Santa Monica, CA -
In an article published in this month's New England Journal of Medicine, famed pHd of Accuracy Dr. Mocha Hurricane: Class 5 admitted that he potentially "forgot to carry the 1" when determining the true c:ALIBRATE lineup for Back Door Santa.
"Well, it seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters of this fragmenting of the audience to the cable television, carnivals, water parks -I have spent the last month in the lab with my mentor, Dr. Hackosaur, trying to determine how manually calculating 7 billion variables could have resulted in actually making Back Door Santa worse. To my astonishment, Dr. Hackosaur noticed that I had written a note on the OUTSIDE of my calculation arm, reminding me to carry the 1 in my calculation. As a result, I missed it, and therefore may have accidentally DE-calibrated their lineup, resulting in adverse performance," said Dr. Hurricane in his article.
Dr. Hurricane goes on to explain that while his simple mistake may have resulted in the worst performance in BDS history, it actually increased the Beer Frame Clutch Ratio of their current cleanup bowler, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish.
"In a vacuum, one must be impressed with the BFCR of Dynamite," Dr. Hurricane continued. "HOWEVAH, much like ARod hitting solo home runs during a blowout, this may be due to the fact that normally by the second frame, due to the horrific performance of BDS this season, the game is out of reach and there's no pressure. Let's not forget that when it truly mattered this week and BDS needed a strike from Dynamite in the tenth frame to win, he got a Guyot-esque 7."
When asked if BDS' sub-par performance this season should be attributed to his miscalculation and should not in any way reflect on the bowling skills of Back Door Santa, Dr. Hurricane replied "Absolutely."
In other news, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon was flying Johnnie Skymaster over the Atlantic Ocean last week, when at 40,000 feet and a speed of 6 billion aero-knots, he casually looked down 40 miles deep into the Pacific Ocean and noticed the Lost City of Atlantis.
"I was traveling over the ocean trying to find a secluded spot for BDS to have our next retreat, when I remembered that in 360 BC, Greek philosopher Plato mentioned that Atlantis was a naval power situated in front of the pillars of Hercules. Thus, I kept an eye out and glanced over my shoulder for a brief look to the ocean floor; I was like 'Hey that's Atlantis'," Shot Boy said at the press conference.
Upon returning Johnnie Skymaster to HAYO off the coast of Cuba, Shot Boy discussed his discovery with BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, the world's foremost investor in sunken Greek mythology. Coincidentally, Hacksaw had been recently investigating his next purchase, so he called up his real estate agent Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on underwater real estate.
"I got on the horn with Hackosaur, and had some money floating around from my trade of Saturn to Europe," says Hacksaw. "Atlantis intrigued me because to date, all of my international ports have been above water. He started digging into it, and we were surprised to find out that we were the only bidder."
When asked how he was able to casually discover Atlantis when for centuries mankind has been unable to even determine its existence, Shot Boy explained that "he just loves to bowl" and that "you have to want it." He also mentioned that he had just finished the autobiography of Greek philosopher Crantor, student of Xenocrates, entitled "The Fig Leaf and Me: My Life and Times."
"Crantor's teachings have been very influential in my life," said Shot Boy. "He died of dropsy, which has always been one of my biggest fears, whatever that is. Anyway the point is that I discovered Atlantis this week and then Hacksaw bought it."
Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, revealed that he plans to turn Atlantis into an "underwater bowling training facility and theme park" with long-term plans to house Mars there.
"I feel like if I can learn the nuances of lanes that are 40 miles below sea level, I've got a better chance of excelling at BayShore Lanes," he said.
In other BDS news, based on the news of potential non-1 carrying by Dr. Hurricane, the handsome lads announced that they'll be returning to their previous championshippy lineup this week in lieu of sucking with the old one.
"I'm disappointed that I'll no longer be the closer," said team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish. "However, I won't be disappointed in not sucking. I'm only 5 points behind Shot Boy handicap-wise, which I think we can all agree is fucking ridiculous. I can't even remember which foot I start with half the time. I've been bowling for 25 years, and I have two feet. That's not a lot of numbers to remember, yet here we are."
And finally this week, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons returned from Geneva where he was awarded the 2011 Nobel Prize for Consistency. The Nobel Foundation awards the bowler whose average between seasons changes the least. Powderkeg has long been known as BDS' most consistent bowler, because like his average only changed a couple of pins, unlike the averages of Shot Boy and Hacksaw and REDACTED.
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