Dynamite, Powderkeg Hire Controversial Bowling Guru

Blurry footage of Dynamite & Powderkeg with alleged Hacksputin

Santa Monica, CA -

Back Door Santa team members Dynamite Chris Parish and Nick "Powderkeg" Lyons were questioned by local authorities today concerning their involvement with a controversial bowling guru the police have named "Hacksputin."

The handsome gents, mired in their 3rd consecutive worst season ever, allegedly hired Hacksputin to help increase guile and mahoganship before it's too late to win the title in TNT's summer league. Unfortunately, hiring coaches outside the league is strictly forbidden in the TNT bylaws.

Also questioned about the incident was BDS ringer John "Hacksaw" Serris, who swore under oath that he had never met Hacksputin and knew nothing about him. He was immediately released when police were unable to provide any photographic evidence that Hacksaw and Hacksputin have ever been in the same room together.

Santa Monica police are working on a theory that Hacksputin has been hiding out in his lair on the sun, which is only reachable aboard Johnnie Skymaster, a 300 foot airship owned by Hacksaw. Up to this point, Hacksaw has refused to let the police borrow Johnnie to fly to the sun to investigate.

"This is a witch hunt," said Hacksaw. "I'm not going to let the police borrow my prized vessel just to travel to the sun and bother the locals looking for someone who doesn't exist."

According to Peruvian legend, Hacksputin came to this planet 41 years ago with the goal of helping handsome people bowl. He is not listed on any legal documents and thus is believed to not have a place of residence on earth or any possessions. The only proof that he exists is in blurry camera footage where he's often seen with a dynasaur-shaped figure in the background, and a 300 foot aircraft of some sort.

His controversial training methods involve increasing the fat content of a student's diet by 10,000% in order to improve the olfactory senses and thus the ability to sniff out the mahogany. He will often take his subjects into the mountains, load them with fat and sodium, and then direct them to the trees until they come back with the exact mahogany he has specified. He then builds a fire and meditates to the point that he appears to be sleeping.