TNT secretary Dan "Tony" Cortese refuted reports this week that his league's top team, Back Door Santa, would be moving to the English Premier League for the start of the 2012-2013 season, however reports came out from London that BDS would take the place of West Ham United, who is being relegated to First Divison.
According to top level EPL officials, BDS team owner and head coach Hackosaur flew to the UK and back this week aboard Johnnie Skymaster between the hours of 9am and 9:15am Tuesday to begin discussions about a relocation for his bowling team. Michel Platini, the UEFA president, told reporters on Sky Sports that Hackosaur was researching other options for BDS that might prove more of a challenge than TNT.
"It's no surprise that the handsome lads in Back Door Santa would be looking to join the world's top competitive league," said Platini. "I find it hard to believe that even Wayne Rooney could perform the way Dynamite did last week, in a Cuban hot box no less. One might argue that success in a bowling league is absolutely no indication of one's skill level on the pitch, but we're talking about four of the world's finest athletes."
Platini continued that BDS would play home dates at the newly completed $400 trillion dollar football and Formula 1 center, the cheekily-named Bangers & Hack. Built on a whim by BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, B&H will also host the first ever Formula 1 race on a track made not from asphalt, but Uruguayan mahogany from deep within the forests of Tacuarembo.
Some racing analysts are worried about the safety of driving a vehicle 200 mph on a surface with absolutely no traction, but insiders say that most F1 racers are looking forward to the luxurious feel and smell of the South American wood, and understand that a likely 100% crash ratio is a small price to pay for said luxury.
Aside from its mahogany-based racing track, B&H also boasts a 40 billion gallon tropical fish aquarium, a fifteen-story rock climbing wall, the Grand Canyon, and 14 bowling lanes built to Hacksaw's exact specifications. Spectators can treat themselves to the famous white tiger tacos served at El Presidente's, a Cuban-themed restaurant and interrogation center located on the 7th concourse.
"I was looking for a monument that symbolizes the difference in talent between BDS and the other teams in the league," said Hacksaw. "I felt that the Grand Canyon was a good choice, so I contacted the US Parks Department and inquired about the possibility of purchasing the finest natural monument in the United States and moving it to my new soccer stadium in England, a country that 300 years ago made every attempt to maintain rule over the American people and deny them the freedoms we take for granted today. I was surprised to find that I was the only bidder."
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