Santa Monica, CA -
Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon held a press conference today to refute rumors that the team was preparing to replace legendary weak link Dynamite Chris Parish.
"There is no truth to the rumors, originally posted in the official state newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, that we are going to replace Dynamite," said Shot Boy. "While it's true that in his absence we have ascended the league standings at a rapid rate, he originally purchased our trademark foam Hacksaw so we are fucking stuck unfortunately."
Dynamite was absent from last week's matchups due to the birth of his wonderchild, the adorably-named Dynagirl, and Back Door Santa was so ill-prepared that they swept all four games and climbed into second place. Rumors began circling that the team held a secret meeting aboard Dynagirl's flying training center, the congruously-named "Yo Hacka Hacka", and discussed with Hackosaur about the youngster's progress and potential ability to step in for the remainder of the TNT season.
According to witnesses, Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on infant training and team harmony, indicated that Dynagirl was still only bowling at a consistent 290-pin level and he would need a few more weeks to shore up training before she would be ready for the grueling TNT schedule. Also, she's still only zero.
In other league news, BDS legal counsel First Captain Kevin Meister returned to Los Angeles after successfully defending his latest client, Casey Anthony, in the murder trial of her two year old daughter that she murdered. Casey "The Guilty Murderer" Anthony, as she's known in murderous circles, was acquitted on all charges of murdering her daughter after Meister convinced the jury that Anthony's murdery qualities would probably come back to haunt them if they convicted her.
"Miss Anthony is a murderer, and as such is not afraid of murder, or murdering anyone," said Meister in his closing remarks. "She will definitely murder you, just as sure as she murdered her two year old daughter. I ask that the jury look at all of the evidence and then remember that I guarantee you'll be murdered if you find my client guilty."
Meister then flew via Johnny Skymaster to Paris to attend the ribbon-cutting ceremony of the recently renovated Louvre, or as it's known now, Hacksaw's Arty Emporium & Observatory (HAE-O). Team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, an avid fisherman, recently purchased the museum in an effort to improve American-Frenchie relations.
"The proceeds from Hackosaur's soconium research have allowed me the time and resources to invest into one of my favorite pasttimes, renovating historic museums. I look forward to helping art lovers across the country enjoy these beautiful paintings the way they were meant to be enjoyed - the Hacksaw way," said Hacksaw in a statement.
The new and improved HAE-O boasts a 14 story rock-climbing wall, 2 miles of bulletproof glass surrounding the Mona Lisa, a rodeo, a SCUBA certification center, 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications, and Mount Rushmore, recently moved from South Dakota via the Hack-A-Whirl.
And finally this week, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons announced the arrival of his new energy drink, PowderBull. The beverage will be available nationwide at all Johnny Foodmaster locations, and is a combination of Coors Light, Southern Comfort, and 6,000 pentagrams of ginseng. One can costs $10,000 and the exciting drink sold out in four seconds.
"It's a combination of what drives me," said Powderkeg in a statement. "I kept the price point high to deter ugly people from making the purchase. This isn't something that's going to make you handsome if you're not starting with a handsome base. It's more of the final touch that makes a handsome person a champion. There are no guarantees when it comes to winning, but I do guarantee that if you purchase this beverage for $10,000 you will be a champion, assuming you were handsome to begin with."
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