is fine and El Presidente remains the most successful bowler in history according to official Cuban records."
To celebrate the return of Shot Boy to the United States, Hacksaw hosted a party aboard his life boat, the appropriately-named "Lil Soco", for friends and non-nefarious associates. Team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons arrived with his new flame, Tara Johnson-Lyons - his first public outting since booting his ex-wife Madelyn Burke-Lyons-Meister to the curb.
"Madelyn just didn't understand me like Tara does," said Powderkeg. "I just love to bowl. Tara knows that the best way to win my heart is to be available to bowl."
Team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was interviewed by Connie Chung during the event.
Connie Chung: How worried were you when you heard the news that Shot Boy had been captured by El Presidente?
Dynamite: Not too worried, Connie. One of the greatest strengths of Back Door Santa is that we remain positive. Even when Alison snuck out the bathroom window on the day she we was supposed to marry Billy Campbell (played by TV's Andrew Shue), you always knew she'd find her way and find the strength to ruin Jake's life.
CC: A lot of people say that one of the reason's Back Door Santa has been so successful is due to your ability to dispatch a formerly-extinct dinosaur to fly a private jet to a Communist nation for a rescue mission. Tell us about that.
Dynamite: People call us lucky, they call us handsome, all that stuff. Championships don't come from luck. Hacksaw spent hours perfecting a method to genetically fuse ancient DNA with just the right amount of guile in order to create Hackosaur. Granted, you can't do something like that without financial means, but business has been really good. The African safari is booked for months, and we've got our $650 billion dollar Coors Light endorsement.
CC: An anonymous source, who only gave his initials as C*int "S*ot B*y" T*bon, told CBS news that Back Door Santa would be even more successful if you didn't suck so much ass at bowling with alarming consistency. How does that make you feel?
Dynamite: Well Connie, everything seems bad if you remember it.
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