Powderkeg, Meister Form ZACHFOCS

Santa Monica, CA -

In a last ditch effort to ensure some sort of fairness to TNT before the start of the fall season, Back Door Santa's Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons and The Bowling Wallendas' First Captain Kevin Meister announced the formation of an investigative supergroup, named ZACHFOCS.

"Now I'm not a big city lawyer," said Meister. "But it seeeeemmmsss to meeee ... that when a guy has a deadly injury but shows up for bowling to watch a thief bowl a 317 game with handicap as his substitute, corruption has gone too far."

ZACHFOCS, or Zealously Adored Champions Heralded For Opposing Corruption & Suspiciousness, aims to bring to light the blatant corruption and mismanagement that has plagued the TNT Summer practice season in order to prevent its ugly recurrence during the lovely fall season, dubbed "Season of True Champions" by ESPN.

ZACHFOCS was formed after Powderkeg and Meister received information from an anonymous tipster associated with the current "first place" team, Evil Soup. The informant, dubbed "Deeper Throat" by those in the know, indicated that her team is a bunch of cheating liars, just as sure as her name is L*sa M*rgan.

The case against Evil Soup is damning, according to reports. Accusations include but are not limited to:

- The team was formed the first week of the summer practice season, without filling out the various W2 forms and rigorous background checks required of all TNT applicants
- Their best bowler, Bob The Snake, has a long history of tanking various matches to keep his handicap low, so he can get 15 pins a game even though he's never bowled under 240
- Their fourth bowler, TGI Davedays, only shows up 40% of the time so that the team can call up a ringer to sub for him.
- They once used a sub named Harold "The Thief" McStealerson, a known felon who's wanted in 50 states for being a dirtbag.
- Never in the history of TNT bowling, dating back to April 2011, have the two teams who met in the previous season's championship game failed to make it to the following championship game without some level of El Presidente-esque interference.
- Vegas guaranteed victories for BDS and the Wallendas at the end of July; matches for both teams were "postponed" due to suspicious closing of lanes at Bayshore, an establishment with a long history of timely upkeep and reliability.

"Look, the bottom line is this," said Meister. "The Santas and Wallendas are champions. We love to bowl and we play with heart. We recognize that there are two teams out there. We can't sit here and let Evil Soup make a mockery of this institution. ZACHFOCS is not going to sit here and get a bunch of 9's and just assume everything's on the up and up."

In other league news, it's position week I think this week, where the teams in TNT battle for their positions to begin the fall season in September. All eyes and cameras will be on lane number six-ish, where Back Door Santa looks to put the finishing touches on its new lineup. Heralded as the most scientific bowling lineup in the history of science, it was first calculated by Dr. Hurricane: Class 5 using his c:ALIBRATE method, and tested for the first time last week.

"We won three out of four games," said team captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon. "We could have swept but we realized that we wanted to work out a few kinks and purposely lose a game in order to test the science. We've got one more chance to work on it during position week, wherein each team bowls to determine its team number for the fall season. There's been a lot of media coverage for our game this Thursday, and rightfully so."

In other BDS news, in preparation for the upcoming Hacktoberfest, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris completed his latest purchase, Germany.

"I made the decision that I wanted to kick it old-school with this year's Hacktoberfest, so why not kick it the oldest school and host it in Europe. I talked to my agent Hackosaur, who is not only #1 on the west side, he's also the world's foremost expert on European land investment. He told me that Germany was currently available, so I went for it," explained Hacksaw. "To my surprise, we were the highest bidder."

Hacksaw immediately won over the native Krauts by renaming Germany to Hacksaw's Bavarian Funhouse. Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, filed a petition with the European Union to drop the euro as HBF's form of currency, and the nation will immediately begin using its new currency, the khahnvoy, to buy and sell goods. Because HBF currently boasts an AAA rating from Standard and Poors, the value of one khahnvoy is equivalent to 14 euros and $19 American.

According to the Associated Press, the natives of Hacksaw's Bavarian Funhouse have taken a shine to their newfound respect on the global marketplace, and have planned a national holiday this Friday, August 19th in order to parade in the streets and spend their hard-earned khahnvoys in celebration. The day, dubbed "National Hacksaw Appreciation Month", will be featured on a commemorative silver khahnvoy; a handsome profile of Hacksaw on the front, and a picture of Hackosaur piloting Johnnie Skymaster on the back.

And finally this week, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish returned from his sabbatical in Minnesota with his favorite accomplice Dynagirl. According to published reports, tensions on the flight home mounted when a bunch of uggos tried to look at Dynagirl and it's like, quick looking at my daughter fatties.