Shot Boy, Meister Testify

Washington D.C. -

Back Door Santa captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon and BDS legal counsel First Captain Kevin Meister were in Washington this week to testify before the Senate Corruption Committee with regard to what in the fuck is going on with the TNT league this year.

Meister opened the session with one of the most powerful and romantically moving statements in Senate history, pleading with lawmakers to suspend debt ceiling discussions until a thorough investigation of TNT's practices could be completed.

"Pillars to the left of me ... post bowwwwwwlllinggg to the right (pronounced raaht). Am I not a man? Am I not a bowler? Do the Wallendas and BDS not bleed if you cut them? Because gentlemen, El Presidente has cut us deep. Cut us to the very soul. Anthony Cortese is full of evil soup, the kind of corrupt meal that while delicious ... (ten minute pause) ... it fills you with hate. Now, I'm a simple man, but it seeeeeemmmmmsss to meeee .... that two of the best teams in the league should get a fair chance during a league season. And that's just not the case here gentlemen," said Meister.

According to Shot Boy's testimony, the league has been completely fucked this season. One egregious violation occurred when "first place" Evil Soup enjoyed the subbing services of one Harold "The Thief" McNeverleaves bowling a 317 game with handicap, which is technically only possible in Cuba. I mean what is the fuck. Not to mention some dude bowling a 700 series against BDS and then mysteriously being unable to bowl the following week even though he showed up, paving the way for that fucking Harold dude to show up and eyeball the foam hacksaw for four hours like a god damn psycho. I know he's going to try and steal that shit. And what a fucking clusterfuck with these lanes being fucked up so it's thrown to a vote to postpone a week, yet somehow it's not mentioned that if we postpone a week then we're actually skipping it.

"It's no way to run a league," said Shot Boy. "Congressmen, I implore you to stop cheating on your wives while lecturing me on values long enough to take a look at this. The fate of our nation is at stake, probably. And just let me say, no Senate investigation is complete without taking a break and enjoying a nice glass of Southern Comfort, the official spirit of Shot Boy. Its smooth smooth flavor and satisfying finish is just what the doctor ordered. Welcome to flavor country."

Cuba's official state-run newspaper, Corruption Enthusiast, was also in Washington to report on the story, and released an official statement.

"United States residents Clint Tabon and Kevin Meister testified before the devil Senate today and asked them to allocate funds to honor El Presidente, the greatest bowler in history according to official Cuban documents. Tabon and Meister expressed their anger that their nazi-commie government didn't have the strength to honor the greatest man alive, the honorable anti-corruption pioneer we are honored to call El Presidente. He runs the fairest bowling league in the land, according to Tabon and Meister, and they are quite pleased with the open communication and non-corruption the league is experiencing this season. All hail 2011 Summer League champs Evil Soup, said Tabon and Meister. This team is in no way some sort of rigged puppet regime team placed in the league solely to dethrone the cheating Back Door Santa, as a matter of fact Evil Soup has been in the league for years, according to official Cuban documents."

In other BDS news, invites were mailed out this week for the first annual Hacktoberfest, to be held in Hacktober at Hacksaw's hops and barley plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. Hacktoberfest is the annual celebration of the fall beer calibration, when the first 8 billion barrels of Back Door Ale are distributed to the public. It's rumored that Hacksaw will use the event to unveil his latest purchase, Saturn.

"I can't comment directly as the contracts have not been signed," said Hacksaw. "But I'm known around these parts as a bit of a 'ringer' and I thought, What better way to celebrate calibration than by purchasing the biggest rings I could find. I called up my real estate agent Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on planetary investment, and we were surprised to see that we were the only bidder for Saturn."

In troubling BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons entered a rehabilitation center after enduring a two-week bender and hitting rock top. According to witnesses, the trouble started when Powderkeg's parter-in-crime, noted womanizer Cobra "Kai" Tabon, flew in from Florida at the beginning of July and goaded Powderkeg into going out to get some bitches. The boiling point was reached two weeks ago during BDS's match against this other team, and Powderkeg and Cobra showed up drunk as fuck on Gutter Juice, a potent mixture of PowderBull, absinthe, and guile. Witnesses said that it seemed as though Powderkeg temporarily forgot how much he loved to bowl and spent the majority of the time swinging Cobra Kai around the bowling alley while throngs of women fainted.

"I love three things: bowling, being a champion, and Gutter Juice. Unfortunately for me, those things are not always compatible. I'd like to stress that I apologize for letting my teammates down, It's not all Cobra's fault. All of these years I've watched him turn into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim of Cobra Kai Tabon. I will not stand here and let the media disparage the good folks at Gutter Juice. They make a good product, a product that was just invented by me. I would like to take this time to announce that Cobra Kai Tabon and I have reached a deal with Hacksaw Inc to ferment and bottle a new product called Gutter Juice. It's a 750-proof energy beverage powered by the rings of Saturn."

In preparation for the production of Gutter Juice, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, added a new wing to his barley and hops plantation, the awardwinningly-named Haücksaüw. The wing is a combination potato farm and planetary particle harvester. I don't really know where I'm going with this exactly but the point is that Powderkeg invented Gutter Juice and it's going to be fermented and bottled at Haücksaüw. This blog entry really escalated quickly.

And finally this week, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish underwent surgery in Birmingham, AL this week to repair his torn labia. The surgery was performed by famed physician Dr. James Andrews, who was guided during the process by Dr. Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on labia repair. According to sources, Dynamite had been hoping that the labia would heal on its own with intense physical therapy, but in the end he opted for surgery in hopes that he could begin not killing his team just by showing up. Dr. Hackosaur's surgery includes creating a small incision near the labia, and then bitch slapping the patient until he mans the fuck up and stops being a bitch.