Cortese Hired By Corrupution Enthusiast

Havana, Cuba - The official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, announced today that it had hired TNT secretary Tony Cortese as its new editor-in-chief.

"It is with great pride and accuracy that we announce the hiring of beloved Cuban-Italian Anthony Cortese as the new editor-in-chief of our hallowed publication," said Corrupution Enthusiast on its front page. "His honest, no-nonsense reporting style will fit nicely with our history of accuracy and journalistic integrity. We have enjoyed reading his weekly updates to the TNT league which display his trademark objectivity towards TNT defending champions, according to official Cuban records, Pants On the Ground."

According to official statements, Cortese was hired once Corruption Enthusiast got the go-ahead from El Presidente, the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban documents. El Presidente was in the middle of one of his trademark 400 games when he paused to rescue an orphan from capitalism and then meet with Cortese to discuss his writing style.

"Tony is my kind of writer," said the honorable El Presidente. "We don't care what actually happened on a Thursday. We care about what's printed the following Tuesday and distributed to the league. Sometimes it takes a couple days of reflection to accurately portray last week's results, regardless of the scores at the time."

In other league news, the members of Back Door Santa held a meeting in Paris at the HAE-O in order to regroup after being rolled over during last week's matchup, where they were only able to muster a tie against Evil Sooop because they got rolled over.

"We got rolled over," said team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "It's the only way to accurately convey a situation in which each team ends up with the exact same amount of points. We were annihilated."

Witnesses said that the BDS boys held a closed-door meeting, followed by a tour of the newest wing of the HAE-O, the Hall of Excellence. The $372 billion exhibition was designed by Hackosaur, the world's pre-eminent expert on museum wing architecture, and features statues and oil paintings commemorating the historic Back Door Santa championship run of August 2011.

John "Hacksaw" Serris, the museum's owner, decided to fund the project now even though the season is not yet over, in the interests of time.

"Championship Week this season falls right in the middle of brewery season," said Hacksaw. "My focus in August will be on this year's batch."

In an effort to increase the efficiency of the brewery process, Hacksaw announced the completion of his latest masterpiece, a 75,000 acre hops and barley plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, outfitted the plantation with a 37-story brewery, 2,000 John Deere tractors, a laser light exhibit, a moon lander, and 14 lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. Haücksaüw will be capable of producing 400,000 gallons of Back Door Ale per day, and is situated on the viewing deck of his airborne training center, the congruously-named Yo Hacka Hacka.

"One of the key components of the brewing process is relative humidity," said Hacksaw. "As I designed my plantation with Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on meteorology, we decided that an airborne plantation will allow us to adjust altitude based on optimal humidity. It's just a pet project of mine."

The completion of Haücksaüw is welcome news for the world's championship beer drinkers, as historically Hacksaw had been unable to keep up supply in the face of increasing demand. The Associated Press noted that the supply of Back Door Ale had run dry in recent weeks, upsetting beverage enthusiasts everywhere, most notably pregnant women who are fucking pissed off, how do you only make 48 bottles, what are you some kind of idiot.

In other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons won an award last night at The ESPY's for "World's Most Handsome Handsomeologist." Surely fueled by his recent increase in pin accuracy, Powderkeg beat out fellow nominees Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, Los Angeles Beerframes skipper Mocha Hurricane: Class 5, and Turkey Juice sexpot Brandon Irons Hally by the narrowest of margins.

"It's with great pride, honor, and accuracy that I accept this award," said Powderkeg. "It's an honor to be nominated, especially when much of this group is very handsomely-pantsed. I just try to show up every week, calibrate the lanes, really learn the nuances. I just love to bowl."

Powderkeg was accompanied to the ESPY's by the star of TNT's "Falling Skies", identified only by her Twitter handle, "@moonlyons."

"Right now I'm thinking of another meeting - IN BED," said Powderkeg.

And finally, in dramatic news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish was served with a cease-and-desist letter from his own legal counsel, First Captain Kevin Meister. In the letter, FC Meister demanded that Dynamite cease and desist from not writing about Meister in this week's blog, but maybe Meister should have thought twice about calling him a queer in response to what sources said was a very nice and thoughtful email from Dynamite this week.