Hacksaw Purchases Christmas

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, in attempt to help boost the flailing holiday shopping season, announced today that he had reached a $593 trillion deal to purchase Christmas from the Vatican.

According to sources with inside knowledge, the deal was finalized when Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, agreed to take on the expiring contracts of Administrative Professionals Day and Cinco De Mayo, as well as throwing in three of the six Portuguese counties owned by Hacksaw, which will now be controlled by the Pope.

"I'm pleased to announce that Christmas has joined Hacksaw enterprises," said Hacksaw. "It is my hope that with new leadership, Christmas can once again become a holiday of celebration, instead of stress and exorbitant travel costs."

"I've been working on this deal for a long time," Hacksaw continued. "I realized during Hacktoberfest that we were celebrating a holiday - but I had yet to own a holiday. I sent my trusted advisor Hackosaur, the world's foremost expert on nativity financial assessment, to the Vatican to gauge interest. We were surprised to find out that we were the only bidder."

After hearing the announcement, the ever-charitable Bob Geldof commissioned Sting, Bruce Springsteen, and Bono to sing his newest holiday song, "Do They Know It's Hackmas". Proceeds from the sale will go towards needy families in three Portuguese counties who were tragically removed from the Hacksaw empire this week.

Hacksaw had no comment when asked about the status of Santa Claus, the long-tenured senior vice president of Christmas who many believe has lost touch with customers. CNN reported this morning that Claus will be let go as part of the deal, ushered out in favor of Hacksaw's hand-picked replacement, Santasaur.

CNN released grainy footage from the Great Salt Flats of Santasaur testing was is reported to be an upgraded sleigh. The new ride, the Holiday Aircraft of Yuletide Observance (or HAYO), is 700 feet long and controlled by a 69 billion oxpower Soconium engine capable of delivering presents to all of the world's good little bowlers in seven minutes.

In an effort to increase delivery efficiency, Santasaur will be joined by co-pilot Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon, who will be tasked with casually viewing the optimal delivery trajectory for every home on earth from 40,000 feet. This will cease the necessity for HAYO to have to land on the roof of a home, as most houses are not equipped with the 243-mile long rooftop runways necessary for HAYO to come to a complete stop.

Bowling alleys across the land are reporting record pre-Christmas attendance, as avid bowlers are rushing to complete a 300 game in time to garner a visit from Santasaur. Children who have been bad this year, as well as anyone whose highest posted score is 299 or less, will instead receive coal in their stocking. The coal will be delivered by the Grinch, aka Scotty Short Pants.