Santa Monica, CA -
The handsome champions of Back Door Santa announced today that they were altering their lineup order - something that hasn't been attempted in bowling circles for 664 years.
Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on medieval bowling history, noted that the last time a bowling lineup had been changed was during the reign of Edward III of England, in 1347. Edward III was looking for a way to shake up the Royal Bowling Team of the High Court, known then as the Heroic Archers of Ye Oval Efforts (HAYOE). Unfortunately for Edward, the Black Death began a year later in 1348, wiping out 60% of Europe's population, and many scholars at the time attributed the plague to Edward's cavalier attitude towards bowling lineup regimen.
Preferring to make history rather than learn from it, BDS convened at team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish's modest 40,000 square foot estate in Hermosa Beach on Sunday to vote on the lineup measure. After a unanimous and handsome decision, they turned to the scientific community to determine the optimal bowling lineup that would not only prove successful, but be most impenetrable to the nefarious and unannounced rule changes that have dominated TNT's summer season.
BDS put a call into Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5, skipper of the Los Angeles Beer Frames and an analyst at the prestigious Hackosaur University, a bowling research institute funded by the good people at Hacksaw Tax Shelter Emporium. Dr. Hurricane is known throughout the scientific community as the world's second foremost expert on bowling lineup efficiency, behind only Hackosaur.
"It was a big challenge because they needed an answer quickly," said Dr. Hurricane. "The lads wanted to test out the new lineup during the end of the TNT Summer Optional Practice League - This One Doesn't Count So Show Up If You Feel Like It Or Cancel Random Weeks, in preparation for when official league play starts up in September, when the matches begin to count again for the first time since April. Luckily, I'd been putting the finishing touches on my new algorithm and was anxious to test it out."
The new Back Door Santa lineup was finalized using Mocha Hurricane's patented formula, the coefficient: Apex Lane Integration for Bowling Readiness And Transcendent Efficiency - or c:ALIBRATE. The handsome formula scientifically emphasizes skill at the head of the order, weak linkitude right at the end, and balanced championshipness throughout.
"What I noticed during my research was that over time, the ability of a bowling lineup to succeed against totalitarian and arbitrary rule changes degrades. What worked a year ago, or even three months ago, in the face of El Presidente's corruptionality might not work anymore. One option is to add someone to your team who's handsomely-pantsed, but since BDS wants to keep its core championshipness together, we can use c:ALIBRATE to build a lineup that can minimize the degredation trajectification," added Dr. Hurricane.
c:ALIBRATE measures over 7 billion characteristics of a bowler, including but not limited to handsomeness, nuance readability, championshipality, intangibles, and guile. Each bowler is then given an overall score between 0 and 6,000,000,001, and those scores determine his place in the bowling lineup.
According to the Associated Press, Dr. Hurricane spent several minutes on Monday measuring each of the 7 billion of BDS' characteristics by hand, revealing the following c:ALIBRATE scores:
Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
John "Hacksaw" Serris: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons: 6,000,000,000.00000000059
Dynamite Chris Parish: 17
Dr. Hurricane went on to explain the simplistic tie-breaking procedures of c:ALIBRATE, which also shows why this formula will be universally adopted due to its ease of use.
"In the event of a tie, in order to prevent a recurrence of Black Death, team members are ordered by the number of unique letters in their last name. As you can see, we still have a tie.
The second tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you then rank the players based on the number of letters in their first name, wherein any number of letters less than 5 is counted as a 5. As you can see, we still have a tie.
The third tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you then rank the players by number of championships on a binary scale. Zero championships is given a value of 0, and any number > 0 is given a value of 1. As you can see, we still have a tie.
The fourth tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you rank players based on the telephone country code of the nation in which their most recent championship took place; since each member won their most recent championship in the United States and thus all have a value here of 001, as you can see we still have a tie.
"The fifth tie-breaker in c:ALIBRATE stipulates that you arrange the players in reverse alphabetical order by the third letter of their first name," said Dr. Hurricane. "Thusly, you can see that we now have a new bowling order as thusly:
1. Shot Boy
2. Hacksaw
3. Powderkeg
4. Dynamite
Dr. Hurricane then used c:ALIBRATE to rank most desired subs for BDS, in the unlikely event that on a given week they forget that they love to bowl:
1. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
2. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
3. Brandon "Hally" Irons
4. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5
5. Fast Jerry Kaufmann
87. Scotty Shortpants
7quadrillion: Harold "The Thief" McStealerson
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