El Habana, Cuba - In an effort to fight allegations that his bowling league has reached the tipping point of corruption, TNT despot El Presidente has hired the one who isn't dead from Milli Vanilli to head a global task force aimed at fighting nefariousness.According to inside sources, TNT was thrown into disarray last week when league rules were changed on the fly to allow anyone to bowl on any team whenever they felt like showing up, and furthermore could just go back and re-write scores and hold up any current game for thirty minutes.
"It was unbelievable," said a handsome anonymous source from his office on the sun, which he owns along with his trusted advisor, a dinosaur. "I mean halfway through our game, this guy just shows up and it's like 'Hey OK he's subbing now, and also we have to stop everything so he can fix the scores.' We went to El Presidente for a ruling, and he went on the record saying he had absolutely no problem with it, and this type of thing happens in Cuba all the time."
The anonymous source, an avid fisherman, continued that "ever since BDS captain my captain Clint 'Shot Boy' Tabon was forced out as Vice Presidente, the system of checks and balances has failed. It's almost like El Presidente was waiting for this moment to kick things up a notch."
At his press conference today, El Presidente announced that he was serious about fighting allegations of corruption.
"It has come to my attention that my empire is under attack, and something has to be done. My people are losing faith in my top-secret, proprietary scoring system - and with that, I'd like to announce the hiring of Vanilli, the last surviving member of Grammy-winning duo Milli Vanilli. I needed to make a strong statement that TNT is about fairness and integrity, and if there's a better way to show it than hiring a Grammy-winning artist, I haven't heard it."
According to Bayshore Lanes, Vanilli will be given full reign of supervision, working closely with current Head of Security Pablo Lyons as they effort to sniff out corruption and illegality. As per his MO, Vanilli will meet with El Presidente in closed quarters at the culmination of each league week to adjust scores based on the Corruption Ratio - a mathematical scoring system so fair and just that it need not be explained to any of the league members. In response to El Presidente's announcement, the official state-run newspaper of Cuba, Corruption Enthusiast, released a statement:
"We applaud the all-knowing El Presidente for having the strength to take a stand in the face of corruption while the rest of TNT sits back and allows the integrity of the league to crumble. What better way to show a dedication to non-nefariousness than by hiring 20-time Cuban Grammy-winning artist, and winner of the Cuban Nobel Prize for Honesty, Vanilli. El Presidente will have the last laugh when his efforts to fight corruption in TNT will succeed in the face of full-on cheating support from league members."
In other news, BDS weak link Dynamite Chris Parish got his comeuppance this past weekend when he recklessly parked in a legal parking spot on the street for the third time in six months, and awoke to find his entire car covered in grease, rendering it undriveable.
According to the Los Angeles Times, citizens of Hermosa Beach have praised the vigilantes for finally taking a stand against a neighborhood terror for abusing the free and completely legal parking spots under the flimsy excuse that it's fucking legal to park there. Hermosa Police are worried that Dynamite may have reached the breaking point and take matters into his own hands, despite their swift responses over the last 12 months of doing absolutely nothing about this.
"He's got a six month old daughter," said an inside police source. "So yes - the car was undriveable. But if something had happened to his daughter and he needed to get to a hospital quickly, we've got a superb public transportation system in Hermosa Beach. An extra 20 minutes is not going to make much of a difference in a life-or-death situation. You can't just go through life parking legally, especially on a street that has ample street parking 100% of the time."
According to sources, Dynamite is in talks with BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon to help him catch these heroes. Shot Boy would allegedly be stationed on a remote mountain top in Nepal, where he can casually glance at Hermosa Beach during the pitch black night to catch the person doing this.
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