Report: Powderkeg Too Handsome

Santa Monica, CA -

A study released this week by the Hackosaur Attractiveness Institute in Oslo, Norway (HAI-O) suggests that the recent struggles of our heroes Back Door Santa may be due to team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons' excessive levels of handsomeness.

According to the report, HAI-O compiled data over the course of the last ten months and noticed an alarming disintegration of performance that directly coincided with the continually increasing handsomeness of Powderkeg. In theory, since most experts have theorized that Powderkeg's handsomeness is unlikely to decrease its increasation, the remaining members of Back Door Santa will be forced to continually accelerate the levels of pin annihilation in order to offset the trend.

"As handsomeness goes up, so does the level of handsome pheromone released into the atmosphere. This pheromone thusly creates a level of female frenzy that will reach a tipping point; women will cease welcomed advances and standard conversation and will, in fits of uncontrollable desire, skip immediately to crass come ons and literally throwing themselves at the subject. This scenario makes it virtually impossible to excel on the bowling field as it results in mass physical chaos," read the study.

"In a stable atomic environment," the report continued, "neutrons, protons, and electrons reside in balance. For example, the handsome molecule, Pk1Wm16, has existed in this state for centuries. The number of electrons surrounding Powderkeg is increasing at a constant rate, however the level of female protons increases at a rate that exceeds this, and thusly you create a dangerous instability. In our opinion, we are not too far from seeing something along the lines of Pk16Wm409000 - that's Armageddon country."

The study pinpointed an example to prove their theory; the best performance of the season thus far was last week, when Back Door Santa bowled lanes 23 & 24, the furthest lanes from the female bowling population.

"In this scenario," the report stated, "there exists a temporary barrier which blocks a female's ability to pick up the handsome pheromone. We call this barrier the Ravi, named after the Greco-Indian God of Female Interest Blocking."

In other BDS news, team ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris was reported to have placed a $40 billion dollar bet on his own team last week to win 3 out of four games, based on advice from his bookie Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on bowling odds. He then used those earnings to purchase the Golden Road Brewing Company in Atwater Village, which had been slandering Haüksaüw by hilariously billing itself as the city's largest craft beer brewery. Once the purchase was complete, Hacksaw hired the Hackosaur Demolition Society, a non-profit group that prides itself on leveling establishments prone to nonsense, and bulldozed the property to prepare for construction of the world's first solid gold Johnnie Foodmaster.

Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, then flew with his dinosaur Hackosaur aboard his 300-foot private jet, Johnnie Skymaster, in four seconds to New York City for a sit down interview with Regis & Kelly.

Reege: Hacksaw, you're SO CRAZY. You make this PURCHSE and then you just BULLDOZED IT.

Hacksaw: I couldn't stand for it Regis. I need to protect the Haüksaüw brand. These jokers are making proclamations and the point is, if I can own the sun, I can own your little brewery.

Kelly: Well I guess you could say that you let this business deal "ferment". Waka waka!!

Hacksaw: Good one Kelly! But anyway the point is, I won $40 billion dollars by betting on my own team and then used that money to put a competitor out of business.

Reege: So tell me about this SOLID GOLD JOHNNIE FOODMASTER. What's going ON?

Hacksaw: For far too long, Reege, I've heard my customers complain that they didn't have a local grocery that was made of solid gold. They felt like chumps. I sat down with my development team and said Hey listen - what can we do here.

Reege: Do you think you'll ever reach a point in your life where you stop selflessly giving back to the community, Hacksaw? I mean you're a godsend. A GODSEND.