Hacksaw Has Enough, Purchases 2013

Papas Fritas discusses audit procedures with DynaGirl

Santa Monica, CA -

Finally reaching his limit with the corruption at Bayshore Lanes, BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris announced today that he had purchased the year 2013.

"My purchase last year of American history showed that I now have control over the past, yet it's the future that worries me," said Hacksaw. "I can't let another TNT championship fall into nefarious hands through nefarious practices. It's time to control the future."

According to reports, Hacksaw became enraged when he learned that the 2012 TNT fall championship was rigged via ruthless methods of canceling league weeks in an effort to award a league title to a team nobody even likes or roots for, not even the coveted "mom shorts" demographic. Sources said that several teams were in contention for a league title until Bayshore Lanes, without approval, started renting out their lanes like a $2 hooker until only one team, the Scoreboard Watchers, were left with a chance at the title.

Shortly after position night, Hacksaw, an avid fisherman, sent his trusted calendarial financial analyst, Hackosaur, to the Vatican City in an effort to work a deal to purchase the 2013 calendar year. Upon arriving aboard Johnnie Skymaster, Hackosaur was surprised to find that Hacksaw Inc was the only bidder. As part of the deal, 2013 will now be known as "20HT" or "Two Thousand Hack-Teen".

"With this deal, every decision across the land, from the redwood and mahogany forests - which I own - to the Gulfstream waters - which I'm considering - must be approved by my team. It's the only way I can ensure that the 20HT Winter Season is a fair fight," Hacksaw stated.

In order to manage the reams of red tape that will surely come with the decision approval process, Hacksaw hired famed arbitrator and league fertilizer Papas Fritas, of the firm Didwee, Scroo, Herre & How, as the top approval monitor for any decisions brought before the board this year. Fritas is known for his hard-line approach to economics and fairness, never one to fear throwing corruption into the Cuban hotbox of "pending."

"I'm honored by the faith Hacksaw has put in me," said Fritas. "I'll be working closely with his apprentice, DynaGirl, to make the best decisions for his year. Just the other day she pushed me to pick a side on the notorious "should I go up or down the staircase" decision. Are you going up the stairs? Are you going down? Do you want the rest of this apple? Do you want to throw it on the floor? What are you pointing at? And so on. Those are tough decisions."

In other BDS news, team weak link Dynamite Chris Parish is fighting to recover from contracting the dreaded Minnesota fever after a training excursion in the south of Minnesota over the holidays. According to reports, Dynamite headed to the frozen tundra of the Midwest in order to please his wife, who I love you baby but fucking Christ I wish you were from Florida or Texas, my nose won't stop bleeding.

In yet other BDS news, team heartthrob Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons was sued by teen sensation Carly Rae Jepsen this week after he immediately changed his number when she tried to call him, maybe. Sources told ESPNBDS that the team is starting to worry about the mental strength of Powderkeg as this is the 1098th lawsuit filed against him in the past year by famous chicks who want to get pregnant.

"It's like, I like your song, and yes, I'm consistent, but that doesn't mean I want to consistently raise a family with you," said Powderkeg. "And yes, the rumors are true: I told her if she wrote a song about me, that I would raise a family with her. But then she just gave up the caesar salad so it's like, Hey I already ate."

An investigator close to the case indicated that it's likely Powderkeg would be acquitted by reasons of hunger, as he had been consisting on a diet solely of 2x4's due to a raccoon infestation at his place of residence, and thus was willing to eat virtually anything, including a caesar salad cooked by a 28 year old Canadian who looks 15. The investigator noted that the 28 year old who looks 15 does not actually go by the name "Ken Dawg Marshall".

And finally this week, BDS captain my captain Clint "Shot Boy" Tabon took a holiday excursion to his homeland of Thailand (china? Phillipines?) to profess to the Gods of team play that he would forgoe his responsibilities in the fucking handicap pot this season.

"It's become a distraction, and I know this," said the Captain. "Even my boo, Barbara Palvin-Tabon, says that I spend more money taking dollar bills from fucking white trash deadbeats than I do concentrating on lovemaking, which upsets her because holy christ can I please a woman."